hmmm.....I had a step dad from the ages of 8-12-ish....I have fond memories of him and his family and recall zero drama or negative feelings and his family treated me like a real member of the family. I also had an amazing mother who wouldn't put up with it if I was treated right haha....and my bio dad in the picture at that time. So from that....I think kids have more issues when both parents are in the picture....b/c it's usually not pretty as we can all attest to.

My bio dad re emerged later on....he married someone when about 16 years ago...I've seen her a handful of times. My dad visits without her and never mentions her....I never mention her. Apparently she got jealous of my mom some years back and made some nasty remark......which pretty much sealed the deal on me acting like she doesn't exsist....because well...my mom was DEAD at that time and my parents were divoreced when my dad made this lady. so whatever.

Honestly and sadly....me, my DH, and my EXH were raised by our moms with no dads really in the picture....but guess what? Nothing but good memories, no PAS, no drama..........so...in my opinion it's these totally messed up situations like we all have on here that cause so much damage....fighting over kids....crazy BM's.....etc.

I'm glad my dad wasn't around........I had the best childhood I could have ever wanted. I didn't miss out on anything except 2 parents fighting and making my life hard.

I have had the same SM since I’ve been 3, and I’m now 41.   Growing up, she wasn’t always the nicest person and I felt like cinderella with the list of chores she’d give me to do. Looking back with my adult eyes, she did not have it easy. My dad was never around and it was primarily up to her to raise my sister and I because my dad put his love of hunting and fishing before anything or anyone else. My mom wanted us and she never caused any drama, but she couldn’t afford a lawyer like my dad could and he hated her with a passion, so, he kept custody.  My SM’s had 2 sisters and I loved them. I secretly wished my dad would’ve married one of them instead lol. They both had daughters the same age as my sister and I and sleepovers at their house was a blast. Yes, they had chores, but simple chores like cleaning their own room, vacuuming, taking out garbage, etc. I loved it at their house because it was happy. Her sisters played with all of us, spoke nicely to us, did crafts with us, watched movies with us. To this day, I still don’t understand why it was my responsibility to clean their bedroom, fold their clothes, clean their bathroom, etc.  My Stepgrandma completely broke my heart when I was around 8. She had a cookout for the family and announced she had a special gift for all grandkids, including sister and I, and she would give each of us the gifts privately that evening. We lined up and one by one, she’d call us into her room to get our gift. The other grandkids were walking out with big gifts, like the beloved Cabbage Patch Doll, or, a boom box. It seemed like Christmas in July. But sister and I? We got a small toy that looked like it was from a McDonald’s happy meal. Oh well. The lesson I learned from it after crying my eyes out was to always keep things equal when dealing with kids. Kids do keep track and they do compare. 

My SF is a parent. He's not my dad, but he has his own special place between extended family and bioparent. His son is my brother, and his daughter is a waste of space. As I have gotten older, I've realized it's less about who they are and more about the individual relationships I have with them. And I consider my Dad's GF family, but not a parent since she came to be when I was an adult (and a SM myself).

For me, it's hard to describe how I categorize any of them. Maybe if I were closer to my extended family, and even my own siblings, it would matter more or make a bigger difference. They are all important people in my life (minus the SSis), so it's hard to answer the "what are they to you?" question. They are just people I care about.

On my SSs' sides, I have no idea what I am to them. I'd guess "Dad's wife" or "fun aunt" status. I'm not a mother, though I am parental, or at least a guardian. What that translates into emotionally is unknown.

My SM came into my life when I was about 6 or 7. We are extremely close, shes more like a BM to me than my own BM. BM chose to move up state when I was around 9 or 10 so my BD (biodad) took full custody, causing my SM to take me suddenly full time with my 1-2 year old half sister. My dad had healthy boundaries and rules with me from the beginning so, while the change was hard for her, she always had my dad to back her up. I was well behaved. I was a nice girl. I was disciplined. She enjoyed me as a SD. Overall there were some bumps in the road but she said I was always great for her. She tells people who ask that she has two daughters.

My SF barely ever saw me the first few years since BM had moved in with him upstate in the first place. We had some fun memories. He is a nice man. Then they moved back into town... around the corner.. literally around the corner.. from my BD and SM when I was 12/13. I could throw a rock and hit their house from my BD's. Its creepy looking back on that. I would NOT be okay with that as a SP... anyway... My BM made me her best friend and always has. I was an absolute spoiled brat. BM always put my first when she got back and spent thousands of unnecessary dollars throughout the years. My mom guilty parented for years. SF heavily disengaged and we are not close at all. I don't blame him. They went on to have my half brother who I am not close with at all because, well we have a large age difference, but mostly because my BM parented him the same way she did me ... without my dad's boundaries to balance me out.. so he is a demon. Unlike my half sister from SM that I always felt equal to, my half brother became her "start over" child and I became old news.

I disengaged MYSELF from their little family.

I choose to align myself with my SM and BD.  *shrug*

As far as my own house, SD9 thinks of me second mom/step mom because I very early on took a parental status with her... because she NEEDED it and it lucked out that she responded well to it in the end (so far).

SS16 definitely thinks of me as just "dads girlfriend", which is totally fine. He was older when I came into the picture and didnt require any real parenting from me. He is super respectful with me and easy.

Both of my parents have been married THREE times. I know what it is like to be a kid at different ages with new adults in my life. My mom first got re-married when I was 3, during this time I was not seeing my dad (he went to prision and then my mom sort of kept me away from him for awhile) my mom's second husband was "Dad" to me, I called him dad (the only man I ever did) and he was that person until they got divorced when I was 11. 

I started going to spend time with my BD when I was 12, my mom reached out to him and thought it was important for me to know my dad, that lasted a couple years but I really liked my step-mom. As a teenager relating to my father who I barely knew was tough so I interacted with my step-mom more. She was always nice to me and I had little issues with her.

My mom then met my now-step dad when I was 12, while this man is one of the best people I knew I was NOT happy because.... My mom met him and two weeks later he moved into our home with his two kids. I hated him and his kids because of this. He came into our home and started to parent me because my own father wasn't around much. I rebeled against him and I was so angry for my mom moving these people into my home. Over the years he became my person when my mom and I had issues but in the beginning-YIKES. My mom has since apoligized for how this was handled and we have acknowledged it was a different time almost 30 years ago.

What this did for me was handle the meeting, the staying overnights and then the moving in with DH. We took it slow, we made sure that we were in it for the long run, we involved SD every step of the way. Outside of her issues with her own parents I was never her issue and that is how I wanted it. I never wanted to invade her space, break all traditions or make her feel like her thoughts didn't matter. We would have moved forward no matter what but we wanted to make sure that she was able to speak to DH and me on a level that she felt safe and secure with the changes. I am not my SD's stepmom as much as I am dad's wife, which is okay for me because she was 11 when we got together and she has two parents. The way I choose to be involved is a LOT different from the way my stepparents-parented me.

My life now involved my mom and stepdad, they are my parents. My BD is a loser, deadbeat who cannot be bothered to care about anyone other than himself, it took me until I was 30 to give up 100% on him.

My parents divorced when I was 9 or 10 (I can’t even remember) and I’m now 34. My Dad was an alcoholic. They still remained cordial and I remember him even coming over for Christmas that first year they were divorced. 

Dad remarried first, when I was in high school. I remember my sister and I finding out he had a girlfriend when we visited him at his part-time job. Weird. We called her SM, but we didn’t have a deep relationship. She drank and smoked like our Dad. They eventually broke up and things didn’t go well for my Dad and he eventually moved out west. The last time I saw him was when I graduated high school. We eventually talked over the years, and things seemed to get better for him but he then passed away about 6 years ago. 

My Mom remarried my junior year of high school. My Stepdad is a goofball and some things annoyed me at first but I could see how much he loved my Mom. We moved into his house, which I wasn’t too wild about. He’s retired military and we butted heads a lot during that time before I left for college. He eventually admitted he was a little too hard on me, which I appreciated. But I didn’t always make it easy. My Mom and Stepdad will be married for 18 years this December. I refer to them as “my parents,” but I do also say “my mom and stepdad.” 

My father married his now wife (I call mom) when I was 9. I am 29 now. BioMom has been out of the picture since i was 6-7. Dad was always out working and when he came home he would sleep since he was very tired. Mom had to step in immediately and took the role as a mother very serious since there wasnt anyone else to raise us. It was my brother, my sister, my half sister and I. Raising us included having rules at home, helping out with chores, enforce dicipline, helping us with homework, doctor appointments, punishment when necessary. Pretty much everything my bio mom should have done. When we where younger we hated that She was "trying so hard to act like our parent", but today I am happy she did. She taught us right and wrong, I am the woman I am thanks to her. I am not perfect, I have my flaws but feel like over all I turned out pretty well and so did my sister. My brother is another story. He gave her hell.  Mom always made sure her family didnt treat us any different, and they didnt. They are all great people to us. She is grandma to my children, she is my mother to them. They recently learned that she isnt my biomom but that didnt change how they feel about grandma. Now that I am a step parent and I need to vent I go to her cuz I feel like she understands me and she listens. So everything turned out well. 

I was a stepkid for about 4 years. I ADORED my stepmom. I could see how invested she was in us and how much joy she brought to our family. I have a half sister by her. Unfortunately her and my dad broke up (I was devastated) but even when she remarried we were very welcome in their home (and her husband was an amazing stepdad to my sister). My kids call her grandma. She earned that right. 

I have a similar relationship with my younger stepdaughter. She tells everyone that I am her other mom and I consider her one of my children. I’m not as close with my older stepdaughter but she was older when I came into her life and she is a big daddy’s girl and felt threatened. We still get on and enjoy each other’s company, but it’s more like an auntie/niece relationship than a mom/daughter one.

I think children tell you what boundaries they want, and I’ve always tried to respect that. 

I’m definitely helped by the fact that their mom has my back, and likewise, no one is allowed to speak badly of their mother in my home (not even the girls). I think that is critical. I dated a guy with a psycho ex (he also had a kid) and that was just impossible. 

I take issue with the label of Uncle or Aunt being applied to a SParent.  I have several friends who wanted their childrne to call me Uncle. I ended that in a hurry. I am an Uncle.  I respect my Nieces and Nephews.  Only they refer to me as Uncle.

I spoke to the friends who wanted me to be Uncle and thanked them for the honor and let them know that I could not accept or allow their kids to call me Uncle.  That is reserved for my nieces and nephews.  I even struggle with being called Uncle by my IL's kids.  Yes, by definition I am their Uncle.  But, I am Uncle to my brother's kids and have been for longer than I have been Uncle to my wife's nieces and nephew. But, I am learning to be their Uncle as well.

I am not a SKid.  So I have no direct experience to respond to your primary question.  I do believe firmly that kids do not get to pick what they call a Sparent.  That is entirely up to the Sparent.  How the Skid feels about that... doesn't matter.

IMHO of course.