Does your partner meet up with ex and step kids together?
I was wondering if anyone's partner meets up with step kids and the ex for lunch to discuss issues to make step kids "more comfortable"? My husband has been estranged from SD for awhile now and BM has been alienating her for years. Now suddenly BM is suggesting they all go to lunch and hang out together to get SD comfortable enough to start visiting our home again. My husband hates his ex but he is so desperate to see his kid that he is saying atleast it's a start. I'm not too wild about it. I don't understand how BM and DH going to lunch with their spoiled brat of a daughter is going to make things better. To me it's just give in and allowing more manipulation and now BM is super eager to get together all of the sudden. My SD has been whining for years about wanting them back together, hanging out just the 3 of them,, and wanting to go on trips with just both of them and her siblings from her mom. If it's a one time deal okay I can deal but if it starts becoming a regular thing then things will not be good. Has anyone been through this? Does it benefit the kid? How did it make you feel? Maybe I am overreacting but I'm just really pissed off right now.
No this is not cool. Dh did
No this is not cool. Dh did that a few times before he met me but then decided it would be weird and disrespectful to me to do that, so no. There's nothing about SDs "well-being " that can't be discussed over the phone. They are playing your dh like a fiddle.
Not overreacting. It’s a
Not overreacting. It’s a power play in progress
Just a thought - how good are you at pretending to have a meltdown? It seems like DH is too busy having one of his own or tending to BM’s and SD’s hysterics. That might be the only thing that gives him the kick up the backside to get his arse into proper DH gear. In fact you shouldn’t have to pretend too much, I’m sure I would have broken down by now in your shoes.
Well I'm about to. It has
Well I'm about to. It has been absolute hell dealing with this kid over the years and her crazy ass mom and now I feel like this will ruin our marriage. I don't know if it's a one time thing but I just don't see how this helps any step kid. It seems like giving them false hope and BM trashes us to SD constantly so how does this help. Why is this the solution all of the sudden?
Go for it! It's not about
Go for it! It's not about giving false hope, it's about setting up the fall guy and giving themselves an out in the process. Your SD needs to see professional help, and if that's not working find another professional. Your DH has zero hope of clearing up the dysfunction if the solution is for him to pander to princess's needs. But BM and SD can honestly say they tried to give him an opportunity to help and he messed it up so they don't want to see him later. Thereby furthering his sense of guilt and failure. PS, please send more money.
Well yeah he will go I just
Well yeah he will go I just don't want this turning into an all the time thing. The kid has been in therapy for a few months why couldn't this be done with the therapist in that setting? BM won't even tell him what therapist she sees she is hiding all her medical issues but has no problem setting up lunch dates. My husband is a dumb ass.
Then stand firm and insist on
Then stand firm and insist on therapy. Even if it's just to cover his dumb ass. No he said, she said when it's all documented by a hopefully sane person. After your meltdown of course.
Perhaps bm can't afford to go
Perhaps bm can't afford to go out to eat but really wants to? You already know your husband will be expected to pay for all of them to eat.
I am willing to be $50 that
I am willing to be $50 that money is involved in this somehow. They want a free lunch or will ask for him to pay for something, or extra "child support"....
My husbands exwife kidnapped sd’s 8 yrs ago and 5.5 yrs
After that had eldest sd reinitiate contact and demand hubby meet them at her husbands home, the one she was cheating with whilst married to hubby. It was for the kids she claimed. Reality was she wanted to control the conversation so hubby ignored it.
He never wants to be around bio mum ever again. Has survived 11 yrs not seeing her...skids getting married is gonna be lovely when daddy wants to never be around bio mum... I don’t see hubby sucking it up for the kids sake. Bio mum and family are abusive and threatened to kill hubby, why on earth would he want to be there??
Yes, DH did something similar ...
... more than once. Being a little slow on the uptake, I put up with it for several years. Now I would raise Cain, which I'm really good at when I put my mind to it. If my meltdown did not dissuade him, I would insist on going with him and would be ever so icily civil to everyone in attendance. Rinse and repeat until they give up on these gatherings in future, because they are completely inappropriate. BM has no place in your lives, and most espcially has no place in his.
This is a hill to die on.
"BM is suggesting they all go
"BM is suggesting they all go to lunch and hang out together to get SD comfortable enough to start visiting our home again"
Point out that her logic is flawed. If the point is to get SD comfortable so she can visit your home, she needs to be comfrotable with ALL the inhabitants. Therefore you and your baby go too. Otherwise, it's pointless.
Exactly Winterglow!!
A Better suggestion would be you and your baby, and DH take SD to lunch and leave BM totally out of it. This way if SD is really uncomfortable, which I am not sure I believe she is, then it would be a few hours in a neutral public place and then home.
No point to BM being there. My DH's ex used the kids for years to try to keep herself in DH's life. She put the kids up to all kinds of things. My DH stood firm once I came along and never went along with it. If he caves now he will be following BM's rules forever. I know he wants to see his daughter but that is what the courts are for. BM can't dictate or it will never end!
You are right to have concerns!
My DH went to one of these meet ups as a one off soon after the alienating began. SD turned up with a laundry list of complaints about our side of the family. DH addressed each point, at times with BM's aparent support so was encouraged to discuss further. He left feeling good about it and that things would return to 'normal' soon after. How wrong was he! That meet up has been brought up so many times since. It has been twisted and used against us. What BM was supportive of at the time she now says he misunderstood and uses SD as her witness! Not worth it!
If your husband hates BM, how
If your husband hates BM, how is going to lunch with her and SD going to make anybody more comfortable?
My DH and his ex-wife in the same room is uncomfortable for EVERYBODY. My DH would not do this if his life depended on it. First of all, he refuses to be manipulated by his own daughter and her miserable mother.
This is just BM's way of
This is just BM's way of making herself relevant and in control of DH and SD's relationship. Why would your DH go to lunch with the person who is abusing him via his daughter? He should insist this be done with the therapist.
ETA: and if the therapist isn't possible, he should just offer to go to lunch with SD alone. No need for BM to be there.
Not happening
BM tried this with DH-only she wanted him to spend time with her/her bf that she cheated on DH with, and all 3 kids.
DH told her there's no reason for him and bf to spend time together to coparent because they share no mutual children. Plus it's inappropriate.
she swore it was for the kids,however their family therapist determined that was lie.
Ive been in their lives since SS14 was 3 months old and SS19 was 5.
bm still tries to this day to play "happy family"
only now they all shut her down and tell her to kick rocks.
you don't need to fake being a family to make the kid comfortable being with one of their parents. Tbh it will worsen the issue at hand.
Guy's Point of View
Couple points....
Lunch/dinner is not cool and you are right to object. You didn't mention if the BM was married or single, but first thought that popped in my mind is she's up to something. Maybe she wants money, to rekindle the relationship or the daughter is gettng too much to handle and she wants some time without her. Of course, divorced parents need to raise their kids together and it benefits the kids to see positive interaction between the two. But there's a fine line. Why doesn't he have a get together at your house with the BM and SD? You can be in another room or go outside. Allows you to protect your territory/DH while allowing them to interact.
All kids want their parents to get back together of course. And most will subatoge any new relationship. So could explain why your SD is a brat. Letting the three of them go to dinner will only make SD want that more AND do everything she can to sink your relationship.
I try to have a cordial relationship with my kids' BM, even though our marriage ended due to her infidility and she's extremely bitter (grass ain't greener). What worked for us was talking at drop off each weeek (we share custody) about what was going on with the kids. And I made a point to do it in front of the kids so they could see our interaction. But I would never want to go to lunch or dinner with her. Way too weird and confusing to the kids.
I have been in SD's life
I have been in SD's life since she was 3. DH and BM were never married they were teen parents that were together only 1 year and split before SD turned a year old. BM and I have had a very civil relationship over the years we've had friendly chats and there was no obvious tension. BM married this guy after 6 weeks of dating and they have had kids and are still together. She has always had her husband involved in everything and cut my DH out or hid things from him. Dh and BM have always had contact and have discussed issues I'm okay with that I understand. However, all of the sudden there is so much emphasis on my husband making alone time for the 3 of them together. BM insists that is the only way to make SD comfortable (never needed her to feel comfortable in all the 11 years prior). She doesn't want her to come visit alone and doesn't want my husband to have his scheduled visitation because it is what SD wants. BM also wants it at a a restaurant or somewhere out away from both households. My SD has always made it known that she wants them back together and she blames me for them being separated. I know BM has always and still has a thing for my husband that I'm not really worried about I think this is BM and SD coming together to make a bunch of demands. To me this "family" time is disrespectful and giving the kid false hope or at worst fueling more manipulation.
WwCorgi, I think you need to
WwCorgi, I think you need to make this your hill to die on. “So much emphasis on my husband making alone time for the 3 of them together.” You are by far the senior wife, if you want to look at it that way. DH and BM were not married, were only together one year, and yes, they had a child together, but that shouldn’t mean DH is branded and owned for life. You been with him, been married to him for much longer, and have a child with him as well.
I fail to understand why your DH is permitting his ex’s brand to remain on him. And, I’m starting to suspect there is more going on here with him than you may think. I don’t think he is coveting her, but he may be longing for something else that he mistakenly thinks he is going to get by hanging out with his ex- and child together. And, it is not that he just misses his daughter.
I keep hearing over and over what DH wants and BM wants and SD wants. What do you want? In this case, I would literally look at it like DH either choses to be with his ex- or you. You cannot keep having to have to deal with his cowardness on this issue. He has been letting it go on for too long. Since both you and his ex- have a child, as odd as it may seem, I see this as irrelevant. He needs to make his choice. Either pick his ex- or you, and you need to make your choice too. Do you still want him? Think about this.
You have spent way too many years dealing with and getting your butt whipped over what was little more than a one-night stand DH had that resulted in a child. Your DH should have nipped this in the bud years ago with his ex-. And, one has to wonder, if this kid keeps going on and on about, “I want mommy and daddy back together,” maybe she is picking up on something that you are not. Again, I’m not saying that your DH specifically wants BM, but he may want some sort of do-over. And remember, he is not stuck in the middle. You are. If he won’t make his choice and take you out of the middle, then you need to make your choice and take yourself out.
My husband's parents divorced
My husband's parents divorced when he was 5 and he always tells me I will never understand what that is like because my parents are still together. His dad catered more to his new wife and her children and my husband was somewhat on his own and felt like an outsider. He grew resentful of his dad and they've always had a strained relationship. He always says he will never be like him? I feel like he is projecting his own experience onto his daughter and thinking this is how she feels, when in fact our whole life since we met has been centered around keeping her and BM happy. It was easier for him to give in to SD and BM otherwise we would go through complete hell. BM knew how to keep control by telling SD what a horrible dad he was, turning her against him, or making a huge embarrassing scene in public screaming at him. My husband hated that SD witnessed this or was being embarrassed herself when BM would go off at her sporting events so he just kept quiet and obeyed to avoid huge conflict. I think the whole "mommy and daddy" back together thing comes from BM telling SD stories of when she was a baby and they were together and giving SD old pictures of them together.
Giving into SD and BM was
Giving into SD and BM was easier for him at the moment. "At the moment," is key here, because as you have witnessed, his "giving in" has made things much worse for everyone in the long run. For example, BM now knows how to yank his chain, SD is a spoiled, manipulative brat, you as his wife are ever expected to suck it up and take it, and now you have an "ours" child together that will apparently have to pay some sort of price because DH couldn't nip this in the bud years ago.
You are going through what a lot of SMs have gone through, and that is they are always being gaslighted in some way or another to go with DH on giving in to BM's asinine requests or demands or SK's demands, because it is "easier." We've all have pretty much gone through this here, so our eyes are fairly wide opened at this point as to how this looks. Various cards are often added to the deck, such as the "kids' first" card or "you'll never understand what it is like to be a COD” card, or “she’s the mother of my child” card. These are all gaslighting, manipulative techniques our society and our own DHs use to bend us to their will and to try to get us to accept that we are just weak, little women who have to contend with being sloppy seconds in our own marriages and kowtow to the wants and whims of the first family.
So, there is nothing you could tell me and many others here that would ever convince us that your DH is somehow being husbandly and oh-so-legit with this behavior. You've have come here many times with the same types of situations going on and your DH always seems to have the same type of excuses. I'm just saying that it is time for YOU to decide what YOU want to do. Or, ask yourself what are you hoping to hear from us? If you're hoping to hear there is nothing you can do but suck it up and take it, then I give you permission to take that from these pages and run with it. If you want to be free and liberated from this mess, then start opening your eyes and looking out for yourself and your newborn vs. going through the hell of feeling like you have to defend your DH every 5 minutes.
P.S. How ironic too that DH
P.S. How ironic too that DH's daughter may wind up feeling the same about him as your DH feels about his own dad, and despite his "best" efforts. Yet, in your DH's and SD's case, it is truly BM that has poisoned the well. I wonder if it'll ever occur to your DH that it may have been the same with his dad--that perhaps his resentment of his own dad might be due more to his mom's coaxing and spinning it as, "Your dad favors them over you," then anything else. But, naah, that won't happen. Rather than admit his own mom may have at least played a part in it and that dad may not be quite the a$$ he thought he was, he'll just keep telling himself all he has to do is try harder and harder with his SD and ex-. And, possibly wind up losing you and yours in the process.
He needs to insist on talking
He needs to insist on talking to the therapist about this before even considering it. Bet that makes BM backpedal big time.
Stuck together in the
Stuck together in the Principles office with skid after getting that awful telephone call...normal.
Gosh forbid, stuck in the er or doctors office with skid..normal.
Playing footsies (accidently) under the table at lunch or dinner---NO way, NOT ok.
Here is what I would do, have a facetime meeting OR zoom meeting with everyone if it is so darn urgent.
Other than that tell her to buzz off.
This is not ok, dh is married---either you are with him or he does not go anywhere with your bm. FACETIME, ZOOM or email. Be careful about therpist---before you know it bm may ask dh to go to therapy 'together' so the chilllll-drennnn are comfortable. NOPE just NOPE..
That's how I view it. Parent
That's how I view it. Parent teacher conferences, doctor visits, important stuff like that is normal I have zero problem with. BM suggesting lunch dates together just the 3 of them rubs me the wrong way. How will this help? SD has refused to speak to DH or come during his CO visitation by her own choosing. She literally started all of this because she is mad the we are having a daughter together and she won't be the only girl in the house. SD still won't talk to DH this is all coming from BM.
Can you get it through his
Can you get it through his thick skull that if he is truly desperate to "sort things out" that the only way to do it properly and decently is with a few family sessions with her therapist? The added bonus is having the therapist, a neutral third party, as a witness...
My husband asked but BM said
My husband asked but BM said no and won't tell him what therapist SD sees. My husband contacted the insurance company for the information but he is waiting to hear back from them.
I would hate this too. I have
I would hate this too. I have been through a few of these cosy "family" lunches etc or vital in person chats that my husband and BM absolutely must do. (Not in person myself, because I am not an idiot - but I have witnessed my husband being drawn into these types of things on several occasions over the course of our marriage).
Last summer, after we moved 1000's of miles away a few years prior, he was even persuaded that BM and him MUST meet FACE-To-FACE for a particular discussion. So he flew over to BM's state, hired a car, stayed at a hotel and spent a couple of thousand of dollars doing all of this last miniute because those two do not organise or plan ahead.
Anyway, my experiences have taught me to voice my opinion and opposition to the meeting stating why I feel it is unnessary or why I feel BM is taking advantage of him and then to leave him to make up his own mind. I cannot stop him from doing these idiotic things, so there is no point in having a war in my marriage over them. Invariably after these events he comes back and something happened to make him hate BM more or to regret going. Slowly over the years he has grown less tolerat of BM and her BS, but it is a process.
yes i have been through this
yes i have been through this !! Its all a manipulation process. The BM would even kick up a stink if my partner (now ex) didnt want to get together every xmas morning so the brat couple open gifts as a family,,, oh i wasnt ever invited ,, nor would i ever want to go and feel extremely uncomfortable on xmas morning. BM and DH (never married) broke up when the SS was 2yrs old,,, they carried on this charade until the brat was 6!!! All i can say now is that brat is one messed up confused demon child that has no respect for anyone as he thinks the world revolves around him! i was stupidly with his father until the kid was 12 and put up with so much disrespect and general crap as they didnt want to upset poor baby boy pfftttt!!!!! Me trying to be the loving , giving and supportive partner that i am ,, just got f*cked over and over until i really didnt know which way was up! DH would take the brat on an anuual holiday to spend time together as boys,, 2 years in a row the BM turned up unannouced and demanded she be included and wouldnt leave,,,, i didnt even go on theses vacations ,,,,, DH being as balless as he is ,, let it happen and would let her stay and just happen to not mention it to me,,, i found out this years later when a family member didnt realise i didnt know and let things slip in conversation. He was too balless to tell her to f*ck off and too balless to be honest with me. Dont for one minute think she is doing this for the benefit of their child !!!! SHE IS NOT!!!! its all about having control over him and psiing you off at the same time ,,,, she wants to show you that she has the first and final word over this man and that she alwasy will!! your DH needs stand his ground and say no! zoom or facetime is suffcient. If she wants to go to lunch etc ,, she can take the child herself and consider it quality mummy time !
My ex used to do this and
My ex used to do this and this was one of the many reasons why we are no longer together. I wouldn't mind him hanging out with his ex, especially for the sake of the kids, but he seemed to want to only do it when I was not there and not mention it to me. They also always hung out at her place together. I thought it was odd. It felt like they were hiding something, ever if they weren't. It effected the intimacy in our relationship. I defintely wasn't allowed to be part of their time together.
Good for you for leaving on
Good for you for leaving on that note!
Yep! That is what it boils
Yep! That is what it boils down to, as soon as you feel uncomfortable and your DH is giving in to another woman (doesn't matter if it is BM or not) vs. you, then that is the time it becomes a hill to die on, because why are with or married to this man then, if you never know when you'll be stuck playing sloppy-seconds or thirds in your own marriage? No one wants that--for an ex- anything to come first!? And sure, there is the general runaround about, "It's for the kid's sake and such," but other than a school situation or similar, how relevant is it really that BM and bio-dad both be there and sans their respective spouses? Not very.
This would not be ok with me.
This would not be ok with me. There is no reason your husband needs to have lunch with BM. It sounds like she's trying to be controlling.
He should never agree to
He should never agree to anythign with BM unless you are on-board and included. If BM is truly trying to make SD comfortable, she needs to be comfortable around you also. This is BM and SD trying to manipulate and deceive. BM is no longer his wife and his obligation is to you first and his past second. I would offer a better suggestion. Start with an afternoon with the three of you - You, DH and SD. No need EVER for it to be a party of four.
Does DH has visitation rights? If so, he needs to demand them immediately. If not, he needs to hire an attorney get a new parenting plan established with his new 'proof' that BM is encouraging the visitaiton.
Nope.
Beyond the extremely rare face to face Skid handover at the end of SpermClan visitation my DW has never laid eyes on the DipShitiot since she booted his ass out when she was 17 and the Skid (SS-28) was less than 1yo.