Blindsided by SS
Our problem is (apparently) quite large but we only just got to the truth, so forgive my poor attempt at being concise.
DH and I met almost two years ago and got serious very quickly but, we were we cautious about introducing me to his children (boys 8 and 10 at the time). Their first encounter with me was at their favourite restaurant for about an hour, after which we went to our separate homes. Next meeting was two weeks later to play some board games and order pizza. Over the next 6 months I started to come around more, not staying over until the kids brought up the subject themselves and asked me if I would.
At all stages DH sat down with his kids before and after to explain to them what was happening, ask them how they were feeling, and reinforce that they could at anytime set boundaries around what they were comfortable with.
Everything seemed to be going well. They were both always positive, and even told BM how much they liked me and how nice I was. We know this because she told DH.
After a year of dating I moved in. Again, the kids were part of the discussion and expressed nothing but positivity. We’re now coming up on the 1 year mark of living together and massive behavioural problems have emerged with SS11. He does not like our house because there were rules (bedtime, video game constraints, vegetables, chores) and it’s boring. I am being specifically targeted for changing his father into someone who is no fun. SS11 does not want me here.
The problem I am personally struggling with is, he won’t say anything to us - only BM. DH has tried talking wth him 1-1 on numerous occasions and SS11 will only say he’s bored but does want to be here, and that nothing else is wrong. Upon further investigation we have learned that he is lying to and misleading BM about what goes on at our house - sharing only the negative, which often means only part of the story, a lot of exaggeration, and sometimes complete fabrication. To my face (and his father’s) SS11 is extremely nice and engaged with regards to how he feels about me, which is why I feel so blindsided.
I should mention that BM is very unsupportive of my relationship with DH. She has never said hello to me, let alone had a conversation. She actively tells the kids she doesn’t like me and ‘isn’t ready’ for me to be around. She also tells the kids she wishes their family was back together.
I will also say that I do not: talk badly about BM, try to parent or discipline the kids beyond very simple things I would say to a friend’s child (DH is very good about setting/reinforcing structure and acting as a strong parent), or over compensate to win the kids’ approval/acceptance. I do: listen to them and hold respectful conversations, encourage group activities as well as alone time for them and their father, say no and set boundaries. Obviously these lists aren’t comprehensive.
At this has left me very taken aback and at a loss. I suppose I’m looking for support. Or someone who went through something similar. I’m quite literally worried about everyone involved but feel quite powerless.
It seems to me that you have changed house rules
with DH's consent. Of course they blame you. You are in a position of authority, so they cannot say anything to you. Dad might consider famly counseling, with someone who will help his son find his voice. Of he might accept that as they get older, they will spend less time at his house.
I do understand
From a logical perspective why he blames me. I am also advocating for counselling. My parents divorced at the same age his split, and my SM arrived at the same age he was when I did. Counselling helped me and my brother a lot.
Emotionally I’m just sad because I put a lot of energy into putting the kids first. But as the commenter above noted, my perceptions and theirs are likely different.
This is common for kids who
This is common for kids who have parents who don't get along. He's playing both sides, and currying favor with BM by lying about you and DH. He senses that he she needs/wants his loyalty and she wants him to dislike you.
My SS did that all the time, though it wasn't directed at me, more at DH. He acted happy at our house and then told BM and attorneys and therapists that he hated DH and was terrified of him - eventually he just stopped coming over and we didn't see him for over 3 years.
I’m glad to not be alone
But I empathize with and am sorry for what you went through. I’ve read a ton of books and journals about step-parenting / blended families so I recognized this behaviour as somewhat common. It just doesn’t feel great to go through personally.
I’m trying to focus on supporting DH and making sure the younger SS feels heard and safe. Right now DH’s plan is to sit down with BM and SS11 to calmly let him know that wherever he wants to live is okay and his choice.
Seriously, why on earth is
Seriously, why on earth is your SO going to let an 11yr old make such an important life decision. I do not think that is wise. Further, why is he going to sit with BM and SS to do so? Family meeting? BM is no longer family and he is going to give her power that she will exploit.
I see your points
And they have crossed my mind, too. I guess to clarify a bit more, he’s not going to exit his life but rather give SS11 a chance to cool off. DH still plans to attend weekly soccer practices and games, to call and text. And our home is not closed to him at all.
I somewhat disagree that when parents divorce that family unit is gone. I think there are times when serious issues arise that call for both parents to be present for the discussion. I think this is one of those.
What unites them now is their love of their children, that has to mean working together sometimes.
I could be very misguided, I suppose.
This is a very bad idea
This is a very bad idea. An 11 year old does not get to choose where he wants to live. If DH lets him live full time with BM, that is only going to give her more time to convince him that you and DH are bad and that he should dislike you both. She is going to be able to reinforce all of her negative ideas and SS will not see any of the positives of being with his father.
Please get your DH to read up on alienation - that is what BM is doing by telling SS that she isn't ready for DH to move on and by saying, "she wishes their family was back together." That puts the kid in a terrible bind. He knows he must agree with his mother in order to keep her happy - so he tells her bad things about you because he knows that is what she wants to hear. He is ok when he is with you either because he wants to keep you happy as well, or because things really aren't that bad. You can't believe everything BM tells you - she is looking out for her happiness, not her child's welfare.
The problem is BM and probably always will be.
If you don't know about "parental alienation" I suggest your DH (and you) start reading up on it.
The comments BM have made are classic symptoms: She doesn't support her husband moving on with his life and relationships. She doesn't want to even acknowledge you in a polite way, but seeks to eliminate you by ostracising you. She overly tells the skids she doesn't like you, and tells them she wishes they were all one big happy family again.
While you are getting the brunt of it currently, it will also affect your DH's relationship with his sons (if it hasn't already) since I'm sure BM is bad-mouthing him, too. There is evidence of this already - SS has already learned to only report "bad" things that go on in your house to BM. That's by her design and manipulation. BM is looking for ammunition to use against the boy's father and you. Don't blame the boys for this behavior - blame BM. She's the one coaching them to look at your household negatively.
Your DH needs to nip this in the bud now. His sons can suffer some significant damage from this kind of psychological abuse. It will create loyalty binds with their mother, yet it will affect the boys' development by restricting or damaging their relationship with their father, and how they view relationships with women (other than mommy) in general. It will also negatively affect your relationship with your DH.
After reading up and educating himself on this, your DH should consider seeking some sort of mediator or family counselor if necessary - and look for one who has experience with parental alienation. He can learn strategies to communicate with his sons to try and combat this insidious form of child abuse. If he wants his sons to grow up in an emotionally healthy way, he owes it to them.
And don't expect BM to be a willing nor honest participant in any therapy, since she is basis for the problem. If I were your DH, I would not expect her to be cooperative with any kind of direct conversation with the children - she will only use it for her own unhealthy goals and it will backfire.
YES! 100% agree - and please
YES! 100% agree - and please see the comments I made in response on above posts!
Yep! You got it...
... and you've also identified the problematic posters (above and below) on StepTalk who others should be wary of.
I was waiting for someone to claim parental alienation
Dads wife or SO moves in, enforces rules. . Dad and Wife have to solve their own problems
It's not dad and wife. Dad
It's not dad and wife. Dad and EXwife are no longer a team. But EXwife is telling the kids she "wants her family back" and causing loyalty binds. It is 100% WRONG for her to be telling the children things like that.
If BM is whining to the kids
If BM is whining to the kids that she wants to be a family with Daddy again- the kids will always hate you.
The rules, the structure, all of that aside, your biggest issue here is that BM wants to get back with your husband. Now, we all know that it isn't going to likely happen and if it did it would be a failure. People don't just throw a marriage away because someone burnt supper.
Have you guys ever gone to therapy together? It really needs to be made clear that BM and your DH are never getting back together. Even if you weren't in the picture, it wouldn't happen. Nope, not ever.
Having standards of living in your home, as long as your DH is OK! Your home and BM's home don't have to have matching rules. It is nice when both homes are similar (I thank God that my exH and his wife are close to how DH and I raise my kids so that there aren't big issues from back and forths), but they don't have to be.
They have different rules in school than home right? They don't have to raise their hand to go to the bathroom? The don't only have 20 mins for lunch and it doesn't have to be at exactly 11:42? They can wear sleeveless shirts in the summer? -- They can adapt to different rules in different places. You just have to be consistent.
Sadly I have always known I
Sadly I have always known I was in for a losing battle as long as she is working against me. I’ve chosen to stay true to myself - which is to be kind, patient, and empathetic even when it’s hard.
When I made the decision to commit to DH I knew I was also committing to his kids. I was happy to make that choice.
A problem is the rules are very different - firm bedtime of 9 vs in bed around 9 but up as long as he wants on his phone or PlayStation from bed (no tv in his room here) - we cook healthy meals with consideration to their tastes vs eat whatever you want whenever you want - he hasnt shown his father he is mature enough to stay home alone vs he can stay home alone there when he doesn’t want to participate in family activities. The list goes on.
I really do see how differences that big are hard to go between.
And no, she cheated. Then left to continue the affair even though he expressed he was willing to forgive and work on the family. She left him with 45k in debt that he paid in 3 years, she didn’t contribute. He didn’t meet me for two years after she left.
BM is projecting her feelings onto her kids, & fortunately her
vote isn't even on the board. From this day forward she's nothing but background noise (like the teacher on Snoopy/Peanuts).She gave up her right to run her monarchy when she signed the dotted line to be divorced. They are only HALF her kids, but it is up to them to decide who they like or feel comfortable around.
As for SS going and talking about only the "negative" and I"m sure he is embellishing to appeal to BM, that must be nipped in the bud by HIS FATHER, not you.