Creating Boundaries b/w Marriage vs. SD
My DH and I always seem to get into arguments whenever SD11 comes over every other weekend. DH always seems to change attitudes and personalities whenever SD11 is with us. I love my DH and enjoy my quality time spent with him or all 3 of us together. It is also nice to see the bond that SD11 and DH both share even though their relationship is better than ours. Because we both have odd work schedules DH and I hardly spend those quality together that he share w/ SD. I feel DH doesn’t strive hard enough to create a perfect bond for us. Rather is the week w/ SD or not. When SD11 comes over during the week or weekend, I always try to offer my support to DH but sometimes he treats me as if he doesn’t need any of my help when it comes to SD11. Not to mention that my job requires me to work some weekends, so you know they get the enjoyment to even spend more time together. He is so protective, controlling, and obsessive of her. He always seems to want to do it all by himself or with her. So therefore it’s hard to be included and I feel useless or less of a woman at times. He does things w/ SD that he never do for us. (such as obsessive calling during work hours if I am w/ her, has plenty of energy to take her out during the week or weekends, can spend the whole day w/ her playing, or simply do all sorts of things) . When I come home during the evening from work, you would think that DH will make time for me too, maybe lay down, prepare me a meal as I do for him, wanting to spend time w/ me since he hasn’t seen me all day, and had the opportunity to do all sorts of things w/ SD. But I get nothing!!! Are my expectations from my DH too demanding? I believe that DH needs to learn how to create boundaries whenever SD is around so everyone can be happy and have his time/attentions as well. Not only one way. Especially if he is the center of why all this is happening in this new family…
Because of all the attention given by DH to SD11 she has become even more spoiled, nagging/demanding , disruptive, selfish, and attention craver for DH whenever people are around, or whenever is my turn to spend time w/ DH. It seems like SD and I been fighting over DH attention. I addressed my attention to DH, but he thinks that I am over- reacting and that I need to grow up and stop being selfish! He feels that SD11 is a child and she has and need a lot of attention on her stage and he will give her all the attentions that she needs no matter what. I will have to wait for my turn, which is not until he put her to bed at night, then we can spend out quality time together. Is this fair or right? DH and I both don’t have children of our own yet, been recently married few weeks ago (civil ceremony) and currently planning our formal wedding this coming fall. But yet we still haven’t had the time to enjoy ourselves with either a mini honey moon, or a get away to celebrate or spend some quality time.
Like I’ve previously stated, we both already work long hours during the week, in addition to some weekends in my end, but he still doesn’t manage to make time for us to at least validate our covenant to each other. All I want from my DH is to create boundaries, make time for me/us, and where there’s also always going to be time for all of us together and w/ him and SD. I feel so left out and overwhelmed.
I welcome your feedbacks and any support in this touchy subject.
Basing my response from wwhat
Basing my response from wwhat you've said, I don't think wanting to spend time with each other as husband and wife is an unusual or unreasonable request. I understand how you feel because I still go thru the same in my home. I went into this situation with an idealistic view of what to expect and how I would handle potential issues. I found the ugly head of jealousy surfacing when I started experiencing the favoritisim shown to his son. It's something I struggle with all the time. Although it doesn't solve your problems, just know you're not alone.
Wanting to be loved by and spend time with the man you married is never a bad or selfish request. Frankly, I think it should be mutual.
Oh, and my husband has done
Oh, and my husband has done the same thing - with the obsessive possessiveness of his son. It was like he didn't trust me with him...His son is now 16,but Ive been with my husband since he was 9...his son I mean.
His controlling, possessiveness, obsessive phone calls and checking up, whatever you want to call it, began taking its toll on me. I started doubting myself, started feeling like I was doing something wrong...began feeling like I had to walk on eggshells as to not say or do something he may protest. I felt like I became hypersensitive for no reason. It was my DH projecting on me. I felt like he was trying to keep a seperation between my and the boy because of the BM. It was almost like he was worried she may think he was allowing me to take her place. My way of fixing this was to shake it off, be my normal, self sufficient, confident self and speak up formyself when he was being an ass. I was not going to allow him to make me feel any sort of way, excpet for what I should. He was no longer goign to have this control over me or how I interacted with his son; and if he didnt like it...screw it. He could learn what he was doing wrong and fix it, leave me alone and be by himself, or find some other weak minded woman to comply with the nonsense.
...As long as you know in your heart your're not being unreasonable or doing anything wrong stand your ground and let him know that it's HIS behavior that's causing a rif.
thank you for your honest
thank you for your honest response damm21395! I also been around SD11 for a while since she was a least 5yr w/o BM knowning about my exsistance. And knowing that DH wants to make sure to BM that when SD11 is here that no one would take her place as a mother, which i am definitely not trying to do. Matter effect, i am trying to have my own child w/ DH so all this attention to this "only child thing" will go away and finally start focusing on us,me and our future family! I am only 29 and dealing with this whole mess. This is my first marriage and first time being a step parent. Can i or we at least enjoy it together? geez....