I feel like I want to take my 10 week old son and run away from the rest of my life. I keep thinking I am the wrong personality to be involved in this situation and shouldn't be a step mom. But how do I walk away now? I don't want to share my son with his Dad and only get to see him every second week. I feel like I was not prepared for how excruciatingly hard this would be. I was already 5 months pregnant by the time my SO started being able to see his daughter again. She will be 4 in a few weeks. So while I knew he had a daughter, I didn't really know how this situation would be. I didn't know I would have all these terrible feelings.

Everything is a fight with my SO's ex. She is a bully and tries to manipulate everyone into doing what she wants. There is no compromise. I am not good with high conflict people. And it is very hard to say because no one wants to admit they feel this, but I am such a jealous person and have a long list of insecurities. So while I do feel very jealous and insecure around her, I know that this part of it isn't actually about her, it's about me. My SO tells me all the time why I shouldn't feel this way but I do. I am considering counselling because I know these are not productive feelings to have. But it won't change overnight and I don't know how to cope right now. I hate that he has to talk to her, to be around her, I hate it when she calls, texts him, etc. I feel like I have to share him with her, because I do. She gets his time, his money, etc. And to make it even harder, she doesn't understand boundaries. She thinks she has a right to know about our lives and gets a say in the things that we do. She insists on coming to the MIL's house for pick ups and drop off instead of my SO picking up at her house. She keeps trying to arrange so her sister can see my son. And not asking, but demanding. I flat out refuse. While we had SD at our house for two weeks, she informed us she was going to come for a visit. No asking. But then decided the 4 hour round trip was too long. She is not allowed in my house! After I had my son she showed up at my MIL's house and grabbed my son from my MIL. I was too shocked to do or say anything. Later she made comments about how if her kids had been as small as him, she wouldn't be fat either. And oh great another snotty nosed boy that is gonna run around causing havoc. That he would grow as fast because I was breatfeeding him. Told her other son who isn't my SO kid that my son was also his brother. Excuse me? No he isn't. And when talking about me to her daughter referred to me as daddy's friend or whatever.

I enjoy my SD. I like spending time with her. I think it is also important for her and my son to know each other. She is funny, smart and a lot like her dad, luckly. But I do find because of her mom I am probably not as close to her as I could be. My SO tries to keep his ex in her place, but she always pushes back and sometimes it feels impossible. As stupid as it sounds I feel angry at him sometimes, because if he had made better life decisions before me, we wouldn't be here right now. I get to pay for his mistakes.

For right now, I am trying to disengage from his ex and anything to do with her unless it is something I need to know. Like about money or changes in visitation. Has anyone else done this? Did it work very well? I still want to see my SD, but not her mother. My MIL thinks I should be there to back up my SO. But what about me? I don't feel like this is gonna be easy. Even though I know I shouldn't let her, she always says something or does something that upsets me. I don't want to be anywhere around when she drops off/picks up. I am not going to any events that involves her. This is also including the upcoming birthday. We were trying to have a separate birthday for SD, but her mother has stopped that. And we won't get her again till quite a bit after her birthday because of summer. She told my ex that SD only has one family so she only gets one party. I am not apart of that women's family. And I'm not going to the party and neither is my son. She wants to have a joint one, so SO can pay for half of it, and so she isn't out done. It's looking like SO is going alone. I don't think he should go either, but I don't know if the fight that will follow with her is worth it. She makes me feel like I am not in charge of my own life.