Disengagement with a full time skid?

Forums:

How do I disengage when my SS lives with me full time and only goes to BM's for around 2 overnights every other month? I have been trying since reading the book "Step Monster". But it's just really hard. I can't be in my room all the time for goodness sakes this is my house. I am just so tired of having my feelings hurt by this kid. For 5 years I have raised him and the kid still won't even look at me. Yesterday my BS 11 and SS 10 were playing and I ask what they want for lunch. BS comes out to talk to me and ask what there is, normal kid right? SS yells from bedroom "grilled cheese" that's it no "I want a grilled cheese" no please, he didn't even come out to talk to me. He then tells my BS tell your mom I want a grilled cheese. I know this seems small but this kid hasn't talked to me all weekend. I tell my DH that this really hurts my feelings. I explain to him that when you take care of someone for 5 years, don't yell, don't abuse, and are the best parent you can be and they won't even talk to you it's hurtful. His response "it's just SS". Guess what I don't care if it's just SS anymore, I am beyond tired of being treated like this. I want to save my marriage but I don't know if it's possible at this point.

DH and I have talked and talked and talked until we are blue in the face about SS's behavior but DH never follows through. I have in the past and all that accomplished was getting the kid to dislike me more. He lays around doing nothing all day every day, is extremely overweight, has no friends except my BS. DH always makes excuses for him, never gives consequences, and in general let's the kid do what he wants.

How do I disengage not just physically, but emotionally as well. All of this has really made me feel like I'm a bad person. Why can't I love this kid? My DH keeps asks me to keep trying saying he's only a kid, which is true, but don't my feelings matter too?

I would tend to agree with

I would tend to agree with this comment. Although every family is different, for me it took my S/O reminding his son how much I do for him and telling him to tell me thank you and that he needed to respect me because I am in charge, too. It also took me having some sit down chats with him as well about respect and that good stuff. How do the skids treat their dad? Do they talk to him that way? If they treat him that way they may just need an all around attitude adjustment.

Good luck

I know, we are in marriage

I know, we are in marriage counseling. The thing is it's not blatant disrespect, it's more like I'm just treated like a piece of furniture. I'm pretty sure were not going to make it out of this, it makes me so so sad. My DH just doesn't get it when I tell him I am literally at my wits end.

You're upset by the way the

You're upset by the way the kid communicates around you. You're upset because he isn't communicating WITH you.

But you're not communicating WITH him either. You're putting it on your DH to pass along your message.

Your right I'm not. Reason

Your right I'm not. Reason being I have tried to communicate for 5 years and whenever I ask SS why he does the things he does its a shrug. I have had serious talks, fun talks, casual talks, you name it I've tried it. I've grounded, restricted, rewarded all of it. We have had full custody of SS for 5 years, he is 10 almost 11 now so it's not like he shouldn't be comfortable with me.

Almost every other time when he does his ignore thing I tell him it's rude and that he needs to ask me politely. My frustration is just so high right now I'm afraid that if I talk to SS about it I will blow up. I don't want to say things to SS that I can't take back, you know?

I can empathize with you.

I can empathize with you. Although I am a stepmom to a 13 and 10 yo girl, bio mom to a 3 yo girl and 2 yo boy, I feel myself disengaging more and more. It is difficult for me because I feel pressured by my DH and MIL to always say yes to the skids. Let them invite themselves into our home when it is convenient for them, mind you, and let them do what they want, when they want. They only call when they want something. When they come over I feel myself get angry as soon as they walk in the door. I have to put on a fake smile, and force myself to be nice. They expect me to go out of my way to do for them, and never give anything in return. They plop down and ask to use MY laptop. That`s all they want to do the whole weekend. My MIL has informed me that they do complain to her when we don`t give them their way. They asked her for an Ipad and Iphone for Christmas, and were disappointed when they did not get it. These girls are a welfare/section 8 family. They want to ask her to buy them all this expensive stuff they don`t need, but they never want to spend any time with her. It bothers me that they have tried to condition us into believing that we always have to say yes to them, give them what they want, and do for them. There is no communication going on when they are here. They want to act sweet and shy, but turn around and run to Grandma when they get mad. They also expect their dad to give them money and/or take them to the store and give them money whenever they come over. I am so stressed when they are here and hide away in my bedroom. I pretend like they are not here most of the time. I feel like they are coming here, gathering information on my DH, kids, and I, and running back and telling their mom. I have decided that since they have gotten on my computer every time they have came over for the last 2 years, that this weekend they will not be getting on it. I don`t understand what they have to do on it that is so much more important than spending time with their dad, and getting to know me. If they have a problem with the fact that I am establishing rules for them, then they can make other arrangements to see their dad. Stepmoms and dads have the right to tell a person what they can and cannot do in their home. You have to be strong and let them know that you will not give in to them. You are the adult. If they don`t like it, then they can leave.

Im sorry, I know you are

Im sorry, I know you are struggling, but I guess im just not seeing things the same way. Only you can make him respect you. DH telling him to isn't going to make him do it. When he yelled that he wanted a grilled cheese and didn't say please or make any other implication other than demanding it, that is when you in a parental role should have walked down the hall and said. "since you couldn't use manners, your welcome to make your own. If you would like me to do things for you, you will treat me with respect." Same things go for doing his laundry, cooking any other meals, or anything that you would do for your own kids. You would expect your own kids to use manners and treat you with respect, what makes him different? the fact he is a step kid? sry find a better excuse.

I agree with this^^^. You are

I agree with this^^^.

You are accountable for teaching people how to treat you. Certainly, it's nice when others step up in our defense, but it's more our responsibility than anyone else's to teach others to respect us.

When he's rude to you, speak up. When he hurts your feelings, speak up.

You're a grown woman with a voice of your own. Use it, just like you would with your own child.

Make a rule. If you want to convey a message to me (let me know what you'd like to eat, etc) use your mouth. Communicate with me.

When you communicate with me, do it respectfully & use your manners.

Don't want to follow my rules, make it yourself.

She's right. And this is the

She's right. And this is the "disengagement" that you should be doing (hiding out in your room isn't disengagement, it's just building your resentment.)

You have every right to not do any cooking or cleaning for the kid, and you have every right to calmly express why you will not be doing these things for him. You do not have to allow anyone to treat you disrespectfully. .

Kind of rude don't you think,

Kind of rude don't you think, trying to get ideas not be put down i can get that in my own home thanks for the support

The deal is I have taught SS

The deal is I have taught SS all of the manner things, all of the parent things, have treated him the same as my bio kids. When you repeat things over and over for years and years and nothing changes is when disengagement starts to sound good.

Would you have let your bio

Would you have let your bio order grilled cheese for lunch by shouting from his bedroom? I'm assuming not...

So if you won't allow your kids to behave badly, don't let SS either.

Or, don't even ask him what he wants in the first place.

I don't think there's really a middle ground on this one - not if you want to keep your sanity.

I have talked to SS about all

I have talked to SS about all of this stuff OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER!!!!!! I HAVE A VOICE, I DISH OUT PUNISHMENT. This is not stuff I am asking for help with. The kid does not change no matter what I do so my question is this? HOW DO I DISENGAGE FROM A SS WHO LIVES WITH ME FULL TIME?

Stop making him sandwiches.

Stop making him sandwiches. Stop doing things for him. His dad can do for him, or he can do for himself.

This is kind of where i'm at

This is kind of where i'm at now. Do you do this?

He is like a blob that lives in my house and that is where my aggravation comes in.

How do you get to the point where they don't aggravate you anymore?

The kid is 10-years old. You

The kid is 10-years old. You still have the teenage years to conquer. My guess is that this will get worse before it gets better.

I say that partly because of his age, partly because of the process of unlearning what he's been taught (by enabling) & re-learning in regards to what he can/can't get away with, & the unfortunate fact that your DH has sent a clear message that he isn't going to do anything about his child's lack of respect toward others.

YOU decide how you will allow others to treat you. If they fail to respect you, you simply go on with life. You are not required to participate or reward ill behavior from your DH, your son, your SS, or anybody else.

Agree 100%. I got to the

Agree 100%. I got to the point with SS16 that we would barely speak to each other. Hello, goodbye that's about it. He would make his own dinner, wash his own clothes, etc, I did nothing in the end. He has now moved out cause he hates us all (another story) but for my own sanity I had to completely cut him off, it is very, very hard to disengage when they live with you full-time.

It is hard to not get resentful, but I found that by not giving a shit about him, I felt much better. He kept to the confines of his room and if he stepped out of line in the rest of the house I pulled him up, but otherwise ignored him. And I have raised him since he was 8, because his deadshit mother couldn't give a shit. It won't change so you either decide to cut him off, or get out, they are really the only option when you get to that point,

I agree with the comments

I agree with the comments above. If he can not bother to ask nicely then don't do it. However, 1 thing I will add is that you should all sit down and explain that everyone needs to work on manners(we know your son is, but don't single anyone out). I would explain that people need to respect each other and you can use you and your DH as an example. I would explain that if people do not use their polite words that things will not be done for them. If there are rude comments, other disrespectful behavior than privileges will be taken away. TV, ipads, computers...
At 10 & 11 kids need chores, that is something that can be discussed at a future family meeting. Of course you will need to discuss with DH, so that the 2 of you can come across as a united team. If chores not done, then no TV, ipads,...
Just my thoughts

What do you do? Well you

What do you do? Well you start taking action to stand your ground amd refuse to be treated in this manner. Stop asking DH to intervene, stop expecting him to because how many times has he shown you he is not going to do this?! Either by making excuses "thats just ss" or promising you and not doing it. You are driving yourself batty by investing alllll your emotional, physical enery into trying to wake up ss through talking to him, asking him, trying to force him with punishments and all the while you have asked dh to help-which he is refusing to do. So let me ask you this. Why are you the only one trying to be nice? Why does ss get your nice, reasonable side while he treats you with disrespect ?( and ignorance is disrespect, passive aggressive and controlling. Its an underhanded "fuck you" which many parents ignore because its more subtle and covert than being out and outverbally abusive ). Why does dh get a free pass to ignore this shit while you are so stressed you are on a forum to get help?

Time you straighten that mommy steel spine that all mothers have and start taking action for yourself as the priority. So when he calls out his "I wants..." then he gets ignored. He has made a conscious decision to ignore your polite request that he treat you with consideration, so the consequences are on him and he doesnt get his sandwich of choice. At 10 he can make his own. If he asks why he hasnt had x, then really nicely tell him "I am not your maid ss, I am your SM. Until you come in and ask nicely and you stop ignoring me unless you want something, then I will treat you in the same manner. Shouting your demands from your room is not polite and will be ignored. If you want something to eat, then fix it yourself."

Same applies to taxing him around, doing his laundry, shopping, nice things you do for bs. You do not have to do this while beingnasty, I would urge you be really nice and calm. Do NOT feel guilt, nervous or unsure, as both ss and dh wil jump alll pver that to convince you how awful you are being, instead please do remember that while ss is only 10, he has a brain and knows exactly what he is doing and that dh had zero compunction, concern or anger over your confusion, hurt, discomfort and frustration over a child continually disrespecting an adult.

I would ensure that I would not not get into an y negotiations with dh over this and in fact should any work arise over your disenagement, then "dh sweetie, ss has made a mess in the kitchen. Please could you clear it ..." after all its "just ss". Use his own words against him and let him feel the weight of his son entirely on his shoulders!

Before I get into

Before I get into disengaging, when you present the favor of making someone something to eat and they ignore you, or are rude to you--Explain respect short and sweet. If he doesn't get it...dont feed em. Apply to all life events and repeat if necessary.

Don't let him get to you. He has the short end of the stick because he's the one that's going to starve. He's the one that's going to suffer. You're going to be fine because you'll be disengaged.

You emotionally disengage

You emotionally disengage from a kid by coming to realize that a million children are growing up without your help and most of them will do just fine. You have to add this kid to that group removing him from the group of kids you feel responsible for.

You want permission to go to friends house - sorry you'll have to talk to your Dad.
You're hungry - ask your Dad.
You're clothes are dirty - ask when Dad is doing your laundry.
You haven't bathed in a week - please get out of this room while I watch TV.
If he makes a comment like "It's hot outside" you ignore him.
If he answers the phone and says its for you then you retrieve the phone without a thank you.
If he brings in the newspaper you take it without a word.
If he says good-night you don't respond.
When you decide to take your kid to the movies he's not invited. (But it is OK for your son and him to go if Daddy has the money for the step-kid).
Any words that come out of his mouth are ignored unless its a question in which case your response is "Ask your Dad". It's OK to respond to a message silently by acting on it - if he says Daddy (who is in the garage) needs your help you go to the garage without saying a word to the kid.

Your facial features and body language are neutral - you're not angry - you're not getting even - you're not trying to hurt anyone. You just don't care anymore. YOU step-child are not a concern of mine - I don't hate you - I don't need you - I don't want to see bad come to you and I don't care when good comes your way. You are just not in my world.

Somewhere along the way you tell your husband that its the mothers job to raise a boy and the fathers job to raise a man. It's now time for him to step up and either raise a man who is a self functioning member of society or a loser. If for no other reason that at the end of high school he is out of the house unless he (same for your boy) is a full time college student.

Emotional disengagement is difficult for women compared to men. You're maternal instincts want to help this boy but you'll have to overcome them. Ask for help doing this in your counseling sessions - your husband may realize how serious you're taking this if you tell a authority figure how you feel.

By all means make it clear in the sessions that leaving is under serious consideration. Make it clear that if Daddy doesn't escalate the consequences of actions you report to him then you'll have no choice but to go. At this point I don't think he realizes how serious you are about this.