Had been disengaged at least 9 months yet eldest sd calls daddy who was working overseas (state next to hers and her workplace a 5 min walk from hubbys that they could easily meet for lunch), she was fake crying on the phone blaming me (his wife) and our 2 kids aged 2.5 & 3.5 for existing and why they had a lack of relationship with daddy.

lets ignore the fact sd's chose to end their relationship with their dad for over 5.5 yrs over lies their mum made about their dad that they knew were lies. Easier to scapegoat and blame us than take responsibility for their own actions and inaction.

i told off my husband that he was a shitty husband and dad for allowing them to blame us instead of firmly telling them off but guilty daddy syndrome and all

I don't get it.. if you are disengaged from the kids.. why would you be telling them they missed their dad's birthday?

That would be an issue wholly between your DH and his kids.

If the kids are mad you disengaged from them? I doubt they care really..it doesn't impact them does it?  it's just the absence of your involvement and they are adults.. so.. I wouldn't expect much involvement.

I mean.. how would they even know you disengaged?

Disengagement is for you, not others, regardless of what they "do" with YOUR disengagement. I am disengaged from DHs kids; 5 years since I've seen them. DH is still in relation. If he doesn't get invites or phone calls or treated the way I think he should, I do NOT get invloved. It's not my business. It's DHs job to deal with his kids. The best you can do is offer your DH sympathy and lend an ear, but don't take on his pain. Again, his issue to deal with. I've gone as far as to not even "look" via the internet for info on DHs kids. The little I know over the five years is the few things he's let slip. 

So again, review your disengagement and make some adjustments. Search this site...you'll get ample suggestions and ideas.

Yeah Spawn plays the victim card all the time, I honestly don’t care because the people she knows aren’t any people I care to know.  DH’s parent’s aren’t happy that DH and Spawn are estranged and I have let them know often it’s not up to me to repair that relationship, it’s up to Spawn and DH and neither of them are doing anything.  I have zero qualms about sharing my side of what happened to us while we were raising Spawn.  

You might be disengaged but when the skids do stuff like this , it does affect the mood in the house.  It's not easy to watch your beloved spouse get abuse heaped on him on special days.  It is nice not be in the crosshairs anymore, thanks to disengagement.  My point is , just because you disengaged, doesn't mean the abuse stops affecting the home, it just has a different target who still reacts to it.  

My adult steps also punish their father, my DH, when something doesn't happen the way they think it should  

I have learned not to let it affect me at all. If DH wants to talk about it, ok, but there has to be a goal. Not just poor-poor me. If DH is mopey I find other things to do. I am NOT getting sucked in to their dysfunction.

This is the result of DH being a friend-parent, letting his kids call the shots from the time they were little. Now when he doesn't do as they command, he pays for it. I don't care if they blame me. And while I do hate it for DH, it's completely not my circus.

Ive disengaged to the point where I am a cordial polite "dads wife". And yes they notice. They try to suck you back in with their drama. SD16.5 Power Sulk told me during a recent meltdown/discussion "you only see me as grades or dishes", so that was her spin. I used to be super involved, so once I disengage I then just was only about the things that affected me. The dishes. Her grades and attendance (I figured if she has no other job, she needs to at least graduate high school...)

So, now, SD23 Feral Forger is "somewhere out there", but no contact, because she is not allowed back to live with us.

Forget about birthdays, or fathers day.

Husband is reaping the rewards of being a lazy parent.

Feral Forger, well, I did try once. Sent her bday presents gave her cash took her out to lunch just her and I. And all she can really say is that I "took her dad away".

Dang it some skids are so skilled at manipulating and twisting everything so they are the victim.

Disengage you are cold and not trying. Involved, they already have a mom back off. They have every right to who they choose to have a relationship with, they are adults now. The double standard, SM has no rights making that choice, cause if she disengages SHE is hurting the " toxic family"

Danged if you do, danged if you dont. 

Yes this does affect the whole family when the skids create the "Victim Narrative".

I disengaged from all but 1 SD and it has worked out well. There were some rough emotions at first, but since they are older and out of state it is not in our faces constantly which allows us to move on.

The hard part and the issue I am now dealing with is how to handle my biological children who loved their SDs but their SDs decided to go a different direction without them. I do not see this as a huge deal since they are younger and more resilient, but I did notice my son acting out and had to have a heart-to-heart with him. He expressed his frustrations about 1 of his half-sisters that he was close to and I explained that she is grown up, and loves him, but had to move on just like he will one day.

My home is really starting to take a different shape as I now am getting close to 3 months without contact with my SDs. They no longer get my wife and I's attention and our focus is on us having a great marriage and raising up these other 5 great kids. 

My 1 SD that is still in contact tried to speak to me this past weekend and wanted to tell me the drama from the other 3 and I shut her down and told her I don't want to hear it. She politely moved on.

Birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, Easter, etc. I am sure they won't acknowledge the sacrifice we made for them, but that is on them and not me. They wanted their space and we are starting to enjoy ours now. 

Most of my IL clan suffered from it for many, many years.  Idiot bosses that fired them because they knew more than the boss (no mentioin of the missed work, safey violations, disruptive behavior, etc...), no admitted cognition that they are the common denominator cause of their own repeated crap.

It is always someone else's fault.

I avoid people that pull this crap like the plague. They are a plague. Fortunately in the case of my IL clan, most of them have reduced their engagement with victim mode over the years. But .... DW and I both are always on watch for that shoe to drop again.