Trashy Step Snot.
So check this out..
Step Snot still has one F and two D's in her classes so she is supposed to be "Grounded" until those grades come up to at least C's. Grounded means no electronics and no social life or spending time with friends after school or on weekends.Yeah, she hasn't hung out with her friends since November because she won't pick up those grades...
Well yesterday our neighborhood had a "culdesac" BBQ. And, of course, neighbors invite their friends so it turns into a pretty good size event. DH comes to me and says that he was thinking about letting Step Snot come outside for an hour to eat dinner and visit with her friends and then right back to her bedroom. Personally, I think a plate should have been made for her and presented to her in her bedroom...But I just told him "yeah whatever"..I just wanted to enjoy a bit of time with my friends and relax so I wasn't about to have that time stolen from me and having it be made all about Step Snot.
So we go about our BBQ and Step Snot is outside just as it has begun..Dinner isn't even being "grilled" yet but there she is. Dinner comes and goes and Step Snot is out running amok with her friends. I notice it but say nothing just to see if DH is going to say anything to her about it. Nope..he doesn't so there she is hanging out with her friends hours into the evening.
And she is acting absolutely and embarrassingly STUPID. In fact, I can honestly say (and I never thought I would say it but) her behavior was by far the most idiotic, annoying, and stupid as I have ever seen her act!! She is trying to "show off" and "look cool" in front of her friend. In doing so she is behaving like a complete and utter jack ass who as raised in a cave by Neanderthals.
I am so annoyed and embarrassed by her beyond out of control, stupid, annoying, and embarrassing behavior that I just had to get away from her. A neighbor and I go over to her house for a glass of wine and a bit of girl chit chat.
We get back about 45 minutes later and another friend of mine pulls me off to the said and tells me that she is shocked and speechless by Step Snots behavior. She informs me that twice since I was gone Step Snot had followed DH pointing her finger at him and yelling "condoms" over and over again..Both times DH told her to "knock it off" but didn't do anything to correct her behavior!!
Then right before I got back her and her friend were in the grill area with all the adult male soldiers, openly trying to flirt with them and get their attention. I am told that Step Snot is loudly talking about "dildos" in front of these men and all manner of other beyond inappropriate topics for a 12 year old to be discussing, especially in mixed company of adult men, women, and children of various ages!!!
I was horrified and called her off to the side and told her point blank that is not a topic that I ever want to hear came out of her mouth again!! That she wasn't raised to act like that and that I am raising young ladies in my house not "nasty trash"!!! I go to DH and tell him what took place and he looks horrified and embarrassed. However, he is also totally smashed by then..He lectures her about her conduct but still doesn't correct her!! Ummmm...send her home where she should have been hours ago??? Nope!!!
I go on home because i am beyond disgusted, horrified, and embarrassed by her behavior and I want no part of it or to be seen any where around her!! She comes rolling in two hours later to inform me that she is grabbing her pillow and blanket because Dad said that she could stay the night at her friends house where a majority of the adults and bbq attenders are hanging out!!! Ummmmm..okay...
DH comes home about 3 am totally shit faced and passes out...He wakes up this morning and notices that Step Snot isn't in her bed and asks where she is..I told him that he told her she could stay the night. I also proceed to tell him about the out of control and off the hook stupid and slutty behavior by Step Snot..
He is really upset and embarrassed. He says he recalls her doing the "condom" thing at him once and telling her to "knock it off". (Why didn't you send her home then where she was supposed to be in the first place???) But that he doesn't recall her doing it a second time or that I told him about her "dildo" conversation in front of adult men, women, and children at the party or telling her that she could stay the night at her friends house!!
He says he is "goint to deal with her" when she gets home from her friends house at noon. Nope, he doesn't go over and get her immediately upon finding out about her behavior when I told him this morning...Okay??? It's going to be real interesting to see how he handles her when she gets home.
Step snot is responsible for her own behavior but I have been telling him for months that this "friend" who she stayed the night with last night is very sexually expressive for a 13 year old. She dresses like a little hooker, she is always talking about things of a sexual nature that are totally inappropriate for a girl her age. And that I don't like the way step snot changes her entire personality and acts to try to "be cool" or "show off" to and in front of this girl.It remains to be seen if he is going to do anything about her behavior last night or anything about her friendship with this other girl...
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Girl you should have put your foot down and sent
her little trashy behind right back in the house. I wouldn't have even given DH the chance to be honest, she would have been returned to her dungeon of bad grades!
I don't know how you do it......
I see your point...However,
Why would I want to step in and correct her or send her home?? I would have only been protecting him from suffering the embarrassment of his own daughters behavior and the consequences of his choice to not follow through or enforce the punishments he laid down for her. He doesn't enforce the punishments or directions I give her so I stopped enforcing his.
It took every fiber of my being to NOT put my foot down and drag her nasty little butt into the house, wash her nasty mouth out with soap, and take a switch to her behind!! I have never, ever, in my almost 25 years as a mother wanted to blister a kid so badly in my life or been more disgusted by a child's behavior!!!
I made the decision to "detach" when it comes to parenting, raising, or correcting her. My "stepping in" over the past 10 years has only protected him from having to take off his rose colored glasses, step up to the plate, be a parent and see is little "angel" for the "devil" that she really is.
The grounding punishment was HIS.He is the one that was over whelmed with sympathy for Step Snot and decided to let her out for "an hour" which turned into the rest of the evening and then a "sleep over". The consequences of his coddling, babying, and not following through with his punishments is that she behaved like a complete idiot and common street trash in front of his neighbors, friends, and the soldiers under his command.
Guilt parenting and inappropriate, misplaced, and undeserved "sympathy" for his kid has consequences. And I would rather kiss his hag of a mother on the cheek (shudder, cringe, and recoil with disgust) then step in and clean up his parental messes for him and protect him from the consequences of his guilt parenting.
I could not stand her behavior and I wanted no one to be able to say that I allowed her to behave like that so I removed myself from the situation. Best of all, in removing myself from the situation, neither of them could project anything off onto me because I wasn't even there!!
This morning neither of them had any ammunition to use against me to set me up as the "scapegoat". Having nothing to blame on me means that the only people to hold responsible are himself and his daughter for the occurrences of the evening.
"Stupid People Shouldn't Breed!"
That is not good
I am reminded of that movie "Thirteen", which was based on a true story and written by a 12 year old, about the actual capers they were into. Peer pressure is huge at that age as we know, and I think she should not be allowed around this other girl if that is how she is going to act. Rent the movie on netflix and you will be horrified!
I remember growing up I was forbidden to see a girl down the street, but that was because her mom allowed her to smoke cigarettes - which seems innocent compared to this! Tell DH, he may think he cannot declare any 'friend's off limits, but he really can!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Thirteen
I haven't seen the movie and I don't think they have it here to Rent but as soon as we get moved back to the states and settled in our new home I will make it a point to rent that movie!
Peer pressure is a big issue for kids Step Snots age. Unfortunately, Step Snot isn't known to be the "brightest crayon in the box" which makes her a "follower", not a "leader". Every time she is around this other girl or her friends she totally exchanges her personality for theirs. The "cooler" she tries to be the more annoying and stupid she acts..
I discussed with DH how trashy Step Snot acts around this racey girl and he did admit that he witnessed Step Snot acting like an idiot last night and doesn't like the way she acts around this girl either. He says we are moving in two months and she will be grounded until then..(we will see..)
I never had a problem regulating my two daughters friends. If they were hanging out with peers that I didn't care for or thought were negative influences they were not allowed to hang out with them. Period. Personally, there is no way on God's green earth that my under age girls would ever be allowed to hang around girls that acted like little sluts..
DH is going to have to learn that the problem isn't going to be resolved by geography. Where ever Step Snot moves to she takes herself with her. She will just befriend more girls like this when we get back to the states. But, like everything else regarding his "lil dumpling" he is going to have to learn that the hard way too..
Her husband IS THE PROBLEM!
HE was DRUNK at the BBQ while his darling little "angel" was acting wildly inappropriate. In fact, he was SO DRUNK, he didn't even remember that he allowed her to go off and sleep over at that other girl's house (OH YEAH- GREAT "PUNISHMENT," DAD!)
I feel so badly for you, Disgusted, on so many levels. One, your DH has his head so far up his ass that he's truly going to be "shocked" when his precious "angel" ends up pregnant by the time she's 14...and then somehow blame you!
I also feel badly for you because you are so far away- totally in another country, for goodness sake. Away from your family and friends. Do you have any support (other than ST) that you can rely on that is close by? Someone to talk to and confide in on a regular basis? This situation is clearly escalating to a whole new level with BOTH DH and SD and you sound so helpless at this point.
I would LOVE to throttle BOTH of them for you! This entire situation (him drunk while she's totally out-of-control and running wild and running your house) is beyond f'd up.
I just don't know HOW you put up with it. I really don't. If you weren't in another country, I'd just say, "Leave them both- they DESERVE each other!" but I somehow don't think it's all that easy in your situation.
I am so sorry you are in this situation
"Of course things worked out nicely for Carol Brady...she had a live-in maid and Mike's first wife was DEAD!"
Thanks 5 teens, I have my
Thanks 5 teens,
I have my friends and fellow army wives here to talk to and they are a great bunch of laides. However, none of them are Step mom's so they can't really relate to my situation..ST is my step parent haven!!
The good news is that we are being moved back to the states in two short months!!! I can not wait!! My oldest and my grand babies will only live about 30 miles from us and my parents only 11 hours away.
I told DH that if he refuses to pull his nose out of Step Snot's butt and get control of her..Myself, my other daughter, our son, and out dog would not be moving in with him and step snot when we get back to the states. I don't even want to be around to deal with what she is going to be like at 15 years old with as off the hook as she is at 12.
My parents
were VERY strict about the people I hung out with around that age. They wanted to know what the parents did for a living... what kinds of grades they were making... if they did any sports... did they get into any trouble? It was so embarassing, especially at that age. And there was this one girl who was one of the "popular" ones... and she wanted to hang out with me. At that time it was a pretty big deal, but my parents knew that she had parents who did not care about her behavior... and they made sure I did not hang out with her. I was very upset with them at that time... but a few years later she got pregnant. She dropped out of school and now works as stripper. I am so glad my parents did what they did because had they not I would probably have stooped down to her level just so I could be accepted by the wrong crowd.
Your blog reminded me of this because even though Step Snot is responsible for her own actions, it all falls onto the shoulders of the parents. Granted... my parents were a bit extreme, but your DH needs to make sure Step Snot doesn't fall into the wrong crowd of people because teenagers are so easily influenced. Most importantly, DH needs to DISCIPLINE.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that.
*hugs* Your DH is an idiot.
My response would have been "IDK"
If he was irresponsible enough to get shitfaced in front of his troops and give his daughter permission to go off to her friends house and not even remember it, who are you to remind him? I would have told him you don't know where she was. "What, she's gone??!!" As far as you knew, she was in her room the whole night, since that was her punishment, right? Who are YOU to keep track of where HIS daughter is? That's his job, not yours. Did he even give her permission to go? Or did she just figure that daddy was so drunk that she'd just tell you whatever, and daddy wouldn't be able to remember saying yes or no? He can either be angry for himself for getting so drunk that he was a neglectful parent, or get upset with SD for taking off when she knew she was grounded. He can spend the morning calling her friends, trying to track her down. That will reinforce in his mind how much of a slacker parent he is, and might compound the embarassment with SD's behavior last night. Then maybe he'll learn his lesson.