difficult ex-wife has found things from my past. can she take custody away from my husband because of my past?
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I could go on for hours about my new husband's ex, but I will shorten things up by saying that this woman is difficult for the sake of being difficult and she needs a hobby.
I understand doing a little research on the people that are around your children, but this woman must have spent hours searching the web or paid someone to research my past. She has threatened to take my husband's custody rights because of my past.
I have 2 DUI's from over 6 years ago. That was my past life. I was in my 20's.
does she have a leg to stand on in court and what can I do to protect my husband from my misdemeanor-laden past.
no judging comments. Just advice please. I have made mistakes and come back from them.
thanks
She's blowing hot air if all
She's blowing hot air if all she really has is 2 old DUI tickets. I'm going to assume you were not driving with children in vehicle (which is a larger no-no) and that you went through whatever required classes and penalty handed you.
I'll assume you learned your lesson and count yourself lucky that you didn't manage to hurt yourself or anyone else. Dh's custody issues have nothing to do with your past offenses. About the most she might be able to do now at the current time is request you not be allowed to drive the children nor do pick-ups/drop-offs. Ok, so you don't drive kids nor do the exchanges, no big deal.
If she suspects you are currently drinking and left in attendance of the skids, she might be able to have a drug test ordered. Again, no biggie. You shouldn't be drinking and taking care of kiddies at the same time (not saying you are or would).
She's going to need a lot more than two old DUI tickets to hang over husband's head. Yes, while all parents should be concerned with any type of behavior an opposite parent and/or stepparent has that could be detrimental to a child's safety and well being, this lady is grasping at straws. If she actually files a motion then hire a lawyer. Until then, she's all hot air trying to scare and manipulate through threats.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. I have graduated college, bought a house, and done a lot of growing up since the convictions. I'm not asking for custody or visitation rights, I just don't want my husband to have to go through a legal battle because of things I've done in my past.
P.S. Let me just add that BM ran over a child with an SUV with her 6 y/o son in the car while she was texting 3 years ago. She didn't get charged with anything because the texting fact didn't come out till much later. The parents of the child who's pelvis was crushed and face was ripped open forgave BM. No charges were filed.
I imagine that my husband and I could make an equally strong case against her.
Glass houses...
I personally think first
I personally think first right to refusal should be in all custody/visitation agreements. It's never made sense to me to have the child over if the opposite parent isn't going to be around the huge majority of the time. The way many states have done to basing their CS guidelines to time spent between parents (besides the other guidelines) has set up an environment of the opposite parent demanding x amount of time regardless of if that parent can self parent during the times. Sad.
double post
double post
For taking custody away? I
For taking custody away? I don't think so, provided that you've learned your lesson and have worked to better your life since then.
Her concern is understandable. Her wanting to make sure nothing will happen to the kids is understandable. But if you've made big changes for the better, I highly doubt the judge would strip your dh of any custody.
IMO: I do not believe a judge
IMO: I do not believe a judge is going to remove the skids for a couple misdemeanors from your past such as DUI. Maybe for drug, abuse convictions things like that but not DUI.
Also depending on the state you are in, if you have infact changed your life and its been 6 years, if you have proof that you changed your life you can go back to the courts in which these happened and request an expungment hearing. I did that. I had an DUI in my young days and hated it on my record. I was not that party animal anymore that I was when I was younger. I went in and explained to the judge that I had changed, showed him proof of me going to college and having a good job and even told him I got married and have step children to take care of along with wanting to make a family. I also had no other criminal charges since that DUI. I still to this day have a CLEAN record. Anyways that judge was impressed and liked the changes I had made (mind you they were simple changes that proved I was a good citizen)he expunged it from my record. Gone.
So maybe just for your own sake even though I don't believe this will take the kids away, call the clerk of courts and see what you need to do to set up an expungement hearing for both of them.
Eh, I have a friend who is a
Eh, I have a friend who is a step mom.
The BM in her life got remarried to a nine time convicted felon. (Drug sales and possession (x many), shooting people, possession of weapons, assault, robbery etc etc)
And the felon has an addition THREE misdomeanor DUI's.
They recently had court. Her DH was attempting to keep the Felon from being around the kids or driving them anywhere since the kids (teenagers) report that he will drink beer WHILE driving in the car.
The end result is the felon is not allowed to be ALONE with her skids. BM must be present at all times BUT the judge would not restrict him from being the driver of a vehicle with the skids in it due to it being an 'unenforcable order'.
In other words, he knew that friends DH would be filing contempt EOW due to the moron driving the kids around anyway, and it is he said she said, kids say he was driving, he and the mother swear he wasnt and it all results in a waste of the courts time.
No. The DUIs were not taken
No. The DUIs were not taken into account.
His violent crimes were brought up to keep him from being alone with the kids. Also the fact that he smokes SPICE in front of the kids. Judge still did not pull custody. But did state he could not be alone with the kids.
DUIs were brought up to keep him from driving the kids around, since the kids all swear he has their BM open beers for him while driving 80+ down the interstate: Judge Would not make the order as it is unenforcable.
One real case, with a real
One real case, with a real judge, who made a binding decision.
Not blind conjecture that 'judges' will not 'allow'.
And the REALLY shitty part about this case:
Friends DH is a cop.
Yep. Whole reason the BM
Yep.
Whole reason the BM wasn't stripped of custody is that her husband isn't "currently" engaged in felonious activity.
So, in laymans terms, its been two years since he was arrested and he hasn't been caught recently.
So the Sheriffs Deputy gets to drop his kids off to BM and her excon felonious husband.
I think if 2 years is enough for the courts to forgive Sale of Cocaine and Aggrevated Assault with a sawed off shotgun...
Six years is plenty for them to get over a DUI.
HRNYC, you seem to be
HRNYC, you seem to be forgetting that this SM has not been drinking and driving. These are two prior incidents from her 20s before she met and married DH. From what little the OP gave for all you know she's frickin' SMOTY now and president of the local PTO. For Pete's sake, the woman is not on trial here, you're not the judge and this lady has not been charged with anything. She also did not say 'I still drink', and/or 'just last week I was stupid enough to drink and drive again'.
There is not one speck of proof that OP has touched a drop of alcohol in over 6yrs. Nothing. Nada. Now if I were a BM who seriously thought my children were in danger of being driven by a drunk or being cared for by a drunk , I wouldn't pick up the phone and warn the drunk I was coming after her. I'd call my lawyer, file my motion for custody change and ram full force straight at the matter.
If this BM seriously believed she had a case and one that would hold weight in a a courtroom, she'd have already done it. Sure, she still might, but the burden of proof will be on BM and all she has is two old DUIs. Nothing current. Not even suspected until BM happened across one of those 'pay to view' record sites or whatever.
We don't live in the ages gone by were we allow witch hunts and burning at the stake. This lady came here and asked a generic question and the answer is 'no'. No, BM can't run to court and cease custody from her ex solely on the fact his current wife has two stale DUIs. She tries that and she'll likely find herself face to face with DH's lawyer with a file an inch thick documenting proof that OP has completed this, done that, this and this since then and if the court would like OP is quite willing to puff her breath into a tube upon request.
If you were a judge you'd be tossed off the bench for being a biased bitter old white wig wearing judge. Cripes sake, why stop there, maybe there's a speeding ticket from when OP was 18, a coast through a stop sign, a failure to wear a seatbelt from age 20 and a fail to yield right-of-way from age 23. Yes, drunk driving is a serious offense, and yes, two means OP didn't learn her lesson and take it serious enough the first time around but there is nothing to suggest OP is not now totally reformed and bordering on citizen of the year. OP does not have custody of these children and custody of these children can not be changed based on what this OP has stated.
OP has not stated she watches these child in place of her husband. She's not stated she drives these kids at any time nor is ever left in a care taking position...yet you're ready to ban her from these children's lives based on some BM's internet search and a idle threat. Threats are meaningless unless and until BM moves to back the threats up. In the meantime I will assume the father of these children is not dumb enough to endanger his children (especially considering he's been forewarned).
Thank you. I'm not looking
Thank you. I'm not looking for custody or even visitation. I just want my husband to have his son during the allotted time, that's all. Threatening custody is just the latest thing she has done. Our home loan almost fell through because she refused to sign a statement to the fact that child support has been paid as agreed, she has been poking around on facebook talking to my friends, she told my 9 y/o SS that she assumes I'm pregnant and that's why we got married, she went to a judge and got child support nearly doubled right as we were trying to get a home loan...the list goes on. I tried to schedule a meeting with her to talk about her concerns when I first met her, but her behavior escalated to the point where I really don't care what her concerns are anymore...because I don't believe she's actually concerned. She enjoys making my husband dance. She knows she has the key to making him squirm.
This is not about the child, not about me even, not about my past...this is about the fact that my husband found someone who makes him happy and is starting to live a normal, happy life. My husband says that she has always been difficult, but her behavior ramped up when she found out he was dating again.
BTW, she's been remarried for over a year.
Here is what I think. Worst
Here is what I think. Worst case you may not be able to drive the kids around. The custody is with their father- not you. If you aren't drunk around them and you are a positive role model there is no reason for custody to be an issue. After all, you are only the step mom
The thing is, the court can't
The thing is, the court can't require the information on sobriety. Literally, can not.
Alcoholism is a disease, aka a psychiatric disorder. The disease itself and effects are covered under HIPAA. The court can not require someone admit evidence regarding a medical condition UNLESS, the medical condition is the cause of the court case. It is damn near impossible to force ANYONE to submit psych records and addiction is considered a psych issue.
So if I sue a doctor for medical malpractice, yes I have to submit records to prove the malpractice. They still can not request my psych records as they are unrelated to the medical issue at hand.
That said, the court CAN say ok fine, we want proof of sobriety and have SM go pee in a cup right then right there: if she pees clean, done.
They will not require regular screenings as there is no PROOF that she is doing anything wrong.
And again, you would have to
And again, you would have to have PROOF that she is a negative influence on the child or that the child being around her is not in the best interests of the child.
Not an allegation.
Not a 'fear'.
Not a hypothesis.
Proof.
To change custody most courts require a 'significant change in circumstances'. SM having two DUI's six years ago is not a significant change in circumstance. That circumstance has existed for six years and has not been an issue. And has not led to proven endangerment, negligence or abuse of the child.
Court won't care.
This is why you are not a
This is why you are not a judge. Unless this BM is a complete fool who tries to take this to court unrepresented (which those odds are slim to none as she already made a call instead of filing)any lawyer she hires to try and do this motion is going to tell her exactly what others are saying here (well, besides you).
No one is arguing that a parent should have a drunk around their child. No one is saying a parent should allow a stepparent to drive their kid around if that parent has the slightly reason to even have a passing thought that the stepparent is drinking and/or will drink.
Are you being deliberately obtuse :? or did you not actually read the question asked by the OP? You're making up off the wall scenarios and running with what the court and judge would do. This thread is not a debate whether or not people should take drunk driving seriously or whether or not there is any reason OP is still drinking and poses a potential threat. Oh wait, I guess you're reading a different OP that gave much more information and specifics than this one who asked a generic question . Did you just prefer today to be a debate on children with drinking adults. If so, start a debate OT thread. But to save you time I can tell you right now no one here is going to say drinking while caring for a kid is ok nor that drunk driving or even slightly drinking and driving is ok.
I'm not trying to babysit the
I'm not trying to babysit the child or drive him around...just trying to get a feel for how my past would effect a custody situation.
In Alabama the judges do take
In Alabama the judges do take that seriously anwent so far as to court order stepmom to notbe alone with ss and not be allowed in Aa car at all with the ss. Some judges will take a hard line and yes I think any DUI is reason enough to not want this person around my kid let alone two. Six years is not a long time.
In Alabama the judges do take
In Alabama the judges do take that seriously anwent so far as to court order stepmom to notbe alone with ss and not be allowed in Aa car at all with the ss. Some judges will take a hard line and yes I think any DUI is reason enough to not want this person around my kid let alone two. Six years is not a long time.
Let me clarify that I am not
Let me clarify that I am not concerned about driving the child around or babysitting him. I am looking for answers on whether or not my past gives BM legal grounds to have my husband's custody restricted. I'm also not looking for judgement or opinions. I have taken responsibility for my actions and moved on from them...how am I able to move on and people who don't even know me are not?
I provide treatment record to the court.
Okay, I am answering your
Okay, I am answering your question as if you end up having the same judge that DW and her ex had.
The judge will put you on the stand and will ask you. "Do you have an alcohol ignition interlock device installed in your car?".
Based on the answer you give, the judge might place some stipulations on transportation arrangements of the step-children between the homes as part of the CO but he won't grant BM full custody
I wouldn't want you driving
I wouldn't want you driving my kids to be honest. You've been caught drinking and driving twice, but how many times did you do it and get away with it? For most, you're not going to get caught when you've done it one or two times.
There are SO's that help out
There are SO's that help out by driving the kids around to/from school or what have you. She may not be doing that now but it's a future possibility for most.
I did. She's talking about
I did. She's talking about custody agreements. I added, but it isn't showing, that I would want it specified in the CO that if the bioparent isn't able to watch their kid then the SO's shouldn't be watching over the kid. And it can absolutely be a factor in custody rulings, based on the above issue that I mentioned. They want to know who's going to be around the children.
As an OPP officer, and a parent, I would make sure it was brought up as a part of the custody/CO battles. Whatever rule they come up with will likely apply to both parents.
My husband's ex wife has had
My husband's ex wife has had 2 felony DUIs. To the point where she lost her license for a year, and when did get it back she had a breath ignition thing in her car. Those were most definitely used against her in court, regardless of how many years had past.
With that said, I doubt there is anything BM can legally do about your past. But if I were you, I would NEVER put myself in a position where BM could use ANYTHING against me. I would never drive the step-kids ever. I would probably never be alone with them either to alleviate any sort of accusations.
Personally, as a BM, I understand where she is coming from. There is no way I would have my son in a car with someone who has had one or more DUI convictions.