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Expectations

serendipity's picture

Submitted by serendipity on Wed, 06/08/2011 - 3:27pm

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General Discussion

My BF and I are getting very serious and in order to consider a future with him and his kids (he has a son who is 8 and a daughter who is 10) I want to talk about my expectations vs. his expectations once we move in together, eventually get married and start a family of our own (I have no kids). My question is- what are somethings that have come up for you in your relationship and dealing with step kids, ex-wife, etc that we should discuss and be clear about before moving to the next step? I'm not saying whatever he says now will hold true down the line but I would like to make sure we are on the same page.

So far I have discipline ("our" house rules, how they are expected to behave, not giving special treatment, cleaning, chores, respecting me, privacy issues and working together to raise them when in our house), time (scheduling things in advance, holidays, when we don't have them- like going to games, plays, etc- do you go together to those things when you know ex will be there?), communication with ex-wife (she texts him constantly now and I am fed up with it- I told him today he needs to email her once a week to set plans- is that realistic? what do you do?) and money (who is paying for what now that she gets child support and alimony- how do people handle this? My thought is she should be paying for almost everything since she will be getting a PRETTY penny.) Just an FYI- the are legally separated now, the divorce is final in 3 weeks.

I really appreciate anyone's feedback, how things work for you or if you have any advice on what else to discuss!

gstaff92481's picture

Submitted by gstaff92481 on Wed, 06/08/2011 - 3:43pm

Possible rollercoaster.

I'm going to be honest...the BM hasn't gone crazy until recently. DH and I dated for 4 yrs prior to getting married. I never cared for BM but tolerated her to keep peace and the things she did weren't anything that would harm the children. In the past two years things have gone hill drastically as she divorced her 3rd husband and within a year remarried a guy in March that she previously dated prior to husband #3 and had only gotten back together with in Jan.

I do think you have a good set of questions lined up. Stick to your guns. If he is not willing to work with you on ANY of those take it as a red flag, especially contact with BM!!!! Really texting should be all together out of the question unless an emergency (late meeting up to exchange kids, kids are sick, etc.) Email is the way to go, its a clear document in case needed for court if need be.

Good luck on getting BM to pay for everything. Most don't even tho they get good chunks of the family's money.

Also include when you do start a family what are his expectations. That is a good conversation to have.

Before you get married or go any further, read as much as you can thru here and notice anything that would give off a red flag of problems to come. You may not see it now but if you read other's stories it will open your eyes to see it in your own relationship at a later time.

serendipity's picture

Submitted by serendipity on Wed, 06/08/2011 - 7:43pm

I feel the same way about the texting- thank you for validating that for me- I thought I was being a crazy person. Thanks for your advice!

Yme's picture

Submitted by Yme on Wed, 06/08/2011 - 3:48pm

Get the book "StepMonster" it is SOOOOOOOOOOOO helpful!! It is much much much did I say Much? better to START the relationship off right by bein on the same page! It is SOOOOOOOOOO important to have the same rules and same ideas both of you backing each other....(aka FDH gives you "legs" to stand on when you have the need to punish/inforce rules with FSK's....FDH MUST have your back and MEAN it to his kids........

I only wish I had read this book BEFORE I got in the relationship with DH.....It is hard to "correct" the MISTAKES we made (I made...and ALLOWED DH to D~U~M~P on me....)

BTW: I helped raise SD22 when she was 12 up....off and on...several times back and forth....SD22 was giving BM grief...came to live with DOD and his NEW GF...we had a great relationship and I raised her just like BD19...with love and respect...didnt allow rude/nasty/dishonest behavior...taught ACCOUNTABILITY....after SD22 went back home to BM after the school yr was complete the BM emailed DH and said "I dont know what "Yme" did to _____...But tell her "THANK YOU!!" "all I hear is Yme this Yme that...her attitude is so much better" Thank her for being a great co mom!!" well yesterday we drove a few hours to see SD22 she was in a near by town on her college break....I was so happy...she hugged me and introducted me as her "mom"...She had many kind things to say to her BF about me....I was beaming...and SD13 was fuming!!! SD22 LOVES me and just cant understand WHY SD13 is such a BUTTTTT Head!!!! Wink must have done SOMETHING right!!!

marissamae88's picture

Submitted by marissamae88 on Wed, 06/08/2011 - 3:54pm

Thats fantastic that you are doing your homework now! I think you have a great list so far and keep reading the stories here because you can prepare prepare prepare but as you can see a lot of the stories here are negative experiences. My biggest issue with my SO is our alone time. If we go on a trip he feels bad he left the kids at home or if I want a date night he feels bad the kids cant come so making sure he knows you need a certain amount of attention or alone time is very key because I missed that step. I sometimes feel like a single parent because I take care of so much because I wanted to be a great step mom and I am but I dont feel I get the appreciation I deserve. So I would say stick to your guns on things that are important to you because these types of situations are on tough on relationships. I love my skids to the core of my being but I dont know if I would make the same choice if given a do over. The BM's also make and break it. So if your having trouble with the BM do not count her out of your situation because regardless of what he says you marry him and his baggage which means his exwife. I hope everything works out and good for you to do your research.

serendipity's picture

Submitted by serendipity on Wed, 06/08/2011 - 7:42pm

Thanks- I am trying to be proactive and do things right. I want to be the best at this that I can be- I know it is tough so I want to get the most advice and information as possible and at least TRY to know what I am getting myself into! I want to make sure we are on the same page right from the start when we move in together and do things right from the beginning to set the tone of how things will work. Thank you for your feedback and advice!

serendipity's picture

Submitted by serendipity on Wed, 06/08/2011 - 7:40pm

I will definitely get the book- thanks for your feedback it was really helpful Smile

serendipity's picture

Submitted by serendipity on Wed, 06/08/2011 - 7:39pm

Thanks for the feedback! I do get the "well you don't understand because you don't have kids" line sometimes- which really irritates me. I feel like even if you don't have kids you know the difference between right and wrong and what to do in certain situations. Although I may not have the most experience in the world I do feel like I am good with kids. I'm not the most patient person in the world so I am learning to deal with the craziness that comes with an 8 and 10 year old. Yikes!

Sterling's picture

Submitted by Sterling on Thu, 06/09/2011 - 1:04am

Sounds a little early to be talking about this but similar ideas on education. For example, my SD always FAILS school. My DH avoids the issue. Even though she fails, he continues to let her have sleepovers (even when 2 months of missing work), pay for concerts, absolutely no consequences. I understand he decides how to handle it but come on.....really....it drives me crazy and I don't understand it at all. It makes me so resentful towards both of them. I think it will be helpful to be on the same page about how to handle these kinds of things.