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Bio mom's behavior

moonstruckone's picture

I am new here and am a step parent to two girls (ages 7 and 9). I am posting this because my husband's ex wife currently has full custody of his daughters and he only has weekend visitation while is fine with me. Because of my husbands career he was fine with this immediately after their divorce because he was allowed to see his daughter's as often as he liked. However after his ex began dating that changed. Lately he has been thinking about fighting for joint or full custody because his exes behavior has raised some red flags. I am silently hoping he does not have a leg to stand on however he believes he can get either joint or full custody if he hires a good enough attorney. I really do not want to be a full time or part time parent to his daughters as having them on the weekends occasionally is enough for me with work and everything else I have going on. What do you all think of his exes behavior and do you think he stands a chance of getting custody because of these reasons. Here is what she has been doing that has raised red flags: Immediately after their divorce bio mom was in a relationship with a man she met online for several years who would occasionally stay over. All things considered he seemed like a normal guy with a good career but he never moved in with her and they broke up. That relationship recently ended and she is now immediately in another relationship with another man she met online who lived out of state until recently. He recently moved in with her and her daughters and she has known him for not even six months. She posts photos online of him in bed with her and her daughters snuggling and in one photo her daughter on the her own bed giving him a massage playing "spa day" with him. Her new bf also posts frequently on his own facebook about her daughters being "his kids" and "his family" (he has known them for not only 6 months and they are not his kids). Very odd behavior. They are already engaged to be married. During Covid bio mom would not allow my husbands parents, who never left their house during the shutdown unless it was to go to the grocery store at non busy times, to see their granddaughters yet she had this new guy living there with them! He moved from hundreds of miles away and moved in with her and her daughters during Covoid when she hasnt even known him 6 months. My husband was furious. On top of that this new guy does not seem to have a legit job, posts very frequenlty on social media about extreme political beliefs, keeps posting about the girls being "his kids" and how he is going to raise his daughters (again they are not his and he has known those girls for not even 6 months) to be "woke" and we both suspect he smokes dope. Do you think my husband has a good case to get full custody of his girls? And WTH is wrong with Bio mom?

relationshipguru's picture

I do not know if your husband has a good case to get full custody. His lawyer would know more on that. As far as what is wrong with birth mom? She is trash. Complete and utter trash. Your husband and her other ex could give you some more insight into this. I feel sorry for those girls and you.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

No, this is not enough for him to get full custody. He might be able to increase his custody time - but the arguement needs to be why the girls would benefit from spending more time with their dad, not why they shouldn't spend time with BM and her boyfriend. I get why none of what BM has done is good parenting, and why your DH is upset, but it is not enough for him to get full custody. Have your DH consult with a local lawyer and see what they say.

Aunt Agatha's picture

Courts aren't going to care unless maybe if he's a registered sex offender who is not to be around kids.

DH could go for more frequent visitations, but I'd think the focus should be on wanting to spend more time with the kids, not because  has a boyfriend he doesn't approve of.  
 

Then expect to spend $10k or more easily on the court case.  Maybe he will get some additional weekends and more time during breaks.  But most courts won't take the kids away from their mom when the dad has not consistently shown he has been trying to get more time with the kids.  That it becomes an issue when BM gets a new BF could just as easily look like jealousy on your BF parts to the court.

Swim_Mom's picture

I think you need to not be silent on this. You DH should not be doing this without consulting you. I agree his ex sounds nuts and don't even get me started on that "woke" shit, but this does not give him the right to 1) spend thousands on legal fees to pursue this...even if your money is not combined, it still would impact your retirement together 2) not discuss with you something that would impact your life and home. 

Dogmom1321's picture

This is a serious conversation you and DH need to have. Financially, court takes a HUGE toll. Tens of thousands, even if he has that kind of money to use leisurely, the emotional roller coaster is too much for many. 

IMO, the courts will not care what kind of BF the BM has. Unless there is CONCRETE proof that BF is a sex offender, BM is on drugs, etc. they will not do anything. 

When we went to court, DH argued the SAME case. SD got left home ALONE, she claimed BF drank excessively, they did not have enough bedrooms in the house for the children, etc. things you WOULD think would never fly. They do. BF basically got a slap on the wrist and was told to not drink "excessively" around the kids. Social services HELPED BM find a new house to rent. Since she convinced the judge she was "making an effort" that is all that mattered. There has to be substanial evidence to reduce the other persons parenting time. 

I would talk to DH about things you CAN and CAN'T control at BM house. He might be total trash, but that is BM choice who she wants to date. You don't get to interview. I would also have the honest discussion about how weekends WORK for you. Would HE be willing to take time off work, maybe even change jobs, to be home more with SK if the custody arrangement changed? My answer is probably no. Most of these DH "fight" for more time with their kids, but end up putting the burden/responsibility on the steps. That is why so many of us have to disengage. Focus on making your home a positive environment and enjoying SK while they are with you. Also, take into consideration how the SK feels. Would they be devastated if they spent less time with BM? Would she spin it into "you're taking my child from me?" All of this leads to more drama with the BM, more communication with her, and more of a headache. Think long and hard about this one. 

simifan's picture

Courts are not going to care about this stuff. Once you have custody, you only lose it for neglect, abuse and far too rare - not following the court order repeatedly. The court will tell you these are "parenting differences". Not to mention, if BM and BF are married by the time you get to court, they are family and its a non issue. 

 

Your bigger problem is you are letting your SO contemplate going to court for custody without letting him know how you feel. Why are you afraid to express yourself in your relationship? 

ndc's picture

None of what you've described will shift custody.  If you are in a state where the norm is 50/50, he might be able to get 50/50 physical custody, or at least some more visitation, especially if you live close to BM so that it would be logistically reasonable.

You need to have a frank conversation with him about YOUR wishes and his expectations of you if he does get the kids for more time.  That should be done before he starts down this path, not after more custody is a fait accompli.  Also you need to think about the financial ramifications, as going to court (especially with a good lawyer) is going to take a while and be expensive.  Do you have separate finances?  Does he have significant resources to finance the court battle on his own?  Is CS in play such that BM will fight hard not to lose it?

moonstruckone's picture

Yes we have discussed finances into great detail. We currently have seperate bank accounts and we do not plan on changing that. He pays over 1000 a month in child support to BM and that is why. I also work full time and believe the reason our relationship works is because I do not have to see his daughters very often (when he does see them I am usually working). I have not told him this obviously because I do not want to hurt his feelings. His daughters are not bad kids but I do not want to be a full time stepmom. I do not understand how people do it. Raising other people's kids is not for me.

Winterglow's picture

But that's just it - it's not your job to raise these children, it's your husband's job as their father. A stepmom is not a substitute mother - if his kids are there more often, it's up to him to be present too. They are not coming to your home to see you, they're coming to see their father. Explain that to him. You are not his unpaid babysitter.

Dogmom1321's picture

If he wants more custody so he doesn't have to pay child support, that is ridiculous. He needs to file a motion to modify CS.

Newsflash* - if he were to get MORE time (very unlikely) expenses in your house WILL go up. Groceries for SK, electric, water, more clothing, etc. Don't let him forget the RESPONSIBILITY of schooling. With the possibility of homeschooling, would he be willing to take time off work to accomodate the school schedule? Even simply transportation to and from school. He may think he is "saving money" by not paying as much CS, but he will end up spending the SAME amount if the SK is living at your house full time. 

ldvilen's picture

Piggybacking on this. . . Yes, don't make the mistake of thinking just because finances are seperate you won't be forking out the dough for someone else's children.  You will regardless.  I have never had a problem with my DH's child support or even chipping in by the by; yet, over the 12 years he paid child support, there were many items that got added to my plate financially (that I'll never get any credit for) simply because DH was short on cash.  In a marriage, you cannot nor should you really use math to "divide," because marriage isn't supposed to be about dividing.  If one married partner is short on cash flow, the other is expected to pick up.  Now, technically this is supposed to be give and take in a marriage or even living with an SO.  However, If DH has children and you have none, for instance, logistically you'll be doing 75% of the giving and he'll be doing 75% of the taking, due to 1 of you and let's say 3 that go along with DH (him and two kids, for example).  Even if it is just EOWE, over 12 years that would equal about 2 solid years of living with the kids.

But, again, I'm not big on math.  I'm just big on not getting my a$$ whipped just for doing my best to make my marriage with my DH work and trying to treat his kids as guests when they are in my home.  I'm not big at having my marriage to my DH denied either, just because he has children from a previous relationship.  To me, it is the continual a$$ whuppings that you receive just for being there, for having the label SM, that makes step-parenting so God awlful!  

ldvilen's picture

Raising other people's kids in a step-parenting sense is not for anyone, really.  There is usually zero recognition from anyone for the work you do, and if anything, you will be blamed for near all of the negative fallout from the divorce.  I always say, as a giving person, I could have perhaps handled the minimal, if any, recognition.  But, the scapegoating and the finger-pointing and denial of your role as dad's wife that goes on. . .  Cripes!  You know.  Yeah, for me being a step-parenting basically means you are supposed to put up with abuse from the initial family and smile while they are doing it, and even then, your big thanks will more than likely be to be slapped with the Evil SM label.  The SM role as it currently exists is not for anyone, other than true masochists.

Winterglow's picture

So put it another way. Ask him how he's going to manage their extra presence with all the extra work that entails (laundry, supervising hygiene, bedtime routines, occupying them during the day, helping with homework, etc.) because that is HIS job and his kids will be there to see HIM not his wife. You are his wife, not their mother. Either way, you HAVE to tell him how you feel and, trust me, his feelings will be a lot less hurt than when you leave because you can't stand the situation any more ...

Rumplestiltskin's picture

It sounds like the pattern they established in the beginning was that the CO said he had them only on weekends but mom let your husband come and go when he wanted to see them. Now that she has a boyfriend, the boyfriend likely doesn't want her ex coming and going at (what to him seems like) random.

I was in the situation of mom's boyfriend. I get that. My SO had a similar arrangement with his ex wife where the BM would not want to be responsible for the kids, but she would come visit them every other day and hang out with them at his house, or pick them up for a few hours or a day here and there (he also continued to pay her CS like she had them 50/50, but that's his business.)

When he and i started dating, it was like she was still the "lady of the house" and she was also rude to me. I was not comfortable being at his house with this arrangement. That's the problem, IMO, with not having a CO that adequately reflects the needs/desires of all parties, and basing your visitation arrangement on whether or not the bioparents are in relationships.

I think that if you and your husband want 50/50, you guys should work to have the CO changed to reflect that, and it should be followed. That gives everyone involved some stability and predictability in their lives, instead of basing the custody on the feelings and convenience of the bioparents.

I don't think what you describe proves her to be unfit in the eyes of a court, though. If you don't want 50/50, you should make that known. Otherwise you are at the mercy of what your husband and his ex (and the court) decide, and it's your home and your life too. Your feelings should matter. 

Rags's picture

I see nothing that would motivate a court to change custody if BM contests it.  However, it is not unlikely that he would gain more visitation time if he did initiate court action.

I would sit your SO down and tell him you are not interested in a change in custody or a change in the amount of time the Skids visit.

Be firm, be direct and be ready to find a place of your own if he fails to hear what you are saying.

As infuriating as the new daddy at mom's place may be for your SO, political beliefs, FB posts, etc, etc, etc.... are not particularly important to a Judge if there are no behaviors that are overtly harmful to the kids.

Dad has no say in Mom's relationships and home just as Mom has no say in Dad's relationships and home.

You may suggest to SO that he initiate a deep background check on the new BF at BM's house with a PI firm.  If anything notable is found, that might give him some leverage to influence changes in what is happening at BM's house.  Keeping in mind that this information may also increase SO's odds of gaining custody.

Blended family life is full of the double edged sword situations.  Management of that type of information is critical.

nappisan's picture

whoa i wouldnt intertwine yourself with this man anymore than nessecary,,, his past is always going to haunt you.  You need to express how you feel about him trying to get full custody of his children ,, be 100% honest and open about how you feel,,, if he is a good man , he will take on board your feelings and work with you on this,,, if he dismisses you,, RUN