"the best daughter a father could ask for"...
Forums:
Today is my SD's birthday... she turned 31. On FB, my husband posted "Happy birthday to the BEST daughter a father could hope for"
Um, I have two daughters... 23 and 13. Okay, they're not perfect, but we're all friends on FB...and how are MY daughters supposed to feel?
He has over the years said that he doesn't like to use the term "step" daughter when he talks about the kids... that they're not mine and his, they're OURS...
WTF? so I guess the "other" daughters aren't the best daughters a father could hope for?
tell that to THEIR Dads....
Do I need a reality check? I don't want to over-react to this, but I'm hurt, and I imagine that maybe my daughters will be hurt when they see this too
Honestly, I see this a lot.
Honestly, I see this a lot. I'm guessing he didn't even think about it and I'm hoping they won't either. I wouldn't be shocked if he put the same exact thing up when it was their Birthday's. This would be yet another pit fall of facebook...back in the day when you would have just said it in a card, nobody got to/had to sit around and over analyize your every word. If your daughters are hurt, it might be a particularly good time to break the news to them that often men don't think a lot about what they say and how it will make others feel. Sorry, but most just aren't as "deep" as us.
All the "kids" in question
All the "kids" in question are adults. Id say just let it go. Ultimately your bds are not his daughters. As much as everyone wants to pretend and put on the face of one big family, facts are facts.
But ultimately, saying something nice about one girl on her birthday shouldn't be taken as a slight towards the other girls. They aren't 6yrs old, where every little phrase should be cause for hurt feelings.
Should he have written, happy birthday to bd, one of the three greatest daughters a dad could hope for?
My youngest is 13 and she
My youngest is 13 and she takes EVERYTHING personally...(it's the hormones)
maybe I'm putting myself in her shoes a little too much, I don't know.
I'm a step-kid, and I guess I was lucky that I never felt slighted in any way from my step parents.
My step-mom especially would say things like "I have four beautiful daughters" none of us were ever singled out as "the best daughter"
Ughhhh. I doubt he did it on
Ughhhh. I doubt he did it on purpose, but yes by writing the word “BEST” he has established winners and degrees of losers in a family. I think that kind of mistake comes when someone really is at a loss for words or couldn’t be arsed to think up a personalized sentiment so they chuck out a platitude without considering possible outcomes.
Talk to him about it, so he can begin thinking now about how to recover (if needed) from his fumble. It is these kinds of “little things” in stepfamilies that eventually tip the teapot when too many are added over time.
Hope that helps!
I don't think this is an
I don't think this is an issue for blended families alone, I had a younger sister and either of us would have been upset to have been called the "best daughter." Instead my mother had terms of endearment for both of us, she called me her "first born baby girl," and my sister something equally sweet and unique.
And I second the "favorite X year old" - I use that with almost all of my nieces and nephews because I would never single one out as being my "favorite niece"
It can be an issue with any
It can be an issue with any family.
I let all of my daughters know that they are my favorite. Yes I actually tell each of them that they are my favorite and not to tell their sisters! They all get the same and they can choose to keep it to themselves or tell each other.. There has never been any bickering over I told so-and-so the same thing!
I do not believe he meant to be hurtful to his SDs... Just because he stated to his BD that she is the "best"... doesn't mean the others can't be the "best" either.
Yeah, I had two "best"
Yeah, I had two "best" friends as a kid. Why can't dh have 3 best daughters. I guess I just don't see this any different than say, a worlds best mom mug...... It's not like the giver/user is actually implying that they are superior to all other mothers.
My mother has SIX children
My mother has SIX children (all bio) & has said on different occasions that one or the other of us is "the BEST/PERFECT/MOST BEAUTIFUL/HANDSOME (add in any other praisy words you can think up) son/daughter EVER"...she used to say it on the phone, now she has facebook. Those of us who are NOT being praised certainly don't take it personally.
I think your DH should be able to say these things without the others feeling "slighted"...I'm sure that he treats your BD13 & BD23 fantascially & does special things on/for their birthdays, right? If he didn't, you would have mentioned it.
He’s never called either of
He’s never called either of my girls “the best daughter” and (sadly) has gone a long way in putting this daughter of his on a pedestal to EVERYONE~
“she was the perfect baby, she never cried… I NEVER had a problem with “daughter” when she was a teenager, she ALWAYS did her homework, ‘daughter’ NEVER talked back when she was a teen, ‘daughter’ started babysitting when she was thirteen she used to save enough money to buy HER OWN clothes, ‘daughter’ was the first sophomore captain of the track team, ever, and there’s never been a sophomore captain since”
We ALL know how perfect his daughter is,
It’s not his daughters’ fault that he does this, so I don’t have any problem with her, she really has always been a good person, but COME ON with the ‘perfection’ crap. I can just roll my eyes, but I think after a while, it starts to wear on the rest of the kids
I’ve had to remind him that telling the girls how PERFECT daughter is, is not a motivational tool to make the younger daughters want to be JUST as perfect… it comes off as a comparison, “she’s perfect, YOU’RE NOT”
He may not intend it that way… but that doesn’t discount how it can make the other kids feel. (SS lashed out about it once, I got to see that side of the kid who feels he’s ‘not perfect’)