is anything harder?
i mean we are all here cuz we met someone and fell in love and thought that would be enough
and then the baggage shows up. ex's, emotions and yes even children.
i have four from my farce...and somedays i feel like they are gonna wreck my chances at being happy.
and they KNOW THAT they are a strain on my new life...and they feel horrible...not bad enough to change mind you...but bad all the same
i feel bad for my new love
BF doesnt' pay full childsupport, and although he wants to have shared custody......it NEVER works out like that. a weekend without my kids is non exsistent. we live in the same town as BF and kids just run in between. i finally saw a lawyer and asked for primary CUZ really they are HERE! but i dont 'have much of a back bone. and will probably back down on the whole basis that i still can't decide what is best for these kids. what i realize is that those kids are half me and if there is friction between new love and them, it feels like i am being torn in half
torn between love and love and feeling pressure to choose one.
i'm not sure how many crazy relationships are going on here. but 8 of us live here. 5 fulltime and 2 most of the time and 1 on a schedule that isn't nearly enough. we got 2 bdays this month. and i am hoping they will go over smoothly.
i know that they will all leave (hopefully come back to visit) and it will just be us......and that makes me smile
cuz i know we are good. but how much can we take of the rest of it.
the kids wear on me...but i love them!
they wear on him
and it hurts me...
and even if what he says about them is true....it still hurts me. and i can say the same things about them...and its ok......cuz i know i can be mad and still love them.
and yes, it bugs him that they treat me poorly and are so disrespectful and argue and push issues and lie and take advantage of me
it bugs him that i believe them and hope for them and still see the good in them
and i wish i knew how to make it all better. before there is an elephant in the room the size of china and sitting and having tea is impossible
i know they need boundries and really i change my mind everyday on what is best for them.
i apply for primary and full child support but my youngest hates being here, is so disrespectful that i just want to let her live with her BF
but then the mothering kicks in and i know he can't do it on his own. and as much as she hates me, she needs me. so sending her away seems wrong, even if it is just across town and then putting up with her crap is just as wrong. she will do nothing I ASK OF HER, let alone he ask her. somedays she even refuses to acknowledge eh spoke to her...and i mean, like he says...HI, how are you today?...
its a constant power struggle for her, i KNOW she is just dying for attention and is manipulating everythign to get her way, but she's a kid and she doesn't have a hot clue what she wants or needs. she's seeing a councillor for anger management, and past that, i'm at a loss.
every day is an egg shell experience, will she want to co operate and be here? or just see how much she can annoy everyone else here?
so....any ideas? how to make a child comply when they can call thier dad and walk out at anytime they dont' get their way?
and if you make them stay its really not any better......she is more harmful to others when she stays.

unfortunaelty for my kids, i seem to have an i'm here for the long haul attitude. i dont expect changes immediately or perfection
i guess i don't expect much at all....
hmmm i should change that!!!!!
and the sp is more likely to hit the "done, had enough of this shit button." and tune out.

having said all that. my dh is the most amazing man in the world and i know he wakes up every morning and is willing to try something new.
its one of those amazing things i love about him.
i've been very lucky in that his kids are totally fine with us and have never given us even a hint of issue, and i know i would not have stood up so well as he has, had our positions been reversed.

and i love my kids. trouble makers that they are...i love them
Ok....they aren't bad all the time...not even most of the time. they are really cute when they sleep...
they have TONES of postive and potential in them, but yes, we need some US time....so we remember why it is we are together.
cuz i do think love can be bigger than these problems.
i do think we will make it through this
i'm not sure i'll still have hair...but i think i'll be breathing!