Blamed for feeling like an outsider
I married my husband who has two young kids from his previous marriage. I feel like an outsider constantly and this feels lonely, even though I spend all of my spare time with my stepkids, cook for them, take them to eat, shopping etc, help them with homework, play with them etc. My husband is a very quiet guy and emotionally not the most affectionate man and can be distancing. My stepkids constantly talk about their bio mom (even though she only sees them once a week) she calls them nightly and will come and pick them up at our house. My husband and his kids love the same sports team as bio mom(she works for the one they support) and are always watching games for that team and cheering them on along with my husband Once when my stepson was faking sick my husband told me "I could leave" if I kept quesitoning him. He didnt have a fever and was laying in our bed all day playing computer games and watching tv and did not seem sick but got to miss school and cuddle with my husband in our bed. He also has defended his son when his son has done destructive things and turned on me and took up for his son when I suggested he discipline him. Another part of the problem is MIL. MIL is overly involved, overbearing in my husbands life. She is also very opinionated about me and spoils her grandkids and my husband. Whenever I question something my stepkids are doing or is their behavior is addressed properly she looks at me and says "do you feel ok" "did you get enough sleep?" as if the porblem is mine. My husband staunchly defends his mother and will also tell me what his mother thinks of me when she's had a good time with me or enjoyed the time we spent together, etc. that his mom had a good time with me (I don't care what she thinks, is that bad?"lol) Lately Ive become depressed and feel like an outsider. I regret moving in with him. He blames me for feeling this way and says we've been togther 5 years I should feel like his kids mom by now but I do not. I feel very much alone. No matter how much time I spend with them I do not feel they are my kids. They dont have any of my traits and are spoiled and whenever I try to parent I am undermined by him or his overbearing mother. Am I the crazy one?
-your husband needs to parent
-your husband needs to parent his kids a heck of a lot better
-your husband should not allow his son in your bed under any circumstances
-your husband should not allow his son to misbehave, fake sick, be destrcutive, etc and should be a united unit with you instead of defending his childs poor behavior
-his mother (MIL) needs to back the F off and get a life and stay out of her sons
-your husband needs ot set boundaries with his mother and is ex pronto
-the exes phone calls need to stop and she needs to stick ot her visitation schedule
-your husband should be considerate of you and what you want to watch on tv as well, what teams to support, etc. It's not just about him and his kids anymore.
-your husband is ignorant and needs to realize most stepmoms don't feel like the kids bio parents and never do no matter how much time they spend with them. In fact it only gets worse when the kids get older and misbehave even more and end up have deeper issues because of the coddling.
You feel like an outsider
You feel like an outsider because you are being treated like one by your H, his kids, and MIL. He thinks you should "feel" like their mother but when you put your 2 cents in he gets upset. So basically your good enough to cook, clean and watch his kids but not discipline them? He can't have it both ways. If he wants you to play mommy it has to be all the above and not be selective on what he deems is convenient for him.
Since this is an issue do not do anything else for his kids. What MIL thinks is not your concern and nor should you care. You are his wife and if H doesn't like what you think he should raise these kids with his mother and leave you out of it. You've been with this man for 5 years, don't waste another 5 feeling like a stranger in your own home. You don't have any children with him or anything to bond you with him......Place yourself first because he definitely does not have you as his priority.
People can post lots of stuff
People can post lots of stuff about what MIL, your DH and skids "should do" - but that is meaningless. They are going to do what they want to do and the only person you can change is you.
Accept what the situation is and quit trying to bend yourself into a pretzel doing stuff like this - " I spend all of my spare time with my stepkids, cook for them, take them to eat, shopping etc, help them with homework, play with them etc. "
Sounds like no one is going to waste one minute of their time doing anything for you - so you have to take on that responsibility. It doesn't mean that you never cook or do anything for them - but you do your stuff FIRST and IF you have leftover time then you can spend it on them if you care to.
Here's a fact - THESE ARE NOT YOUR CHILDREN AND NEVER WILL BE. No matter what your DH and MIL want to try to brainwash you into believing.
Your MIL sounds like a B*tch
Your MIL sounds like a B*tch and your DH doesn't sound like he gives a crap about you. Since he said you could leave you should start saving up your money and really leave. I'm sorry that you are going through this. That family sounds awful. No wonder you feel like an outsider.
You feel like an outsider
You feel like an outsider because you are one. Tell your husband to teach his kids some manners and respect and while he’s at it tell him to tell his mother to get a life of her own especially if she’s not going to be supportive of you and your marriage. Also remind him he is no longer married to his ex wife.
I’d take him up on his very
I’d take him up on his very kind offer of “I could leave”