Emotionally absent husband. What to do?
So yesterday I had to sit for my state licensing exam. I have been studying for months for this exam and DH knows how important this is for my career. He hasn't taken much interest in the past in my career but in the past few days, he has been showing his support by asking how my prep is going (after I basically told him I need him to seem a little interested). He tells me 2 days ago that he'll make his own breakfast and get SD ready for school. And he'll make me something to eat in my break during the exam. I said thanks but it's not necessary but I appreciated the offer.
Morning of exam, I get up 6am (DH is semi awake in bed. I should preface this by saying he's a morning person, an early riser and always out of bed before me). AND that he went to bed at 9pm the night before because he was really tired.
So I get ready in the dark because didn't want to disturb him while he's sleeping. I still keeping thinking he's going to get up any minute now and wish me good luck or something. I spent 10 minutes in the kitchen preparing my breakfast and lunch, thinking he'll get up any minute now. He knows i'm leaving at 7! He keeps on sleeping. I decided not to wake him before I left because if he's still sleeping and can't get up for 2 seconds to give his wife some emotional support on her big day, then screw him. 5 minutes into my drive to the testing center, he calls. I didn't pick up. Then he texts me, wishing me good luck. F that! I shouldn't of bothered texting him back but I was SO hurt. DH let me down once again when I needed him most. I was so nervous about this test that I almost threw up my breakfast. I text him and told him that I don't want any texts with "words of support" from him anymore. I told him that he disappointed me yet again and couldn't even give me a hug or give me a boost of confidence on my big day. This day will never return and he totally let me down! He proceeds to say, i'll come to your test center, give me the address. TOO DAMN LATE BUDDY! You missed your chance when you were sleeping. My exam and career must not be important enough for you I guess. Okay now i'm ranting but i'm just so done being let down time after time.
My question is, should I keep giving him the silent treatment? He's apologized but it means nothing to me. That time has gone and will never return. I can't depend on him emotionally anymore. He is such a sensitive person when it comes to his kid. Why can't he be there for his wife, who he claims to love? When SD is sick or gets hurt, he can't sleep all night and is tossing and turning in case she needs him in the middle of the night!
I just want to tell him off in front of all his co workers who all think he's the best husband ever because he can't talking about me to them. I've told him before that what good is all that "talk" when you aren't emotionally available for me at home? When you consistently show me with your actions that everything is more important than your wife!
How many 2nd chances should these pathetic, sorry ass excuse for husbands get? I'm so over him!
You know, something I always
You know, something I always try to think about is whether I am expecting him to be a mind reader. Did you ever take the time to communicate to him that you wanted a little time with him that morning and that his support before you left would mean a lot to you? Or did you expect him to "just know"?
If you did clearly communicate that to him, then yes, he was a jerk to you.
But if you never clearly communicated your need to him and expected him to "just know" what you needed, then I think you're inadvertently participating in creating your own pain. He couldn't read your mind, and as soon as you communicated to him your needs (via snarky text) he offered to come down to find you. He was trying to meet that need once he knew what you needed from him. That is an important detail and you need to give him some credit for that.
Please don't take this as criticizing you, because I don't know if there is history here that is causing this reaction in you. From what you describe here, I'd urge you to start thinking about past incidents where he has disappointed you and honestly ask yourself if you ever clearly communicated what you needed to him. If you didn't, then I think that there is a way you can make yourself happier in your relationship and it would involve you making some changes in the way that you communicate.
You were expecting him to
You were expecting him to "show up emotionally" and he didn't. Sure your upset but don't play games ~ the silent treatment tends to lead to resentment ; for the simple reason that communicating to him ~ I just expected my morning to be different n I was disappointed. The word "disappointment " has always been an attention getter in my life. As a spouse/partner ~ it is not our intentional of fallen short of the others expectation ~ but it does happen. He missed his opportunity ~ but I wouldn't nail him to the cross.
You could say you disappointment me ~ the way I envisioned my morning was very different from what happened. You can't expect him to be as thoughtful as woman are. Men just aren't really built that way. The emotional chip sometime is there but it might be broken. Tell him ~ how you feel ~ but be informative ~ the tone in which you speak at this point could be the most important part. Don't yell ~ don't scream n especially don't use sarcasm. Say to him ~ I feel .......
He eff'ed up n he knows it. Don't make him suffer ~ it will only toilet bowl. He was being accountable for his actions ~ his timing just sucks.
I confess, it was NOT easy
I confess, it was NOT easy reading all these responses, especially the ones that were brutally honest and not sugar coated (ECHO) LOL.
BUT I do appreciate all your input and you guys are right. I did overreact. Thanks for setting me straight! I was overly dramatic but that's after being patient for 4 years and always being LAST on his list of priorities. He just started stepping up his game and being my husband again after I disengaged from SD. He is slowly starting to realize how much I made his life and his daughter's life easier. He realized he can't take me for granted anymore and decided he needs to be nicer to me if he wants my help raising SD.
But for 4 years, i've been ignored, neglected and living with an, dare I say, emotionally absent husband. I'm trying to get over the anger and resentment that's built up inside.
I guess I did want to see if he'd pass the stupid test in my head and rise to the occasion. I didn't want him to fail. I know you guys think I set him up to fail but I didn't mean to. I just wanted to see if he'd show me that the important moments in my life matter to him as well. Why do I need to wake up a grown ass man and remind him to be there for his wife? I mean shouldn't we at least expect them to have some clue about what his wife needs after 4 years of marriage? Am I being that unreasonable? LOL
He says he isn't the romantic type and doesn't say I love you but rather he shows his love by being there for me. So that's why I expected him to show me that morning.
I want to get over this because it's a bigger deal in my head than it has to be. It's also hard to take his apology seriously when he says sorry while smiling! I guess I stopped really communicating with him that much because when I used to tell him what I needed, he would easily get distracted by SD and walk away to tend to her "needs." When he continued to walk away or not really be listening, even after I told him how much that hurt, I just closed up and don't let him in anymore.
I used to be very forgiving and so was he. I have forgiven him for MUCH worse in the past but I guess now all this built up anger stops me from being as loving and forgiving. I have become so sensitive that the most trivial things upset me. I admit this.
I want to be more compassionate and loving towards him instead of just snarky and sarcastic.
I responded to you because I
I responded to you because I can relate to you, and I suspect that other respondents can relate as well. So there's nothing to feel bad about. I find ways that I'm sabotaging myself all the time.
Honestly, I think a majority of your problems that you describe with him could stem from speaking different relationship languages. The fact that you are issuing "tests" that he is failing is pretty unfair to him and is a lose/lose relationship tactic. You are partners and you should be problem-solving together. A loving relationship isn't you versus him. I feel that is how you are approaching things, and I think that you could find happiness if you found a different approach.
We all give love in the ways that we prefer to receive it and then we look to our partners to give love back in that same way. If they're not giving back to us in the same ways, we don't feel like we're receiving love. And we tell ourselves that THAT is how love works. Example: if I love someone, I tell him. He doesn't tell me, therefore he doesn't love me. And all the while you're ignoring the ways he IS showing you that he loves you because they're not a part of your vocabulary. You're both trying to say the same things to each other, you just don't speak the same language.
Now, this isn't always the case if you're with someone selfish, but the fact that your husband tried to fix the mistake (once he knew that there was one) speaks to his character and the way he feels about you. He IS trying because he loves you and doesn't want to hurt you, so please give him credit for that.
Have you looked into reading up on the 5 Love Languages with him? If you google it there is a website where you can each take a quiz to find your preferred style of love (verbal, physical affection, gifts, quality time, etc). Once you understand what the other is looking for, it's easy to adjust your gestures to their preferred language.
I recently had a realization with my guy when I felt like I was giving and he was just taking and I got resentful toward him. I took responsibility for my actions, I let go of the resentment, I reframed all my dissatisfaction as things we will work on as a team, and I was able to be more loving to him in the ways that he prefers. As a result, he was able to feel closer to me and immediately started giving back to me. All I needed to do to get the relationship that I want back was to let go of my ego and set aside the negativity for a couple of days, and approach everything as if I was already in the relationship that I want to be in. I focused on the positives instead of the negative, and it changed everything.
As for this particular argument with him, it might be helpful to show him your post and the replies to spark a discussion about how you - as a loving team - can prevent this type of argument in the future.
Candence, thank you for your
Candence, thank you for your insight. After I read the previous responses, I googled ways men show love and found this article.
http://www.lovepanky.com/women/understanding-men/signs-he-loves-you
After going through that list, I found like maybe 4-5 things DH does. Is that a good sign? :?
You're right that only after we let go of our resentment can we move forward with a pure heart. That's where I am right now. I'm praying to God for help with letting go of the past because it's not helping me any.
I will look up that love languages site with DH and see if that helps us communicate better.
You're very welcome! Use the
You're very welcome!
Use the conflict before your exam as a way to talk to him about ways you can meet your partner's needs and how he can meet your needs. Absolutely no "we need to talk"s, just a "honey, can we talk for a minute about what happened?" Keep it lighthearted and positive. There have been studies that show that men experience many more physical symptoms of stress than women do during arguments, and it can cause them to shut down. If he shuts down you will get nowhere, so keep the discussion free of negativity. Make it a point to tell him that you realize that you are both on the same team and that you both want a strong loving relationship. You DO both want that, you just can't see it right now. Absolutely no one wants to be in a miserable relationship where you are both hurt. Sometimes the obstacles are too much to get there, but I don't think that will be an issue for you.
Another piece of wonderful advice that I got from my mother might help you. I had reached out to her when I was stuck in the rut of negativity about my relationship, and she told me the following: women want to be loved unconditionally and men want to be respected unconditionally. If a woman doesn't feel loved, she will most likely disrespect her husband as a reaction to her pain. And the man is then going to feel pain because he isn't feeling respected so he is going to pull back on showing her love. It is a downward spiral that can be hard to break free from.
Instead of anger, talk to him about feeling hurt in a way that doesn't blame him for it, because you never told him what you needed. Admit your mistakes and take responsibility for them. And make sure that you honor your husband by respecting him. He wants to be the man who is a good husband to you, you just need to respect him and give him the roadmap to get there. And it works the other direction too; you want to be the woman who is a good wife to him, you just need to be loved and to be given the roadmap on how to get there. If he will make sure that you feel loved, and you make sure that he feels respected, and you both learn to speak one another's love language, I think you will find a much more fulfilling and easier relationship.
Approach things in different way and I think you'll be surprised at what you find
I'm sorry to hear that your
I'm sorry to hear that your DH isn't making the changes he needs to in order to make your relationship work. Yes, my DH does try but not consistently and needs reminders constantly. Sometimes I just don't say anything because I think, what's the point? He's not listening anyway.
I know what you mean about why praise for what they should be doing logic but I think the praising thing is a good idea and does work. I do thank DH, with a polite thank you or even a kiss at times, for helping around the house with the smallest thing because men do need our praise. It's like their fuel to keep going or something LOL. It motivates them to do even more. But when we don't recognize their efforts at all, they automatically think, "there's no pleasing this woman so why bother trying at all?"
Like start with the smallest of tasks and acknowledge that it made you happy. See if it gets him to do more for you or go above and beyond next time around? Trust me, it's HARD when they let us down more times than we care to remember. I'm naturally a pessimist so it's really hard to focus on the positive. That's why I love coming here so you guys can knock some sense into me LOL
In the crazy fast life we
In the crazy fast life we live in ~ the small tokens appreciation are lost what do you really have. The big stuff that pisses us off for the way they dealt with things.
A little appreciation goes along way. Going above n beyond ~ makes us feel alive. A little gratitude for things that they/we makes you feel less taken for granted.
We have a tendency to taken small gestures for granted ~ I know I have done that but the thank you's he gets help him !!
Yes, you deserve and need to
Yes, you deserve and need to feel supported and important. However, if you need that support and comfort in the morning before you head to something important, what is preventing you from telling him that you need him in that moment? I think you need to explore the answer to that question, because it may be you that needs to do some work on yourself in this situation.
It may also be seen as mixed signals - "no don't get up, please sleep, but I need you right now so get up." If you need something, as his equal, you should be able to freely ask for it, even if he is sleeping. Why is this a point of struggle for you is the question I would ask. It sounds like there is some built up resentment that you might want to deal with because it sounds like you are taking his tiredness as proof of his inadequacy.
Hope the comments help,
All the best,
A. S. Noraford
www.blendedfamilysurvivalguide.com