For the Child vs. About the Child

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I'm interested in opinions about this. My girlfriend (with a 5 year old) is Facebook friends with her ex-husband/father of child. This is a mild irritant in the Big Picture, but the truth is, my glass is almost filled to the brim with irritants, compromise, sacrifice, etc. A single drop and it might spill. I feel that they should not have any communication that is not directly FOR the child, as opposed to ABOUT the child. In other words, if they are bonding over the child, sharing stories, seeking emotional support related to parenting, it feels like cheating to me. Exchanging pictures is not for the benefit of the child, it is for the pleasure of the parents. Benefiting the child is okay, mutual pleasure giving is not.

Along those lines, the entire

Along those lines, the entire dynamic feels like polygamy at times.

I see what you are doing as

I see what you are doing as providing information and since he is not there helping your daughter with her relationship with her dad.

I'm sure he replies "thank you."

What borders on the inappropriate is when the two exes want to ohh and aah for an hour about their daughter and their shared experiences with her.

Sure it's a grey area. But in all grey areas at some point you realize when the line has or has not been crossed.

I don't get threatened when

I don't get threatened when BM sends bondy-like texts... mostly because it means she's about to pick a fight about something.

Mmmmmmm sorry, you are

Mmmmmmm sorry, you are probably not going to like what I have to say.

If your girlfriend and her ex have a working, amicable relationship, that benefits the child then that is great! It is better than the alternative of them hating each other and non stop drama for 20 years. I don't think it is fair for a new spouse/boy or girlfriend/life partner/etc. to come in and dictate what the communication should be between two parents. Being a step parent is NOTHING but sacrifice in every way imaginable, so if your glass is full of irritants now and you are on the brink, I suggest you cut your losses before you become more invested than you are now, because it is not going to get better.

My cousin and her ex vacation together with their new spouses and subsequent children. She allows them to stay at their home for holidays. Personally I find that bat shit bonkers, but who am I to say anything? It works for all adults involved so why not? If what is happening now doesn't work for you then you need to move on.

"I don't think it is fair for

"I don't think it is fair for a new spouse/boy or girlfriend/life partner/etc. to come in and dictate what the communication should be between two parents."

Well, yes, If you use the word "dictate" for anything, then, necessarily, whatever follows would be unfair.

If you change dictate to "express concerns about" or "tell girlfriend that an emotional bond with another male is infidelity", then the issue of fairness would be more debatable. You've framed it in a way that prevents anyone from disagreeing with you. So, yes, I agree: No Dictating.

Thanks for your comments. Depending on the hour of the day, I agree with your conclusion.

Semantics, but the end

Semantics, but the end results of dictating versus "expressing concern" will be the same. You don't like it and you don't want her doing it because it is an irritant for you...regardless of the word used, your feelings are the same.

Again, being a step-parent is nothing but sacrifice-financial, emotional, you name it, you will sacrifice it. Had I known now what I did not know 17 years ago I cannot say that I'd be here right now...and I have it good. Better than most.

What works for others works

What works for others works for others. That's not my concern.

You can call it "dictate" if you want but I get to 100% control what I allow in my life. I will NOT be a part of a relationship with any man who has another woman prominently in his life. period. dot. I do not have to accept a man who is already taken. And that includes a man who has an inappropriate relationship with 'mommy' too.

You can call it "dictate" if

**************

Yes I would call that dictating, but I don't see anything wrong with that either. I dictate a lot in my life too, but I don't dictate what can and cannot happen in other's relationships. I can only control what goes on in my life and if my partner and I are not on the same page with boundaries, then there is no point, for me, to continue on in that relationship.

I am her first since the

I am her first since the divorce. On the days I'm the most pessimistic, I'll often think that I've done some of the heavy lifting for her next partner, in terms of working to sever the ties between her and the ex.
In any event, I have deep, serious, and persistent concerns that Step-parenting is not for me. The emotional pain I have when I think about her having a child with someone else can be unbearable. The more I love her, the more painful it is. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to come to terms with it.

I agree with your final

I agree with your final sentence. Although, I don't think the issue is "handling." There is something fundamentally unsavory and unnatural about the entire Step dynamic. Even the best circumstances--which I likely have--do not change this fact.

I WISH DH and BM could get

I WISH DH and BM could get along and communicate like parents (or even friends) about their children.

I guess it's easy for you to be irritated by a relationship you don't understand .. but trust me when I tell you that having a crazy, manipulative, and mean-spirited BM is MUCH MUCH worse.

I agree. With so little

I agree. With so little information from the OP, it's hard to say whether this situation is inappropriate or not.

I think that if BM is a normal, sane woman who is trying to maintain communication with her child's father in a friendly way and to share the child's experiences with each other; there is no issue; especially if both parents are active in the child's life. If she's a psycho BM with secret plans to win him back and reunite their family, then yeah, it's a problem.

No offense to stepparents, but how can parents every really co-parent or have these productive, meaningful relationships when the stepparents are dictating what level of communication spouses are allowed to have with the ex. Boundaries are important, but if the stepmom's boundaries are negatively impacting an otherwise positive and healthy co-parenting relationship .. idk.

I know so many of us are jaded by psycho, manipulative BMs .. but I can't believe that EVERY ex-BM is like that, or that every "non-business" communication is inappropriate. Call me naive if you must .. but I think at some point, SMs need to take some credit for their jealousy and insecurity when that's the case.

No offense to stepparents,

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I totally agree. 8 out of 10 times step-parents need not even be concerned with the communication. I always tell my husband "you picked her, you get to deal with her." She is totally not my problem.

Isn't the OP's concern about

Isn't the OP's concern about being Facebook friends with the ex? Just wondering where the other scenarios were posted. Or am I just really confused?

I was confused after reading

I was confused after reading your post about house keys and emotional support.

I always tell my husband "you

I always tell my husband "you picked her, you get to deal with her." She is totally not my problem.

I tell my husband this all the time too. Actually, I tell my exH this all the time about his wife as well. Just because they picked these women, doesn't mean I need to be concerned with them.

I think sometimes (and not in

I think sometimes (and not in all situations), it's not enough that SMs don't want to deal with the BMs, they also want to control the level of communication between BM and DH. It starts to sound like a reverse power-play .. SM flexing her muscle and marking her territory when it's just not necessary.

It's hard for people with crazy BMs to accept that not all BMs are crazy and psycho. Believe me, I've been there!

Well said, I couldn't agree

Well said, I couldn't agree more!

Oh no, you absolutely are not

Oh no, you absolutely are not attempting to exert control in your situation. Who in their right mind would want to leave pick/ups, etc open to a window of time...lol. "Sure BM...why not, I will sit around for 3 hours waiting for you to decide when you want your kids!" I think not!

I understand your situation.

I understand your situation. Mine is the same way. DH has little to no interaction with BM outside of email, and it's ALWAYS related to the skids.

My points above were more about BMs who aren't crazy and intrusive. I understand that late night calls, texts, secret messags, flirty interactions are all inappropriate .. and I think reasonable people (including BMs) understand that.

My distinction is that just because DH and BM may have open, regular communication doesn't mean that one of them is acting inappropriately. I don't text ANYONE after 8pm because I'm a respectful person and appreciate other people's personal time and space. Reasonable BMs can be capable of the same thing.

It all goes out the window when the BM or DH are NOT sane/reasonable/responsible .. which I acknowledge is why most of us show up here. I just hate to think we've become so conditioned to think every ex-spouse is up to no good.

I think I posted this reply

I think I posted this reply to the wrong post!

It seems to me as if you

It seems to me as if you should do some serious soul searching and determine whether this relationship is working for you. It sounds as if you really, really don't want to be a step-parent. If you know this now, before you're married, that is not a bad thing. Move on to someone who doesn't have children with someone else. I see that you mentioned in a comment that you have a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that she had a child with someone else. I venture to say that it is jealousy that is motivating your concerns with the dynamic between the parents more than anything. That, of course, is MHO based on what you have written.

My advice is to let gf know how you feel about these things. Don't make demands, etc, but just sit down and honestly let her know how you feel. I'm sure she'd be willing to make some minor changes to placate you. However, I don't feel that she should have to change the entire dynamic of how she and her child's father raise that child, because of your insecurities. All in all we, as parents, need to do what we feel is right for the child.

I have a friendly relationship with my daughter's dad. This is not saying that we always have or always will see eye to eye on everything. We won't...that's the nature of the beast. His parents are divorced and have an excellent relationship, so much so that my ex FIL and his wife have invited my former MIL to stay at their house while she was on vacation.

My husband has absolutely no problem with the relationship between myself and my ex, just as I have no problem with the relationship between he and his. It's what works for us as parents. We generally don't have to deal with all of the drama that you see on this forum which, I believe, is a great benefit to the children, and everyone else. (There are moments that we all just can't stand each other though, I won't lie). My daughter knows that mommy and daddy like each other and are friendly with her step-parents (my exH and my DH get along great and act like good friends when they are around each other), and she's happy. That's what it's all about.

Yeah, that is creepy. Makes

Yeah, that is creepy. Makes me wonder why people like this ever got divorced in the first place. I've had to gently remind my dh, in the early years of our relationship, that she was NOT HIS WIFE ANYMORE!!! It's not about SM's wanting to "have control" or "flex our muscles"...it's about respect!

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For the Child vs. About the Child