DH is really worried about, SD coming back eventually... I'm not
DH has this idea that we need to be 1 family unit.I don't have this skewed thinking... DH wants my daughters to let "water under the bridge" with SD. He thinks that everyone just needs to let SD come back as if nothing has happened and just go with it. Sorry, it's been this way for 10 years, I think everone is tired of it. I probably would have gone and left years ago if it weren't the fact that my daughters see DH as a father. SD is enough to make me through my love for DH out the window, and I love him a lot.
SD has NEVER in her life had to face natural consequences. Everyone has been conditioned to just forgive her, with out her ever having to apologize. Everyone, just pretends like nothing has happened... her outburts and insane way of thinking has always has jujst been overlooked. Her stealing from the school, BM and her much younger brother, BM just covers it all up, and pretends that it's never happened... DH does the same... SD just blames any follout of a friendship on the other person, and everyone just goes with it...
I just don't get it... THIS boggles my mind... I tell DH things about what I see, and he acts like it's out of his control, that BM and SD are this unbreakable unit, that THEY hold all the power.... and we should just along with it.... I'm like, *shok* He used to blow up and be angree, but then we all had a sit down talk, DH started seeing a counselor, and is taking medicine, but now it's just like he doesn't care? doesn't know what to do? doesn't want to admit it? I don't know, and It confuses me, concerns me, shocks me? I don't know... I mean I GET the fact that SD is 16yo, this is just going to be her personality, but I am not going to FORCE my daughters to forgive someone who's #1 not looking for forgiveness, #2 isn't going to change, #3 blames everything that happens on them. I am DONE stepping on egg shells in my home. and I am not going to worry about SD "not coming back" because her feelings are hurt. DH may be sad when she pulls these stunts, but you know what, when she's not here, life is freaking peaceful with her gone.
So anyways, I had to share my thoughts with people that get it. I try to share with my family, but they just don't get it. my sister thinks I am just mean. My parents see SDs true evil side, but doesn't get the complexities of it all. And when I explain it... they just don't get it. So thank you for letting me vent, if you have thought on it or advice please share. I 'd appreciate it.
My DH is like this, too
My DH is 84 and still vainly hopes everyone will forgive and forget everything SD59 has done. She has burned every bridge with her lying, stealing, manipulation, drug use and other evil acts. He is actually lucky because our family handles it by not discussing her but if they did, he would deny everything and turn on the accuser.
I can only put it down to parental love. I disengaged from her years ago for my own protection. She comes over about once a week to help him with yardwork, I'm polite and civil but that's it. I see her trying to extend olive branches, whatever. But she'd never admit or apologize for everything she's stolen or lied about.
I see that your SD is 16. My SD59 was like that at her age, too, so I doubt you'll see much change. All her siblings know to stow their valuables and medicine when she's there, to not believe anything she says and to not take her calls ( altho soft-hearted OSS still does sometimes). It sounds brutal but people are doing what they must and they've all come to those conclusions on their own.
The only one who still is there for her is DH. He finds the tiniest things to admire about her (" She keeps her car so clean!"). It's sad but he is so grateful when I say something positive about her (" She meant well"). Sigh.....
I couldn't IMAGINE SD heloing
I couldn't IMAGINE SD heloing DH with ANYTHING, her only thing she talks about with DH is how much money she can get, "DH, school's coming up, how much money are we allowed to spend? (DH pays $500 a month in child support for school supplies, clothes, ANYTHING SD could EVER want, but she still asks about money), DH, when am I getting my car (she hasn't even finished online classes for drivers permit), DH, how much money can we spend on my birthday? Then she comes out and talks CRAP about DH to me, I just remind her that he pays ALOT in child support, and right now, he's not even making enough to COVER child support, which means I am helping pay child support.(he owns his own audio/visual company, where business rent equipment to hold meetings and people rent equipment to have parties... but right now, because of covid not many companies are having face to face meetings, people aren't having as many parties, and he STILL has to pay storage company to STORE the equipment, he still has to pay the company insurance, cell phone, website, etc.... so when it comes down to it, hes, doing side hustles and I am working to keep the bills paid, along with child support... and SD is begging for cash... she could care less about DH and his well being... I doubt she'd do anything to help DH EVER in her life.
Money
I was sugar-coating our situation. Its the same as your SD. DH overpays SD59 for her "work", and also uses her coming over as justification for all the financial help he gives her. We subsidize her living expenses and hes on call for her financial emergencies. She is a bottomless money pit, its why we separated our finances. If he wasnt doling out the $, she wouldnt be here "helping" him.
ooooh I thought she was just
ooooh I thought she was just doing it to help him out
yea, that sounds EXACTLY like a motive of SD! "let me come pick weeds for you! *picks 3 weeds, spends 1hr taking selfies in the garden, DH hands her $100 for her time* yep, sounds like something SD would do. but then, since she "spends sooooo much time helping DH" she can't hold down a job, it's "not because she's lazy" *eye roll*, "her boss just doesn't understand" she has "eNdOmEtRiOsIs" that they couldn't find any evidence of, but I am sure they can find it at BM's office (shes a nurse in a DR's office) and "tHyRoId IsSuEs" (that only show up on Xrays at BM's office, and no where else...? ) SO how could SD EVERRRRR be expected to work normally, AAAAND take care of DH.... but hey, could she have an additional $100, because her car note is due... and she has to pay her uber driver, bcause she still doesn't know how to drive .....
This is just how I imagine life to be in another 10 years... this isn't an actual scenario (but the stuff about her thyroid and endometriosis is real... well according to BM, but no other DR has seen any evidence of it on MRI's ultrasounds, Xrays, or labwork)
Oh, yeah
Sounds just like my SD59. If your stomach can stand it, read thru my blogs to see what your future will be.
I'm laughing about your description of poor SD "helping DH so much!" A week ago, my DH broke his shoulder and 2 ribs. He's doing better but at 84, it's been a jolt. SD59 was here last week, mowed and went home. To my knowledge, that's been her only contact with DH until yesterday when he called to arrange the mowing again. In the meantime, I got a text from her that she had sent to me mistakenly, she thought she was sending it to a friend. She went on at length about DH's injuries, the crushing burden it has put on her, etc etc. Lol.
EXACTLY! OMG, I swear my your
EXACTLY! OMG, I swear my your SD sounds JUST like what my SD is going to turn out to be. She turns everything around, spins these stories, and makes herself look like a saint... DH actually has a bone disease, is going to be having surgery, BM and SD act like DH is LYING about this bone disease and he just broke his hip once 20 years ago, and is MILKING it to get sympathy... lol the DOCTOR looked at his Xray in astonishment that he is even walking right now... but no, if DH asks for SD to go get him something like a glass of water, she complains, asks someone else to do it, and then complains that DH even bothered to ask her lol.
Being an enabler, which is
Being an enabler, which is what your DH is, is not what I would call parental love - I see it as a fundamental flaw/weakness and the number one reason why so many blended families don't work.
All you can do is continue to
All you can do is continue to set the boundary with him that he is fully capable of having a relationship with his daughter independent of you and your daughters. He doesn't have to like it, but he needs to learn to accept it.
thats what I am trying to do,
thats what I am trying to do, really. I am trying to paint a picture of what things will be like in his head, showing him it wouldn't be so bad. He can pick her up, they can go hang out, have lunch, talk, take her home... It'd probably be more connecting than her moping in her room all day and DH being at the house working all day, trying to make enough for child support, not really being available to her all day, and she relies on everyone else for her entertainment, or she mopes in her room, when he's not working, she's looking for him to ask how much money she can have.
He wants everyone to pretend nothing happened with
Sd's atrocious behaviour because he refuses to parent or discipline her with firm boundaries as he doesn't want the aftermath drama. So no!! He can't pretend everything didn't happen because he is telling you all to suck it up the disrespect and rudenss/appalling behaviour.
that is not respecting you or your kids one bit!!
Accepting is just abuse
I have a 29 yr old brother who is the epitomy of your description. You are doing the right thing by not backing down and just accepting.
It's soul crushing as a sibling and daughter. My brother has picked up a hobby of racing. He 'owns' 3 cars, has 2 drivers.. he very clearly is being used by his 2 drivers for driving and not having any expenses and collecting a race check at the end, who wouldn't.. entertainment that you get paid for. Hell of a deal. But my parents and him are so emeshed in their idea of their fuckery that no ones bats an eye.
One guy blew out a motor 2 weeks ago.. not only did my mom go and get a new one but she paid for it as well.. happy racing.. until he blew it out again. but not problem they will just get it fixed.
Out of the 3 cars and drivers.. the track keeps finding excuses to disqualify and ban him for periods of time because they don't want him around there neither. They don't even care if he puts someone else in "his" car to race as long as he is not. Why can't any of them see this? It's embarassing.
That is the latest fiasco. This past weekend I got into a VERY heated discussion with my dad. We were having a gathering at my house with some neighbors and friends and my dad drove by and decided to stop, no big deal. I live in a small rural town where every one knows everyone and you won't find too many people who have a second of a time of day for my brother. My dad starts carrying on about this racing and how well he is doing yatta yatta. I spoke up.. hard to hear is a complete understatement. In turn my dad freaked out on me and said he was sick and tired of how I viewed and spoke of my brother and he is my brother and he (my dad) was about done with me.
I said nah dad, don't worry about it. Not only am I done with him. I'm done with you and mom as well. You have debilitated that kid (who also has 4 kids of his own while living at home - 2 in which he has custody of because he has backed moms so far into a corner.. to a point in which he should be jailed for in my opinion - and he has but my parents have bailed him out countless times - his record is a mile long) so much to the fact that you guys just live in a fake fucked up little world and I no longer can be a part of it. Your sucking the life out of me and it's just plain hurtful.
Both of my parents will say he is a horrible dad, they feel obligated to his kids as they are the ones who cloth/bath/feed/ALL tasks pertaining to a child. Me and my mothers latest discussion was she doesn't want them to suffer that is why she and my father do what they do and I said than let them go back to their moms!!! who have other kids and spouses themselves.. I said could you imagine being so taunted and terrorized by some douche bag that you just give up your kid for because you know that his parents will fight for his every move. She in turn flipped the conversation that I said x,y,z and she just listened. And he's a doing a great job. W.T.F.!?!?!?
I have a large 2.5 stall garage in which he was storing some of his things so he could make room for those god awful cars and Sunday morning he came with a trailer to pick up his belongings. C'YAAAA!!!
He can pretend like it never
He can pretend like it never happened but you and your daughter don't have to. It really is ridiculous that he's expecting you to suck it up and just accept her horrible behavior. And it is so frustrating that he is playing dumb as if he can pretend that it didn't happen and you guys are the ones who are being unreasonable for not playing along.
People suggest counseling for every little problem but I think you guys would really benefit from it. It might help to have a neutral third party explain the situation to him.
Yep, what so many people go
Yep, what so many people go to counseling for these days is just being crappy parents or having been raised by crappy parents.
Behavior is not something that generally requires counseling, it requires clear standards and applied consequences for choosing not to perform to standard. A parents role is set and enforce those standards. PERIOD!
Simple, repeatable, no muss, no fuss, no ring around the collar.
Perform and live a reasonable life, choose not to comply and live an escalating state of misery.
Consequences
Madam...Your situation and that of many others on this site, is a direct consequence of low/no expectations of their children. Many bio-parents thinking they are being loving by not setting standards when in fact, they are creating spoiled, entitled brats. It is too bad your DH cannot see this or just chooses to ignore it. Perhaps counselling might help, but many parents are afraid of losing their kids if they deliver consequences for bad behaviour. Good luck.
People seem to think we have
People seem to think we have a "reset" button like on a router. They forget you are a person with feelings.
Your DH sounds like an
Your DH sounds like an enabler and a weak parent, which I imagine isn't going to change, so the only thing you can control is how you react to it. DH's behaviouur is disresepctful to you and your daughters and you need to tell him this. Communicate clear boundaries and expectations to your DH ie what you will and won't tolerate and that you and your daughters are under no obligation to have any sort of relationship with SD. What DH decides to do is up to him.
Yes, I agree. And whats sad
Yes, I agree. And whats sad is that he learned this behavior, and thinks this is NORMAL parenting because that's how his only parent acted and "parented" him and his brother, excusing any and ALL behavior. IF his brother DIDN'T r*pe someone and had it "taken care of" I'd be surprised.
But I agree, I think when SD gets around to ACTUALLY coming over, we will have a big "family meeting" and it will be clear and concise rules. And will let EVERYONE know that we will NOT allow this behavior to effect us, and that if she continues, it will be on DH, that me and my daughters will not endure continue to effect us, and that none of us have no obligation to have a relationship with SD.
the problem right now is that she thinks we all BELIEVE this lie, DH refuses to talk to her about anything that happened, which just supports the idea of DH being an enabler to her behavior.