YES. A year ago, I told fdh that he had to go visit his kid else where. Which pretty much meant at FMIL's house, who is basically raising the kid anyway. The kid lives there, and was coming to my house EVERY WEEKEND. Well, 2 years later enough was enough. Want to salvage what is left of our relationship fdh? Then take your kid and stay THERE on the weekends.

I was close to staying in a hotel every time my SS8 showed up. Husband basically doesn't have any family (not even bio kid) so either he was going with the brat to a hotel or I was. I felt it was easier for me to do it. But thankfully it didn't get to that point (yet, lol). Right around that time which was April, we moved due to DH job transfer. I thought that was going to solve some of my issues but apparently 4 hours is not far enough to stop the BM from pushing her Oopsie on us as often as possible. So by June I was going to stay somewhere else PERMANENTLY! Lol Again, didn't get to that point and this Month has actually been the best of our whole marriage. And it's not unnoticed that it's the first Month we haven't had the SS8 at all!

I think if it came to Husband not believing you and strolling in with the kid, maybe You should go just to show him how much you will not be around the kid if it's that much trouble? I don't know how inconvenient it would be but for me, I was willing to do anything necessary to get away from the toxic environment that's created when that kid is here.

Does your DH pay any bills in your home? Cuz if so, this has to be the most disrespectful thing I could think of for you to do to him.

I know, FOR DAMN SURE, if my DH tried to "send me away" to see my children, I'd slap his happy ass with divorce papers that day.

If a situation in your own home becomes so untenable that the only solution is to remove the stressor, then that's what you have to do. Fortunately my stressor was old enough to make the decision not to come to our home on her own, so I didn't have to give that ultimatum (but I was getting DAMN close).

However, when I was pregnant with DD2, I had to keep SD away from me. I was on pelvic bedrest, had pre-eclampsia, and a breech baby. Her lies, theatrics, manipulation, and grating voice were literally making me sick. The end of it was when she got in my face, threatening me in a violent and frightening way, and I was eight months pregnant. DH protected me without hesitation, and with vengence. I was hospitalized for almost 48 hours after the confrontation to stop the onset of labor. He knew immediately that SD could not be in the same vicinity as me again, at least while I was vulnerable and near my breaking point. He never brought up the idea of her coming to our home. He knew she had passed the point of no return with me, and he facilitated a few visits with her, alone, in public places.

I put all of that behind us when she truly seemed to want our closeness back. I gave my whole heart to her, again, without thinking twice. Should have thought twice.

If your DH can't understand why things need to be this way, he needs to see YOU. He's either not looking at what's happening to you, or just doesn't want to see it. You have no control over what's happening to your life because of BM and her spawn, and it's not petty things they're messing with. This is a total sabotage of your entire life. You shouldn't have to deal with this just because you love a man that has a child with someone else. That's scary and dangerous. Good luck, I really hope that your husband had his listening ears on the other night. Incredibly disrespectful and dismissive if he shows up with SS at your home. If he doesn't agree with what you've asked of him, he should at least be man enough to talk it through, HELP you come up with alternatives, and find common ground. Choosing to ignore what you're experiencing is not how things are resolved. All he's asking for by acting that way is broken trust and resentment. It isn't YOU that created this dynamic, and you have a responsibility to yourself to be healthy, happy, and successful. No one else can do that for you, but they can certainly create the opposite for you.

Good luck with this - I liked ClearlyanUpgrade's reply. It nearly reached a point where I was going to ask DH to do this, ie meet SDs elsewhere, as I was so stressed out by them. I think he would have agreed, too, as he realised I was at breaking point. However, things are a little calmer now. Will be interested to know how things go from here, he has somewhere to be with his son - MIL's, so I don't see any reason he can't do this.

I have often wondered if this would help us. The SD is a spoiled demanding brat that is good as long as no one tells her no. My son and I have made plans to "be out of town" this weekend, but there are fall festivals I would like my soon to be DH and I to go to.
So, my stubborn streak has said bull poop. He and I are going and if she cuts up she can sit in the car. Not going to let 4 days a month ruin our relationship. Still have my heels dug in that I will not be a personal chef this weekend. Cereal and sandwiches will have to do. I will cook supper but that's it.

The most obvious thing I'm getting from the content of all the posts on this topic, (and most other threads as well) is that the SM's have tried, and tried, and tried again to find a solution other than "banning" skid from the house. It goes without saying that the bulk of the SP's on this site are here because we CARE about our DH/DW's, and their kid(s), and we're killing ourselves with the anxiety and efforts of getting to that blissful (albeit elusive) place of cohesive blended family status.

We all have our own roadblocks on the way to that "dream"; whether it be a crazy BM that lays on the PAS, an assh*le skid, an unsupportive DH, meddling in-laws and other extended "family" members, or a combination of all of the above. The SM especially is crippled in these situations, because we want to fix and give our love, yet we have very little power or "rights" to do so. In reality, we are the modern equivalent of Sysiphus pushing the proverbial boulder up the hill, only to have it all come crashing down again when we finally start to feel peace. And then we start pushing all over again, this time a bit worse for the wear and weakened. (I have equated it with being emotionally disabled...hypothetically speaking, I am now Sysiphus hauling my boulder of pain up a Everest sized mountain while in a wheelchair and blinded.)

There have been very few situations that I have exerted more effort for, and have received less recognition for than step-parenting. I LOVE my SD. She will always carry a piece of my heart (and occupy a large space in my brain). To the detriment of my own health, marriage, bio kids, and personal values, I have fought long and hard for SD. For what? Hopefully it will all be for something at some point, right now it seems all in vain.

I would venture to say that very rarely would a SM/SD make a unilateral decision to exclude their skid(s) from their home without major provocation, legitimate reasoning, and extreme duress. I certainly didn't want it to be this way. Again, I LOVE MY SD. I have helped in raising her since age one. I want success, a strong, loving relationship with her father (and my bios, her 1/2 sibs), emotional health, and many other positive things for her. But I can't MAKE her act in healthy ways. Her modus operandi (when the going gets tough), is to bail out on whoever she deems is standing between her and what she wants (and it's usually something material). Through her BM, she has been taught that if someone "loves" you, they will continue to chase you, beg for you to grace them with your presence, no matter how badly you treat them. And if the person doesn't play that BS game, then they don't love you, and they're an abusive deadbeat. That prepares her for real world experiences HOW?

It sucks all the way around, because all I want is for my SD to OPEN HER F*CKING EYES!! We DID fight for her, we DID chase her, we DID eat crow (when we'd done very little wrong), just to have her back in our lives, just to be shafted and sh*t on EVERY damn time.

It takes a LOT for an otherwise happy and sane person to get to a point where they feel the only choice is to keep the skid out of their home and personal space. This type of action is very rarely a "first resort". And even after that decision has been made, it's still hurtful and conflicting to the SP, who still holds out hope for a peaceful "someday".

Reallife...I really hope that your DH doesn't just toss you under the bus for being FORCED to make this difficult, monumental decision. He is the ONLY one that can help diffuse the ABUSE that you are being subjected to by HIS son, HIS Ex, and HIS Ex's entourage. You are only trying to protect all that you have worked so hard for in your life, as well as your health. As far as who pays the bills in your home? Who cares? DH will be paying ALL of the bills if you are destroyed professionally anyway, so that argument is completely superfluous. You wouldn't allow any of your kin to treat your DH the way you're being treated by his, I'm sure.

I'm so glad that my post could bring you some comfort during your time of feeling very much alone. I am sending an official hug your way, and keeping you in my thoughts this weekend. Keep us posted, and PM me anytime. I'll be responding to your last PM a little later (I'm chasing my two year old around all day). You're a strong, thoughtful, and compassionate person, of that I have no doubt.

Once you reach the point of banning a skid from your home, I’m not sure if there is a better solution since it’s a stop-gap way of avoiding the problem.

I told my now x-H that his daughter was banned from my home until she met certain conditions which she refused to comply with and he found someplace else for her to live and visited her there.

The only way that this situation would have worked out was if he realized that his daughter was the problem. Unfortunately, visiting her on essentially enemy territory was the wrong solution. Making him go to her gave her all the power. Instead of us being a united front, he had to go crawling and begging for his daughter to even talk to him and she was free to spout all sort of lies and spin the truth about how she was treated and why I banned her.

In the end, unless you address the core problems, things aren’t going to get better. Visiting away from your home might work as a temporary solution, but not as a long term solution.

It also doesn’t help when your DH sees how well things work when you aren’t around. My x-H used to come back from visiting and rave about how well his daughter was doing and how great things were and lament that as soon as his daughter and I were together life was utterly unbearable and that I would just let go all the horrible things his daughter said and did to me and my son.

I don’t know if there’s a solution. My x-H had been fine with the decision to ban his daughter and then a year later, he had spun it around and claimed all his problems with his daughter were my fault.

Well, if this kid is a threat to your marriage and your sanity, then no, he does not need to be in your home. You aren't being out of line or unreasonable as far as I can tell. My SS is a lying, violent freakshow, too.

((((( hugs )))))

Curly- The OP has stated several times that keeping skid from her home is NOT what she wants to HAVE to do. I couldn't miss the tone of sadness and regret in her posts...clearly this is the last thing she wants.

But here's the thing...OP is being threatened from ALL angles. Her physical, emotional, professional, and marital status' are all on the line. There are some things that can be done going forward that may be able to prevent this situation from becoming a permanent reality (ie. brainstorming with DH about other options, counseling (marital and personal), legal action to enforce a no-contact order with BM), but those things may be able to help with the future, not the present. At this point, OP is putting herself in danger every single time she has contact with skid. And that is not only unhealthy, it's toxic and wrong.

I dealt with the same scenario a couple years ago. What would your suggestion be if I were asking the same question? While contemplating that, bear in mind that both of my parents are deceased, I have no in-state family, and DH and I have two DD's that need my care. Not to mention that my SD is a thief and uses every time I am out of the house as an opportunity to steal from me and rifle through my personal papers to find "stuff" her mom might be able to "use". (For what, I have no idea.)

So while I get that this is a highly charged topic, and not something anyone wants to have to face, sometimes, it just is what it is. And what is really not healthy is OP losing everything she has spent her life creating.

Just because I enjoy examining things thoroughly, I'll add this thought to the mix. When I was thirteen, I was a horrible, out-of-control beast. I did and said TERRIBLE things to my poor mother and step-father. They reached the limit of what they could handle, and asked my uncle (who lived almost three thousand miles away) to take me into his home, with his wife and two kids, for an indefinite period of time. I was crushed at the time, but as an adult, with children of my own, I now understand completely WHY they did that. They had no other choice, other than institutionalization. They had to protect my siblings, and themselves. When my mother died, I read her diary passages about that time in her life. Sending me away broke her heart, but it needed to be done to break MY destructive cycle. While this is not exactly the same as OP's predicament, there are some similarities. And nothing worthwhile is ever EASY.

Btw...Rising...I wish I'd had this site ten years ago too!! And thanks for the love

Clearly An Upgrade.......love your name!