Hello!
I am brand new to this site, but I definitely wanted to reach out to you Stepkarma and discuss being the stepmom (I do not have any kids of my own) to a child with special needs!
Ready...GO!

I am a newlywed (we will be married 1 yr next month) and a stepmom. My husband has two daughters which I met when they were 5 and 3...now they are 8 and 6! But the youngest has Angelman Syndrome (she can't speak, motor skills/development is delayed, etc...) and it is very difficult. Talk about a unique set of challenges! It can be so overwhelming at times. I'd love to hear about your challenges and compare notes on how to handle!

I am glad I found this forum to post about this.  I am going to sound like a terrible person, i know.  I just need a place to get input and ideas and just let it out.

I have been married to my wife (i am her wife just to set that basis as well) for just over 2 years.  We were together for 2 years before that.  Her middle daughter has DeGeorge Syndrome.  When i first met everyone it was good, once the oldest and youngest accepted me and knew i wasn't going to be a jerk like previous partners my wife had.  I have had some health issues my wife has been a saint to care for me through.  She helped with the care of my mother at the end when we had to do everything as Mom was on hospice and unresponsive.  My wife is a very good person, very caring and kind hearted.  She has a great sense of humor.  She hasn't done anything wrong, no one has.  except me.  

I just dont feel the same as i did, moslty becuase of the middle child.  she is 20 years old, but mentally she is about 3 years old.  She is a happy person most of the time, but does have times where she gets combative for no apparent reason.  We have given her time outs and work wtih her on what is not appropriate behavior, we have to repeat it because she cant understand like others.

So, i have developed an intense dislike for her and her behavior, even when she's good, she just is always there, always talking, always singing, always in the same small circle of topics.  I have worked had to rewire my brain to be understanding about how this syndrome works, and how she is and will always be.  she will never move out, she will never be able to care for herself.  my wife said from the beginning she would never put this child in any type of home, and i agree, regardless of where it goes.  i dont think she would thrive in a home or something away from her mom for very long at all.

so, my dilema is that i am so frustrated wtih this child and everything that goes with her that i do not want to stay wtih my wife.  i know this wasn't a secret from the beginning, and it wasn't any issued for a long time.  they are all good kids, so i am very fortunate for that.  but i feel an axiety and anger that builds when she is around. my feelings for my wife have changed a lot.  she is aware of things, but not exactly in the know that i do not want to stay married.  and i dont want to break hearts, but its bound to be.  and i am just so unhappy that, as a recovering alchoholic, i want to drink.  and i have been taking anxiety pills to stay at a stable level and not get so angry.

i was never with someone who had kids, and they were older when we met, so it wasn't really a big thing.  they were 10, 16 and 17 when we met.  the oldest turned 18 and after graduation she moved out of the house.

ive tried to change my thikning, to tell myself i love this family, look at all the good things, plan a future.  but then this part of me, deep in my heart, wants to be on my own again.  i was 48 when we got married.  she was 38.  i am not in love iwth her and i am not attracted to her the way i was before, i sill love her but i am not in love.  she is like a good friend really.  but even that is strained because she wants me to talk about a few things that i am not ready to talk about (childhood things, losing my mom, taking care of my dad, issues with my siblings, etc)  i just want to get past things.

Sorry, for being so long winded.  i am trying to be as open and clear as i can so you can see what is going on.  I know i am a terrible person for not being able to love this child the way she needs, but the longer i stay the more i resent her.  she has quirks/ocd things, and they are the direct opposite of mine, which i wish i could get past, but closing the bathroom door all the time, mold grows and it stinks, turning off lights when we are sitting in the room... stuipd little things that really shouldn't matter, i mean, open the door, and turn the light back on.  but i want to just scream about it.  

i hope you will be a little bit kind when you tell me i am bad and i need to grow up.  i know that, i just need options for how to deal with all of this.  maybe there is something i can do that i haven't thought of.

thank you,

numballover