Am I wrong?
Eating at me for days and I have not said anything to DH because I am really trying to dis-engage but it is soooo hard.
DH is practically going into debt to keep SD17 in the lifestyle she has become accustomed. Even though she works at a part time job making $18 per hour (not bad for a teen) she has learned from BM terrible financial habits.
So she was getting her Drivers License and wow geez, here I have my license but I did not save for a car, insurance, registration etc....super Dad jumps in and pays, fixes up a car for her and within 2 months she wants a new car, this one is not cool enough for her so DH buys her another one.
She wanted braces even though the Dentist said there was no issue with her teeth,BM took her to an orthodontist and lo and behold ortho said "sure we can do braces on you". So rather than the $5500.00 braces....she wanted the $6800.00 braces (clear, short term) and she got them. BM and DH were going to split the cost for whatever was not covered under the insurance plans but BM took the cheques that her BF's insurance company remitted to her for payments that DH made on his CC and cashed them, why??....she didn't understand (right)!!
So at Christmas I take BD's and SD Christmas shopping and SD buys a book for her brother and then spends $130 on a pair of boots, $80 at clothing store and $50 on a new case for her phone, comes home and borrows money for Christmas gifts from her Dad as "she is so broke".
BM texts and says she wants DH to pay for the 4 months that SD is behind on dance class payments because BM cannot afford it, she is so broke (sound familiar?? note BM spent on average $800 on each of her kids for X-mas gifts but collects a charity Christmas Hamper from the local community drive to get by at Christmas, smokes and drinks liek crazy).
Now last night DH is talking about re-financing mortgage and line of credit on his old house (we did not manage to sell it when we co-habitated so we are renting it out) so that he will have money to pay for SD's post secondary and rent next year while she attends school. (note that this would be quite fine by me if we had done this for ANY of our other 3 kids but BD's and SS have all saved and paid for their own cars and expenses when attending post-secondary.)
Sorry to rant but it chaps my ass!
No you are not wrong but what
No you are not wrong but what can you do about it?
Well apparently nothing as I'm assuming he owns the house in question. There is some solace in knowing that this kid will grow up feeling entitled while the other three will know they have to work to live. The Princess will fall on her face once Daddy stops financing her and he will stop. If not sooner then the day he dies. Then faced with the real world and no rescue net (once the inheritance is gone) she'll be unable to cope as an adult.
We see this all the time - thirty year olds who don't understand why they have to be on time for work and actually break a sweat while there. How unfair. :?
If Daddy wants to raise a loser he's doing a fine job of it.
My younger brother, being the sickly one, lived with our parents until they died out from under him. He then went on making poor investment decisions and wouldn't work for a living until it was all gone. This college educated 65yo guy is now driving a cab and renting a room in a strangers home.
Daddy if you want the same for your Princess keep doing what you're doing. Ask him to read this.
signed/ watched my brother travel the same path
Thanks Punkin and Orange
Thanks Punkin and Orange County....when I say anything about the steps he gets super defensive.
More background, yes it is his house he wants to re-finance but for the house we are living in I am the one who made the 6 figure down payment because we could not sell his house because he owes more on it than it is worth. I owned my own home and was financially responsible and managed to pay it down while raising two kids on my own. My kids now have the same money smarts I have because I taught them so I definitely know that he is doing SD no great favors for the long term while spoiling her rotten now. I was hoping that if we hold out a little longer and sell his he will be able to contribute to our home equity but not if he keeps re-financing and subsidizing SD's living.
So my biggest issues with this are yes, he is creating a monster, children move away from home but as I see on this site, adult Skids can wreak as much havoc as young ones. What if she is still mooching at 30, it will be taking money and life experinces away from our life together!!!
It is also so not fair to the other kids to see the difference in the treatment.
And as I have tried to explain to him, let's say that Hubby were to have a heart attack (knock on wood), I would be responsible for all of his debts as his wife. Then essentially I am the one who was supporting SD. Whereas if I were to pass away he would get the equity in the house, my life insurance/pension etc. I want this to be a fair exchange! (sorry to be morbid but things like this happen every day).
I have also spoken to him a few times about going in to get a will done as we married over a year ago and he and his kids sometimes joke that he hasn't changed his will so the kids are the beneficiaries and if something were to happen to him they would get the house, insurance etc and they would hire me on as a cook and maid and I could rent a room. (I know this is supposed to be taken as a jokey comment and I have a great sense of humor but because I am already touchy about the other stuff it is like "poking the bear") lol
I guess I have a few things to discuss with Hubby but I have to pick and choose my moments because he is difficult to deal with around this subject and I sometimes feel like it could be the end of us.
honey, if you don't get him
honey, if you don't get him to listen to you, it WILL be the end of you, and it's definitely a hill to die on! you are going to have to swallow your fear and prepare yourself for a marital crisis. sometimes you have to tear it down to the ground to re-build it. you know in your heart that if he continues, it's going to destroy your marriage. maybe if you can get him to realize this, he'll begin listening to you. what in the world do you have to lose, other than a future as a live in cook/maid to your skids? your dh's focus has got to be directed towards you, your marriage and your futures together. I find a lot of men don't have a clue as to what marriage is about and need to be taught. tell him that if he sells his house, he can do what he wants with the money AFTER you are re-imbursed for his portion of the downpayment you made. begin TELLING him what you will and will not tolerate, what you need for him to do in order to keep you. once you become more angry at how he is treating you than afraid of losing him, you will regain your power. look, you did it on your own before, you can do it again. you don't need a man to drag you into a sink hole because of his Disney-daddy spending. and, marriage is a partnership, and needs to be balanced - this includes financially. people are so ashamed of standing up for themselves over money. swallow it and get to fixing your marriage if it is fixable.
I personally would separate
I personally would separate finances now and have separate accounts. He is unreasonable and irresponsible.
Also, if I were you, I would have a will drawn up and not make him a beneficiary of anything till his head fell out of his ass. If your name isn't on the house, go see a lawyer to find out what your rights are and obligations.
You need a backup plan for his bad decisions.
Thank you for the additional
Thank you for the additional responses...Both of our names are on the house so that is not a worry...thank goodness!
I have taken a few steps, this morning I spoke with a lawyer and am going in to have paperwork drawn up that will basically state that the down payment that I put on the house, in the case of divorce will revert to me or in the case of death will revert to my beneficiaries (my two girls). Additionally any equity or debt incurred by Hubby in relation to the property located at "such and such address" is wholly his alone and I am not financially responsible for any debt as a result of this property. This makes me feel better and it is something that he agreed on.
I guess what started it all down this path was the kids jokey comments and also that several weeks ago Hubby came home with a $5,000 snowmobile that he put on his credit card/line of credit and a little bit he had saved without my agreement but when I was upset he said that it was his money and he should be able to buy what he wants.
As a side note he makes about 3 x what I make and does contribute more to the household account but he has three in the house and I have two and he also has a lot more expendable money left over after we both deposit into the joint account. There are several improvements we want to make on the house and I guess I just thought if he had some extra money he might want to spend some on the house considering the investment I made in it initially.
With the money I bring home I manage to get some into savings, my pension and buy a few things for the kids and myself. I often will pick Hubby up a gourmet coffee or take him for lunch, buy him his favorite treat or buy him a shirt I liked for him or a new travel mug and I have started letting him know that I see that he does not do the same for me. Yet last night he tells SD17 that if she evers needs money she is to come to him and he will write her a check, no problem! I looked over and said "If I tell you I need money do I get some too".
Oh dear, it seems like I may have more of a Hubby problem than a Skid problem at the moment!! Hubby is gone for the weekend and I am going to take some good time to think about this without distraction and decide what to do. Thanks so much!
yes, it is not good that he'd
yes, it is not good that he'd rather invest in his kids than in the home/future he has with you. this is total opposite of what he vowed to do when he married you, isn't it? definitely a lot to think about.
Oh brother, is this what I
:jawdrop: Oh brother, is this what I have to look forward to? I thought it was bad already and SD is only 10.