Combined B-day Party. Oh Hell No
I’ve seen many posts on here regarding combined birthday parties for the skids. I usually skim over those because I honestly never thought it would be an issue for us. Well lo and behold.
Every year since I’ve been with DH, DH arranges for SD’s birthday parties. Every year, its been a big party. Usually about 15 kids and always either a bowling party, swimming party or gymtastics type deal. Every friggen year, DH pays and we organize. The only time she’s ever attended was 2 years ago. BM helped out at the venue by doing something minor…I think she paid for a couple of pizzas or something and played “mommy” while doling out the slices. (Note: she and her BF slipped out to a nearby bar in the middle of the party)
Whatever. We suck it up, because a) its for SD and we’re happy to do it and b) BM doesn’t want to contribute time or $$. .
In a few short weeks, SD turns 11. We do think its time for SD to start toning down the big parties. She does have a lot of friends from school as well as friends from the sport she’s involved in. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago SD10 was with BM. Together they decide that they want to have a Halloween themed house birthday party and that we should all do it together. BM calls DH to tell him this and because he was busy at the time of the call he said “I’ll take about this later…I’m busy right now”. He did tell me that night and I adamantly said…”Oh Hell No. I don’t want BM in my house to “host” a b-day party for SD”. We talked briefly about it and he and I decided that if BM wants to host this party at her house, great! We’ll let her do it. We won’t attend though. We’ll have the regular family get together like we do in addition anyway and we would likely let her have a few friends stay over to celebrate at our house. Great! Problem solved. Or so I thought.
Fast forward. My Dear, Dear DH hasn’t dealt with this with BM yet and yesterday SD says she prefers this Halloween House b-day party to be held at our house and that BM wants to come. Last night I gently remind him that he should deal with this with BM sooner rather than later.
The shitty part about being a SM is that I don’t have the freedom to just call BM myself and say…”Either you do this party for SD, or we’ll do it, but we’re not doing a combined-kumbaya thing”. I have to sit and wait for DH to deal with it. My personality is such that I like to know what’s happening, and what’s to come so I can plan. DH…he’s a last minute kind of guy.
This is a perfect example of an exercise in disengaging.
I think its a perfect moment
I think its a perfect moment when your sd announces that she wants the party at your home and that BM wants to come, to call for DH and state that HE has something to say on it and when the deed is done to remind the sd's that you expect to be asked by them prior to any arrangements being made by persons outside of your house (I wouldnt give a shit if this got back to BM - the cheeky mare). End of.
I agree you should disengage and allow DH to deal with this, but you do know that there is going to be more of an issue of DH tells them no last minute. His problem I guess, so long as there is zero risk of him crumbling behind your back.
I would REMIND him firmly, that this needs doing asap as otherwise the sd;s will be more disappointed and there will be more of a fallout in doing this. Plus, calmly tell him that you will not change your mind on this subject and there will be ructions should anyone try and railroad you.
Keep lots of alcohol on hand.
Keep lots of alcohol on hand.
I found that I drink more now
I found that I drink more now and it sure does help. Not what thy used to say, hen you are mad, dont drink it just makes you madder. I get relaxed with a drink or two, its all good and I dont sweat the small shit.
Yeah... I'm going to have to
Yeah... I'm going to have to deal with this in January and I'm not pleased. I also think this gives the child a false sense of family togetherness that mom and dad ended long ago. I say... If it's BM's week, it's BM's deal... if it's BF's week, it's BF's deal.. You guys chose not to be a family, you guys don't get to do family things together. Don't have kids with people you don't plan on staying with... End of story.
My fiancee says, "I'm not missing my daughter's birthday."
and I say, "It's a day, on a calender, she could have come anywhere within a two week period. Why make it a stress-fest for everyone involved?"
And jeez, she gets to have two birthdays, a family birthday and a friend birthday.. That's how my childhood went when I was a kid and my folks weren't even divorced. Do you think I got both parties on the SAME DAY? hell no.
No offense to any of the BM's out there but Jesus H. Christ.. You made a kid, congratulations.. Even roaches have kids, and tumors are life too. Don't be soo proud of your offspring that you're willing to put the person you're with through the hell of having to be around your POS ex.
"You guys chose not to be a
"You guys chose not to be a family, you guys don't get to do family things together. "
I agree. There is no possibility of BM ever being allowed in my home. If skids are with us on their b-days, we have a small party. If not, maybe next year.
I think you should. I don't
I think you should. I don't think kids with divorced parents should have to choose, or have their wedding be the first time that both parents are together. When that happens you can cut the tension with a knife in the room.
We do parties together for DH kids
And with my ex we do the big b-days, 10, 13, 16, 18.
This is my opinion.
Believe me I know it SUCKS...as we invited skids BM to our house following their party to watch them get an awesome gift. Believe me I wanted to vomit but I sucked it up for 3 hrs this day, made sure that I said hello and had conversation w her. When she was rude, I smiled and everyone there knew that I was the woman with a lot more class.
No, no...I still don't
No, no...I still don't believe we need to do this combined thing in my house. I certainly don't mind doing it at a venue, but not at my house.
OMGdrama...love your response. If it was REALLLY about SD10, then BM would just have offerred to do it at her house and do all the work...but this is reaaally about BM wanting to look involved without actually "doing" anything. SD could not care less if BM came. At this age, its all about the friends coming to her party. Its about having fun with friends...its not about the parents, at all.
"No, no...I still don't
"No, no...I still don't believe we need to do this combined thing in my house. I certainly don't mind doing it at a venue, but not at my house."
We used to do this for SD17, usually a pool party or a skate party. These were awkward times to say the least, since SD17's "perfect" bio-daddy has a policy of not speaking to me. I just tried to stay in the background.
I think the "combo" party at a neutral venue could work, but only if you have an amicable relationship with the ex. Otherwise it is just too strained.
Sorry but I don't see any
Sorry but I don't see any reason to do a joint party EVER! Weddings and graduation I can do. But But why a bday party? Just doesn't seem like good idea. I will never ever do a joint party for skids. Bm is way too nutty for that.