Anxiety
Yeah!!!! I am finally online! I have tried to become a member for the last week with no sucess. For whatever reason I was not able to recieve a password on my yahoo account. I need some advise regarding this situation.
My BF had a baby yesterday, with a girl he never had a relationship with...(long story) Before we met he worked with this girl, they ended up at the same party, he slept with her and she became pregnant. I started dating him shortly after. The pregnacy is something he has not kept from me, I knew from the begining she was expecting. They never had a relationship.... nor will they. She is under the impression that as soon as she has they baby..... he will suddenly want to be with her. On Sunday she went to the hospital (for the third time) for her high blood pressure. So of course BF mom calls and he rushes up there cause he needs to calm her down, for her to only go home to BF mom's house cause she is so upset that she doesn't wanna go home. BF left her there at momma's house came home to me... She stayed for about a hour and she went home to her mom's. ( go figure....I guess she thought he would stay there with her....She was planning on staying the night there.... nope)
See the thing is her sister had a baby 1 month and 3 days ago.... Well the story I was told was her and the husband put the baby to sleep, and they started drinking.... well the Sunday morning the sister went to check on her baby to feed, and the baby was not breathing. This is the second time in 2 yrs..... Don't babies wakeup every two to three hours when they are this small? I am really worried about BF baby's momma being alone with his child....(She has already been askin BF mom how soon can she watch the baby so she can go out) Now I realize that was her sister... but the first time the sister was living in the same house with the same people as she is now. Well she has now been at the hospital since Monday ..... I am so glad she finally had the baby so he can have the paternity test and start the process for the custody battle. I am being a B*#ch? I am very sorry for her sister's loss, but come on 2 babies, 2 yrs???? Bad track record.... From what the BF says.... the family is a little off (I mean alot off)in the head. We are all very concerned for the saftey of the new baby. Any suggestion with how to deal with this anxiety???
I have been stressing about her having this child. My mind goes wild everytime he talks to her, or see's her. I know he has no interest in being with her... but it still bothers me. I don't plan on going anywhere, I will be here for him, his child and our future children to come... Hopefully someone will have advise, so I can quit stressing.
Thanks for everything,
Kimberly
Welcome!!! kimberlym026
The best advice that I an offer is KEEP COMING TO THIS SITE!! A brand new baby, you are in for a hard road for the next few years…I don’t have any bio kids yet, however, I do know that a new baby will be a very interesting dynamic and will require your BF to have a lot more contact with this woman than you will be comfortable with….One day at a time is all I can suggest and CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES WISELY! You don’t need to share every little insecurity with your BF b/c he will likely grow tired of hearing it…vent to us and not to him…go to him with the things that you are 100% sure you cannot deal with and be 100% certain that you are certain before bringing it to him…you don’t want to be a source of stress for him but a source of support…
Make a GREAT Day!
Thank you!
I agree with the part about the insecurities. I am already having issues..... last night he stayed at the hospital. I thought I was gonna die. I know he only wants to be there for his son, but "she" was there. So last night I went out to a B-day party and drowned my sorrows with alcohol.... ( LOL ) I sound pitiful. No really it really did bother me, I just don't want to take away from his happiness of the baby. Everything else can wait. I am really trying to be very understanding and loving. But it is so hard sometimes.
I understand your axiety
I understand your axiety right now. Its tough.. becasue sometimes it feels like we have to suffer for the greater good, the children. The birth of his child is a beautiful thing for him and for you its probably sad becasue its not with you, yet
I commend you for stepping back and letting him bond with his son. Hopefully very soon he will have visits that you can be involved in... without her being in the middle. Stay strong for now.
Staying Strong
He asked me to come to the hospital, I didn't think it is a good idea considering, if I was in her position, I wouldn't want the girlfriend at the hospital. I am trying to be considerate to her feelings. I am not trying to rub this in her face. After explaining this to him he agreed. I am fearful that she might try to keep the baby from him, I am not trying to create any waves until the visitations order is established. I would hate to know something I said or did to her, would result in him not seeing his baby. So with that said I cannot tell you how good it feels to be able to speak freely about my feelings and receive positive feedback for all of you. All adivse it greatly appreciated. Kim
Wow I think theres more to
Wow I think theres more to this story. Why on earth would he go to the hospital?? He's not with her so really he should be home with you, imo. Does he want the child?? I guess it all depends on how he feels, but you may want to rethink this relationship because theres men out there without these problems, JMO
I also think he should have just left it all alone, unless he gets a order for support. He may not even be the father, especially if paternity was never established. A very common thing sadly.
He went to the hospital
He went to the hospital becasue he wanted to see his newborn baby. Any parent would! The circumstance are different but the love for the child isn't.
OH Boy
...without her being in the middle. Its the other woman who is in the middle, lol. This is only the beginning of a long history of problems and turmoil, IF he is even the father. Since this was a one night stand he really has NO clue who the father is.
SHE is the mother and always will be, and whom you know nothing about. Sorry but this is not a good situation to glorify. Certainly not the time to be niave imo.
I think that you right about
I think that you right about not going to the hospital. Right now is a very emotional time for everyone involved. Just make sure that he begins the legal process immediatly becasue the process can take a while. My husband started immediatly following the birth and didn't get visitation for a little over a year. THe girl was fighting it. My husband also had a "one night stand" and got the girl pregnant. She thought that he would marry her and they would live happily ever after and was very bitter when he didn't want to be with her. It fueled the fire even more when we got together shortly after the child was born. We had been best friends for years before this. Believe me, I understand!
I have to ask because this is something that I discuss...
I have to ask, does anyone ever ask boyfriends about these one night stands with women who have gotten pregnant why THEY didn't use some kind of protection to prevent pregnancy and a whole host of other diseases.
I talk about this with my kids...the man doesn't get off the hook because of a pregnancy in terms of responsibility. This would concern me it terms of my own intimate safety with this person. Does it concern you?
Responsibility
I was very concerned regarding this matter. I met him in Jan., we didn't start dating and living together till June. Over the course of the 5 months, I took time to get to know him and his lifestyle.
As far as the one night stand, alcohol clouded his judgement. This will be more information than you want to know (I thought he had a very low sex drive), but when we are intimate, and he is suppose to finish.... Well he wouldn't. So the first couple of times.... I was like OK..... Then it started to bother me, so I asked. He has issues with the fact that she became pregnant. His thinking that if he doesn't finish or have sex at all then he has nothing to worry about. I told him that he has nothing to worry about with me. I am a very responsible person. I am very strong willed in the fact I will not have a child without being married. After talking and reassuring him of my feelings, I think our relationship has became very healthy and stonger. Oh I forgot to mention he and I both got tested before we became intimate with each other. That helped ease alot of my worries.
It is VERY concerning. My
It is VERY concerning. My husband was young 17. And he was also drunk. I think that his age had something to do with it but I also think that his upbringing had a hand. My husband grew up in a very religious catholic house. He was not taught "safe sex" he was taught "abstancence." He knew that he was sinning but safety didn't cross his mind. Very foolish! And very lucky that he didn't catch anything.
We have planned to educate our children about these issues. First of all about safety and secondly how having children should be shared with someone you plan spending your life with. I know situations happen where this doesn;t always hold true but still...
Legal process?
He is going to the District Attorney today to file saying he needs to pay child support. We are hoping by him going first that it will look better for him going to them, oppose to them serving him with papers. The baby is only 3 days old. Do u have any advise for the legal process, we are filing for full custody, or as much as the court will allow.
full custody??? Just my
full custody??? Just my opinion but thats going to open up a can of worms!!! If someone tried to take my baby from me, you'd see the devil come out of me! Now sharing is a different story. And unless she has a REALLY< REALLY bad track record you don't have a chance. Most courts favor the women. Its a sad truth. The best your gonna get is everyother weekend and a midweek visit. If your REALLY LUCKY 50/50 split. And if she is breastfeeding it may be a while before you get more than a few hours at a time. I'm just speaking from personal experience, I'm not an expert or anything. She will probably get full custody and he will probably get visitation rights.
Custody
I agree, I know between her past and the drama last Sunday with her sister(concerning the 1 month old) , he has good chance of getting him. She isn't planning on breastfeeding, which is too his advantage, so he can keep him for more than a few hours. Fortnatualy on the birth certificate, the baby has his last name, which gives him some rights automatically. What he prefers is to have "Joint Conservative Management" meaning that he would have him 50% like you were saying. This way neither him or her would pay child support and both parents will be active in his life. Only time will tell.
I really don't think that he
I really don't think that he sister's situation has anything to do with this case. And I'm sure a judge will keep the focus on the parties involved.
It's gonna be a battle, I can tell you that much. Good luck
sister situation
You are probably right. But it is sure scarey to know there has been two lives lost do to irresponsibility. The sister was living with her mom, which is where she lives now. Thanks for the advise. You are right it is gonna be a long road.
kimberlym026
I don’t know you or your BF’s financial situation but maybe the best thing to do is to help her get out on her own…how old is she? Even moving into public housing, that is income based, might be a good way for her to go…I understand you and your bf’s concern regarding the home environment and it is a valid point, however, as has been stated, the court is not likely to hold that against the mom (nor should they in my opinion)…it sounds like her family (mom and sister) are not going to be the best of support systems and so it is going to be OPTIMAL for you and more importantly your BF to bridge that gap for her…she’s likely gonna need parenting skills and she will not be receptive to your BF’s suggestions if she feels attacked by him vs. in a partnership with him to raise this baby…the best path will be the one of least resistance…if he goes in guns blazing, that is going to put her on the defensive…as they say the best defense is a good offense…maybe they can go see a court mediator instead…come up with a plan TOGETHER that they both can live with….it sounds like she is not up for the challenge that she’s up against for the next 3-6 months (i.e. getting the baby on a schedule…ALL babies need the comfort of routine) let alone the next 18 years if she is ready to go clubbing and has a 3-day old baby! If he plays his cards right, he can likely get her to agree to more visitation time than the court is likely to order…but if he pisses her off…she will keep the baby away out of SPITE and is likely to put the baby in some very dangerous situations for the sake of finding a sitter…ALL MY LUCK TO YOU!
Make a GREAT Day!
Nise
I agree with what you are saying. I think she is 25?? As far as a mediator, that is a wonderful idea. I really hope that for the sake of the child they can get along.
I plan on having children with him as well. Don't get me wrong what ever happens with the courts will happen. I prefer to not be the primary household for the baby. I too think the child needs both parents to be active in his life. I wouldn't want to take that from her. She has full potential to be good to this baby, she just needs to get her priorities straight. If in turns he does end up with the baby full time (which I doubt will happen) I am willing to take good care him. This will definately chnge my lifestyle. I personally can't wait to be married and have kiddos too.
Why would you want to fight for full custody?
Why would you want to fight for full custody? I agree with skye22...if someone tried to fight for custody of my child, the gloves would come off and I would be ready to do battle. There is no need to try to take custody of the child away from the mother. Unless she is incompetent, the courts won't take custody away from mom....and thank God.
I see a lot more moms in health care and in the schools who have most, if not full, responsibility for their children. Many Dads don't do much, especially after the novelty wears off. The Dads on this site are obviously different, but there are a lot of absent Dads around.
Create a non-confrontational environment and relationship right from the beginning!
hopeful
Are you aware of the problems with the sister???? He is really concerned for the saftey of the child. The baby is 3 days old and she wants to know how soon he or his mom will be willing to watch the baby, so she can go to the bar. Not saying she doesn't have the right to go out. But come on was that the first thing on your list as soon as any of you had your babies??? Frankly I am glad that he wants to be active in his child's life. Considering, all of the Dad's you are referring to, not taken interest. I know the court won't be as generous as he is hoping for.... I keep my mouth shut, not wanting to dicourage him in any way..... What happens with the custody/visitation will happen. He says "God would not create these challenges in his life if he didn't think he could handle them" So he is prepared for the worst case senerio, but hoping for the best. I think there are too many women who get pregnant and expect men to marry them (which is what she wanted)as a result now they have a child to share and I am glad he will be there for that.
no comment
no comment
Totally agree, not very nice
Totally agree, not very nice to take a child from a mother imo.
You need to see if theres a future with the both of you, and if you want your own kids with him ect. Otherwise, I would not get involved in all this. He sounds very young and he should probably just leave this one alone and get on with his life, otherwise its going to be destroyed. Why you shouldn't sleep with people you don't know well, imo.
Actually, joint custody doesn't necessarily mean no support
Joint custody doesn't actually mean that no one pays child support. Is your BF prepared to have his life change in the way that is required to care for a newborn?
Child support
The joint conservative management terms are where each parent shares the responsibility 50/50. If that was to happen than neither has to pay. But is any case he is filing with the District Attorney today to say he needs to pay her until they go to court and there is a ruling. He isn't going to wait for her to file saying he needs to pay. He wants to make sure the child is tooken care of.
DNA test?
Hate to bring it up...but is he planning to have a DNA test? In a case like this, it may not be a bad idea.
DNA
Yeah the District Attorney here requires one prior to going to court. So that will be done. He is positive he is his. But still it is a piece of mind.
DNA
How does the baby have his last name? Did he not have to sign a paper to give the baby his last name at the hospital? If so, why have a dna test?
some states require
dna testing for children born outside of wedlock and when there is an issue of child support. Especially since the child is very young, and the parents are not together.
If the baby has his name
If the baby has his name already, sounds to me that there is not any need for dna testing, he already accepts him as his son
sometimes that isn't enough
my dh had a child when he was a teen. Then when he and his ex broke up, the baby was ~6 months old, and court proceedings started, the state required a dna sample to proceed further with hearings. My dh signed the birth certificate, and the baby had his last name. Sometimes depending on the situation, it doesn't matter, the courts want to determine paternity before they require cs to be paid.