Advice on long distance visitation/resentment please.
BM offered DH use of her home (she will go stay with her sister) so that DH can spend time with his kids in their state of residence. The travel has gotten expensive and lodging for 7 days is too costly.
EOWE only gets DH 4 nights a month with skids.
Has anyone tried visiting for 1-2 weeks every two months? Quarterly visits and regular phone calls/skype?
Hotels for a week? A rental unit?
I don't love the idea of DH staying at BM's house, even if she isn't there. But I need to compromise. If you read the last post, DH agreed to do parent time outside of my home. I don't want to be involved with the skids at this time.
He does some of the visit at his dad's locally but 2 weeks is a little too long to impose. DH knows his kids would rather be home with their friends too and thus thinks going to their town is a good idea.
We do not have a good schedule or plan for visitation. No one is made of money here and the driving is just killing us. We are a half day drive away.
The second part of this is how I can be at peace with DH being gone so long? How do I not resent BM/skids if DH is needed at home and unavailable because he's with them? How do we keep in touch and keep our connection when I feel neglected or alienated. Also, I am already pretty independent and my husband likes to be needed. When he's gone for a couple weeks, I learn to get along without him and when he comes home, he doesn't feel needed anymore----and I don't need him. It separates us some.
This parent outside of the home thing is brand new to me, so I am looking for experience.
SKids do not get a preferance
SKids do not get a preferance when it comes to visitaiton. They are bound to the CO just as the CP and NCP are. Only the NCP can choose to decline visitaiton. The CP must abide by the NCP's visitation rights and so do the kids.
It seems to me that you and your DH are missing the entire point of visitation which is to engage the kids in dad's life and allow dad and the kids to foster a relationship. It seems to me that BM is the puppet master and you, DH, and the SKids are dancing on her strings with minimal willingness to accert yourselves and counter BM's manipulations.
I would not tolerate that crap for a second in my blended family life.
You're right. There is not a
You're right. There is not a long-distance CO. They go off of their parenting plan in the divorce decree I guess. DH thinks it means he is required to have them 8 days per month plus 40 days in summer and alternating holidays. Doesn't it mean that he is 'allowed' 8 days per month, rather than having consequences for not doing all 8 days? It's not a court order, it's a divorce decree. I think DH needs to consult with an attorney to get the right answers.
We are trying to find a schedule that works for the skids. When school is in, weekends are the only option unless DH travels to see them (Lodging and travel costs). The result is endless driving and being short 4 days every month. That's a lot of stress and logistics to come up short!
I know DH doesn't want to rock that boat with BM. I understand his thinking there. She allows him to miss 50% of parent time and she takes the additional CS for it.
So we can keep on the EOWE thing and 40 days of summer (which we never do all 40 days.) I agreed that the skids can stay at my house on the weekends just not the long visits...maybe 4 days and then they need to go away to the other house or on a vacation.
A divorce decree IS a court
A divorce decree IS a court order. If the parenting time is spelled out there, that's the time that they should follow.
You are correct, a non-custodial parent does not have to take all the allotted time.
If you guys are now long distance, it sounds like perhaps a modification to the parenting plan is in order???
well then, even MORE of a
well then, even MORE of a reason to modify the court order.
I just don't understand why folks don't get that they can seek to modify the parenting plan/court order when circumstances change and the agreed upon things no longer make sense.
OK thanks.
OK thanks.
Any actionable suggestions
Any actionable suggestions Rags?
We want to find that sweet spot where the skids have some regular parent time with DH, without living at my house all summer.
Mostly it's my issue of not being able to tolerate much exposure to the skids. I am not going to try and 'fix' my attitude on that. I continually make that mistake and the reality is, I need to be honest with myself and realize, I am not a kid person and I really don't like this dog and pony show. I am lucky DH is ok with that....but I need to be ok with either:
1. The skids stay at my house..........cringe.
2. DH parents outside of the home at BMs (out of state) or DHs old house (grandpa's/locally), hotels/rentals.
3. A combination, with some vacation mixed in. No I don't want to be included in vacation with the skids.
What are you going to do if
What are you going to do if mom dies or can no longer be the CP?
Your husband is a parent. Unless his kids did something harm you or jeopardize your career, expecting him to go along with this long term is crazy.
Honestly, BM has to be a saint. She agreed to leave HER HOME in order to accommodate the wishes of her exhusband's new wife. :jawdrop:
I see your point about
I see your point about everyone bending over backwards. You are very right.
What I need to work out for myself (and with a counselor) is to have that be enough. I have asked for and received the impossible and so I should be grateful.
(I still feel like I am choosing between and turd and a pile of crap though.)
I agree with you whole
I agree with you whole heartedly. I know it likely isn't sustainable and I know DH wants to be home. He wants his kids here and for all of us to get along just dandy. (It's NEVER worked in 3 years.)
DH swears to me that 'nesting' and parent time away from our home is ok as long as it keeps the peace. He has seen how relieved and happy I am this visit, not seeing the skids. It's the first time we have not been fighting during a skid visit.
Although DH has turned over a new leaf, he has earned every bit of my disdain for his kids and all of them being in my house. The past three years have been hell and I have been walked all over. I simply have had enough and am putting my foot down. His kids are awful and his parenting sucks. They can just stay away from me now. I don't have to remain on the sinking ship.
He's the parent, not me and it's up to him to figure it out. Just because we got married doesn't mean he gets a sweet ride for his skids and a 'new mom' for them. He knew that up front. I want to be supportive but I don't think that means I have to give in and take kids into my home and be happy about it.
She divorced DH when skids
She divorced DH when skids were 1 and 3 years old. That was 8 years ago. DH moved over 300 miles away 4 years ago. The way everything reads, it's his burden to bear since he moved. In the decree, 150 miles was the max distance he was allowed to move. BM never enforced that. She doesn't enforce much as long as she gets paid so she's pretty lax considering. But every time they interact, it's a knock down drag out screaming match. She mainly threatens legal action but never does much.
True in our state too. I
True in our state too. I agree. She's being generous.
"The second part of this is
"The second part of this is how I can be at peace with DH being gone so long? How do I not resent BM/skids if DH is needed at home and unavailable because he's with them? How do we keep in touch and keep our connection when I feel neglected or alienated. Also, I am already pretty independent and my husband likes to be needed. When he's gone for a couple weeks, I learn to get along without him and when he comes home, he doesn't feel needed anymore----and I don't need him. It separates us some."
How you get peace is probably by trying to adopt an empathetic feeling about his kids. You miss your DH and 'need' him around. If he isn't there you feel neglected and alienated right? Well, how do you think his kids might feel with their father so far away. That is their childhood right there and they don't have a dad full time in their lives. THAT has to be hard on them right?
How about a little bit of a compromise of sorts?
Maybe you guys do ONE visitation a month in your home then every other month, he does a longer visitation at the BM home in addition to one visit to your place? (you did mention she could stay elsewhere or I wouldn't recommend that haha). This would mean that you would only have one weekend a month with the skids in your home and only one weekend a month to deal with the drive etc. THEN, every other month, he does a longer visit with them at their place. This means that every other month he is gone for maybe a 4 days to a week? That isn't really too long to deal with is it?
Maybe also have a longer stay at your place during school breaks and adjust the other visitation if that can be worked out.
Definitely he should still call/text/talk/skype as much as possible other times.
That's what I needed. Thank
That's what I needed. Thank you. I am going to propose this to DH.
Yes. I can compromise and am willing to. I will at least try.
The empathy for his skids is still hard for me. I have been dragged through the mud for 3 years in regard to their visitation. It's taking me some healing time, longer than a week. I have to rebuild some trust and confidence in DH now that he's finally come around to normal human and dad behavior. He finally put the bottle down but I need some time to process and heal. He's earned what I am imposing. Actually, he's lucky I didn't just leave him. I think any other woman would have. BM did.
I understand empathy is hard.
I understand empathy is hard. Even when in our logical brain we KNOW that we should be able to, it's still difficult. I mean, you can kindof understand how the kids might be a bit of a mess since their family is apart. Kids (i don't know the ages) don't always have the capability of understanding why things are the way they are. They are naturally very self centered and don't understand that other people have feelings/wants/needs too. So, their point of view is that they are upset that their daddy isn't in the home and resent that they don't have his time and attention. They don't understand the complex reasons why the relationship with their mom didn't work out and don't understand the financial/time hardships that exist and the competing priorities that their dad faces.
It's sort of why I don't agree with putting animals through a long, protracted painful recovery for something like cancer. Animals don't understand the short term discomfort for the long term possibility of better health. All they feel is the current pain.
I completely understand where you are coming from on the visitation though. My skids lived anywhere from 2 to 4 hours one way from us. That meant a LOT of driving. Thank goodness that both the girls were reasonably well behaved. I mean, they had the clutter and lack of putting stuff away but were generally polite and not huge problems. I think the older girl resented the situation more but she never really put a voice to things so all we really got was a little less of a "warm" feeling from her. She is still a kind of reserved person as an adult, but we get along ok.
I would look on the calendar and see if you could maximise those one week a month visits so they were on 3 day weekends. Or, your DH could leave work a bit early on Friday to pick the kids up from school. My DH used to pick the kids up on friday at school then drop them back off monday morning. YES, it was an early morning but he would get them up and dressed then he would get them breakfast on the road. Sometimes he would stop off at the BM house before school so the kids could get different clothes then he would drive them to school. That way they got 3 nights when they came and I didn't have to do a lot of the driving with him. Not sure if he could work that out with his job or not.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I don't know your finances,
I don't know your finances, but one solution could be to buy a small apartment either near your home or near bm's home so that your husband can stay there with the kids for visitations then perhaps even rent it out on Airbnb or similar the weeks he does not need it.
Other than that you and your husband are going to have to sit down and come up with a couple of possible visitation schedules that are more manageable for both of you then either take it to court or see if BM is open to agreeing to modifying the court order and getting it signed off in court without a dispute.
I hope you can find a way to make it work.
Me? maybe a computer error. I
Me? maybe a computer error. I don't see two threads and didn't mean to post twice if you are meaning me.