As a BM how do I know if there is a problem with the SM and DD
My exh recently remarried. It would be his third wife. DD was 16 and is a long distant kid. So for some quick background: DD was 10 months when we separated, the first year was rocky as we learned to co-parent as divorced parents instead of married parents. He lived with wife #2 from the time she was 2 until she was in the 4th grade (married her at some point), second SM was involved with her until she was almost in the 7th grade at which time SM disappeared. He moved out of state when she was 2.5yrs.
Exh finds a woman, introduces DD and 6 months later married SM. Now mind you- they dated for over a year, but DD goes out at Christmas and Summer. At Christmas they had just started dating so he introduced her at a summer visit and then married her during the Christmas visit. DD had a HUGE issue with SM's ds6 (at the time), because he referred to her dad as "Dad". It didn't help that exh didn't tell dd that ss called him dad. It was a touchy meeting, but after listening to her rant and rave for about an hour.....she settled down and we talked logically about the in's and out's and how it really was none of her business. She now treats SM's ds as her brother and refers to him as her little brother. She tries to remember to call when he will be there and talk to him and this last trip she babysat for them.
While I think that DD's SM likes her, and is ok with her. how do i know that she doesn't feel like many of you (and me at times)? DH does the one thing that he can do, he gives her money over and beyond support and buys her many things. Since their marriage I have tried not to call for extra's. DD will occasionally- for instance senior prom is coming up- she has saved money for the dress, but was going to have my mom make it. Exh thought this was too much for my mom and told her to charge a dress to the CC if she found one. She found one alright- she called her dad and asked if he would pay half. She would do the other half- he bought the whole thing.
I hope that the SM doesn't resent her visits, or exh involvement with DD's life here. But are there signs? I tell DD to mind her manners, to help around the house, clean up after herself, do her own laundry, help with theirs.... that she goes to exh to "live" that is her family and she needs to act like it.
She wants to go out and see him, exh told her that she was 18 and wasn't obligated, and she said but dad I want to see you. He said ok. She looks forward to the visits and spending time with the SM too.
But are there signs that you wish a BM would see?
I think the biggest sign of
I think the biggest sign of trouble from a Stepmom is when they come onto the scene, start making demands, refuse to let XH discuss any issues with XW without going through her, etc.
From what I'm reading, it sounds like everything is fine so why worry.
The reasons stepmoms get resentful has more to do with the parents of the skids rather than the actual skids. You have advised your daughter well on how to get along with others, trust that at 18 she is fully capable of navigating relationships on her own.
OH, and congrats on being a good BM!
Thank you for not being on of
Thank you for not being on of those BM's that no one can stand.. Personally- I don't keep it a secret that I cannot stand my SD12... and she makes it known that she treats DH & I like dogs.. she'll call her BM's family and tell them how horrible I am for making her be responsible. It has gotten to the point where when I was pregnant (last July), she told me that she would kick or punch DD3months if she were to cry. Needless to say I told my DH that she isn't coming anywhere near me or DD..
You know it doesn't hurt to ask exh (or maybe even SM) either. I'd probably die of a heart attack if BM would quit being like her daughter and actually support us on the goals we have for SD and DD. But I would be eternally grateful for her making her daughter mind. Thank you for not being like the other mothers us stepparents have to deal with.
It sounds like everything is
It sounds like everything is just fine.
I met SDthen10 for exactly one meal before DH and I got married. We met in January, I cooked over Easter holiday for DH, SD, and MIL, and we got married in June.
I'm sure BM was shocked and appalled. She *did* make a point of insisting that I was in no way a mother figure to SD, but after a couple years, SDnow15 pretty much refused to toe the party line of "She's only my dad's wife." After a couple years, I warmed up enough to SD to actually care about where she's going in life.
If SM has any sense, she'll treat your DD as what she is; a welcome ADULT guest of her DH's who is to be treated like family. If your DD has any sense (and it sounds like she does) she'll treat SM with the courtesy due in her own home. I wouldn't expect them to become BFFs, but it sounds like they have at least a cordial relationship.
If you look back at my blogs, you'll see I had issues with SD as a spoiled thoughtless tween, but mainly my issues are with BM and her brand of mild crazy. You're not nutso, so I'm not seeing any potential problems.
what i watch for in my dd's
what i watch for in my dd's life with her dad and smom, is HOW ENVOLVED is smom, does she attend family gatherings when dd is there or is not there, does she do things she doesn't want to do just to be there for dd. how is the relationship between x and smom? how does dd act when they come pick her up/drop her off.
in your case from waht i've read, no news is good news. but once the "issues" start coming to YOUR attention, they've been there for a while
good luck and i sure hope you have a better exp than i have
If no one has said
If no one has said anything...why are you here to find out if anything is wrong?Are you LOOKING for reasons to rock the boat?I'm sorry if this seems rude but it feels to me like this blog is pointless unless you're trying hard to find something wrong with an obviously peaceful situation.The drama starts when people scrutinize things too much like what you're doing here.Be happy things are peaceful and stop searching for a list of possible signs of trouble.
it sounds like they get along
it sounds like they get along fine. i think you would be able to tell based on how DD acts. my skids bm can tell if we had a rough weekend with the skids by how they act. most of the time there are no problems, but its obvious when there is a problem. if she seems happy and WANTS to see them, i would say its a good relationship. i am sure the smom is grateful you have brought up DD to be so respectful and helpful. that is one of the things i am grateful both DH and BM really enforce.