DH thinks SD6 feels like an outsider now...
So as most are aware, we have custody of my 6 year old SD who sees BM a few times a year but she lives a bit far away, so not often. She’s there currently for 1.5 months of the summer tho. DH and I had a baby 9 months ago (my only bio) so it’s often the 4 of us here.
DH is concerned SD feels like an outsider. She spends a lot of time in her room and gets fairly jealous of the baby. She’s taken to calling me mom. I’ll be honest, this makes me so uncomfortable despite being around for half her life.
I can understand where he’s coming from and I do think she feels like an outsider but I’m not sure how to address it. She almost puts herself in that position. She refuses to help out/clean her room, steals from our and the baby’s room, is generally filled with attitude.
I try to be pleasant with her and I do care for her but I’m definitely more bonded with my son. I’m not really sure what to do. Am I supposed to be the same with her as I am with the baby? How can I make her feel less like an outsider when she has behaviors that would never fly with my own?
For what it’s worth, we do discipline the bad behavior but it doesn’t seem to help. It’s like she knows she’s eventually gonna be back at BMs where the consequences will be nonexistent anyways.
What is she stealing from
What is she stealing from both your's and the baby's rooms? She lives with you and has her own things available to her 24/7. There shouldn't be a thing she needs (or really wants) in either of the other bedrooms for her to take to going in and stealing it. You provide all the needs and lots of wants.... or is it that she is sneaking and hiding things to be ornery ?
It's natural , to some extent, for an older child to feel misplaced when they have been use to being the only child. Your SD is still pretty young herself, and she just got a big competition for Dad and your's attention and time. Now that baby is getting out of infant stage and more into a little person stage , it's a whole new adjustment again. Baby should be crawling and scooting around, sitting up with simple toys and basically starting to do lots of 'first'. Soon, if not already baby will be trying to pull up on the sofa to stand and start attempting those first few real steps.
All very fun and exciting time for Mom and Dad. Lots of oohs and aahs , along with excitedly telling a missing parent (off at work, example, when 'event' happened) all about what cool new thing baby did.
The kiddo feels left out. But you aren't 'doing' anything wrong. You are doing what all Moms do. SD's little nose is just out of joint. And yes, she knows it's different for you than when she was smaller because she sees you bonding with baby in a special way you have never bonded/felt with her. And that's not to knock you. I know you've been really good with SD and that she has a good home with caring loving people. But she knows the difference. Its not your fault, or Dad's or even baby's. It's not even her fault. It just is.
The calling you "Mom" thing? That one will be harder to decide what to do with. She is going to hear you refer to yourself as Mommy when talking to baby, She is hearing Dad refer to you as Mommy when talking to baby and of course baby will be calling you some form of Mommy. I'm sure you don't want baby to learn to call you by your first name, you'll want SD to say something like 'go to Mommy' , ' ask Mommy' et. So you need to decide if SD calls you Mommy solely when speaking to baby and about baby and addresses you as ________ (first name) when speaking directly to you, or exactly what and how you want that to go. Sd knows you are not her mother.
It’s very frustrating. She
It’s very frustrating. She steals small insignificant things she thinks won’t be noticed - a small felt toy, a pacifier, etc. from his room. It drives me nuts. She has TONS of things of her own so I suspect it’s to feel like she’s pulling one over on me and the baby.
He actually has far less toys and such because I’m trying to maintain a minimalistic approach with him. I’ve explained this to her and asked why she’s stealing when she has way more toys than him and it’s always the same “I don’t know”
I do feel for her, I know she’s feeling left out. But like you said... it’s nothing anyone’s done wrong it’s just how it goes. I’m his mother. Our bond is intense and incredible. I can’t and won’t change or hide my love for him.
Counseling and Empathy
SD is only 6, and even full siblings often act out when a new baby is on the scene. She feels displaced. Her calling you mom may not be all manipulation. You are her mother in every way except biologically. Maybe set aside time just to be with her while you and DH alternate watching baby. She’s angry but also grieving the loss of her mom full-time and her position as the sole child in your lives. I would punish less and love and comfort more. A trashed room is a sign of pain. Stealing small things is a way children grieve, or show anger for hurt feelings or suffered abuse.
Definitely get her counseling, the school may offer it. Also, something that helped my daughter at 4-5 was making a poster of her, and marking all of her good qualities on it. My ExH was abusive, and that and the divorce were very hard on my DD’s, 20, 8, & 6. She is almost a baby, too. I know it may be hard, but more compassion and empathy now will help her and your family in the future.
Sooooo....
He brought it up, did he have any suggestions or anything? Is he thinking y'all should act different (i.e. not be as excited about baby), or...?
Changes to family dynamics happen in intact families also and the kids adjust fine... skid coddling is not needed and not healthy, imho. Hopefully he won't go about making her feel "more important" so she doesn't "feel bad".
He just brought it up as
He just brought it up as potentially why she’s been behaving badly, which I agree with. He doesn’t expect me to do anything differently and he’s on board to get her in therapy. He knows I’m just doing what moms do and fortunately he’s not one to treat her like a COD.
hes basically said before that she got the crappy end of the situation having an absent mother and all but he doesn’t want her thinking it’s any reason to be entitled/lazy or anything so he’s fully onboard with treating her normally, not extra special or careful like a snowflake lol
Whew!
I am happy for you to hear that! If it was any other way it would be dreadful!
Hopefully he follows through with some action to, hopefully, correct the behavior.
Why not take SD to a
Why not take SD to a therapist and let her talk out her emotions?
She is 6. Your and DH's approaches aren't working. Her behavior is getting worse. You two are in over your head on how to handle her, so it's time to seek professional help. That's not a knock on you; that's just reality.
I don't know what her relationship is like with BM, but if BM does nothing but placate to keep SD out of her hair, and all she feels like you do is punish, she may feel like no one actually cares about her and how she feels. She probably steals from the baby hoping the baby feels the same pain she does.
Look at it from her viewpoint. She rarely gets to see her real mom, and her step mom has made it clear that there is a big difference between how she treats her and her brother. She probably feels like she is losing Dad, too, because he is spending so much time with the new baby. Plus, new baby isn't old enough to get in trouble, so that probably has her bothered.
In intact families when new kids come along, both parents are available to split time between new and old kids. In a step family, the step kid only has one parent in thrle house who is having to split time between new kid and old kid. I think as SPs, we expect our spouses to give us the "new and only baby experience" despite the fact that our partner has another kid. We don't get to have that experience without sacrificing our stepkid's time with their parent.
Your DH will miss firsts because he has to work and he has another child. Your DH will spend less time with you and your baby than you'd ideally want because he has SD - and has her full-time. No, you shouldn't coddle SD, but you can't expect "first-time mom" levels of attention from your DH, either. SD is screaming, in her own way, for positive attention from her dad while also mourning that she doesn't have a mother like her brother does.
Basically, I think you're trying to find a rational explanation to an emotional response. Your SD is unhappy and doesnt know how to express that. You and DH don't know how to support her and make her feel better about the situation. You disengaging makes it worse, but that's because your DH isn't filling in with engagement where you're pulling away. Your SD feels like none of her parents are in her corner, and she is jealous that her brother gets all the attention and never gets in trouble.
Get her counselling and get some parenting classes that will help you handle this versus letting SD continue on her self-destructive path.
We do plan on getting her in
We do plan on getting her in therapy, mostly because she has an absent BM and that’s bound to cause insecurity and such, not because she has a sibling. But you are correct, BM tends to pass her off onto others even when she has her, despite seeing her for maybe 20% of the year. I’m certain she’s hurting and I feel for her but I probably do have a bit of resentment.
When my baby was literally on what they thought was his death bed, she was whining about being bored at the hospital and wanting to go home. When we eventually got released, she wouldn’t listen to me when I asked her not to touch him and his things while sick. The doctors told us to be very careful he doesn’t catch bugs while still weak with a low immune system from the antibiotics. This was explained to her but she kept doing everything she could to pass germs.
When he inevitably got her sickness she smiled and said “well I guess the baby’s sick. I’m glad it’s not daddy!”
I was the one left up all night scared to death he’d stop breathing yet she was satisfied with herself. When he had to get vaccines, she’d get excited to watch and SAY she’s excited. When told it’s gonna hurt him, again, she’d just smile. I could go on and on.
I try really hard to be kind and loving. I try to avoid resentment. Sometimes it’s hard. It leaves me wondering if I’m being unfair staying in her life when I can’t bring myself to love her like a mother would.
Okay, THOSE kind of behaviors
Okay, THOSE kind of behaviors are certainly things that need to be evaluated by a therapist. That's far past the "she steals his toys", which is more of a sign of jealousy/sibling rivalry than flat-out harm-inducing behavior.
Get her help NOW and make sure you include that behavior at intake.
Seriously? It's that serious?
Seriously? It's that serious?
Jealousy can make you say/act that way, can it not? Now you guys have me worried something more serious is up. Don't get me wrong, I don't leave her alone with the baby just in case...
yeah no it IS that serious
It's absolutely, positively, 100% THAT serious. Get her help NOW. If it turns out we're wrong then the help will just smooth the adjustment period over. I have a full bio brother who is 8 years younger than I am. It was a TOUGH adjustment. There was some bad stuff going on in the home as well. I knew my life had gone well down hill since my brother was born and so OF COURSE I blamed him - and it was "his" fault in that his birth was the catalyst for a lot of other cracks and strains in our family coming to the surface.
I wouldn't be that worried about her being bored in the hospital - that does sound age appropriate - obviously the wrong thing. But she's 6 and not surprising. Hospital waiting rooms aren't the place for 6 yr olds. But sometimes you can't do anything but bring them along.
But the potential joy from someone else's misery? No. Not ok. And it may be how she's wired or it may be a relic of being unloved by her mother that can be worked on. This girl may be your son's best and biggest ally in future years - as my brother and I are these many years later - but you need to give her the best possible foundation to make that possible.
It's a stepping stone. A lot
It's a stepping stone. A lot of times it starts out small and unless it's nipped in the bud it escalates.
It is hard to love someone that is unloveable
Good on you for trying, I’d have cut my losses way back if SD was enjoying making my already sick baby more sickly. You’re a better woman than me.
I'm not sure this is the case
I'm not sure this is the case, "Her step mom has made it clear that there is a big difference between how she treats her and her brother." Babies always get more attention than older children, and this happens even in intact families.
I don't think the SM has necessarily been that biased. But, I admit, that is the way SD and pretty much everyone else is going to be looking at it--a baby cries and needs to be fed, so mom, of course, has to drop everything to do so. Six YO SD throw a fit and wants something and SM gets irritated and doesn't drop everything to address it = SM is being biased towards her own child. Look at the ages of these children, for God's sake. I only say this because my own mother had a SM. She is 86 YO, and she still goes on and on about how SM "favored" her own chilren. I tell my own mom, "Hey look. Your SM had to take care of six SKs, and then her own came along. They were babies, mom! Babies! They needed more attention!!"
But, no one ever sees that much. They'll just look at it as the six YO is maybe being left in the dust. Don't get me wrong, I wholeheartedly feel for the six YO too. But, if she has an absentee mother and her father keeps his head in the sand, it is not SM's responsibility to smooth things over for everyone, and that is what I am glimpsing is some people's thoughts here. That ol', SM is supposed to have all of this responsibility without any authority. Yes, SM should try to do the best she can with her step-child, and maybe her step-child does need therapy; however, SM as also a BM has every right to be concerned for her own child as well, and babies and six YOs are not on equal footing, by any means, even in intact families. Like I've said before, BMs are almost always rewarded for their maternal behavior; SMs rarely are. And, apparently SMs aren't rewarded by society for maternal behavior even when it comes to their own bio-children.
Even in nuclear families an
Even in nuclear families an older sibling will often act out, try talking in baby voice, revert to "mommy" and "daddy" instead of mom and dad...etc. when a new baby is born. Some even begin wetting the bed again or playing with old toys, wanting a pacifier...the list goes on.
I always adored my younger siblings, but I do remember complaining to my mom at one point that she was giving all her time and attention to the baby. So at lunch she got out baby food for my sister and me (I was 7 at the time) and told me to climb into the high chair so she could feed me. I refused of course...then she picked me up and told me she was putting me in the sink for my bath before she put me into my crib for my nap...etc. I got the idea really quickly. Laughed...told her she didn't need to treat me like a baby.
Your SD is likely having normal feelings of jealousy and insecurity compounded by the fact that you're not her bio-mom. I'd just tell her...babies need more time and attention than big girls. She's not an outsider...she's just older.
Sunshine, I think you need to
Sunshine, I think you need to ask your DH what he plans on doing about his daughter's feelings. He told you this because, I think, he is like these others who expect YOU to "fix it."
You have to keep the pressure on HIM to reassure SD. Dad needs to come to grip with the reality that he can't replace her mom with his wife and that if his daughter is struggling to find her place in the family HE chose, HE needs to help her.
How about SD be enrolled in
How about SD be enrolled in some activity several times a week that wears her out, then she won't have energy to destroy her room. She'll be too tired to pout and create drama. My bio kids were enrolled in sports from a young age so they would sleep good at night and channel their energy into something other than fighting each other. #3 son was extremely jealous of #2, he would try to push him off my lap and was always jealous if I showed him affection. Pee wee soccer 3x a week cured #3 son of his brattiness.
I have no idea what will work for SD but it sounds like she needs something outside of the home that she can excel at, something that is all about her and not the new baby. There are many activities/classes where she can be dropped off while the parent is running errands. Also consider after school care where she can get help with homework, etc and you can have peaceful time with baby.
You and your DH need to get
You and your DH need to get on the same page... He needs to enforce behaviors that are better for the good of everyone...
However remember that since she's with you full time, she's not your child, but she is a memeber of the household. So while I don't nthink she needs to go out with you and your son. Maybe include her in the occasional thing IF she behaves?
She's 6, she's only going to bottle herself up if your DH allows it.
Well, DH and I had a HUGE
Well, DH and I had a HUGE talk. We were on a long car ride and I ended up blowing up a bit - citing all of the behaviors I've mentioned here, the failing in school, the scary comments/behavior about her brother, the unacceptable stealing, lying, and messy room. He says he's well aware her behavior is bad and that's why she wounds up not getting many privileges anymore. He doesn't know how to handle it so that's all he's done. He agrees she needs therapy but got a bit upset at the implication that something's wrong with her.
He tried to say she's acting out because 1) her mom abandoned her and 2) I'm always indifferent to her. That got us into a deeper discussion where I explained that after the baby was born, her opposition/defiance and general lack of empathy pissed me off enough that I just shut her out and haven't stopped shutting her out since. I didn't have time for it with a sick newborn. He says he understands and it's a natural human response but he thinks it makes her acting out a bit worse. He says he's felt "in the middle" of a cycle for a long time - me being indifferent and her acting out for attention.
He's agreed to get her in therapy, talk to her teachers, and get her into some sort of activity, most likely martial arts, so she can learn some discipline and have some of the spotlight sometimes. I agreed that I could pay more attention and be more positive with her. We are trying to make our family work as much as possible. He knows I can't fix what her mom's done and he's well aware but he wants her to at least have a working relationship with her stepmom, which I can't blame him for. It's an understandable want.
We'll see where things go from here once she gets back from her BMs.
Thank you all so much for the feedback!