There was a time when I knew being honest about my SS's behavior was detrimental to my marriage. It wasn't fair that I should have to feel so misunderstood and emotionally unsafe in my own home. So I started disengaging a few years ago. At this point I can honestly say I'm okay. If bad behavior isn't going to be addressed, or discouraged, I have found a place emotionally where I am absolutely not affected by it. This is a huge improvement from the emotional wreck I used to be, that was constantly frustrated, annoyed, and resentful.

This has resulted in a sort of stalemate between my SS and I. It's not ideal for anyone, but the ulterior, me a depressed basket case, isn't an option. My SS is going to grow up to be an adult I don't share values with, and that's okay. My H no longer puts unrealistic expectations on how I should feel. He appreciates that he has a good wife and marriage and has no complaints in that area. He accepts I'm just not going to wake up one day and feel like I birthed my SS. There's just too much, I hate to keep using the word emotional, but too much emotional scar tissue on my end.

Now that he realizes I'm not like the other adults in his life, and will get bent of shape over the things he says and does, my SS no longer goes out of his way to push my buttons. He's matured enough to stop negative attention seeking, at least from me. I'm just not accessible to him in that way, and probably not in any way beyond the superficial. I don't think this is right, but I know it's just the best I can do when I'm being completely honest with myself. Lately I've begun to wonder if being in the state of numbness can be improved? Is it possible to let the wall down just enough to be able to have some kind of relationship with this kid, or has that ship sailed?

Does anyone have experience disengaging, and then re-engaging at a later or safer time?