No one can give you those answers. For one thing, all autistic kids are all different, just like all "normal functioning" kids are different. What you need to do is before you get serious with your BF is decide what you want from life and if you want to be with someone that is responsible for another life for the rest of his life. You are lucky, most people don't get the chance to decide if they want to be in that position. However, you are unlucky that if you decide to be there, you didn't get to be there from the beginning and make decisions that may have helped him be more functional as an adult.

Having a disabled or mentally ill child is more work than most people will ever know or experience in their lives. If you go forward, be very careful. In a past relationship my bf had a mentally ill child, it was more difficult than I could have ever imagined and our DD ended up getting injured. She still loves her brother, and so do I, but if I could have the same DD and her never have gone through those years of pain. I would in a heartbeat...

Good luck!

The key is, how does BF handle it? Is there a BM who is brainwashing the children in the picture? And does BF cowtow to the BM? Will things change when the BM finds out about you. . .and not for the better?

How financially obligated is he to the BM? Even if the BM is not in the picture, does dad parent by guilt or traditionally? Does he PITY his children or does he expect them to tow the line (within reason)?

OK, first I am the mom of an autistic kiddo...they are NOT all violent. Not anymore than other kids. Heck, plenty of "normal" kids where I live hit other kids and my son never has, so don't think he is violent because he is autistic.

With that in mind, if he is in highschool, normal classes, etc...then he is probably pretty high functioning and does NOT need to be supported by his parents the rest of his life...if he does, he's probably just lazy like other NT lazy kids.

If he has speech issues, is in special ed, cannot function, etc...then that is a bit different. He might have to be taken care of, but again, all autistics are different...many are very successful and work and are not supported by their parents...and then there are some lazy ones who are supported by their parents. Again, same as NT kids.

Now on how to deal with an autistic kiddo? They are mostly people with "fairness and too much reason" in their mind. They see the world mostly black and white. What I mean is that instead of saying "do this because I say so", if you say "do this because otherwise you might get tired, you might get sick, you might get hungry, because of this could happen to you..." they are much more willing to accept what you say and be good with it.

Another thing is that many hate sudden changes in plans. This does not mean that the entire day or everyday has to be a schedule. It does mean that as much as possible, you need to let them know in advance of plans that change their plans. ie. instead of "get dressed, we gotta go", the day before or as soon as possible say "hey, tomorrow we will need to go out at 12N to X place, so I need you to wake up early and get dressed and be ready to go..." That gives them the time they need to refocus on something new.

Some autistics get a bad rap as far as temper because they are just different in the way they think and people are constantly putting them down. Anyone, even neurotypical individuals would be tired of people putting them down...autistics just express it more.

Here is an article I wrote about me and my autistic kiddo

http://www.squidoo.com/autism-autismo

Although it was written from the view of parent/child, many of the same things can be applied to other autistics and parents...ie. you need a place to relax, music is relaxing, have a place to calm down, etc...I hope it helps you and yours.

By the way, I read somewhere that autistic kiddos do better with their dads than their moms. The way most autistic think, see things is very much "male"...even girls...ie. black and white, simple commands, etc. So, your DH can probably help if he puts his big boy pants on and make a huge difference in his son's behavior.

Also, here is a website that is a blessing, especially for autistic kiddos and parents, and teens...a place where they can speak to others who think the same way as them and not feel isolated. It really helps see others understand you and also, see that you are indeed different and that sometimes you have to also make accomodations. It has helped me tremendously in my marriage, as no doubt I am autistic myself

www.wrongplanet.net