2 week new SM vent session
I am a 29 yo new stepmom. My DH, 32, and I got married just a couple months ago but we've been together since September 2022. I just moved to a new state with my DH where his three kids and BM live. I have been struggling heavily for the past couple months with the idea of being a SM to three whole kids, 4yoSD, 7yoSS, and 10yoSS. I've had anxiety attacks amidst anger and depression which worsened thinking thoughts such as, "What am I signing up for?", and "I have to deal with a BM in my life" and "Why did he have to have 3 whole kids?". He had told me that the BM cheated on him during his deployment, because she claimed he had cheated when he hadn't. But that was after the 1st one, yet they had two more after....they were married young. I come from a religious family and worked hard to be an independant pre-med travel nurse. These thoughts manifested in trying to communicate this to my BF at the time and moving 3 times in a year, helping him unpack his baggage (all the furniture and stuff he had since his divorce 3 years ago), move out of his extransitional girlfriend's house (that's a situation in itself), and dealing with stress from full time school and work. I've always managed the finances and helped him dream bigger to leave the service, go to school or start a business, and invest in real estate to create generational wealth for his family and ours one day, trying to help him figure his life out since he no longer was in the service, he was unemployed and had no idea what he is doing in life yet.
I've never met a man whom I love so much, yet when we communicate its full of anger, pain, silence. FAST FORWARD I am sitting in the new apartment I set up for us, and the kids have been over or we've been driving to family and dealing with kids as soon as we arrived, Suddenly I was being pulled in every direction by these three kids, running, punching each other, screaming, crying...the lot through Christmas and New years. I don't know where the days have gone, they have been a stressful blur.
I had to help my DH from morning to night, and since we have no furniture they are sleeping on an air mattress and the youngest and even the 7 yo with us in bed. I feel like i enstranged myself from DH since the move, and all the things that have happened in the past year, we bought a house with a dream of turning it into a short term rental but realizing it needs Reno money and he has been unemployed since he left the service in November 2023, we are paying for a mortgage and the rent of an apartment, and I've been working my butt off to get Endorsed to nurse in WI if not both WI and IL, being a Washington resident for 10 years.
It has been quite the adjustment. Let's just say I felt like I was going to go crazy, and with my DH and I having communication problems we have been getting into fights. I tried to suck it up and plan a day for the kids and us, just the two youngest to go to the Chicago planetarium and kids museum. But on our way we had an argument and I demanded to be dropped off and ended up taking a Lyft home. I felt lost, misunderstood, andf my husband was suddenly too busy and overwhelmed for me every day since getting back. He followed me back to the house with the kids and that's when we had a huge argument. Fast forward, I've been mentioning divorce, and he has been loving and forgiving since the argument, and my heart just hurts.
I love him so much, I just wish he didn't have those kids..seeing him as a bachelor and suddenly I was in a whirlwind into what feels like the most stressful part of my life. I've been crying for 2 days now, I've called my mom, I booked myself an online mental health consult. Oh and the 7yo went and told his teacher we had a bad fight and now the BM is messaging my DH saying that to be careful because they could report it . I'm so embarrassed and I'm so depressed with thoughts of suicide, especially now I feel so guilty, like I lead my DH on that I would be a supportive wife, like how he has been there for me. I can't imagine my life without him, but this has gotten out of hand. What can we even say to the BM?
Ignore BM. What happens in
Ignore BM. What happens in your home is none of her business. It's not a crime to have an argument (I'm hoping you didn't get violent) with your spouse. An argument is not report worthy.
OTOH, you absolutely MUST find a solution to the sleeping arrangements. You should never be in a bed with an unrelated child. You're leaving yourself open to all sorts of accusations... Now THAT can be reported.
I'd suggest counselling for both of you to overcome the communication issues you have . You should be able to talk without things flaring up.
Finally, please don't mention divorce unless you are ready to go through with it . Supposing he decides to call your bluff?
Go to Counseling
I realize you must be thinking, "Can't she read! Can't she tell I'm overwhelmed without going thru the hassle of counseling?" The reason I suggest this is that I can remember the feeling of overwhelming panic when I was suddenly having 3 stepkids every minute of every weekend while working full time and having 2 bios of my own. Like you, I deeply loved my DH and hated the thought of us splitting but those 3 aggressive, loud, active kids and their nutso BM were over the top. It took me 4 years to hit bottom and go to counseling as a last ditch effort but it changed my life (and DH's and the 5 kids). I hope you won't wait that long.
In the meantime, dial everything back. You and DH are in survival mode. Don't even attempt an ambitious trip like tha planetarium. First step, get the bedding situation straightened out, maybe sleeping bags for now. Make up with your DH and urge him to get a job, even if it's not his ideal, he needs to take some of the financial pressure off you. You've just moved, get settled, eat healthily, get enough rest. Does he have a CO? Familiarize yourself with it in detail and don't deviate an inch. Keep your eye on DH so he doesnt get guilted into giving BM more $ than specified in the CO or getting the kids dumped on him more than specified in the CO, aka as BM using you guys as a babysitter. Yes, I saw it all.
You have got an awful lot going on. You"re a smart lady. Cut back anything you can but realize those kids are part of your life as long as you're with DH. I didn't really accept that reality til counseling but thank goodness I finally did cuz the kids started moving in with us full time. I never dreamed it could happen but you're only a heartbeat away from that.
Find a good counselor. Worst case, if its not going to work, they can help you make the decision to split. I wish you the best, your post brought back many memories. I'm 79 now, DH is 86, the "kids" are in their late 50s and 69s. it can work out. Coming to grips with it all and raising the 5 kids is the most important thing I did in my lifr. Good luck.
Get out of your own way. Or leave.
When my DW and I met and were dating and I realized that I wanted to make a life with her, I also knew that meant being a parent to her son. When choosing to engage in a life with a prior breeder, that includes their failed family progeny. Particularly when those progeny are minors and the person you choose to make a life with has either custody or significant visitation.
If you want a life with this man, you need to find a way to include his children in the life you want to make together with him. WIthout you being the issue. If he parents well, his kids are reasonably behaved, and his X is reasonable, then... you... are the problem.
No indication that these kids are behavioral issues nor that BM is a problem. She called to give the father of her children a heads up that the kids had spoken of your fight while they were at school.
First thing.... never fight in front of the kids. Ever.
If you cannot get out of your own way, then end this and let him get on with his life and raising his kids.
You are a highly marketable medical professional. Focus on that, and get on with your own life.
Please get help if you are
Please get help if you are having suicidal thoughts...there is always another way. Your life has changed greatly in a relatively short period of time and it sounds like you have made a lot of concessions to be with your husband. A lot of nurses have a bit of a saviour complex...we like to come into a situation and fix everything. It took me a long time to realize that the best thing I could do for my family was to introduce and maintain healthy boundaries and not stress about what I couldn't control. It sounds like you have taken a lot of responsibility upon yourself...maybe try to let go a little. I understand supporting your DH but he is ultimately responsible for finding a job, contributing to the household and raising HIS children. Tell BM to go fly a kite if she's being a jerk. Or don't say anything at all. You aren't obligated to communicate with her. As long as there's no abuse or neglect in your home, it's really none of her business what goes on there. I do agree with not bed sharing though...that's problematic for a number of reasons. You sound like a smart and caring person with a lot on your plate... take care of YOU.
It sounds like you are "over-functioning" for your DH.
It sounds like you are "over-functioning" for your DH. He is an adult, and his is the father of his children - so he should be completely respnsible for them. He needs to step up and start taking care of things. The first thing he needs to do is get a job - any kind of job. If he is having trouble, he should check with the local VA. You should not be financially supporting his children.
What you may find, is if you take a step back and let him take responsibility for his children, he will actually start doing more. It is too late, as you are already married, but this man should have had a period of time alone where he figured out how to parent his kids on his own. It sounds like he went from his ex to a girlfriend to you and never had that chance. You need to create space where he has to parent his kids on his own, even with you in the picture.
You need to immediately quit sleeping in the same bed with the kids. That is something that should no be happening as it is too easy to have something happen that could be misunderstood.
Step life is hard
People who don't live it just don't understand. Your feelings are normal. But you must set your limits. You must understand, these are DH and BM kids,. BM is a active mother. These kids will never see you more then DH wife. Not a mother.
'FIRST no sleeping in bed with a unrelated kid. Don't give BM any source of ammunition. SECOND and more to it. It's DH kids. He should take care of them. If he's not home the kids go to BM You are not the built in babysitter. He should be doing the cooking , cleaning . Taking care of them not you
READ these boards. Woman try to mother there SK but down the road they become something on the kids shoes. SK must respect you. There are not going to like you , First tine you say NO. Then go ti there father and he says YES undercutting you.
DH should be working. Did he try Walmart. Cleaning floors are worst then taking money from you. ? McDonald ? Gas station, Uber. You can be working for Uber in a day. You have more problems then you know. Someone who loves you would not be sitting on his ass doing nothing. Matbevtgerevard other reason for his divorce