I'll agree, you should not be the one contacting her for anything. That's your husband's job. Sounds like she may be calling him at work because that's the only way she can avoid having to contact you. Try not to feel hurt that she doesn't want a relationship with you, that's how many ex's feel.

Is you husband bothered by how much she calls him? If so, then he's the one who needs to put a stop to it. You should not be the one asking her to not bother him at work. If he doesn't mind, even after you've told him it bothers you, then there's really not much you can do. I think it would be inconsiderate of him to completely ignore your feelings on the matter, tho. A compromise would be better, maybe he can get her to limit phone calls to a certain time and day?

I have no advise for you but, wow, now I know what I have to look forward too...

SLH - you have what many of us had in the beginning of our relationships with our DH's and their children - it is called starsinyoureyeitis - you want the best for your skids but unfortunately you like the rest of us have also acquired a psycho BM - who hates her exhusband more than she loves her kids - so she will make your life hell.

What you really need to do is let your DH handle the skids and the BM - but you need to have him understand that you are part of the relationship and if he wants it to work without you going crazy then he needs to be a united front with you and not worried about not fighting with his ex. The doghouse he needs to be worried about is yours not the BM's. DH and I did go to counseling in our first year of marriage and I do feel it helped but your DH has to be willing to go - or like the rest of us - you will pick a favorite wine or drink and go to your doctor requesting Ativan or Xanax.

You are not being controlling or the bitter new wife - you went into a relationship expecting to be treated like your DH treated his first wife the only problem is that there is a first wife and she don't like you. You need to get hubby on your page - when I am pissed at my DH over something Skid or Ex Wife related I write it all down in an email and I send it to him regarding my feelings and then if that don't work then we have a talk. This has been a long process so don't give up. You just need to help your DH relearn how to be in a relationship that is full of love and trust and different from his last one - it is all he knows and now he needs to relearn - I like to say train you hubby but that seems to offend people so the new word is relearn!!!

Hang in there and work at it!!

This is a very difficult thing but you really do need to let it go.

I prefer to talk to my child's father, not his wife, about our son. I assure you it's not because I long to get back together with the man I had a child with. It's because HE is our son's father. I wouldn't expect him to discuss our son with my DH and he shouldn't expect me to discuss our son with his DW.

It does drive me crazy that my DH's ex calls him for stupid stuff on a regular basis. I'm the first to admit I have serious control issues. I don't like feeling like I'm left out of the loop. But I have come to learn that these are MY ISSUES and really have nothing to do with DH or his EX. This is how they communicated before I became the wife, and there's really no good reason to change it now.

I've made baby steps that have done wonders for my mood and my relationship with my DH.

1) I RARELY go with DH on drop-offs and p-ups anymore. Instead I use that time to go for a walk or have some quality time with my bio-kids.

2) I don't ask how drop-offs or pick-ups went. Sometimes his ex will come out to the car with the kids, sometimes she'll stand at the door, sometimes he doesn't see her at all. I no longer care. I don't ask if they talked, I don't ask if she came out, I'm just happy that my DH is home. Especially if he's back from a drop-off!

3) I don't look at the skids online calendars anymore and worry about how we are going to make every band/choir/awards event and how we are going to juggle everyone else's schedule to do so. If we get a last minute notice about any of these things and I'm free, I'll go. If it doesn't work with my schedule or I have to jump through tons of hoops to make it work, I don't go. DH can go on his own as I'd never expect him to miss a kid thing, and I don't care if he and the ex sit right next to eachother the entire time. Because once again....he's coming home to me.

4) I don't press my DH to say anything to his ex about something that pisses me off. If it's important enough to him, he will say something to her when he feels it's necessary. I was working myself up being pissed at her and then pissed at DH for not handling it the way I would handle it. I let him pick his own battles with his ex. He's knows her better and for longer than I ever will so I trust that he know what battles should be started and when. I can tell you, I would handle it differently about 75% of the time but it's not by battle to fight.

Try some of these things....you'll be surprised at just how much stress lifts off of your shoulders when you beging to repeat: "Not My Kid, Not My Problem." That doesn't mean you can't love your skids and care about them and do things for them and demand they respect you....it just means that if things don't get handled as they would if they were YOUR children then it's OK.

Why oh why would ask her to stop calling his work phone AND block her from his cell phone? I don't get it. Your husband had an established way of communicating with his ex and he's ok with you coming in and forcing the change?

That would burn me up to have my spouse speaking for me in that capacity. I do think it's a control issue. Or a trust issue. Or maybe both.

I can really understand your feelings on this one and it is all to easy to say forget about her and let your husband deal with her because he is YOUR husband now and part of marriage is to deal with problem (which she is) together!

When you are married to take care and look after one another and you will have no way but to be involved and need to talk to her.

The ex's hinder your life and i know how that feels but i try to look at it that every conversation we have and every thought i have about her is one point to her as such and i am letting her in to our life!

We used to have loads of conversations about OH's ex, just about how nuts she is and how does her mind work etc etc and now i just say NO, she is not coming in to our life! Sometimes you will need to discuss her i know as it will be something to do with the kids but don't let the conversation go on for longer that it needs to.

As for the calls, let your husband know how you feel about her calling him all the time, get him to ignore the calls. One way would be to get a seperate mobile and give her that number so she can text or leave messages etc and if you are not interested in dealing with them then you don't need to reply.

First - BM is NOT wrecking your marriage. Your husband's refusal to set boundaries with her is wrecking your marriage. The responsibility for the problem lies 100% with him.

Many of us have been there but your problem is NOT BM. Your problem is your husband.

BM does this because he allows it. On some level he likes it.

It is up to HIM, not you to establish and enforce boundaries. When you step in you look controlling and jealous and that only encourages her to continue to push your buttons.

You and he need to decide how to deal with her together and then HE needs to communicate the rules to her. He must be consistent too.

HE needs to stop taking her calls and he has to make it clear to her that it is HIS decision, not yours, to change the dynamics of his relationship to her.

If he isn't willing to do that I'd question just how committed to you and his relationship with you he really is. There is only room for one queen in the kingdom and that queen should be you.

These are all great posts. I had the same situation.

In my family, I handle all the schedules, and keep track of all DR appts, etc....

So when DH and I were married.... he had the same problem with BM. If she decides she is mad and wants to talk to him, she does not CARE if he is at work. She will call his cell over and over 10 times or more until he picks up. She will scream and yell and throw a fit. This has been going on for years. BM does whatever and says whatever she wants. They cannot have a conversation that ends nicely. She behaves like the DEVIL... its a nightmare. He claims he has NEVER been able to communicate with her on a normal level. I believe him... I have seen her in action.

He has asked her not to call him at work. That any issue can wait until he gets off work....unless it is an emergency. But... everything is an emergency!

At home, she will call his cell. If he doesn't pick up, she will call the house phone, if he doesn't pick that up, she will call MY cell. Of course, I don't pick up, so she will round robin again....

All because she wants to know one thing....like why is SD17 grounded? She will lose her mind.

I learned long ago... NOT to talk to her. Whether she wants to talk to me or not... because it is one sided. She may talk to me whenever she wants info... but I am NEVER to talk to her if I need something.

I no longer run SD17 anywhere she needs to go. DH must do all pick ups, drop offs, DR appts, school appts. That way... HE has all the info he needs to communicate.

I did this because he couldn't seem to give me enough info from the BM to make choices, he would "forget" the schedule, he would pick up the phone at work when BM would call then come home and complain about it to me... and he seemed to be willy nilly making plans for SD upon BM's wishes, and then expect ME to carry them out for him.

My life is so much easier now that I have disengaged. Same with the money. DH has his own account with biweekly deposits of money for him to handle his needs, etc... the rest of his paycheck goes into our jt acct and All of mine goes into that same acct and I pay all the bills. BUT... if SD needs money... she has to go to DH. I will not give her a dime.

That way... he has to SEE the money leave his acct. He has to SEE how much she NEEDS and watch his acct dwindle. He literally has to pay for her needs, not me. He says NO much more often than he did before..... Now BM or SD can be mad at him, and not blame me for them not getting what they want.

Disengage..... it worked for me.

Good Luck.

We set up a 'household' email for teachers, doctors, and BM. BM was not happy and is still refusing to use this email (we have asked her repeatedly not to use my husbands work email address, because when he's working, he's WORKING and she shouldn't bother him at work). However, she removed the block she put on this email address, so we know she's receiving our updates. Usually when she emails DH, she's trying to assert authority where she doesn't really have any. Demanding answers (what did the doctor say about SD's tummy ache? Why do you think SD13 even needs therapy?) and making absolute sure he is adhering to a court order that she is not complying with herself.

I was uncomfortable from the beginning, how BM was trying to manipulate DH. After their separation, before we were seeing each other, he would drop off money in her mailbox, pay her car insurance, pay her cable bill, hell he even paid for her court ordered parenting class. I told him, as a friend, that if he gives her money or pays anything at all for her, he has to do it with a check. Don't trust her, she cheated on you, she's emotionally abandoned her kids, there is no reason to do anything at all for her! But he wanted to be sure the kids had what they needed while they were in her care. It all backfired on him. When it came time for court, she denied everything. All the cash he'd give her, bills he paid, she even used the parenting class certificate as proof of what a 'good mommy' she was in her court evidence file.

She got all of this out of him through text and emails. "Don't you want the kids to be able to watch their TV shows?" or "If I don't have insurance I can't drive them to school or take them anywhere!" She was so full of it. I, as an outsider, could see what she was doing. But he, at the time, could not.

So now that we are together, even though time has passed and he doesn't fall for her BS anymore, I pushed for the 'family email'. The email is for things we need to take care of together, including our ex-spouses. I'm not going to let her even attempt to manipulate my husband. And I want her to be sure that everything she sends to him is being read by his wife. I couldn't care less what she says, I just want her to know she no longer has control over him. And all she is to this household is another issue to deal with from time to time.