"We" and a sarcastic letter to BM
Apparently the term "we" sets BM off. I'm wondering if this is the same for other BM's or just my SS's. BF sent BM an email stating that "we haven't made plans for SS's birthday yet but we're thinking it might be at a skating rink, bowling alley..." etc etc. BM shot back with, "I hope that by "WE" you mean you and SS because no one else should be involved with his birthday or the planning of it! And I know this is going to be misinterpreted!"
First of all, we're a family. If BF is going to throw a party for SS, he's going to be spending OUR money to do it and WE are going to be there as a family. Not to mention *I* am going to have to help with a lot of the preparation - which I am glad to do - as being the woman of the house I do certain things better like sending out invitations and preparing food.
Secondly, I think it's pretty passive-aggressive to say "I know this is going to be misinterpreted". "WE" all know what you meant, it's pretty obvious, and pointing that out as a "misinterpretation" to make BF look like the bad guy just makes you look angry and petty.
Maybe I'll send BM an email. Here's how it would go:
Dear BM,
Thanks for pointing out that BF and SS are a family which I am no part of. For the first birthday party that we have gotten to throw for SS, it's nice to know that I won't have to worry myself with any of the details. I will sit at home with my feet up and relax as they try to figure out where to hold it and make all the necessary phone calls. I will let SS help BF figure out the budget for the party and gather all of the decorations himself. I will not suggest that they get invitations (little details can afford to be avoided in such an important event) and if they do remember to get them, I will not help hand them out to the kids that SS knows here in our county which he would like to invite. It's good to know that I won't have to worry about helping prepare the food or chaperoning the event either. I'm sure that BF can handle 30 excited 10 year old kids on sugar rushes all by himself. Thank you for saving me from this responsibility.
Your grateful worshipper, who will never live up to you as a mother or a woman,
Nymh
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Comments
Amen!
That was hilarious! It is so true too. These BM's try to live in a world where their precious children are without female input and caring while they are away from her. No one complains that their children are returned clean, healthy, and fed. We are just supposed to do those things and then fade into the shadows...
I agree that most men are perfectly capable of taking care of their children on their own...but there are certain things that women pay attention too - cleanliness, matching clothes, noticing it is time for new shoes, reminding to brush teeth, remembering medicine time, packing, etc etc etc. You would think that would be appreciated!
"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."
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Stupid cow.
I recently read on a Biomom site a thread where all the biomoms were freaking out about use of the word "we." And yes, they all basically said that the stepmom had absolutely no place in anyone's lives. Unreal. Another thread from the same week also had a list of all the things that stepmoms should never do, and included things like bathing, helping with homework, comforting them, putting them to bed, making cupcakes for school, attending events, reading to them, washing their clothes, etc. Honestly, washing their clothes! The biomom who said that said, "Don't bother to wash MY child's clothes, I will just rewash them again when he gets home, so you will be wasting your time." Basically the consensus was that all a stepmom should ever do is that it's okay if she makes the kid food if she happens to also be making her own children food.
Control issues much?
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Word for word
BM has said that about SS's clothes, word for word. She usually also throws in that she is "perfectly capable of taking care of HER son without MY help".
BM doesn't even want me making food for SS. She encourages him to not eat food that I've paid for, either. He has a hard time eating when he's with us because I am the one who cooks 95% of the time, and she tells him not to eat my food.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Yeah, I get that, too from BM
She is perfectly able to take care of HER child. Until of course, she needs someone to take her to an appointment and she has to work. Then, of course, I'm good enough to be a chauffeur. Makes me want to drive my car tires over her head.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Oh that's not my BM
SS's BM will take off of work with no notice to take HER son to the doctor. Nevermind that BF owns his own business and can leave whenever he wants. She hasn't "allowed" BF to take SS to the doctor his entire life. SHE has to take him. That's part of why she got fired.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
My SDs BM is the same way.
My SDs BM is the same way. She will do EVERYTHING will not ask for anything from my H, then SD says to us "My mom says my dad never helps her"
I say "if she needs help besides the money we give her each month to care for you then she needs to pick up the phone and ask." But BM would never ask, she doesn't want me to do anything with SD (I don't want to though) or my H to get the feeling that he is the childs father.
BM has her H, SDs SF take off work when SD is sick, and take her to apts, Halloween etc----never calls the childs father.
Yep
That's pretty much the list our BM gave us too - including the clothes. She sends back my SD's clothes dirty in a plastic bag a week later...and says we should do the same since everything that comes from our house reeks of smoke (my DH quit smoking 2 years ago and NEVER did it in the house!!)
So this past week, my SD peed in her pants. I gladly obliged BM by wrapping them in a plastic grocery bag and returning them to her 5 days later.
What I wouldn't give to have been a fly on the wall when she opened that bag.
Awesome!!!!
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
At least the clothes are
At least the clothes are returned within a week, we wait 2 months on average.
What is this Bio mom site? I
What is this Bio mom site? I must check it out...
And I am a bio-mom, too. BUT I tell my kids each weekend to respect their step mom and that she IS the mom of her home and they better mind, be kind to and treat her like they would me.
Having my kids love their father's wife wouldn't make them love me any less. It doesn't mean that I'm not their mom. I'm secure enough to let someone else love my babies. Why can't more mothers grow up and stop being so selfish?
The last thing I'd want to do is to piss off the woman watching my children!! Selfishness or jealousy could hurt those kids!
Here's the site
Here's the site. You might find it useful as a biomom, but I have to say it really depressed me as a stepmom.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-prbiomoms
The thread I was talking about regarding the "We" thing is this one:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-prbiomoms&m...
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
petitesphinx
I want you to be our biomom! Seriously, you are a role model and your children will respect you so much more for being strong and secure. Good for you!
BF should just tell BM that
BF should just tell BM that "'We' dont care who she thinks 'we' should be. Go climb a tree you ugle chimpanzee"
Hilarious
This MUST be a general BM thing - ours does the same thing. Nothing pisses her off more than the mere mention of my name as part of a decision. And yet now that she is engaged, she has no problem emailing my DH saying "New Fiance and I have discussed this and..."
Just hilarious.
How pathetic!
I dont like my exH at all. I think he is worthless. However, he lived with a very nice lady for a year or so. She was SO good to my kids. I loved knowing that they were fed well, clean, and their clothes fit and matched properly while they were at their other home. I even made sure to tell her how much I appreciated it. Heck, the woman washed their clothes and get this - returned them!
One time during drop-off, my BD (she was 3 or 4 at the time)fell asleep in their car on the way, she woke up groggy and "GF" carried her over to me from the car, it was winter, my baby was cold tired etc...anyways, she didnt want to let go of "GF" and come to me! It was a shock! But after I thought about it, it really showed me that "GF" was doing a great job at making our kids feel safe and loved. I really miss "GF"....she left my ex yrs ago...and with her went his visitation...ahhh those were the days...LOL!!!
"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."
Don't wash my kids cloths, Don't feed my kid,
Don't console my kid when he's crying, c'mon!
These are things that any human would do!! Not to mention, do you want your kid to wear dirty cloths, not eat, and cry his eyes out without someone hugging him? A stranger on the street would feed your kid, and hug him if crying!
Why would anyone want thier kids to be treated like crap in thier fathers house? Because that is what the BM is asking SM's to do with this list!
Sorry lady, but no kid is going hungry in my house. And if we got a cryer I'm doing some hugging!
And PS....I wash the cloths because I don't want to smell the nasty odor!!
This thread is too funny...
And yes, I sense the evil vibe with the use of "we" but my DH doesn't care, he says it during discussing almost every topic to her. She won't call the house phone in case I answer, either. Just his cell. He is so good about us being a unit. I think I'm more sensitive to possible reactions. His response to her crap: "She divorced ME" Dumb a88.
Re: those other biomoms, what is up their butts? My ex had a GF that treated my daughter so well. She gave a room in her house and she even sewed clothes for her. One cute outfit was a pair of pants with stars for July 4th. Years later I ran into her and told her how much I appreciated what she did for BD. She was very surprised---for a while, she had believed the things my abusive EX said about me, but she learned the truth soon enough.
Oh gosh, don't get me started
It's nice that you recognize that she gave your daughter a room in her house. SS has had his own dedicated room in MY houses for 3 years (since he started visitation) and BM has never once voiced appreciation. In fact, when I was 7 months pregnant with my first child I bought a BIGGER house (went from a 2 bedroom to a 3 bedroom) so that SS could continue to have his own room. He only stays in it 4 days a month, but it's still HIS room. BM couldn't care less.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Isn't that just horrible and
Isn't that just horrible and rude? We were taught as children to play nice, share, not to be selfish. And what happened to people as adults??
We have SEVEN kids here and my step kids only come their 4 days a month, too, yet my 4 kids living here full time are expected to share their rooms, take up space with 2 extra beds where a doll house could go for my stepkids' 4 days a month. And their bio mom STILL refuses to acknowledge I AM their step mom, I am married to their dad, I AM the one cooking, cleaning, buy for HER kids! And no appreciation of the fact that my children are nice enough to share their full time lives with her kids.
I am a bio mom, too and I'd never treat my ex and his wife the way my hubby and I are treated by his ex.
Yeah, SD's BM so hates hearing "we"
That DH uses it even when he doesn't need to, and SD NEVER does. Meaning if I did something for her, she will say her dad did.
I used to think that was to save her grief from BM, and maybe it is. But it's also SD's way of convincing herself that all good things come from DH, and all evil things come from me.
I think you should ignore her comment, and write back with another "WE" note asap. THAT would be hysterical!
"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert
My SD does the same thing.
My SD does the same thing. Anything my H says that is hurtful or just plain nasty (he has been a lot lately) she tells BM I said or did. Anything I did nice for her she tells BM H did. My H is a jerk and does not bother to correct BM or SD.
Hahahaha! Ok, seriously. No
Hahahaha!
Ok, seriously. No one else should be involved with your stepson's birthday party?? Who the (#$*(# does she think SHE is? Queen of your life? Ha!
Someone needs to put her in her place. As far as I am concerned, the boy can have 2 parties (as my children do) one with crazy Bio mom and one with you all. Having just one sounds fun and all but let's be realistic-that's asking for a war.
You and hubby will and should be the ones doing this shin-dig. YOU are the wife and love of the birthday boy's dad's life. You're the wife so that means it's YOUR money going to pay for it, too.
What a piece of work. Agggrhh...I wish that after divorce, the exes would automatically move to another country and we split the children 6 months here/6 months there and NO child (I mean wife)support is exchanged! Ahhhh...........it's nice to have a dream..hahaha We could all pretend the horrible mistakes never happened and enjoy our kids and time with our families in peace!
We have always had our own
We have always had our own parties, I would NEVER consider having them together.
No it is not
just your BM. It is ours too. In fact, our BM has taken issue with not just "we" or "me" she is so inclined to throw BD into the mix. She thinks the little change that we get for the kids as minor dependents from her SS disability is making a major difference in our world. Puhleeze. She called because DH would not rush out and but the latest $100 sneakers to complain that the money is NOT to be spent on BDs car or school. Hmmmm. Let's see we were paying for BDs car for 6+ months BEFORE we ever received a dime from her. BD is on a FULL scholarship so WE don't pay tuition PERIOD. We give her a little spending money, but that is OUR business. She makes a point to make issue with anything that BD has as if she has anything to do with it or if it is costing her a dime. PUHLEEZE!!! My 21 year old has more sense and responsibility and is socially more mature than she is at 40+. Grow the Eff up.
Stupid BMs drive me Nucking Futs!!! Sorry for the rage.
Anyone can take the easy way out and blame others. BUT it takes a a person of character to take a look at one's self and actions and own responsibility for their part. ~ ME ~ }:-P
The dreaded "we"
Oh yeah I can relate. The first time my FH told her WE she had a flippin cow. She said so YOU are saying and he said no WE are saying this is the way it is going to be. She then proceeded to send my FH a text message that they were co-parenting "their" daughter and that was between them and I have no say. REALLY? Well when she comes to visit, it's my house, my bed that I paid for that she sleeps on, my pool that she swims in and my car that we let her drive in. SD is 16 not 6 - it's like get over it bitch. We just ignore her and she is not even allowed to call anymore. GET A LIFE!
That's too funny
When I address dumb-dumb (we so politely refer to her as that sometimes)in an e-mail or text, most times I say I. I am the one that does the planning, takes care of the kids and their appts., etc. She knows this-she hates it, but whatever-she doesn't do it. Once in a while, if I know it will really piss her off to see what I have to say, I will either say "we" or send it from DH's e-mail. Then she thinks it's from him, or both of us. Realistically though, she knows when I say I, me, we or us, it is always me. I do all the communicating and I prefer it that way. She can't say crap about their dad to them,only about me, and the kids already know I am not an ass like their mom. I take care of ALL of their needs, and they know it. It's a win-win for all of us.
"A parents job is to eat as much sh*t as we have to so that the children do not."