BM's false stalking accusations
I recently found out that BM (the ex) went around telling everyone that my husband stalked her when they first broke up which was years ago. This was a bold faced lie and this is the same woman who wants us all to be friends now and get along for the sake of their son (11). The real story is he left her due to her verbal and emotional abuse(she is bipolar), her over spending money issues she was responsible for and her inappropriate behavior with other men online. He left her and she was very angry but this was only after months of verbal abuse by her threatening to kick him out of the house when he would bring up her spending and innappropriate behavior online. He could finally not take it anymore. He made the mistake of being willing to go back and work on things with her initially at first. They were talking and he thought they were working things out when she met another man, unbeknownst to him, and had him spent the night when he was about to go pick their son up in the morning. He called her several times heartbroken that evening and she refused to answer her phone. She then told her new man that he was stalking her. This is her defintion of stalking apparently. He left her alone after that and filed for divorce immediately. This was several years before I met him. She was particularly cruel to my husband after their relaitonship ended and boasted about her new relationship online very publicly, something she never did with him all the years they were together. This was a man she barely knew for a few months, also a total loser and not attractive either, and bragged about him very openly in order to hurt her husband of over a decade and the father of her child. My husband has since well moved on and is glad to be rid of her and other than their strained co parenting situation. However lately it seems she wants to be friends with my husband again. I have a felling she wants more CS since her freak looking man (yes they are still together years later and married two months after they met online!) doesn't have a decent job and wants to make a living as an artist. They also smoke a lot of pot which is not cheap and she likes to spend spend spend. My husband has no desire to be friends with her thankfully but is cordial because of their son. Can someone please explain why his ex is such a mess and wth is wrong with her? Thank God my husband is a good man and has set his boundaries firm with the psycho. But wth would he be with a woman like this to begin with?
The why of what the toxic
The why of what the toxic blended family opposition chooses is a waste of time to worry about or even think about.... at all.
Her past behavior being the best predictor of her motives and future behavior, you and your DH need to box her in, keep her away, and in no way engage with her in her new effort to be friends. She lied, that makes her a liar. She cheated, that makes her an adulterous whore.
What more do you or your DH need to know other than that?
IMHO that makes her no one you or anyone else should have any interest in being friends with.
As for why he would be with a person like that? Early love is about presenting the other person with what we think is what they want. In my case, my XW was a beautiful, intelligent, engaging person from a "good" family. Ever body loved her to death. My parents, my brother, my GPs, my friends... Though my HS BFF was not a fan. It turned out... he was right. She was a serially adulterous whore the whole time we were married. The crazy started on our wedding night. Not long after our 2nd anniversary she moved out of the house we had bought a couple of months prior and in with her geriatric fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy. I was fortunate and escaped that marriage without polluting my gene pool with her.
It turned out that the family was embezzling money from my XMIL's employer to the tune of $millions over several decades. XMIL ended up in Federal prison and the owner of the business sued the family and won $millions in settlement.
I have never wasted a second on the why of their crap. I have celebrated my escape and am a strong believer in good riddance when it comes to toxic.
Out of curiosity why wasn't
Out of curiosity why wasn't your hs BFF a fan? Was there something about her that annoyed him or was a red flag? Or did he not specify? Btw I agree with everything you posted. No need to worry what makes people horrible. It won't make me understand it any better.
He never really said. He
He never really said. He just did not like her I think she interfered in our friendship. At that stage he was partying, boating, and dating a lot of women. When XW and I met, I left that all to him... for a couple of years.
Her bipolar is untreated and
Her bipolar is untreated and she is at the mercy of her mental issues. She is self medicating with pot. You mentioned all the classic signs of mania, spending, poor choices, sex. I suggest you both learn about bipolar and you will have a better understanding about how she acts. There is also a genetic aspect to bipolar and the odds your SS might have it are not in his favor.
She may have bipolar too but
She may have bipolar too but she sounds like she has a personality disorder. Personality disorders often are mistaken for mood disorders or can go hand in hand with them. In other words, she's mentally ill.
I find it helpful to understand why people behave as they do, it's fine that you are asking. Around here, these toxic BMs are all called "High Conflict", which they are. The key is rock solid boundaries regardless of how they behave.
The short answer... "who
The short answer... "who knows"
The long answer is that there are usually 3 sides to the story.. his, hers and the truth. It is likely that there was a bit more to it than a few phone calls.. and likely his EX was framing the contact attempts as stalking because she didn't want the new guy to think she was still messing around with her EX.
If you are both happy and he is the husband and partner that fills your life... then I would not allow his EX to take up any space in my head. Why is she like that? Why would she say things that may/may not be true? who knows... mental issues... the desire to paint herself in a more positive light? it could be any number and in the end.. it really doesn't matter.. because the people that would believe the lies are not people that should matter to you.
I've come here to vent really
I've come here to vent really. She takes up space in my head only when she starts her antics. That is why I come here. It's simply a weight off when I discuss it with like minded people who are not my husband. It helps to have a forum like this for discussion purposes, story exchanges, in order to receive advice, etc.
Yeah.. I understand. That's
Yeah.. I understand. That's why I posted what I did. Basically, when faced with things people like her do or say.. you will likely not make much sense of it.. and the best advice is to try to minimize how much of your mental bandwidth you allow her to occupy. The true and most important thing is that you and your partner have a great realtionship.. which you say you do.
I used to know someone like
She sounds unstable. I used to know someone like this. It could be a personality disorder instead of bipolar. The symptoms are very similar. If she is bipolar your SS may also have a higher probablity of being bipolar too. Pot is expensive and doesn't treat either mental illness. It only masks the symptoms. In some cases it can make it worse. I think it is great that your husband has moved on with his life, set strict boundaries with her and is not feeding into her mess anymore. CS is determined by the courts, not her.
I go down that rabbit hole too
More often that I would like!
Why would your good and decent guy pick someone so horrible? Yep, I get really mad sometimes. But then I remember he also picked me. They were in their 20's and she pursued him and she was decent looking with an ok personality. Smart enough, but emotionally stunted. Hes a pretty basic person. Hes smarter than Toxic Troll. They did the "party scene" together. Lots of coke in other words. So, piecing things together I think they did some trauma bonding. Then the kiddos came along and they were bonded through that as well. They actually got married because her father pressured him to marry her. They were together 20 years, and she discovered how easy it was to meet men online and have online relationships, while still being married with 2 kiddos. She would take long baths.
He discovered her emotional "relationships" when his ex brother-in-law was dancing with her at a party, she accused him of grabbing her cootchie, and that caused his fiance to tell DH about the online d!ck picks Toxic Troll was drooling over and bragging about. Yup. He moved her out. He admits that was his excuse, because she was violent and abusive towards him in front of the kiddos. She would drink and passout and puke in place. Pee and poo herself.
She likes to re-write history and tells people that he was a stalker. When he moved her out and they were in transition to separation, he made a fake online dating profile. He started an online dialog and she invited him over, telling him to bring a box of condoms, they would use them all that weekend. So imagine her surprise when he showed up, and told her "yes, I knew you were telling me lies about not being physical with the guys you were texting online!" She counts that as stalking. He left and that further solidified their separation, because he knew for a fact that she was cheating.
She tells everyone that he is abusive. And she tells him that he hit her. He never hit her and shes the one who was abusive.
She also tells everyone that he begged her to stay and bought a jaccuzzi and pool table to entice her. He got those for free and wanted a bachelor pad.
She tells people that I am forced to curl my hair to look like her. My hair is naturally curly. She likes putting me down to others.
She downgrades our marriage. Because she thinks shes his great love of his life. She gave him CHILDREN. She also gave him debt, a bankrupcy, bad credit, and permanent renter status. Now hes got decent credit, we own a home, a fishing boat and are planning his first vacation.
Why? Because how could someone like him find anyone better than HER? How could he leave HER? They have CHILDREN together. Shes so AWESOME and SEXY and COOL. Yeah. WTF. Her own 14 year old daughter tells me she lies and is a narcissist.