Stepmommag.com I checked it out a few times I had a one year subscription at one point and really want to get it again. It is a little costly for "just a magazine", but is a life saver!
Seriously, tomorrow I will cot and paste some of the articles here that I think I might I have posted here before under my nunya83 name (instead of nunya1983)
OK here is something that I loved so much from the stepmom magazine (is an online magazine:I am copying and pasting do bare in mind it might be in an awkward format
1 I MARRIED YOU IN SPITE OF YOUR KIDS, NOT
BECAUSE OF THEM. I never once fantasized about riding into the sunset with my prince charming … followed by a string of ponies. I was always the princess in my fairy tale, never the evil stepmother. I was excited about being your wife even though I knew I’d have to figure out how to be part of the family you created before you knew me, and I married you because no matter how many people told me how crazy I was or how saintly I must be, I believed I could foil the stereotype. And I knew our love could withstand anything that our life thrust upon us, I still believe that.
2 I DON’T KNOW IF I’D MARRY YOU ALL life thrust upon us. I still believe that.
OVER AGAIN. It’s a hypothetical ques- tion, and I wish you’d quit asking me. The fact is, I had no idea how hard this would be. And while I love you and have no plan to leave you or retract my commitment, there are days I wonder what the heck I was thinking. That’s not every day or even most days. But if I tell my best friend not to date the guy she just met because of the package deal he represents, you shouldn’t take it personally. You should just empathize with the fact that nobody can possibly be prepared for the quagmire of emotions step-family life brings.
3 I AM JEALOUS OF YOUR EX-WIFE. There.
I said it. You loved her first. She has memories of you and the kids that I will
never share. I compare myself to her and some-times unfavorably so. I love when she looks like crap. I hate when the kids compare my lasagna to hers or inform me that their mom cleans the bathroom floors with a different brand of cleaner. I’m not their mother and I don’t want to be, but it’s hard to be my own person with her shadow in my home.
4 WHEN YOU STAND UP TO HER, IT FEELS
LIKE YOU’RE CHOOSING ME. Please do it more often. I know we fight about this all the time. I understand that you’re just trying to keep the peace. But you knew when you married me that I am a powerful woman, and her presence in our life is the only thing I cannot address in my own way, with my own words and with my own power. That really stinks. I know I can get a little- or a lot—controlling about how you deal with her, but please try to understand how powerless I feel to affect my own life when it comes to her.
5 I DON’T LIKE WHEN THE KIDS DISRE-
SPECT YOU, AND I DON’T LIKE WHEN YOU GIVE IN TO YOUR EX BECAUSE YOU THINK IT’S BETTER TO KEEP THE PEACE. I love your strength and masculinity, and I would like to see it in all parts of your life. I know you feel guilty about everything that went down with the kids, but allowing them to break reasonable rules because you don’t want to be the bad guy is bad for us and bad for them.
6 THEY’RE NOT MY KIDS. I know they’re
the light of your life, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But I didn’t have the opportunity to fall in love with them when they were babies like you did. That’s why you can still love them even when they’re acting up, and I struggle more by seeing only what’s in front of me, which sometimes, you must admit, is less than their best selves. I go to their sporting events to be with you and to work toward forming this family we’ve made. Sometimes I feel guilty that I don’t love watching them play as much as you do, and guilt is only a short step away from resentment and starting to feel like I have to go. So, when I want to skip a school function to eat dinner with my girlfriends, kiss me goodbye without making
me feel like I’m a horrible person.
7 I’M NOT THEIR MOTHER. A lot of what I
do, I do to please you. I think the kids and I would find our own way eventually, but you’re used to the mom in the family taking on a certain role, and you’ve thrust me into it. Maybe I thought I could do it, or maybe I thought it was the only role open to me. But I’m learning that there might be better ways for me to fit into this family, and I’d like your support in figuring that out. I think there might be a way for me to be an awesome STEPmother, but in order for me to do that, we have to stop trying to make me the mom.
8 SOMETIMES I FEEL INVISIBLE. Like a really, truly look-through-me ghostly presence. When the kids come into the room and don’t acknowledge my presence or when the family starts telling stories about all the great times that occurred before I came into your life or that time your mom gave your ex a great big hug at your son’s graduation, I feel like I cease to exist. It would help a lot if you made it a point to favor me with that special look or reach for my hand so I feel
like I matter.
9 EVERY SINGLE THING I DO FOR YOUR
KIDS IS A FAVOR TO YOU. I know this is different than in a traditional two-parent family, but the fact is that your kids are your responsibility. I want to share in every aspect of your life, so I’m willing to help, but I’d really like it if you would thank me and show appreciation for what I do. I understand the kids are used to getting their needs met and won’t be overly appreciative of what I do for them, but I need you to be.
10 DESPITE ALL THESE THINGS, I AM
WITH YOU BECAUSE I WANT TO BE. Every day, I recommit myself to our life despite our challenges. This is exactly where I want to be. I know I act crazy sometimes and that my eruptions are difficult for you to take. You are caught in the middle and all you want is for me to be happy and for the kids to accept us as a family. While I may avoid articulating the things on this list, I want you to pay most attention to this last one. We didn’t know how hard it was going to be to form this family, but I’m in it for the long haul, and I still think we can beat the odds.
I married you because I love you and I want to build a life where we live happily ever after. And that is all.
Is It Time to Cut Yourself Some Slack?
Understanding How and Why to Disengage
From Your Current Role
by BRENDA SNYDER, LCSW Many stepmothers begin the commitment phase of their relationships with an engagement ring. Women who love men with children hear the statistical improbability of successful remarriage and dismiss it, knowing in their hearts that theirs is the love that will beat the odds. They excitedly embrace their new family and put every effort into making their inner reality match what is actually happening in the home they are joining.
Often, after some amount of time has passed, the disillusioned stepmother finds herself wondering what the heck she was thinking. The magic of the engagement has dissipated and a stepmother finds herself thinking of the exact opposite.
Five Signs It’s Time to Disengage
⊲ You feel angry and resentful a lot of the time. When your sincerest and most loving intentions are met with an absence of enthu- siasm at best, and apathy or scorn at worst, bitterness can seep into all the places where love used to live.
⊲ You are more invested in changing your stepchildren’s behavior than their father is. Even if you and your partner agree on most parenting points (and chances are you do not), when you are the parent spending the time and energy required to enforce rules, require hygiene and instill discipline, a dynamic often occurs where your partner abdicates his parenting responsibilities.
⊲ You frequently realize that you’re requiring things of yourself that are not appreciated or desired. Stepmothers often run themselves ragged trying to fill what they see as their appropriate role. Unfortunately, the expecta- tion they have of themselves is often very different from what their stepchildren want, and so angry and resentful stepchildren result and already fragile relationships suffer.
⊲ You’re spending more energy on being a stepmother than on being a wife. Ultimately, your relationship with your husband is the most important one you have in the step- family. It is the one that will be left when the kids are grown and starting their own families, and if your marriage is to survive it’s imperative that you prioritize it appropriately.
⊲ Your self-esteem is wrapped up in your relationships with your stepchildren. Overinvestment in your role as a stepmother, your stepchildren’s behavior or in how others perceive you in your family role is a sure path to a disintegrating self-image, anxiety or depression—and a broken relationship.
What is Disengagement?
One definition of the word disengage is “to break off action (as with an enemy).” In your darkest moments, your stepchildren prob- ably do feel like the enemy. The good news is that appropriately disengaging can eventually improve these relationships.
First and foremost, disengagement requires you to step away from the respon- sibility of raising your stepchildren. Many stepmothers believe that they must buy into the impossible dynamic of loving stepchil- dren exactly as they do or would love their own offspring. This fragile premise, then, should dictate a stepmother’s loving will- ingness toward all things parenting. Once a stepmother is hooked into this flawed thinking, the perceived or actual tasks and investment inevitably ensue. The problem, obviously, is that the stepchildren don’t have a similar paradigm and do not expect them- selves to love or even like their stepmother. The stepmother is stuck with the impossible assignment of attempting to “mother” chil- dren who already have a mother.
Women often want to come back in their next lives as husbands. Holidays happen, schedules are kept, groceries appear in the refrigerator and meals on the table, bills are paid and life just clicks along—with no apparent effort at all from the man of the house. Having usually been married or partnered before, husbands are often used to having their lives handled for them, and it just doesn’t occur to them that the role their former wife had in the household is not also appropriate for their currentwife. Our culture has not yet developed a healthy perspective on a stepmother’s role, so the husband’s point of view, combined with the perception that a good stepmother is one who behaves exactly like a mother minus any expectation of reciprocal positive feelings from her stepchildren, results in a stepmother redoubling her efforts at every sign of inevitable failure.
Refusing the responsibility of raising your stepchildren starts with an internal shift. You won’t successfully disengage until you change the way you perceive yourself in your family. When you become able to be invested only in matters that directly involve you, peace of mind follows. You can divest yourself of the concern that your stepchild’s bad behavior or lack of hygiene reflects on you. You can require respect without needing affection. You are able to return your focus to your marriage and other things outside of it—career, friends and hobbies—that defined you before you took on your stepmother job.
Your disengagement will result in your husband picking up the ball. When a stepmother is doing the parenting job, it allows her husband to step back from the responsibility. It might not happen as quickly as you would like, but if you quit doing the job he will eventually pick it back up. He won’t parent they way you would, or even the way you would want him to, but a disengaged stepmother has the ability to tolerate it.
Disengaging means you give yourself the choice to opt out of certain tasks. If you really don’t want to go to your stepchild’s 64th softball game this month, don’t. If you don’t want to spend your entire vacation with your stepchildren, make other plans so your husband and his children have time together. If you hate cooking but have felt obligated to provide the evening meal for the 543rd night
in a row, go out to dinner with your girlfriend. They won’t starve. I promise!
The Hard Realities
Things to remember when trying to disengage:
⊲ Your stepchildren are not your children. You are not responsible for the kind of people they are or the kind of people they will become.
⊲ It is not your responsibility, nor is it within your ability, to overcome perceived or actual flaws in your stepchildren’s mother’s parenting style.
⊲ Your stepchildren are your husband’s responsibility. Unfortunately, he may not parent them the way you think he should.
What if My Husband Doesn’t Like It When I Disengage? Um, yeah, he probably won’t. Why would he? His life goes along really well when you do all the work!
⊲ Lovingly explain to your husband why it is necessary for you to step back from your current role in order to strengthen your marriage. Don’t make it about his shortcomings or your stepchildren’s behavior. Talk with him about how your negative feelings are impacting your relationship with him, and that your desire is to carve out a role in the stepfamily in which your marriage can thrive.
⊲ Empathize with him about the adjustments that will be required. Be supportive of him as he takes over certain tasks and responsibilities. Be appreciative when he is willing to try out new things in the family.
⊲ Keep the lines of communication open. Regularly review how things are going. Make sure you tell him when you start to feel better.
When you are able to be more positive about his children, act on those feelings by complimenting them or by praising them to your husband.
⊲ Be clear about your need for his support in requiring respectful behavior toward you. You might not be trying to be the kids’ mom any more, but you are worthy of every bit of respect that your husband’s wife should get, and he needs to ensure this happens. Work on gently pointing out times that your stepchildren don’t acknowledge your pres- ence or are blatantly rude, and ask for your husband’s support in putting a stop to it.
⊲ Remember that you are still an adult in the household. You and your husband need to agree, behind closed doors, about rules and expectations. You are a 50/50 partner in all facets of your relationship—except parenting his children. Work out ways for you to maintain expectations without engaging in arguments or discipline. Having clear consequences for rule violations is a good way to avoid fights. If your husband won’t enforce the rules, stay out of it to the extent that it doesn’t affect you. For example, if a stepkid forgets a vital homework assignment at your house, it’s up to your husband to either take it to him or let him get a lesser grade; you don’t even need to be involved in the discussion.
⊲ Decide with your husband about how much to tell the kids. Depending on their ages, it might be appropriate to let them know that you won’t be doing certain things for them anymore, but that other arrangements are made for them to still get their needs met. Your behavior will reinforce it more than any discussion, though. If they ask you about a ride to or from some event, or wonder where their clean soccer uniform is, simply and politely refer them to their father.
Disengaged stepmothers are ones who take pride in things they can affect and don’t beat themselves up about things they cannot. They find ways to be positive influences on their stepchildren, just by being themselves. They are loving wives who are hugely invested in their marriages and less identified with their stepchildren. Disengaged stepmothers are in a win-win situation because in “caring” less, they feel better about themselves, and, paradoxically, they usually end up in better relationships with their stepchildren.
Disengagement is not an act of desperation, and you don’t have to be on your last nerve to give it a try. Emotionally healthy women who are committed to their partners often eventually realize that disengagement is their best bet for lasting happiness.
Is this for me? Wow thanks so
Is this for me? Wow thanks so much i will check it out!
Really, sometimes it might
Really, sometimes it might be, but I've never seen those, maybe the year I've subscribed it was the year of the step mom with the crazy bm?
Seriously, tomorrow I will
Seriously, tomorrow I will cot and paste some of the articles here that I think I might I have posted here before under my nunya83 name (instead of nunya1983)
OK here is something that I
OK here is something that I loved so much from the stepmom magazine (is an online magazine:I am copying and pasting do bare in mind it might be in an awkward format
1 I MARRIED YOU IN SPITE OF YOUR KIDS, NOT
BECAUSE OF THEM. I never once fantasized about riding into the sunset with my prince charming … followed by a string of ponies. I was always the princess in my fairy tale, never the evil stepmother. I was excited about being your wife even though I knew I’d have to figure out how to be part of the family you created before you knew me, and I married you because no matter how many people told me how crazy I was or how saintly I must be, I believed I could foil the stereotype. And I knew our love could withstand anything that our life thrust upon us, I still believe that.
2 I DON’T KNOW IF I’D MARRY YOU ALL life thrust upon us. I still believe that.
OVER AGAIN. It’s a hypothetical ques- tion, and I wish you’d quit asking me. The fact is, I had no idea how hard this would be. And while I love you and have no plan to leave you or retract my commitment, there are days I wonder what the heck I was thinking. That’s not every day or even most days. But if I tell my best friend not to date the guy she just met because of the package deal he represents, you shouldn’t take it personally. You should just empathize with the fact that nobody can possibly be prepared for the quagmire of emotions step-family life brings.
3 I AM JEALOUS OF YOUR EX-WIFE. There.
I said it. You loved her first. She has memories of you and the kids that I will
never share. I compare myself to her and some-times unfavorably so. I love when she looks like crap. I hate when the kids compare my lasagna to hers or inform me that their mom cleans the bathroom floors with a different brand of cleaner. I’m not their mother and I don’t want to be, but it’s hard to be my own person with her shadow in my home.
4 WHEN YOU STAND UP TO HER, IT FEELS
LIKE YOU’RE CHOOSING ME. Please do it more often. I know we fight about this all the time. I understand that you’re just trying to keep the peace. But you knew when you married me that I am a powerful woman, and her presence in our life is the only thing I cannot address in my own way, with my own words and with my own power. That really stinks. I know I can get a little- or a lot—controlling about how you deal with her, but please try to understand how powerless I feel to affect my own life when it comes to her.
5 I DON’T LIKE WHEN THE KIDS DISRE-
SPECT YOU, AND I DON’T LIKE WHEN YOU GIVE IN TO YOUR EX BECAUSE YOU THINK IT’S BETTER TO KEEP THE PEACE. I love your strength and masculinity, and I would like to see it in all parts of your life. I know you feel guilty about everything that went down with the kids, but allowing them to break reasonable rules because you don’t want to be the bad guy is bad for us and bad for them.
6 THEY’RE NOT MY KIDS. I know they’re
the light of your life, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But I didn’t have the opportunity to fall in love with them when they were babies like you did. That’s why you can still love them even when they’re acting up, and I struggle more by seeing only what’s in front of me, which sometimes, you must admit, is less than their best selves. I go to their sporting events to be with you and to work toward forming this family we’ve made. Sometimes I feel guilty that I don’t love watching them play as much as you do, and guilt is only a short step away from resentment and starting to feel like I have to go. So, when I want to skip a school function to eat dinner with my girlfriends, kiss me goodbye without making
me feel like I’m a horrible person.
7 I’M NOT THEIR MOTHER. A lot of what I
do, I do to please you. I think the kids and I would find our own way eventually, but you’re used to the mom in the family taking on a certain role, and you’ve thrust me into it. Maybe I thought I could do it, or maybe I thought it was the only role open to me. But I’m learning that there might be better ways for me to fit into this family, and I’d like your support in figuring that out. I think there might be a way for me to be an awesome STEPmother, but in order for me to do that, we have to stop trying to make me the mom.
8 SOMETIMES I FEEL INVISIBLE. Like a really, truly look-through-me ghostly presence. When the kids come into the room and don’t acknowledge my presence or when the family starts telling stories about all the great times that occurred before I came into your life or that time your mom gave your ex a great big hug at your son’s graduation, I feel like I cease to exist. It would help a lot if you made it a point to favor me with that special look or reach for my hand so I feel
like I matter.
9 EVERY SINGLE THING I DO FOR YOUR
KIDS IS A FAVOR TO YOU. I know this is different than in a traditional two-parent family, but the fact is that your kids are your responsibility. I want to share in every aspect of your life, so I’m willing to help, but I’d really like it if you would thank me and show appreciation for what I do. I understand the kids are used to getting their needs met and won’t be overly appreciative of what I do for them, but I need you to be.
10 DESPITE ALL THESE THINGS, I AM
WITH YOU BECAUSE I WANT TO BE. Every day, I recommit myself to our life despite our challenges. This is exactly where I want to be. I know I act crazy sometimes and that my eruptions are difficult for you to take. You are caught in the middle and all you want is for me to be happy and for the kids to accept us as a family. While I may avoid articulating the things on this list, I want you to pay most attention to this last one. We didn’t know how hard it was going to be to form this family, but I’m in it for the long haul, and I still think we can beat the odds.
I married you because I love you and I want to build a life where we live happily ever after. And that is all.
Bravo!!!
Bravo!!!
thats awesome thank you for
thats awesome thank you for posting!
OK here's a good one
OK here's a good one too:
Disengaging
Is It Time to Cut Yourself Some Slack?
Understanding How and Why to Disengage
From Your Current Role
by BRENDA SNYDER, LCSW Many stepmothers begin the commitment phase of their relationships with an engagement ring. Women who love men with children hear the statistical improbability of successful remarriage and dismiss it, knowing in their hearts that theirs is the love that will beat the odds. They excitedly embrace their new family and put every effort into making their inner reality match what is actually happening in the home they are joining.
Often, after some amount of time has passed, the disillusioned stepmother finds herself wondering what the heck she was thinking. The magic of the engagement has dissipated and a stepmother finds herself thinking of the exact opposite.
Five Signs It’s Time to Disengage
⊲ You feel angry and resentful a lot of the time. When your sincerest and most loving intentions are met with an absence of enthu- siasm at best, and apathy or scorn at worst, bitterness can seep into all the places where love used to live.
⊲ You are more invested in changing your stepchildren’s behavior than their father is. Even if you and your partner agree on most parenting points (and chances are you do not), when you are the parent spending the time and energy required to enforce rules, require hygiene and instill discipline, a dynamic often occurs where your partner abdicates his parenting responsibilities.
⊲ You frequently realize that you’re requiring things of yourself that are not appreciated or desired. Stepmothers often run themselves ragged trying to fill what they see as their appropriate role. Unfortunately, the expecta- tion they have of themselves is often very different from what their stepchildren want, and so angry and resentful stepchildren result and already fragile relationships suffer.
⊲ You’re spending more energy on being a stepmother than on being a wife. Ultimately, your relationship with your husband is the most important one you have in the step- family. It is the one that will be left when the kids are grown and starting their own families, and if your marriage is to survive it’s imperative that you prioritize it appropriately.
⊲ Your self-esteem is wrapped up in your relationships with your stepchildren. Overinvestment in your role as a stepmother, your stepchildren’s behavior or in how others perceive you in your family role is a sure path to a disintegrating self-image, anxiety or depression—and a broken relationship.
What is Disengagement?
One definition of the word disengage is “to break off action (as with an enemy).” In your darkest moments, your stepchildren prob- ably do feel like the enemy. The good news is that appropriately disengaging can eventually improve these relationships.
First and foremost, disengagement requires you to step away from the respon- sibility of raising your stepchildren. Many stepmothers believe that they must buy into the impossible dynamic of loving stepchil- dren exactly as they do or would love their own offspring. This fragile premise, then, should dictate a stepmother’s loving will- ingness toward all things parenting. Once a stepmother is hooked into this flawed thinking, the perceived or actual tasks and investment inevitably ensue. The problem, obviously, is that the stepchildren don’t have a similar paradigm and do not expect them- selves to love or even like their stepmother. The stepmother is stuck with the impossible assignment of attempting to “mother” chil- dren who already have a mother.
Women often want to come back in their next lives as husbands. Holidays happen, schedules are kept, groceries appear in the refrigerator and meals on the table, bills are paid and life just clicks along—with no apparent effort at all from the man of the house. Having usually been married or partnered before, husbands are often used to having their lives handled for them, and it just doesn’t occur to them that the role their former wife had in the household is not also appropriate for their currentwife. Our culture has not yet developed a healthy perspective on a stepmother’s role, so the husband’s point of view, combined with the perception that a good stepmother is one who behaves exactly like a mother minus any expectation of reciprocal positive feelings from her stepchildren, results in a stepmother redoubling her efforts at every sign of inevitable failure.
Refusing the responsibility of raising your stepchildren starts with an internal shift. You won’t successfully disengage until you change the way you perceive yourself in your family. When you become able to be invested only in matters that directly involve you, peace of mind follows. You can divest yourself of the concern that your stepchild’s bad behavior or lack of hygiene reflects on you. You can require respect without needing affection. You are able to return your focus to your marriage and other things outside of it—career, friends and hobbies—that defined you before you took on your stepmother job.
Your disengagement will result in your husband picking up the ball. When a stepmother is doing the parenting job, it allows her husband to step back from the responsibility. It might not happen as quickly as you would like, but if you quit doing the job he will eventually pick it back up. He won’t parent they way you would, or even the way you would want him to, but a disengaged stepmother has the ability to tolerate it.
Disengaging means you give yourself the choice to opt out of certain tasks. If you really don’t want to go to your stepchild’s 64th softball game this month, don’t. If you don’t want to spend your entire vacation with your stepchildren, make other plans so your husband and his children have time together. If you hate cooking but have felt obligated to provide the evening meal for the 543rd night
in a row, go out to dinner with your girlfriend. They won’t starve. I promise!
The Hard Realities
Things to remember when trying to disengage:
⊲ Your stepchildren are not your children. You are not responsible for the kind of people they are or the kind of people they will become.
⊲ It is not your responsibility, nor is it within your ability, to overcome perceived or actual flaws in your stepchildren’s mother’s parenting style.
⊲ Your stepchildren are your husband’s responsibility. Unfortunately, he may not parent them the way you think he should.
What if My Husband Doesn’t Like It When I Disengage? Um, yeah, he probably won’t. Why would he? His life goes along really well when you do all the work!
⊲ Lovingly explain to your husband why it is necessary for you to step back from your current role in order to strengthen your marriage. Don’t make it about his shortcomings or your stepchildren’s behavior. Talk with him about how your negative feelings are impacting your relationship with him, and that your desire is to carve out a role in the stepfamily in which your marriage can thrive.
⊲ Empathize with him about the adjustments that will be required. Be supportive of him as he takes over certain tasks and responsibilities. Be appreciative when he is willing to try out new things in the family.
⊲ Keep the lines of communication open. Regularly review how things are going. Make sure you tell him when you start to feel better.
When you are able to be more positive about his children, act on those feelings by complimenting them or by praising them to your husband.
⊲ Be clear about your need for his support in requiring respectful behavior toward you. You might not be trying to be the kids’ mom any more, but you are worthy of every bit of respect that your husband’s wife should get, and he needs to ensure this happens. Work on gently pointing out times that your stepchildren don’t acknowledge your pres- ence or are blatantly rude, and ask for your husband’s support in putting a stop to it.
⊲ Remember that you are still an adult in the household. You and your husband need to agree, behind closed doors, about rules and expectations. You are a 50/50 partner in all facets of your relationship—except parenting his children. Work out ways for you to maintain expectations without engaging in arguments or discipline. Having clear consequences for rule violations is a good way to avoid fights. If your husband won’t enforce the rules, stay out of it to the extent that it doesn’t affect you. For example, if a stepkid forgets a vital homework assignment at your house, it’s up to your husband to either take it to him or let him get a lesser grade; you don’t even need to be involved in the discussion.
⊲ Decide with your husband about how much to tell the kids. Depending on their ages, it might be appropriate to let them know that you won’t be doing certain things for them anymore, but that other arrangements are made for them to still get their needs met. Your behavior will reinforce it more than any discussion, though. If they ask you about a ride to or from some event, or wonder where their clean soccer uniform is, simply and politely refer them to their father.
Disengaged stepmothers are ones who take pride in things they can affect and don’t beat themselves up about things they cannot. They find ways to be positive influences on their stepchildren, just by being themselves. They are loving wives who are hugely invested in their marriages and less identified with their stepchildren. Disengaged stepmothers are in a win-win situation because in “caring” less, they feel better about themselves, and, paradoxically, they usually end up in better relationships with their stepchildren.
Disengagement is not an act of desperation, and you don’t have to be on your last nerve to give it a try. Emotionally healthy women who are committed to their partners often eventually realize that disengagement is their best bet for lasting happiness.
I wish I remembered this
I wish I remembered this article when I started disengaging! I'm going to read and reread this now though!