Background: boyfriend's daughter (almost 10 yrs.old) spent a month out at our house this summer. she also comes out for spring break and sometimes xmas. Now that she has gone back to mom's everyone is sorting out how the visit this summer went and so forth. This was pretty much the first that FSD saw my BF and i reinforce any real rules/ chores..(most other visits were too short to give her chores to do, etc.) Of ocurse its going to take FSD a while to get used to her father not being disney land dad anymore and that she has to help out and do things for herself. Also, her mom has been having trouble with her attitude in the past year.... So, BM and BF are constantly emailing/messenging back and forth about what the latest argument was with FSD.

So, BF was telling me how him and BM were talking about how "i (myself, FSM) dont' have kids of my own so i am not used to parenting and this is all new to me" .

(keep in mind that i watch children as a second job, have been a nanny in college and practically was a second mother to my brothers growing up. obviously that is not the same as having a child of your own to take care of 24-7... but i think i have a little more expereince with kids than the average working girl).

I was happy to hear they weren't completely putting down my parenting skills and style..... but honestly.. a little defensive... as most people get when criticized (even if its constructive).
here are some exmaples of situations that occurred when the kid was out:
- we (BF and I) agreed upon certain chores for her to do. When she got here and we went over them with her, she said she "didn't want to take the garbage out cuz its gross". (Of course its gross , its garbage but someone has to do it!). i don't think we would ask her to do something that is too much for her age. And, my BF agreed (in front of her without discussing it with me alone first) that HE would do that chore for her, errrrr!

-Then as the summer progressed... she wouldn't do some chores.. and i would come home and ask her to do it , then Dad would make an excuse for her.

-Another example was when I asked her to help out with dinner one night (another one of her daily chores), she made up some story about how her dad won't let her use a knife, so she couldn't to cut up veggies for dinner...
i ask him, and he states that he never said that, basically she manipulated me into letting her not help with dinner.

Now i ask you..... what about my parenting skills is off? following thru on chores that we all agreed FSD would do?
nicely asking FSD to pick up after herself or help out with dinner? i don't understand.
And i ask BF this question... and he has no answer, says that " i have to find a way of communicating with FSD that works for both of us". ummm ok?

Part of me feels that BF and BM are using me as some excuse ("oh she's not used to FSM yet") for when their kid acts bratty or lazy instead of using soem tough luv and making her get off her booty and help out.

Sometimes when i talk to BF about this he understands and doesnt' get defenisve. But alot of the time he thinks i am ragging on his kid and that i don't like her or something. which is NOT true.
All i am trying to do is help her grow up with manners, kindness and independance...
And what scares me is what if we have a kdi someday......i sure as hell don't want my kid growing up not abel to do anything for themselves or not having any manners...