But if it was, here's my unsolicited (and probably unwelcome!) response...

I think we have to consider the original poster's reason for for posting. If someone is posting because they want or need validation, someone to commiserate with or advice, then basically that poster is putting himself or herself out there and asking for feedback. Sometimes you'll like and agree with the feedback you get, sometimes you won't. Sometimes people will offer examples from their own experiences that may mirror yours, sometimes they will offer a completely different perspective. Different strokes for different folks. Take what you want from the responses you receive, use what you can and throw the rest away. I try not to take anything too personally or sound too judgmental and if it comes out that way, well, it's not my intention. It's just an opinion. All any of us really has to offer is opinion, anyway, not expertise. I think that goes without saying. If we were experts, we wouldn't be here. If we were seeking expert advice, we wouldn't be seeking it here. Let's face it, we're all just doing the best we can.

If the original poster is posting for the sole purpose of venting only and doesn't want feedback, then don't ask for it. Don't ask for advice if advice isn't what you want and don't chastize people who care enough to take the time to write back to offer their advice, because no one here knows you well enough to give a tinker's damn about you personally... they are just reading what information you make available and posting their advice or opinion. If you don't want this, then include a little note that says "venting only, no responses please" or something like that. Or maybe it's a better idea to use an online or even offline journal for your venting, rather than a public forum where everyone has the ability to comment on your post. In short, if you don't like or want responses, then don't ask for them and understand that when you post here, others have the ability to reply.

Finally, I've been called a bitch (talk about immature!) for posting my honest opinion and have caught all kinds of hell for not agreeing with everything I read. Frankly, my skin is a little tougher than to take any real offense at that. I don't let some anonymous strangers determine my self-worth and neither should anyone else. We are all free to post what we want, read what we want and ignore what we want. As I've said before, you have to take what you can from the responses you receive and toss out the rest. But before I'd throw someone's comment or advice away, I'd try to see if there's any truth in the comment, because sometimes it helps to try to see things from a different perspective. There have been times when I've posted here and got responses that, if I took it as a personal attack, would probably have made me feel pretty bad. But I try to step back and understand that someone took the time out of their busy day and their own problems to offer me a response, so maybe I should not take it personally, but really think about what that person said and see if it might not apply. Sometimes my mind is opened and changed, sometimes it isn't, but I appreciate everyone's comments, even if I respectfully disagree.

I do appreciate your honesty, Realist, and it has to take a lot of courage to go to a forum like this and freely admit to not liking your stepdaughter. I'm sure all of us can say that there are times we don't like our skids very much. There are times when we don't like our biological children very much, for that matter. Having the courage to be honest is something you should be commended for, definitely. But by that same token, my opinion - and that's OPINION, not JUDGMENT - is that you are the adult and you have to be the bigger person in this. I read your posts and I feel for you, because it is hard to know that you are stuck forever sharing your husband with someone you don't like, his daughter. But honestly, my heart just goes out to this little girl, because whatever is making her act this way, it doesn't sound like anything is really being done to get to the root of the problem and address it and my OPINION, not JUDGMENT is that she sounds like she needs some consistent coaxing, reassurance, loving guidance, inclusion and maybe emotional support. It sounds like she's struggling with something. So are you, definitely, but you are out there seeking help and I'm wondering who is helping her?

Just my two cents... take it to the bank or drop it in the gutter, makes no difference to me.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

This forum topic touches on something I've been feeling -- I agree with Anne that if one posts they get responses and some you might not like -- I think it was Anne herself who said "consider the source" and I try to keep that in mind. What I've been troubled with lately is a somewhat different issue, i.e, by intimations that a response that validates the poster's feelings, whatever they may be, and perhaps provides an example of a similar experience, is necessarily a "negative" response that does no one any good and simply keeps the fires of anger and negativity burning, and further, that if we can't offer an uplifting insight or fresh way to look at the problem we shouldn't be responding. I respectfully disagree with that perspective. (Anne, to clarify, that's not a response to your response above--my issue stems from other interactions--this just seems like the right forum to air this issue.)

While positive, encouraging advice and fresh perspectives are always appreciated (or, like Anne, I at least try to appreciate them), this site is the only place in the world where I can also get "me too" kind of support and I think that's very valuable. More, I think the fundamental assumption behind the criticism of "negative" posts is misplaced; speaking for myself, it actually does not perpetuate negative behavior or anger in my own life when someone says my feelings of hurt or anger are justified, and provides me with validation and examples of similar feelings. It actually helps calm me and lifts the veil of anger so that I can either see the real-life solution a little more clearly, or I can put the anger away in the locked box it belongs in, smash the box, and go on with the more enjoyable parts of my life. I don't think that's a psychologically shocking cause-and-effect. So with respect to me, please keep all kinds of responses -- the "fixers" AND the "me, toos" -- and even the "I disagree" -- responses coming. And thanks.

the "me too". I feel better knowing that there are others out there in a similiar situation. Even my "venting" blogs have really helped me calm down and handle the situation appropriately and I know I'll get through it (and it feels so good to vent and get it out). I'm not always looking for responses (fixes, I disagrees, or me toos) but they all help in one way or another. I've also learned to channel my anger towards BM's actions differently as well as not get so upset with her actions (there is no changing them). I find this site very valuable for many different reasons. It has really helped me in my everyday SM role.

I agree. When I write about BM or Skids, I probably need to vent. I feel that I have also been judged by some. I do have thick skin as well and I don't put weight on those judgements but I have been in the position where I feel I have to defend my venting, etc. I did respond (silly me) to an attack, once (okay, I had to learn the hard way ONCE...so far). I'm no dummy, I know it isn't worth it and I haven't done it again (I don't need to walk away from here more upset than when I signed in). I no longer feel I have to defend myself, and nobody should feel that way on this site.

I love this website and feel it is very valuable except when judgement day happens (I don't need that here). Opinions that don't agree with mine are welcome (I'll read them and they'll give me a different perspective) although the "me too" posts/replies really help (may be my personality but they seem to calm me down the most and shake me back into reality and regain perspective) but the minute I feel attacked for venting, I don't read it. There may be some who feel that they are stating their opinions (and most are well within the bounds of opinions), but I've read some very aggressive responses to posts that society would never consider an opinion but rather an accusation, attack or judgement.
I find it very helpful to read the various situations that everyone is in. I enjoy this website and will continue to use it to vent, talk about successes as a SM, and to possibly support others, if I can.

Just my two cents (maybe five cents...it is long).

honest here all the time. I may not like what people say to me but yet I am the one putting it out there. I have a blog right now and someone may come back and tell me to shut the hell up and quit whining but I want all the feed back honestly.
That is why I am here. Is for people to tell me honestly and sometimes that honesty is what I need to make me realize that its ok or realize the situation differently.
Realist- be honest whether someone wants it or not.
I have a friend in which case I have been friends with her for like um 26 years.. She is always very blunt.. And although I may not like it but she is just telling it the way it is.
Its life..
Keep your opinions flowing.. It helps I promise.. I think you answered me back a few times and it has helped..
SO thanks..
Happy

that there almost appears to be highjacked posts with very strong (antagonistic) BM influence from anonymous posters. This is no different than any other site.. politcs, astro, religious.. blah Blah blah. I agree.. consider the source.

I find it very helpful to get opinions from both sides of the coin. I encourage BMs to shine some light. I do get irked when a BM (anon) come across the site and start picking fights.. it's like this is a step talk forum. If you want to be part of the solution great, if not...

The issues/feeling discussed here can be very intense and the fact that we can be honest about this darker side and get help, has been very therapeutic for me.

Yes, Realist, I saw your posting on the other issue. And I can see how you may be afraid to post... Don't be.

We post how we feel, how we WANT to feel, how we SHOULD feel, how we COULD feel... it's all a good thing... it shows that we FEEL. We care, we hurt, we cry, we love, and yes, sometimes we have issues that don't make us proud, or make other bloggers proud. Still, we are who we are. I'm a step-mom AND a bio-mom - and it's hard - it's damn hard.

We love the kids, we love our husbands and we do what we can to keep the peace with everyone including our own kids - and get little or no gratitude from our family members. Still, we trudge along, thinking it will get better, and ya know what? It does... sometimes it gets worse first, but does get better.

I didn't like my step-kids very much at first because I felt that they were extremely judgmental... they resented me.... hated my cooking... thought the plans we had worked out for them to occupy the weekend were boring... they would intentionally break the toys of my bio-kids... they messed up the house.... they refused to mind.... and the list goes on. I didn't like them, in fact, I didn't even like my husband on the weekends we had them... But it eventually got better, their manners improved and we were able to finally (in nearly 2 years) DARED take them out in public to a restaurant.

More importantly, it's important for us to see different points of view. Like a wagonwheel that must make repeated rotations in order to move forward - if we continuously seek or hear one-sided views, our "life" is going to "wobble."

But don't stop feeling.... and don't stop posting. It's important for all of us to feel that we are all in this together and share the pain. Some of us aren't able to talk to our husbands or kids, or other family members (such as my sister or mother) and this is the only outlet we have - and we continue to have it together.

Your views are important to me - your postings, your honesty and your friendship are important to me, and to the rest of them.

Big hugs, hang in there.

Sorry, but I've been hit and miss with a lot of the post lately, been too busy, so I've been just been clicking here and there.

And of course, I'm too cotton-pickin-lazy to read all the posts to this but I just wanted to add something... if anyone cares.

In my opinion, I think that people are too overly sensitive when they first approach this site. They are afraid at first because they are afraid to be judged, and at first they feel that they are being judged... I WAS NO EXCEPTION TO THAT... believe me! But it takes time to 'find your nitch' and really start to dissect your own personal issues and 'calm down'. We all have have to go through a learning curve and with everything, when you really participate with others, then everyone gets a chance to 'read your personality' to understand... oh, know I get it! And laugh at yourself.

On the other hand, I often think that some folks who post really strong opinions are usually not really viewing things from all angles and just want to lash out for their own 'relief' if you will, because the original poster struck a chord with them... fortunately, that's on them. No one else, so you shouldn't be worried. THEY have the issue, not you. So, for me, when I find that... sometimes I response, sometimes I don't give a damn. Just let it roll off your back and move on. And that, my dear, is my personal opinion!

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

thing. I am not getting any of who this is directed at.. Is it me. Have I offended someone.. I hope not that is not my intention at all. IF I have I apologize. Lately it seems for me I am offering more advice because things in my family have calmed down for the better..
SO please if I myself am angering anyone please know now my intentions are good while at the same time I am a person who says things that I feel.
happy