Dealing with a bi-polar ex-wife
I have been dating a 48 year old man for about 5 months. He has been divorced since 2004 and they share a joint conservatorship of their 3 year old son. Since I have been dating him, I realize how much control she has over him and how much he has allowed this control. In many respects, he is responsible for her inappropriate behavior, as I believe he has enabled it. It has been brought to my attention that although they are legally divorced, they are still very much apart of each others lives. They have been in communication every day, all day, and night. He tells her his comings and his goings, he spends the holiday's with her, he goes on family outtings with her and their 3 year old son. He tells me he did this to see his son more as he feels guilty he can't be with his son all of the time.
As we began to date, he stopped spending much time with her. Needless to say, she did not like it and was going to do something about it. I had no idea they had the relationship they had. He just told me he has an ex-wife. She had no idea he was dating me. I had no idea he never told her about me as he had told me she knew.
When she found out we were seeing each other, she started making threats about calling CPS and claiming I'm an unfit mother. She even went so far as to tell the man i'm dating, if he did not stop seeing me, he would pay people to confirm her false allegations about me being an unfit mother. She threatened to attack me if he did not stop seeinge. Since, she has left notes on my front door, has harrassed me at work, ran a background check on me, pulled my divorce decree from the court house, has threatened to kill my dauther and me, has knocked on my door demanding for the man i'm dating to come out, she is relentless. She has even mentioned to me that they are still intimate with each other. He of course denies this allegation.
The man I'm dating tells me he appeases her because she is bi-polar. He tells me that he has to keep her calm and happy. He has broken up with me on many occassions to "keep me safe" so he claims, because he loves me too much. She controls his life, tells him what to do, when to do it, how to do it and he does it. Still doing it. He gets so upset when he gets caught by her being with me. He starts having anxiety attacks and starts thinking how she is going to react and then pulls away from me for days until she calms down, and I assume works things out with her again where she is happy.
I don't what to be the truth. I don't know if I should stay with him. I love him and want to be with him, but it is so much drama. We have had to stay in hotels before as she has waited outside our apartments all evening threatenting to kill us if she saw us. I have made several harrassment charges on her. But she just won't allow us to date. She does not want him to be with anyone.
Any advise.
Thanks for allowing me to share this story with you.
hmm...much easier said than
hmm...much easier said than done but I'd run like the dickens. She is a danger to you. Get out of harms way.
If its true love he'll get his situation under control and come back to you. If it isn't its good you got out early.
I deal with a similar ex
I deal with a similar ex although she has not gone to some of those extremes. Unfortunately it is him who will have to make the decision whether or not he wants to continue enabling her and risk losing you OR step up and do what is right for his son and his own happiness. If he is having anxiety attacks over this it does not take a physician to see it is unhealthy. That is all easier said than done for the bio parent. My husband says the same thing about his ex. He is just trying to "keep the peace". I sympathize.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your kind words. Last night was another crisis. He came over after arriving home from Dallas. She could not get a hold of him on the phone, so she came knocking on my door at 4:30 a.m. screaming to have my boy friend come outside. He was scared. He thought she had a gun with her. She was banging on the door, yelling for him to come out. I looked through the peep hole and noticed she did not have anything in her hands so opened up the door. She demanded for my boyfriend to put on his clothes (he was fully clothed) come outside as they were going to the hospital. She was claiming their 3 year old was running a high fever and she was trying to get a hold of him so that they could take him to the hospital. She pointed her finger at me and yelled for me to stay away from her "husband" they are legally divorced. My boyfriend ran out of my place and she began to call him a liar. She began to tell him that she was going to file a restraining order to keep me away from her son. I could hear them yelling in the hallway. Later he told me, she had him in the car the entire time she was banging on my door and yelling at him. He felt his head and body and confirmed he was just a little hot, but not at all running the high fever she claimed to have been running. Again, she is using her son to control him. She interrogates her son all of the time to find out what we do with him. I would not be surprised if she brain washes him to say things that are false. I have not talked to him since the incident as he is keeping a low profile again so as to allow her time to get over this. I don't understand his behavior. Why is he protecting her feelings? What about mine? He says he has to play her games due to his son. He wants to see his son. So he feels she has him.
She has now just attained legal representation for herself. She is filing for full custody of their son. I did text her after the incident this morning and told her that I was not afraid of her and that I would be supporting my boyfriend. I would help him with his legal endeavors and that I would not allow her to control him anymore. I told her I would do everything in my power to assist him in gaining control of his life and still having visitation with his child the legal way. I think her attaining an attorney a few minutes later is due to my text messages.
What should I do? I'm so confused. I don't want him resenting me for bringing this one. But i feel it needs to be addressed.
Okay. Some thoughts: 1) "He
Okay. Some thoughts:
1) "He has been divorced since 2004 and they share a joint conservatorship of their 3 year old son."
Wait, I don't get the math here. They've been divorced for almost 6 years, but they have a 3 year-old son? What is the story there? This seems like a big red flag. If he was intimate with her 2 years after their divorce, you have a problem. Why? Because this woman, who is bi-polar, had an intimate relationship with your BF after they were legally divorced. If this is the case, you have a woman who is mentally unstable, and a BF who was so incapable of drawing and maintaining boundaries that he slept with her after their divorce. Thus, this woman now has no reason to believe they are "over." In this case, why would she ever believe that you are THE woman in his life now?
2) Your BF is the ONLY one who can change this situation for the better. How? He MUST draw and maintain boundaries with her. There is no one else who can do that. I understand that he tells you he just wants to keep the peace with her. That is very typical divorced man behavior with a problematic ex-wife. The trouble is, there is NO WAY a new relationship can last in this kind of situation. The divorce rate for remarriages is 63%. This is why.
My DH's ex-wife is also bipolar. About 3 months after I met him, I realized that his situation with her was a lot like your BF's -- although not NEARLY this extreme. He walked her dog for her, did errands for her, cooked her dinner sometimes, and pretty much let her have her way all the time, to "keep the peace". I could see that if the situation didn't change, I would never really be happy in a relationship with him. So, I sat him down, and very calmly, talked to him. I told him the things he did to maintain blurry boundaries with her, and how they would affect our relationship in the future. I told him that he was, in all ways except living with her and sleeping with her, still married to her. I told him that I was too good a catch to be a second-class wife in a relationship where my man was still married to someone else. I told him I was not going to be the other woman -- that I had never dated a married man before, and i wasn't going to start now. I told him that he had to choose which of us he was involved with. I told him that if he decided that he couldn't change the situation with her and set up some strong, unbreakable boundaries that I was comfortable with, then I would see that he had made the decision to stay "married" to her. In that case, I said calmly, I would wish him the best, and be on my way. And then I stopped talking.
He sat there for a moment, silent. And thought about it. And then, he said he understood what I was saying, and that it was time he "grew a pair." And you know what? He did. Immediately. That's when I knew he was the man for me.
Honey, don't settle for anything less in a relationship than any first wife would expect. Doing so is a recipe for disaster. It won't work, and you'll never be happy. So my advice is: steel yourself, and have the hard talk with him. And be prepared to walk away if he's not willing to change it.
My experience is that if he makes the decision to not allow this anymore, the ex will rant, rave, and freak out for a few months. And then she'll get it. You know why? Because she won't have a choice. And only he can take that control. And experience (mine and others') also tells me that IF he can make these changes, and STICK to them, when he sees that his ex is finally backing down (in about 3 months or so), he will feel SO EMPOWERED that he will NEVER allow her to manipulate him again.
Good luck. I know you love him, but in relationships that involve ex-spouses, love is not enough to make it work. if he can't hear you and make your needs a priority over hers, please be willing to admit to yourself that it is not the relationship for you, and move on.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Yes, I wanted to say this,
Yes, I wanted to say this, too. You need to stop having any communication with this woman, right now. I know it is tempting to want to tell her off, especially when she is provoking and attacking you, but no good can come of it. She will never hear reason from you, and any contact you have with her will only provoke her further. Only your BF can change this situation. And if he is unwilling/unable, then you need to admit to yourself it will not work.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Thank you once again to all
Thank you once again to all of you for your kind words of encouragment. I needed to hear from un-biased people who do not know me what their thoughts were about my situation. I have known what to do for a long time but due to the simple fact that I enjoy spending time with my BF and care very deeply about him, I have allowed for myself and my 5 year old daughter to be subjected to this woman's evilness. I know I need to remove myself from the equation for the moment and allow him to decide if he wants to be with her, continue to accomadate her to "keep the peace" or finally grow some, and take back the control he so freely gave her.
Thank you again for reaching out to me. It hurts a lot knowing I met this great guy, but he is not willing to fight for us, to believe in us.
Respectfully,
G