"Is there an emoticon for slamming your head against the wall?"...yes, it looks like a wedding band.

Sometimes its 2 steps forward, 1 step back, sometimes its 1 step forward, 2 steps back. She may chose to make SD happy over you because its easier. She doesn't want to fight with a teenager? She is obviously good at pointing the finger. Any good counselor would make each partner of the marriage fess up to THEIR role in the marital problems, not just point fingers. Afterall, the only person you can control is yourself. Has this counselor asked both of you what you think you should each be doing to help the situation? Have you considered changing counselors to get a new perspective on things?

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

I'm sorry you're going through this. I will just give you the view from one woman... while my situation is much much much different I can at least relate to some of the things you've said. I know that i don't say anything when my BF does something that makes me angry, and so i just let it stew and stew and i grow angrier and resent him and he never has any idea that he did anything wrong, or even that i was ever angry... until 6 months later i blow and EVERYTHING comes out. I know this is unhealthy to keep it inside, and it sounds like your wife is maybe growing resentful that you don't understand what is wrong. I also know that following this path for so long now, i am not even happy in my relationship anymore. I love him still but don't even want to be with him anymore, and i feel bad because he doesn't even know i feel this way. I think unfortunately sometimes alot of women tend to be incapable of logically sorting out their thoughts and accepting their faults. We also have a bad habit of taking things the wrong way and feeling bad about things that shouldn't be a problem. I remember coming across my boyfriends porn folder on the computer, and i felt this overwhelming feeling of betrayal and just plain hurt. I have never been cheated on, so i don't have those issues that your wife does. It's just unexplainable. When i talked to him about it he simply explained that it's a natural instinct for guys to hide their porn he wasn't trying to keep anything from me. Somehow it makes me feel better now that it's on his desktop. Really men will never understand women, and i have to say, i really think your wife should see a counselor of her own, outside of your counselor together. Obviously you don't want to suggest this, but maybe if you can think of someone that could without it causing problems and/or tracing back to you. Maybe even if you talk to the counselor outside of your group meeting and tell her that you think it's holding her back talking in front of you, maybe she should deal with her issues before you can deal with yours together. Best wishes!

"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege"

I went to a therapist and he wanted to meet with my then husband, husband went to ONE session and refused to work on HIS issues. so I continued going then when I decided to file for divorce he wanted to work on us, so i went to HIS conselour- guy looked at me and said you are done arent you and I said yes.
end of session. when my son was having issues and we went to a therapist for him the lady asked me ex if he thought he should work on his anger issues and ex what anger issues?? I can handle my anger..(yah that is why are son was cutting himself and didnt want anything to do with you??)
so you can go to these but unless she truly wants it to work she has to realize her part in it.
good luck MS86- hang in there!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

learning to undo behavior that has been a part of your life for so long is HARD!
you have to unlearn so much.

i hope she does want to put the work into helping her and the marriage. I really hated doing some of the "homework" thought it was silly but I did it anyway and learned so much about myself -
women are hard on ourselves it is even harder for us to move away from stuff that comforts us even if it is unhealthy.
it is a positive that she is seeing a therapist on her own!

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

can feel like FOREVER, can't it?
I remeber when DH and I were with our FIRST therapist (I didn't like her approach AT ALL). We were with her for about four months and I could vividly remember walking out of each therapy session thinking like I had just been through the ringer, all the time asking myself, "Is this really helping?"

Four months of that! So I can appreciate how you must feel, one year in, and feeling like you are getting no where.

I know you said you like her, but after an entire year, don't you think you should be at least getting somewhere together as a couple??? I tend to agree with the other posters who suggested a fresh approach might be in order other than feeling like you are just spinning your wheels...

Maybe it's time to ask your individual therapist his/her thoughts on the subject.

I have heard from some therapists that after a while, even THEY get tired of dealing with some patients, but just don't know how to move on...

"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"

Reading your post has taken me back to the time right before my first marriage ended. My God, how I know what it's like to feel as though you are dying inside...you just know that if you don't do something, if nothing changes you will die. Literally.

I'm glad that you're both continuing to seek counseling, although it seems to me that perhaps your wife just doesn't have her heart in it. I think I told you this once before, but my gut instinct is telling me that your wife wants or needs to say something to you but just doesn't know how, or is afraid that she will hurt your feelings.

I also think she is blaming you for her insecurities. I'm sorry, but continuing to doubt everything you say to her, how you feel about her, and not believing you because of HER issues with trust...she's not being honest with herself or owning her part. The trust thing is her thing, not yours. Why she continues to make it your issue just totally escapes me. Personally I think she's using that as an excuse, but for what purpose I do not know.

I think what you need to ask yourself is just how long are you willing to work on this relationship when you don't have the slightest clue after one year of counseling what the resolution will be? Is it going forward, backward, or is it completely stalled? I bet you're having anxiety and / or panic attacks too? I'm guessing that when you feel as helpless and hopeless as I did, you will know that it's time to make a decision, one way or another.

I really feel for ya, Sloan. Been there, done that, soaked the Kleenex box with rivers of tears.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

I'm sorry things aren't changing too much for you. The last post I saw from you, you were seemed encouraged, and said even intimacy was getting better between you. I can relate to your wife, I have a hard time expressing myself to my BF sometimes. I find it easier to open up some discussion via e-mails, and then we discuss later. I am usually the one that give in or finds a compromise, he not so much. He is still getting over a very controlling ex, even though it's been 5 years. It is especially hard for you because of BD, who is only 2. But sometimes separation, and ultimately divorce is the only recourse. I know it would break your heart not being with her daily, and that is why you are trying so hard. It does not sound to me that your DW is trying as hard, possibly because she doesn't have as much to lose as you.

Good luck, and please don't stop writing, of course, we read everything!

I too am feeling a LOT of what you are. My therapist recommended a book to me that is totally opening my eyes to the dynamics of relationships. It is called "How to Get the Love you Want by Harville Hendrix". Get it, read it. It will help you understand things tremendously!
I know the back and forth feeling. Some days are great and I'm like "what am I so upset over?" then the next day it blows up and I too am beating my head against a wall....