Double standards
Hi everyone
Newbie here, just have nowhere to turn in real life. I don’t want to talk to my parents about this and none of my friends are step-parents.
DP and I have been together for 2 years. He’s got 2 daughters from a previous relationship (8&11).
Everything was fab at the beginning. I met them maybe 4 months in and I thought they were great and we’ve always had them every second weekend so we slowly got to know each other.
Now here’s where it gets a bit tricky. I have a 5 year old son and he met his girls when we’d been dating for 7 months. Again, everything was fine at the beginning. I guess the kids were a bit shy/getting used to each other and so everything was very chill.
Up until 3 months ago when DP and I started arguing weekly about the kids. He has this double standard thing where he’s always telling my kid off but his kids can do no wrong? I have zero authority over his girls so if I catch them doing something naughty or mean I don’t usually tell them off (I know that’s probably my bad and I need to put on my big girl pants).
Just a few examples of what happened this past weekend:
my son needed to go to the bathroom but was wearing a costume so asked me if I could undo his back buttons. When he started walking to the bathroom, the 11 yr old ran past him and pushed him out of the way and locked herself in the bathroom. Obviously my 5 yr old got upset and DP just tells him off for crying and tells him to go to another toilet
There is a rule of no eating in bedrooms. We’d had pizza the night before. I went upstairs to tidy the girls’ room and found the pizza box on the bed with crusts on the shelves. I call DP in and ask him to tell his kids off. The girls come in and say ‘oh we ate upstairs because he (DS) told us to’. I saw the 8 yr old take the box out of the fridge but ok… blame it on my 5 yr old who has never broken the eating upstairs rule.
And just plenty of other little things like if my kid does it he gets told off but if his girls do it it’s fine, he doesn’t blink an eye. When he does tell them off, they cry and go sulk somewhere. At 8 & 11 I mean seriously?
Is this normal behaviour from him? I feel like he’s trying so hard to be Disney dad but I’ve had enough. I can’t stand the double standards!!
HUN
Think about how this is affecting your young son. He will start to see himself as less than, and at such a young age too!
Put your son first in this case. He does not deserve this. Your son will always be outnumbered by two SD's who have become spoiled and entitled because DADDIO.
Since your DH is a prick and has low expectations of his precious princesses, and expects more from a 5 year old this is what I would do. Each and every fricking time these SD's are mean to your son, or break the rules, call them out on it! You have every right. Do not let some spoiled lil girls rule the roost. Hell NO you are the queen.
If your SO cannot handle this and gets angry, he aint the guy for you. He certainly aint the guy to be your 5 yr olds SF. You have nothing to lose.
Demand respect for you and your son. If you do not get it , ask yourself is this fair to my son. Is it fair to you? You know it isnt so speak up.
Yeah, this isn't okay. If he
Yeah, this isn't okay. If he won't parent his own kids, tell him he's not allowed to parent yours either.
But overall, this doesn't bode well for you guys blending your families. Don't keep making your son be the scapegoat for all of them.
You know this is wrong
On SO many levels.
He has them every other weekend, which is not much, so thats the WHY of things. But does it matter? What matters is how you will deal with it. You should have a heart to heart with him. if he gets angry then you must decide if this is what you want for your life going forward for you and your son, who should be your first priority.
Are you able to move out? You can still "date" and have your own place.
Going forward from now, tell your partner he no longer can parent your child since hes not able to parent his own. Period.
This is so wrong on many
This is so wrong on many levels. I'm sorry to say he must not care very much about your needs as a partner. He only cares for what he wants and doesn't see your side of things. Then your poor son is paying a price for his kids spoiled actions. Plus this man goes after your son and you say he tells him off. WHAT...no. Stop letting this go on. Either things change or you must leave. This is very unhealthy.
Put yourself in your son's
Put yourself in your son's shoes.
how would you feel about yourself? how would you grasp the unfairness, the lies about you and the cruelty from Mommy's BF? what would you be learning about life from this situation?
Gosh I think I'm going to
Gosh I think I'm going to have to put on my big girl pants and start telling his kids off when I catch them doing something.
I had gotten a bit more comfortable with telling them off but then we got a letter from the BM's lawyer accusing me of being aggressive so I've since been really passive with the SDs....
Passive to the detriment of
Passive to the detriment of your FIVE YEAR OLD! Poor kid.
I wouldn't tell the girls off
I wouldn't tell the girls off, they aren't your kids.
TELL OFF YOUR PARTNER for allowing his kids to be a-holes to your son!
Your job is to protect your son. He shouldn't need protection in his home and he shouldn't need it from his stepfather. He should feel safe with the adults around him.
We always talk about things being a bio parent's problem and they need to fix it. This is one of those times. You need to fix your home for your son.
See my comment
Above. YOU do not parent them - your partner parents them. You protect your little.
If BM is threatening action - and SDs are telling lies, you could have a CPS thing on your hands and your little can possibly be taken away from you.
All it takes is a little coaching from BM, and some accusations leveled at you, and things can take a VERY serious turn. Do not take threats lightly - I would hate for you to lose custody of your child...
Rosilie why do you feel the
Rosilie why do you feel the need to, as you say, to tell your step kids off? Let your husband do this. And if he doesn't then you tell your husband off. Not the kids. This is his problem. He needs to step up. You are going to cause more problems if you go after his kids. He is their father let him handle them.
I feel the need to tell them
I feel the need to tell them off because they always try to blame everything on my kid! Like 'oh he did it' 'he told us you said yes' etc and I know for fact they lie because I've caught them a handful of times. When I bring it up with DP he just brushes it off and that infuriates me. My 5 yr old does a lot of naughty things but he's 5! His girls are about to be 9 & 12! They should know better.
If your DP just brushes it
If your DP just brushes it off then this man is not the right person for your son to be around. You have to realize this. It is right in front of your face and you keep going back to his kids. It is DP who is letting this happen to your poor son.
What is your partner doing to
What is your partner doing to protect you from BM's lies and threats? Being "warned" that you are being too agressive via her lawyer is pretty serious and shows you that she is not going to play fair.
Agree
I mentioned this as well. 4 plus years on this board I have seen many stories about this exact thing! OP, please take those threats seriously!
NEVER PUT A PARTNER BEFORE
NEVER PUT A PARTNER BEFORE YOUR CHILD'S WELL-BEING. This is not fair to him he is only 5. This guy is gross. He can go after your son for every little thing and put the blame on him but he can't stand up to the two trash bags he's raised? This will not work out and will only get worse. As a parent it is your job to protect your son. This is not a good environment. This is not okay. There is no justifying the way he is treating him. There is no salvaging this. Your son will also be the scapegoat to your partner and daughters.