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In desparate need of advice: memorial with an ex

alloush's picture

Submitted by alloush on Sat, 02/20/2016 - 12:05am

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To anyone who has been through this,

I am at a complete loss of reason. My fiancé just lost his mother. She passed away 3 weeks ago and today is her memorial. I was with him when she died. But I had to leave after 5 days to go back to my job. I feel horrible for not being able to be with him today. I am half away across the planet too. But worst than this is that his ex is going to attend. I know that she had no contact with his mother for 3 years now. His mother would not have agreed to have her there because she took it very personally when his ex abandoned her kid and my fiancé. I also know that my fiancé cannot think right at this moment. He is unable to decide on anything. So I told him yesterday in a fit of impulsiveness to ask her not to attend. I regret it because I know she will want to pay her condolences. But then he doesn't even tell me whether she is staying over for lunch too or just coming to the memorial. I don't understand anything anymore. He hasn't replied to my message and honestly he has been in a depression lately (started many months before his mother passed away). I am in the darkness with him now. His sister doesn't respond to any condolence messages I send her. Truth is that his entire family ishave been very clan-like. The day his mother was at the hospital, I wanted to go and help him at the hospital and see her, but he told me his mother refuses to see me. I was hurt but respected a dying mothers wish until she lost consciousness and then went and wished her a peaceful afterlife. How can I fall with all of this without losing it? What is the right thing to do?

irishgirl0727's picture

Submitted by irishgirl0727 on Sat, 02/20/2016 - 6:56am

Ditto

HR By Profession's picture

Submitted by HR By Profession on Tue, 04/05/2016 - 12:29pm

Agreed!

HappilySelfish679's picture

Submitted by HappilySelfish679 on Sat, 02/20/2016 - 7:33am

How selfish ! While grieving for his mother , he has to also deal with an erratic GF texting , probably over and over . He most likely turned his phone off ( I would )

Let this go .

2Tired4Drama's picture

Submitted by 2Tired4Drama on Sat, 02/20/2016 - 7:35am

I agree with Echo and quite frankly, am really a bit appalled by your behavior.

You said, "The day his mother was at the hospital, I wanted to go and help him at the hospital and see her, but he told me his mother refuses to see me. I was hurt but respected a dying mothers wish until she lost consciousness and then went and wished her a peaceful afterlife."

You WAAAAY overstepped your bounds. If this dying woman said she didn't want you there, that was the END of the discussion. You shouldn't have gone in even when she had "lost consciousness." Many times, the dying still can hear what's going on around them even if they are not visually focused. Shame on you if this dying woman was aware you came to see her if she asked that you NOT be there.

You are darn right that families are clan-right, especially during periods of death. You are not part of the family, so stop pushing it. If I were his sister I would ignore you too. The death of a mother is particularly hard to deal with for most people.

Death has a way of opening people's eyes to realizing what the most important things, and people, in life are. In this case, you've shown your true colors and are pestering them to pay attention to YOUR NEEDS (affirmation that you are loved, important, included, etc.) during one of the lowest times of their lives.

His ex may or may not show up for the service, lunch or other activities related to the memorial and it's not your business. In fact, she may behave better than you have been - since she seems to have kept a respectful distance and may be acting with mature decorum. The whole family may recognize that difference and compare it to your attempts to insert your own feelings want wants.

I agree that you are very self-centered in this regard and acting very immaturely. Your fiance may view you very differently after all this and don't be surprised if he distances himself and maybe breaks it off with you.

furkidsforme's picture

Submitted by furkidsforme on Sat, 02/20/2016 - 7:36am

My Dad just died Jan 3. There is so much to do, and so little time. It's all a blur. I don't even REMEMBER who was at the memorial. Yeah, I shook a lot of hands and got a lot of hugs and said a lot of "thank you for your kind words".

Who cares if the Pope shows up? It doesn't matter. Let it go.

What's the worst that could happen? He could be polite to her? Geez.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Submitted by 2Tired4Drama on Sat, 02/20/2016 - 9:02am

Right!! If I were OP, I'd be worried about my own passing. Maybe this woman will be waiting for her on the other side and give her a bit of an education about selfishness, respect, peace and dignity before she gets to pass through. }:)

robin333's picture

Submitted by robin333 on Sat, 02/20/2016 - 8:55am

Dying is a very intimate time. Everyone deserves to have their wishes respected. Here's a viewpoint to consider:

When you have had the flu or really intense GI bug, do you want me or anyone else to see you when you are that sick? I know I don't want even my family to see me. Are you getting the picture?

I think it was selfish to visit that lady and to ask your fiance to tell his ex not to attend the memorial. His mom has died, she is DEAD. This isn't about you. Your fiance is hurting and needs support not demands. Who cares if the ex goes? Why is it OK for you to violate that lady's privacy but the ex can't go to pay her respect?

2Tired4Drama's picture

Submitted by 2Tired4Drama on Sat, 02/20/2016 - 9:06am

The more I think about this, the angrier it makes me. If you read OP's bio, it states she is engaged to an American man with a 7 year old who has Asberger's.

Using that as context, can you imagine the fiance's burdens right now? His dear mother is/has passing, he has a 7 year old who he will most undoubtedly have challenges with dealing with the grief, etc.

I was also appalled to learn OP is 38 years old! I was thinking this was coming from a much, much younger and immature person.

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Sat, 02/20/2016 - 8:38pm

Agree with all of the above. Please step back and let him grieve. Be there to support him but don't intrude. The mother may have been in great pain and did not want to see you and several other people, it was likely not personal. My father was on morphine for cancer related pain before he died. He had bouts where he did not want to "entertain" visitors.

The ex may want to go to pay her respects and make peace with how their relationship ended. Memorials are touchy, emotional and about the deceased.

Do your job, support your fiance and let it go...

jumanji's picture

Submitted by jumanji on Sun, 02/21/2016 - 8:19am

How old is the child? Perhaps s/he needs someone to help them who is not consumed by their own grief. The child is also grieving. Makes sense that it would be the other parent.

SecondGeneration's picture

Submitted by SecondGeneration on Sun, 02/21/2016 - 12:07pm

I read your post a few times to try to get to the underlying issue. Correct me if I am wrong but all Im seeing is insecurity and jealousy. You are insecure about the fact his ex may (or may not) attend the memorial? You are concerned because you are on the other side of the world for work and because he has been suffering with depression prior to the loss of his mother and now with grief ontop hes "unable to make a decision"

What exactly do you think is going to happen? That the ex is going to use it to cozy up to him? Even if she does the guys just lost his mother, hes probably not thinking of sex right now. Most people arent able to attend the memorial of a close family member, much less their mother, and then go have kinky sex.

Im sorry but this really isnt about you. He just lost his mother, your role is to support him and clearly that isnt THAT important to you since you left before the memorial service to return to work. Now I dont know what work you do but the MAJORITY of employers are able to give flexibility upon the event of family deaths, ok you guys are only engaged but still. I wouldnt be jetting off and leaving my fiance in his moment of need. (But I admit, thats because in my line of work I can do that, my jobs not THAT important)

Back off from the other family members and just try to support your fiance. You wonder why hes not answering you now? He doesnt have the energy to deal with you, your being too demanding right now. Its easier to support someone when their grieving when your actually with them, because generally they dont want to talk. Just having you nearby is what they need.