It sounded like a lot of people applied their own situation to it. I didn't, and I thought it was okay. I see both sides and think either side could have easily written it, BM or SM. I only looked at the content, no outside influences.BM in my situation couln't have written it to me, it just wouldn't make any sense if she did. I really have nothing to do with her son about 360 out of 365 days a year.

"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"

I think some of the responses would have changed. I however did not respond to that specific post about the letter, i did read it though and many of the comments about it. Either way to me how i look at it, she thought she was doing a good thing by posting the letter. Her intentions were in the right place, but others feel the need to make it a bad thing. I enjoyed reading the letter, and I put my self in it as I was reading, thinking how would I feel if it was written to me. I can honestly say there was an incident recently that came out like the letter, but we instead spoke about it over the phone and both agreed what was done was wrong and to drop it and move on from there.

No, even it was a long standing member and a SM

Yes, mu response was based more on my own relationship to my skids mom. I am friendly and I never talk bad about her to skids. Also I know many stepmothers and they would NEVER imagine doing or saying the things that the letter outlined so I feel that it was just assuming that ALL SM's were that way.

Finally, if the BM in my situation were to have written me that I letter I would have responded that she is delusional and needs to get over herself because none of that applies in our situation.

not the one you are looking for a response to because I responded non-objectively on the other post. I personally took no offense, but then I try, I repeat TRY (am not always successful) to not read anything further than what was said. The letter does seem like the BM blames the SM to some extent, but it also reads as if she is trying to extend the Olive Branch too.

My response would have remained the same regardless of WHO wrote the letter and what their title. I tried to remain neutral and speak on MY situation rather than a general one.

Yes my response was based PURELY on my situation with the BM that I deal with and htat alone although I tried to address some of the issues that the author posed in her letter.

Personally I don't think I would EVER get a letter like this from the Bm that I deal with. As I mentioned before I wrote one like this to BM. She actually took the letter and turned it around. She read bits and pieces of the letter to the skids rather than the entirety (even though I don't feel she needed to share it with them at all as it was an adult matter). In my letter I pointed out how she should help me with working on improving their then poor behaviors and attitudes and I addressed a couple of specific examples. Well BM read the pieces where I was displeased with the kids behavior to them. A couple of years later the letter came up again. The kids actually read it in its entirety and admitted that BM had shared it with them but she left out the pieces where I was asking her to put all differences aside and be a better parent. To stop putting her own special needs aside and pay attention to theirs. That I said that they would love her if she never did another thing for them and it didn't need to be a competition. That she didn't need to buy their love and attention, she just needed to BE there. So, when the kids got wind of the letter in its ENTIRETY they actually APOLOGIZED for the way in which they had treated me. GASP! :shocked: They had treated me badly and said some really nasty things based on that letter and things that BM had said.

So unfortunately and sadly, it would never happen for me that BM and I get along cordially. I can rest peacefully knowing that I really did try... In fact, I did try for nearly 8 years. Put a fork in me cause I'm done building inroads.

I hope this helps, but I am only one person and this is only my one opinion based on my circumstances.

Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P

My response would be the same. For the most part I thought the letter was ok. It just bothered me that the BM didn't see her jealousy as part of the problem. I made a commment about the BM thinking that the SM wanted to replace her in Angel's blog. I made that comment because I HATE that BM's assume that the new woman wants to replace her as "mom".

I guess I'm picking on that because a very good friend of mine is convinced that her ex's new girlfriend is trying to replace her as mom. I told her she was being crazy. His GF has met the kids exactly TWO TIMES! She is well aware that these kids have a mom that they love unconditionally. My friend is a normally sane and rational person. She does not want her ex back nor does she still have feelings for him. But out of blue she decided that she was getting replaced. I've been trying to tell her for the past week that she is not getting replaced but its just not sinking in. *le sigh*

that a lot of the tension that has been flying around here lately is due to this:

We all may have ONE thing in common here, BLENDED FAMILIES. We either are SM's, SD's, SF's, BD's.. we all have SOME role that is a result of a divorce (one night stand, break up... what ever) the point is WE SHARE KIDS WITH DIFFERENT HOUSEHOLDS. That is what we have in common. What we are failing to remember lately is that NO TWO SITUATIONS ARE THE SAME. I can say from my personal upbringing, my stepmom was HORRIBLE. I can only hope to be the exact opposite for my SS, and PRAY TO GOD that my girls NEVER EVER have to deal with a SM like her, or anything close to it.

So, why is it that we have this wonderful site that was created for us to vent and get things off our chest, that seems to be causing so many fights amongst each other? I personally JUST read Angels post of of curiousity after reading another post that referred to the HYPE in Angels post. WHY didn't I read Angels original post??? WEll, I will tell you ... the title "A View From the Other Side". I steared clear of it because frankly, I am not in the mindset for a view from the other side. I have no desire to hear what BM could possibly have to say to me. Honestly... while this is America, and freedom of speech is alive and well, and obviously practiced on this site OFTEN... there comes a time when we just need to let a sister get sh*t off her chest. It sounds to me like the SM she is dealing with is a lot like my SM that I grew up with... and I applaud my mom for not killing that b*tch. So instead of getting support here, she gets lynched? She clearly had some issues on her mind... and whether or not she is a BM instigator in actuality WE WILL NEVER KNOW. Like Meliss said: sometimes posts should not be applied to our own situations. There is just no comparison. I dunno~ I'm just sayin...

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ ; )

Myself I read that letter as if the BM I have to deal with had wrote that to me. When I met my DH I had no problems with her, but heard the stories from my DH; his parents and HER MOTHER. But I looked at it this way - Thanks to her screw-up I have a wonderful man. So I have no reason to hate her. UNTIL THE ATTACKS ON MY CHILDREN, The numerous false police report, Her and her husband attempts attempts to alienate my SK from the DH. the DCF reports, The desire to know how much I make so she can profit off me. And most of all her holier than thou attitude.

The way she uses her kids as weapons, to try an just kill my DH, the way she attempted to pull up to my house yelling at me demanding she has everyright to be on my property.

I am a very blunt and direct person.I dont beat around the bush I stick to the facts and my mind does not change depending on the wind.

I dont blackmail, my ex, I dont use mind games on my BD and I would never put my kids in the worst clothes I could possibly find at the salvation army for visitation (this has included no underwear on the SK) just to get at my EX.

I know this is how I read the letter. But with my Ex's new wife - I liked her she straighten his ass out until she smarted up and got the hell out of there -

So no I didnt start off hating her...For me it was a learned behavior that and I will never NEVER have any sort of respect for her - there fore I will never like her.

bothered me the most about the letter. The letter was instructing "cooperation" from stepmom, I found that to be extremely condescending. I can definately be civil, but to tell me to "cooperate" with you, you must be out your damn mind to say that! That's what made it sound like the BM in the letter needed to get over herself.

Secondly, there is no need for a relationship with BM. It is not a requirement for a happy, healthy family. My skids BM is not someone I would ever associate with even if there were no skids and if she was never married to my BF. I have no respect for that type of woman. And it's not based off what BF says, it's based of facts.

I do however believe that it is important to be polite and respectful to her at all times... at exchanges, at events for the children, or when she calls, regardless of my personal opinion of her. Do I go out of my way to be nice, not really. But she is always greeted with a smile and a positive attitude and that's all that matters.

"I love my child and I believe you love my child as well. That should be enough common ground for a good starting point of cooperation."

I interpreted that as the BM saying that the SM needed to cooperate with BM because the letter is all about the SM's actions so to me that infers a lack of cooperation on SM's part. My opinion is SM's never need to "cooperate" it's just important that they are civil.

"I have tried my hardest to avoid you at all costs so this situation does not escalate but, if you are ever inclined to lay down the gauntlet and start anew in the spirit of cooperation I would welcome the fresh start."

Again interpreted that as the same as before. Maybe it's just the wording I have a problem with.

None the less, It is EXTREMELY important to be civil and polite in these situation which we all can agree on. I just think the letter could have been written with a different tone.

Personally, I would be really surprised to see a letter like that come from someone on here. It seems to me that the experience of being a stepmom would give a biomom way more compassion, understanding, and less of a martyr complex than that letter had. I would think that being both, and reading all the frustrations people vent on this site, would give any woman who is a biomom and a stepmom a much more balanced understanding of both sides.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

What is your opinion, in regard to what the letter says, about it possibly being a matter that should be handled like this (if BM and BD were sane and SM was really the problem):

BM speaks with Ex-H regarding the issues and asks EX to help regarding the matter because BM would like things to be more civil for the sake of skids.

Ex-H discusses it with SM

I think most people could have and would have easily applied that letter to their own situation. I didn't directly write a response to the letter, but mine would have been along the lines of Priciplist and Namaste.

If I would have ever received a letter like that from BM, I would laugh so hard I would pee my pants. I extended the olive branch way too many times in the beginning and didn't let SIL's opinions make mine of BM until I saw her true colors. DH doesn't talk about BM, and we NEVER talk about BM to Skids. SIL had to fill me in on the gory details. She said she wouldn't feel right with us getting married if I didn't know the truth. I tried and tried to be nice, be cordial, etc, but all it got me was several attempts to arrest me, a restraining order attempt and $1000 bill for an attorney.

So, to answer the real question here, no Gestalt, my opinion would not change if it was someone I knew here from ST or not.

Honestly, I don't think letters have the same effect for the person receiving them as the person writing them. Writen word is so easily misinterpreted, and as Priciplist explained, easily used against the writer.

Is this just something you are curious about? Or are you taking notes from us for a paper?

I think I will have to ponder my response in my own blog now, as I don't want to add another log to the fire here. Because this reads like an essay for cultural anthropology class to me.

"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?" ~Hamlet Act III scene I