My MIL and BM are very similar; both selfish users who display their insecurities through narcissistic behavior. They both believe I "come from money," yet my parents are both hardworking, self-starters who have worked tenfold for every dollar earned. I am also very ambitious and I am successful because of it, but I didn't come from money. Both MIL and BM have to portray images of luxury even though they can't afford it. The irony is that MIL and BM absolutely hate each other, yet they are so similar. 

My MIL can't be bothered with DH and I. She has always viewed DH as the "black sheep" compared to her other two sons from a previous marriage. She never wanted more kids, but FIL did so she had DH. She is the type to contact DH maybe once or twice per year, usually around Christmas or a major holiday, demanding a visit, but never visits us, claiming that the 2 hours is "too far," yet she flies across country every 6 months to visit BIL for a week. MIL always complains she is broke, yet spends money on luxuries. She took FIL to the cleaners during their divorce and easily swindled close to $100k from him. She claims that she hates me because I "come from money" and she has told DH that I use my money to influence him and "buy his love." Um no! I didn't see MIL stepping up to help DH when DH was laid off due to company downsizing and couldn't pay his bills. I didn't see MIL stepping up to help pay DH's legal fees. Hell, she couldn't even step up to be there to provide emotional support during the court hearings. I was there to support him through those financial difficulties when any normal person would have let him drown in his debts. DH has told MIL that the relationship he has with her is her own making, since she never contacts him, but MIL is amazing at playing the "woe is me card." We barely speak to her because she is dramatic and likes to create conflict when she is bored or needs control. 

BM is the same way. BM is a user and will only do things when that benefit her. She tries to get out of all visitation transportation because it's an "inconvenience," yet she is the one who moved 4 hours away. She has mooched off her parents and family for years and is super entitled. BM always claims she is broke, yet her parents admitted they paid her $4k a month for living expenses for years, not including her income and the CS she was getting from DH. She also does not like me and feels that she should be entitled to my income for CS, since I "come from money." BM does whatever she can to make DH's life hell, just because she needs control and uses SS as a weapon to maintain control. 

Yes I noticed this too. Both BM and her family and my DHS family are all quite self-absorbed and dependent on DH. Bm's family is quite wealthy but they still expected pretty elaborate financial gifts from DH. DHS family is not as well off but they considered him a benefactor for all of them. Because of this DH is almost a father figure to a whole bunch of people that all wanted to have their fingers in his wallet and guilt trip him into supporting them.

I think that this happens because people grow up with a certain type of dysfunction and then grow up and get out in the world and find themselves comfortable with somebody who exhibits the same sort of dysfunction they grew up with. It's not at all healthy but it's familiar and it's comfortable and it just perpetuates an unhealthy cycle.

Thankfully it seems like my husband learned his lesson because I am a 180 from BM and a lot of different ways. However he is quite susceptible to people playing the damsel in distress and since I don't do that it bothers me when he rushes to rescue other people. He's gotten a bit better in recognizing that when people want him to rescue them it's because of their own learned helplessness or trying to take advantage of him by playing weak or dumb.

BM was a taker/user. Her sisters are takers/users. Her kids are takers/users. DH is a giving man to his own detriment. He'd give his last dollar to anyone. It makes me sick that his kids see him only as an ATM. Or, shall I say, "saw." He stopped the money flow years ago and it looks like they've finally accepted the ATM is closed and seem to be wanting more of a true relationship with him. Maybe because BM is dead now? Who knows.

It's pretty typical for most people to marry someone who is like their parent (s) in some way. If you are lucky enough to grow up in a functional home, this is not an issue.  But for someone like your SO, "love" gets tied to all kinds of dysfunctional behavior and they gravitate towards that in their relationships.

Neither set of my ILs was/is anything like my parents.  Though at a superficial surface level my XILs were the most similar to my parents.  

The XILs were all about appearnaces and lacked substance to back up the appearances.  That wedding had to be the social event of the season and cost them multiple 5  figures.  It lasted 2.5 years. Roughly $10K per year of marriage.   19 years post divorce my XMIL went to federal prison for embezzlment and the whole family was sued by her employer to recover as much as possible of the $millions she stole. My XW's share of that pay back was $2Mil.  According to some mutual friends that I called after I saw the article in the paper about her going to prison.  A lot of things clarified for me when I read of my XMIL's conviction.  How does a two income couple earning a combined $100K  per year accumulte several million in property and live in the most spendy section of town?  Hmmmmmm?  Steal much? 

My parents would not take a Cent from anyone.

My DW's parents while hard workers and honest, were for decades incapable of anything but the pursuit or instant gratification regarding what they have long referred to as their "dreams".  My FIL passed 3.5 years ago and interestingly my MIL, who was the Casino queen with the dreams of winning weath and an early retirement has managed to stay out of the Casinos and actually accumulate some resources though she will never be able to stop working.

Interestingly, the SpermClan and my XILs are the most similar. Superficial, stand on a foundation of sand regarding their projected superiority, etc.....  Both the SpermClan and my XILs all have gone down in flames at some level.

SpermGrandPa is a serial adulteror, SpermGrandHag is a control freak fringe Christian cultist.  She always considered my DW to be beneath her son, the Spermidiot, and her family.  She also looked down her nose at my ILs. She was hell bent on forcing a marriage, that never happened, and when she failed at that she insisted on blaming my DW for the failure of that relationship with ZERO recognition that her DipShitiot son was a serial statutory rapist who cheated on my DW with yet another underage teen.  Any time those facts were broadcaste she would get all spun up and offended. It was always in the past, had to be let go, etc... all while her perve chid mollesting POS son was still doing what he loves to do best. Pollute every available underage womb in reach with his shallow and polluted gene pool.

A few years after my SS asked me to adopt him, SpermGrandHag told him that she was happy that he had a good father to raise him.  She apparently finally gained clarity after raising the younger three of the Spermidiot spawned half sibe by three different baby mamas.  My son is the only of that gene pool who is of quality as a person, a man, a son, brother, cousin, grand child, and a viable self supporting professional.

It took me a while to see it but I'd say BM and MIL are cut from the same cloth. Occasionally DH is too. He's given me a couple of months where I thought I was married to the male version of BM.