Biological mother hell
So...
i am new to writing on forums however i feel like i really need some insight from other people in similar situations to myself, there is a awfully long story behind this situation as i have been with my now husband for 4 years and been in my step childs life since he was 6 months old, however i will skip to the most recent event that i want to know your thoughts on.
Febuary 2018 my husband was deployed for 5 and a half months in this time i made it very clear is stepsons mum needed any help to let me know and that i would like to keep the routine of his dads schedule on whilst he is away! i want my stepson to know that even when daddy isnt around or has to go to work quickly/for a long time we isnt going to be shipped back home, we are a family and he will always have me.
This started off well, she would ask me to have him extra times for her nail appointments, hair appointments, nights out, weekends away (which yes infuriates me that she spends minimal time with her child thats in full time nursery and passed piller to post however i get more time with him so i win in the long run) so we had weekends packed of things to do id sent her updates on how he is and when hes helped my bake / cook etc (most of the time i wouldnt get a reply, however it made me feel like i was doing what was best for the co parenting situation and keeping her happy - as there is nothing i can do if she stopped me seeing him i have no rights!
however when my husband returns she started kicking up about the fact she wants consistantsy for her son and routine, my husband has always had his son on military leave for longer periods, always had him every other weekend for 2 nights when hes able to do so - the ONLY time he has ever had to say no to her is when he is on exercise or deployed!
Fast forward to our wedding coming up - we continuously ask her to see him and that we would like him to be at our wedding (i even have the suit tailor made) but nope she blanks us! repeatedly...
His birthday... blanks us!
Christmas time ... blanks us!
Now shes going through mediation and is saying no access until my husband goes to this and sticks to a routine and schedule (Impossible hes a soldier)
Roll forward 8 weeks - shes agreed that my husband can facetime his son once a week when his parents have him however she continued to state that she has one term and condition about this...
I AM NOT ALLOWED TO BE THERE !!
Me?! the one thats cared / loved your child and helped anytime anyway i can!!
Her reason "It will be too upsetting" !?!?!?
My husband hasnt seen his son now for nearly a year!!! and ive seen him 5 months ago so how would it upset him seeing me? He always asks for me and talks about me!! what the hell is the big deal!
Any advise on how to deal with this? i am so angry!!
WHY
Also would love to know your opinions on WHY she is doing this
Boredom? Jealousy? Feminine
Boredom? Jealousy? Feminine inch? You will drive yourself crazy trying to understand the "why" of crazy.
What I don't understand is why hasn't your husband dragged her ass to court to enforce his rights?
Unfortunately we cant go to
Unfortunately we cant go to court until we have done mediation! they need to sign him off as mediation not working before the courts will agree to take our case.. and she keeps setting mediation dates when she knows he is deployed so shes trying to set him up to fail ! its all long winded and we just wanna see him!
shes young shes immature we both know that! however times so precious we have now missed out on one of his birthdays and my husbands devastated!
We dont know anyone else in this situation to point us in the right direction to speed it all up either!
DH needs an tourney to make
DH needs a lawyer to make sure the next mediation date is feasible.
She messed up and now you are
She messed up and now you are getting married to her paycheck.
Sorry, dealing with the same thing. The PAS ramped to 100 once DH and I got married. She has tried to block me from everything but DH keeps giving me access. It is all frustrating and heartbreaking.
Why is this still in mediation? Your stbDH needs to get in front of a judge.
My DH is navy and my exH is AF. In my custody order with my children's father we have a special military provision that states that any TDY, Deployment or Military exercise that takes place during scheduled visits will not be held against the military member and any missed parenting time will be allowed liberal make up time. -- We have never had an issue with this, we co-parent very well but I thought I would pass along this verbiage to you. A judge would likely agree with it if it went to court.
We got married last year in
We got married last year in september - this is when she seemed to rank up her immaturity and craziness!
Apparently if someone failed to commit to a mediation appointment without reason it would have gone to court by now but because its due to his deployments they just keep postponing the dates! this next one they have suggested isnt until JUNE!
His lawyer needs to step up
His lawyer needs to step up and stop the mediation. The child is being alientated and either the current terms of visitation are not being allowed or there are no terms so this needs to end.
He needs an attorney - now.
He needs an attorney - now.
She's trying to cut him out of his child's life and doing a fine job using the system to help her.
It was the wedding that
It was the wedding that kicked up the jealousy..... we experienced the exact same thing and now DH is fully alienated from his kids. We spent more money than I would like to mention fighting it all in court- but unfortunately even with that she won’t listen to ANY court orders and they won’t give her big enough penalties.
To me it sounds like the wedding was the trigger and from what I read that is fairly common.
Thank you for saying that!
Thank you for saying that! its what i have been thinking for a long time however when it comes from someone else i dont think im going insane!
There is no reasoning with people that dont want to be reasoned with! We are going to get some more legal advice this weekend see what we can action ASAP as june isnt good enough!
Her jealousy of the family unit we can offer him is effecting his rights to having both parents in his life! shes doing far more harm than she will ever admit! turn Golden Uturus comes to mind!
OK so basically the court
OK so basically the court will take a very dim view of this - on both sides. Your DH needs to get his act together and be proactive with agreeing dates for mediation including suggesting dates to the mediation service. Once you get that sorted out then you'll be able to agree holidays and they should take his active duty status into account.
Her requests for consistency aren't unreasonable but the way she is playing hardball is. But if they were never married, my understanding is he doesn't have much grounds until the court finalises the agreement. You just need to suck up the solo facetime and let your husband do that. And your husband needs to go to mediation with suggested dates himself.
And finally the 'family unit' you can offer doesn't mean anything to her. You are not this child's mother no matter how good you are to this kid. And frankly if she dropped dead tomorrow you still wouldn't be this child's mother.
My DH has suggested dates
My DH has suggested dates whenever he is in the country and available to do so and she says no, so hes trying his best with a very active deployment this year,
I never said she has asked for consistency, his son gets that - DH always asks for school reports, how he is, if he has any hospital appts, dental appts, school appts, there isnt a week that goes by where she does not get communication to check he is doing ok regardless of if she choices to reply or not. so therefore consistency is there. she is asking for a weekly set time and date that my DH picks his son up every week, which is impossible for military personnel!
i have been in SS life since he was 6 months old, and had just as much communication with BM as my DH and always have put the effort in to make sure she knows i know she is his mother.
I kept out of decisions - she told me i was rude for not involving myself - yet i told her they are his parents im just here to support not have any say in anything!
i then make sure im involved and also text her to see how he is and if he needs anything or she needs us to help with anything - that was right in her eyes when DH wasnt around but when he is around its wrong.
I cant do right for wrong - my position in this is just the supporter and i want to make sure my husband sees his child.
Before the wedding she would only let me facetime her son to pass on to my DH that SS was ok - so as you can see its not clear what she actually wants us to do! you cant score a goal if someone is moving the damn goal post
Sweety
You write like you are hyperventilating. Im sorry you are going through this absolute crazines. You are the "fill in the blanks until we can parent" person. That is hard. It sounds like you really love your SS. Thats great! It sounds like he loves you back, as much as he is allowed to. Wonderful!
The BM is quite frankly, probably jealous AF. They way she sees it, as long as you played babysitter you were ok, but NOW, you have captured her exes heart and her sons heart and that is simply unacceptable. Pure and simple. She is jealous. You cannot do anything right. You are right in that. Why? She is jealous. What does she want you to do? Die, move away, divorce, whatever. So, that is what you are dealing with, for the rest of your marriage.
Here is a glimpse into my experience: I met Munchkin SD12 (shes kinda short, and was a little person and I am bio-free so she was like the munchkins to me) when she was around 8ish. She and I would hang out, while I was going through my "under employment", and have always had a great relationship. Munchkin herself told me that her mother was sad about me, and that she sometimes got angry if my name was mentioned. So it went. And then more recently, last year, Toxic Troll BM filed for child support. In her paperwork, she wrote things such as "the live in is buying my own daughter clothes and I should be the one buying her clothes" as the reason why she was filing child support. It went on and on, with me being blasted because I would take Munchkin to the park, out to lunches, on little day trips, buy her things.
She was flat out jealous that some other woman was enjoying time with HER daughter. But the rub here is that she HAD the opportunity to do all these things, she simply never did them. When she went on trips it was with her boyfriend. When she bought clothes it was for herself. I save money buying clothes at goodwill and thrift stores. This one old stretched out sweater I bought for 7 bucks, I gave to Munchkin SD, because I was noticing it was getting cold and she needed something. Guess what she has been wearing almost every day recentl? Yup, that $7 sweater! Honestly with all the flak we have gotten because I do things for HER daughter.
So, when things happened, with going to court etc. I just toldMunchkin "you know what - I know your mother gets mad if I do things for you and buy things for you, but Im not going to stop - just keep it between us, so your father doesnt get flak from your mother about it". Recently though I am changing my tune. I told Munchkin that she no longer needs to hide the fact I do for her. Dont make a point of mentioning it, but if it comes up, you dont have to hide anymore.
The advice here is very solid. Get through this, get the custody order in place. Hopefully the judge will support your DH being a father and not just a sperm donor ATM, like so many seem to.
Can the military help?
Is there anyone in the military that can help your DH? It doesn't seem right that she can keep scheduling mediation when he is not available due to military obligations.
Also, don't try and use the idea that you and DH can provide some sort of "family unit" that BM can't as any sort of an argument when it comes to custody. I know judges in the US wouldn't like the idea and I would think it would be the same in the UK.
The military will help once
The military will help once we get to court it’s just the getting there bit that is taking so long it’s heartbreaking for DH!
Shes the one that’s used the term “family unit” we never did, I’ve never even used the term SS in front of her because it contains the word son so know she wouldn’t appreciate that.
she sent a very long abusive message which contained “now your married im guessing you think you can provide a family unit for MY son, think again, I would rather him go without than have “daddy and stepmom” providing MY son”
this is why we say she seems to be threatened by this, as it’s odviously on her mind! Yet when it was her telling SS to call her now ex boyfriend daddy it was her saying “ we have a family unit here and he has a routine, he doesn’t need anything more”
trust me when I say I have tried all aspects of ways to approach this situation with her whilst doing and respecting her in a way I think I would what If it was the other way around.
Today shes gone as far to say to my DHs parents that DH needs to choose me or his son, until he does that he’s not seeing his son! This is madness! I don’t want to be the reason behind him not seeing his child! I’ve always done all I can to promote a relationship with them, days out together always followed with just daddy and son time as I know how important it is!
Is your Dh deployed currently
Is your Dh deployed currently?
Can your Dh do the mediation via face time? If not, why not?
"Roll forward 8 weeks - shes agreed that my husband can face time his son once a week when his parents have him however she continued to state that she has one term and condition about this...
I AM NOT ALLOWED TO BE THERE !! "
Is your DH going ahead and doing the weekly face time with his son regardless if you can be physically present during the interaction or not? If not, he absolutely should be.
How did your Dh's parents (child's grandparents) manage to get weekly visits with the child?
DH have asked for Skype
DH have asked for Skype mediation but they are saying it needs to be in person.
Of course he is! It was never a doubt about that before I even knew about these terms I said I’d make sure I’m busy so he has time alone with his son, it’s just the fact she is making it his son or me. That’s not fair nor should she get away with it.
I keep telling my DH I will walk away for his sons sake but like he said why should he be miserable until every other weekend when he will be allowed his son??
we have known each other for 9 years it’s not something we went into lightly and nor is our relationship something we will walk away from but this boy comes first.
As for DHs parents, she lives two doors up from them and her parents won’t help her look after him so they do