Dread two year old SD coming
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So I absolutely dread SD coming over. As in previous post, my partner thought it would be a good idea to let her touch our one day old baby with a cough and a temperature. Now she is better, I really don't want her touching the baby. Our baby is only two weeks old. All my partner does is talk about the baby with her, it's constant and I just want to be left alone. I dont want her constantly asking to hold him. Partner gets annoyed that I'm not excited by her obsession with the baby but I just find it annoying. I've come upstairs as I don't want to sit and watch kids tv and be constantly hounded to touch the baby. This has not gone down well, am I being unreasonable?
Not unreasonable. Didn't the
Not unreasonable. Didn't the kid just get over an illness? Hold your ground.
Yeah she did and is still
Yeah she did and is still coughing a bit. But becuase I didn't want to sit round watching kids tv and being hounded, I'm in the wrong for not making enough effort with his daughter.
How much effort is HE making
How much effort is HE making with the new baby? I would guess with a 2-week old, you're giving as much "effort" as you can. It takes a lot of effort to recover from childbirth and care for a newborn.
He is good when the 2 year
He is good when the 2 year old isn't around. I'm breastfeeding so obviously doing more of the share. I'm at my wits end with him. I told him I was going to leave him and shut myself away in the bedroom. He still brings in the 2 year old to say goodnight to the baby because god Forbid she didn't get her own way!
Remind him that his daughter
Remind him that his daughter is there to see HIM and that HE should be entertaining her. You have your hands full. Does he understand that, at 2 weeks, a baby hasn't developed their immune system? Does he understand that toddlers are walking Petri dishes?
I didn't interact with her
I didn't interact with her enough apparently. Browsing on my phone when his daughter was there, was apparently an issue. I should want to interact with her and have a super close relationship! Is it any wonder I distance myself, I feel so overwhelmed!
Dammit! A baby is NOT a toy!
Dammit! A baby is NOT a toy!
This!!! DH needs to realize
This!!!
DH needs to realize that even if the two year old were yours biologically, the two year old would not be holding a two week old. (Once for a cute picture, maybe.) It's not safe.
New Mom Panic
It's real. If both children were yours, you might fell less combative. I discharged myself early from the hospital to get home to my sick eldest after a sibling birth because both needed me. My doctor assured me that breast feeding meant the newborn had my immunities. The fact that the eldest loved the new sibling was wonderful! No jealousy. Just infatuation. They are best friends to this day.
so, your not wrong, but..breathe. To your DH, they are both his children. And he does not have your "stay back" mama bear genes. Unless it's a serious risk (COVID , rsv, pneumonia,strep, cold sore), embrace the fact that your SK is excited instead of hostile. Let dad have time with both kids, and you get some much deserved sleep between feedings and healing.
Yes, but if she isn't
Yes, but if she isn't breastfeeding, the risk remains.
Coming from EBFing my 5 month
Coming from EBFing my 5 month old and DD3.. breast feeding, yep they have your antibodies but by all means they still get sick. They may recover quicker due to being breastfed. But, every baby is different. My DS caught SD's RSV virus at 1 month old and he was on my boob constantly and had a wheezing chest. I was so pissed off because she didn't tell us she was sick until it was too late. Yes it's an exciting time for a blended family but if they are sick they need to stay away. Period.
"If both children were yours,
"If both children were yours, you might fell less combative."
But both children aren't hers. They are both her husband's, and he is trying to force her to feel or act a certain way. A way that is not natural. OP is being put under this pressire when she is very vulnerable and likely exhausted. Her DH needs to chill the f out and support her vs add more to her plate.
Wow I don't even let my DD3
Wow I don't even let my DD3 hold DS 5 month old. I use the excuse 'I have to feed him' and keep him away from the steps when they are sick. Educate her to cough in her elbow and sanitise hands all the time. I did this with my DD when she was 2. Well as best as you can.. obviously your DH needs to enforce this and have your back too. Easier said than done of course. Be firm and keep bubs away. At the end of the day, it's your call and if your DH cracks the poops let him know you are taking the weekend away with bubs and check into a hotel room when his SD comes. I contemplate this when I don't feel supported and want to protect my babies from SD or SS illness.
I feel like a bad person. I
I feel like a bad person. I can't stand to be around her. It's not her fault. My partner is over bearing when she is around. It was a lot before we had a baby but now it's intolerable. It doesn't help that her mum tries to ruin our lives at every opportunity she has. We have had false domestic abuse allegations, reports to the nursery about me being a safeguarding risk, the list goes on.
pair that with a partner who's expectations are way way too high in terms of how I should feel about his daughter and I'm not at breaking point!
Cut yourself some slack. You
Cut yourself some slack. You are under a lot of stress. Your feelings are normal. You have to take care of yourself and your baby right now. Those are the main priorities. Focus on that.
You need to make it clear to
You need to make it clear to him that your life would be way different if he did not have the baggage that he does. It's HIS job to protect you from it and to put his baby's health first. SD needs to be taught that she won't always come first now that he has 2 children.
I'm on the verge of ending
I'm on the verge of ending this relationship. He is still coming up and asking if his daughter can hold the baby downstairs. Because an arm touch isn't a sufficient meeting apparently. I have no love for his daughter. Her mum and dad have pushed me away past the point of return. Her mum wants me no where near their daughter and mY partner expects me to prioritize her above everything else. Lose lose situation.
Be very careful
". mum tries to ruin our lives at every opportunity she has. We have had false domestic abuse allegations, reports to the nursery about me being a safeguarding risk, the list goes on. ". If she keeps filing reports to CPS. It may reflect on BD if something happens. If there a accident and BD get hurt with all the ex reports on file it may reflect on you.
'This is not going away, SD is 2 yo. Your are looking at 20 years of this. If not more. Your SO is being a ass. I don't know how a 2 yo can hold a baby.
'And if SD drops the baby with the ex reports. You are going to look bad. You are being set up for failed. Get out before it gets crazier
I don't think I have any
I don't think I have any choice. I though things would get better but they really aren't. I can't build a relationship with his daughter with the constant threat of her mother, I have absolutely no control over. I have never even met her as I have tried to stay out of all the drama. But putting my babies health at risk is the final straw, not just my partner but her mum sent her to our house knowing my baby had just been born, with a temperature. And my partner agreed to extra days to help her out with childcare. So done!
Do you have family who can
Do you have family who can help you at this time? Someone you can go stay with to give you some time of peace and clarity? Being a brand new mother, you are at risk. Threats from BM if you do anything with SD, constant pressure from DH to do the thing that BM threatens you for...PLUS physical recovery from childbirth and caring for a newborn. You are at risk of PPD simply for being a new mother, but added stressors add to the risk.
No I don't unfortunately. My
No I don't unfortunately. My sister has three children, two with additional needs, there is no room for me to stay there. Not too sure where I am going to go. Can't hide in a bedroom forever!
Well, for now, if the bedroom
Well, for now, if the bedroom is the safest place for you to be - hide as much as you need to. Prioritize yourself and your baby. I also recommend talking to your doctor about the level of stress you are feeling.
I shared this story before
I shared this story before when another poster had a similar issue. When i was pregnant with my first kid and shortly after birth, i had an aversion to small children. I felt that they were germy and a threat to my baby. I even felt this way about my husband's nephew, who was about 2. I think it had something to do with pregnancy hormones and it being my first child.
Luckiky for me, nobody was pressuring me to have small children hold my baby. I think i might have lost my shit if they had. Time went by and the feeling went away. Pressuring a new mother does not help these things. I do think you should talk to your doctor about this. Let her know that it isn't taking care of your baby that's stressing you. It's the pressure from your DH about his other child. Tell your doctor about BM's threats and some of the background. He or she may have some resources for you.
As for your DH, he is delusional. He wants to have this one big happy family. But he doesn't. He has one child with a woman who is hostile to his current partner and has created barriers between you and SD. He has two kids but you do not. This is reality and he has to face it. Yes, as a stepmom you are obligated to treat his other child with kindness and respect. You are not obligated to be Mommy when it suits him then step back when it suits BM. It doesn't work that way.
I'm already having
I'm already having counselling due to these issues and am due to go back next week. Like you say, the more pressure there is to be a certain way, the more you just want to hide / distance yourself. I do feel bad as I can't even look at SD at the moment, it's got that bad. None of this is her fault and I do feel guilty.
Take care of yourself and
Take care of yourself and your baby now. When you are strong enough, then you can work on having whatever relationship with SD you wish to have. Relationships develop naturally over time. They can't be forced.
My partner won't allow it to
My partner won't allow it to develop in time. He constantly puts pressure on me to be a certain way and I think I have snapped!
I hope your counselor can
I hope your counselor can help you think of all options and make the best choice for yourself and your baby going forward, depending on your circumstances.
Think my only option is to
Think my only option is to end it as I can't do it anymore!
You need and deserve to have
You need and deserve to have one on one time with just you and your baby. You are still recovering. You need to be bonding with your baby not interacting and entertaining his 2 year old. This is a special time for YOU and your baby.
A 2 year old holding a newborn? WTF.
I was 4 when my sister was born. I asked my parents a couple of times if I could hold her, they told me "no, you'll break her neck" and that was that. I didn't feel particularly upset or deprived of anything, as it was quite clear to me that an infant sister isn't a doll. I enjoyed interacting with her, but never demanded to hold her. As kids, we had a very clear delineation what adults' job and what isn't. I wouldn't have demanded to drive a car as I wouldn't have demanded to hold an infant. WTF is wrong with this guy, who keeps telling his toddler she can do adult duties?
Yeah he over compensates all
Yeah he over compensates all the time with his daughter. Gives her options for everything rather than just parenting her and saying no. Won't ever just let her throw a tantrum, always finds ways to try and avoid it. A two year old has no place holding a baby!
Sick kids stay with the
Sick kids stay with the parent who got them sick. Particularly when there is an infant in the home of the other parent.
One cough, sniffle, or sneeze.... they can stay with the other parent until they are asymptomatic.
This is not rocket scienc, it is not emotional, it is pure fact.
My parents were on the road on Dec 25 2021 to spend a week with us. I tested COVID (+) mid day, called them, and told them to turn around. I get that this is a toddler, however, sick is sick and it is not a fee fee. It is a fact.
Daddy needs to put his thinking cap on, grow some balls, and protect his infant. This is not rejecting the Skid, this is rejecting the risk of getting a new born sick.
KISS!!!!