Stuck
...not sure how to even begin this one. I am so torn up inside. I have been nauseous for days, can't eat, can't sleep, cry daily...
It has finally occurred to me that I am unhappy. I love my husband, but I loathe my skids so much that I don't know if it is worth it. I am thinking about leaving.
For any of you that have read The Notebook, I have met my "noah" but for a while I thought it was too late for me to have that kind of happiness, love, and joy in my life, due to being married to someone else. I have known this "noah" for almost three years now and we are good friends who share our dreams and hopes together. I will NOT cheat on my husband with him, despite how much I may feel the desire to.
I am the type of person who would rather live in pain than to ever cause pain to another, especially someone I love. But I wonder if it is time to put myself first for once to have the life I have always dreamed of, but given up hope for.
I feel dead inside when the skids are home, which is half of my life. I feel invisible, unimportant, and like the third wheel that never belongs and is always in everyones way. The thought of not having this be my reality anymore is like being able to breath again. My husband is still trying to win the competition with his ex wife. Still trying to prove he is the better person and the better parent. He hung our wedding picture deliberately in the foyer so if she ever came to the door, she would see it and he could "win" that round. He dotes on the children and ignores me when they are around, or at least it feels that way to me. They are miserable little shits... ungrateful, mean, selfish. Yet he gives all of his love and attention to them. I get to have him when they are not around. I would never ask to be loved more than them, I mean they are his children, but it would be nice to be on the same plane at least. But I love him and care for him and would rather cut my own foot off than to cause him pain.... but yet I am just so unhappy and my ticket out is sitting on the counter waiting for me. All I have to do is take it. When I read The Notebook I was so rooting for Ali to leave her fiance and be with Noah... when I read The Bridges of Madison County, I just wished so much that the woman would leave her husband and be with the man that gave her life inside again.
So why being in it can I not face the fact that that is what I want for myself too.
I am so torn.
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Life is too short
to be unhappy. I was in a miserable marriage for 16 years, trying, trying, trying to make it work. Wish I would have left earlier.
Have you tried everything with your H to make it work? Talked to him? Counseling? I couldn't leave until I knew there was no hope.
Do not sacrifice your own happiness for others. Sooner or later the stress of doing that will come back to bite you -- in the form of resentment and anger directed toward your family or illness for yourself.
seconding Passion
I left after 3 yrs of trying, and being the only one doing so. life is too short to waste it being unhappy. No one else is going to put you first, you have to do it yourself, but I agree, you will only be able to live with it long term if you know you've tried everything and there is no hope.
I know how hard this is, I'm sorry you're going through it!
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
somewhere...
I heard or read that "unfulfilled love is the most romantic love"... I think that we all have thoughts of what may have been, what would have happenned or what could happen.
and, I used to feel very "second" class to SS, until I talked to DH and asked him to stop ignoring me when SS was around.
As far as your DH always "wanting to win" the rounds with his X, it seems like he still has unresolved feelings.
Does he know how much he is pushing you away by acting in this manner?
SInce we've started counseling I have been more vocal about my feelings. Before I would try to be extremely polite to DH for fear of unsettling the balance and because I did not want to hurt his feelings. I have come to realize that my feelings matter too. Certainly not above his feelings, but they have to be on an equal ground. My DH is selfish and would play the victim card a lot. Now when he plays it, I state my feelings and remind him that I am a person with my own thoughts, opinions and feelings and he needs to respect that, just like I respect his.
This is not easy, but it sure beats yelling and screaming at each other.
As far as your "crush" goes, sometimes it is easier to have an emotional relationship with someone whom you don't share the day to day with. But remember, once you start living with them, they are sure to have their quirks.
Best of luck
One can only hope!
Oh, Sweetie.
I am on the same page as you. I love my DH so much, but the thought of hurting him by leaving crushes me. I'm still trying to figure out what can be done before I have the courage to take the step out of this marriage.
I don't get it, SW19
So you're saying you want to leave DH, that things are bad enough that you want to leave, but you're worried about hurting him? I don't get it because obviously DH is hurting you somehow, or you wouldn't want to leave, right? But you're worried about hurting him? What the hell? Is he worried about how hurt you are? Guess not.
It's difficult...
I love DH a lot that I wouldn't want to hurt him in any way. Even if I want to leave, I still worry about him. I don't know... it's hard to explain.
I understand
I really do get it because I worried about 1st H for 16 years... what would he do without me? You see, he was and still is a real loser, couldn't hold a job, totally irresponsible in every way. But when I realized I was KILLING myself I divorced him. I was suffering from major depression during those years. Why couldn't this man be a good husband to me? My self-esteem was in the toilet. Worried about him? He survived without me, and I have a 1000 lb weight off my shoulders.
I left my first marriage
When I developed feelings for a friend. We never even ended up dating. But I knew it wouldn't matter if we did or not. My feelings told me I wasn't in the right place.
I would never recommend someone leave "for someone else." The only person worth leaving for, is YOURSELF.
This quote helped me a lot when I was searching for my answer-
Leap and the net will find you
I did and was alone for over 5 years. But I was insanely happy and fulfilled most of them.
Goodluck.
"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert
Noah
If you had not met your Noah how would you handle this? Would you stay and try harder or would you walk away? If you decide to leave do it for yourself and not for someone else because they may just be someone passing through not someone that you would have a life with.
I will give you the same sermon on the mount that I give my skds. Regardless of what you are involved in: relationship, work or whatever always make sure that you do your best. Make sure that you go the extra mile and never, ever put yourself in the position that you will look back and say what if. If you can look back on an event and know that you did your best and it does not work out then you can walk away without any regrets and never feel guilty.
The relationship that a birth parent has with their kds is a very unique relationship. It appears that the younger the step mother is the harder time she has coping with BF giving so much time to his kds 4 days a month.
I agree with sparky. Have
I agree with sparky. Have you done everything you can to try and fix the problems? Have you tried counseling, marriage workshops, talking to him about it until you're blue in the face? Don't leave your marriage because of someone else, that may not work out either and you doing that will create so many high expectations for that relationship that may not even work out. Do everything you can think of for as long as you can. Yes, life is short. But love is hard to find, and you've taken the plunge and married this person. Try your hardest, do all that you can do, learn all you can...and if you're still miserable and he's not trying, then consider leaving.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
depression
All of those symptoms point to depression which can easily be fixed with anti depressants if you want to try it.
I agree that if you are
I agree that if you are going to leave a marriage, the only person you should do it for is yourself..
I too thought I found my Noah during my difficult time in my marriage, althought we were just friends. After the divorce I realized that I did get the divorce for myself, I never got together with him, I think it was just a crush to lessen the heartache I was feeling. I could focus on someone else.
Do you think you would stay with DH if he didnt have kids?
When the kids are not around is it the relationship you want?
You really need to talk to DH, maybe get away for a weekend, and really tell him what your thinking, prepare him by letting him know how unhappy you are.
I told my ex several times "Im not happy". during the marriage. He knew that divorce was coming if their were not major changes, the changes never came obviously.
Marriage is work..it really is...if you guys dont want to work at it and he does not want to face what your are going thru, then I suggest you proceed, but give him a good dose of reality first.
Me too
"I told my ex several times "Im not happy". during the marriage. He knew that divorce was coming if their were not major changes, the changes never came obviously."
We went to couples therapy (which he only did after I told him I was going on my own if he didn't join me and I think he was afraid the counselor would tell me to leave without him being able to tell "his side" of the story. My exH would change to try and appease me. It would last a few months, then weeks then toward the end we couldn't even sustain a day. I finally realized I was the one who had changed, who had outgrown him, who needed more in life than what our marriage could offer. And that it wasn't fair of me to expect him to change to suit me.
He tried everything to sway me, from wooing all the way to belittling me. This is why you have to do this for yourself and yourself alone. You have to know in your heart that should the Noah thing not happen that you would rather be ALONE than with your H. Also, even if "Noah" is ready to step in, I don't believe it's good to jump there anyway- you will have a ton of peeling off to do before your core is strong enough to bond with someone else. Otherwise, you will end up just melting into him and losing yourself all over again, then find yourself still unhappy and not knowing why.
I remember during my separation hearing the most profound line on Ally McBeal of all places. If I remember correctly, she was dating a "perfect" guy, but the rest wasn't there. The extra, the passion. He made rational sense but she couldn't put her finger on why she felt wrong about it.
Then she said, "I realized that the the times in my life I have felt the most alone, I wasn't alone."
BINGO.
So if you are feeling that way with your H, then go to therapy to find out. I would cut off contact with the friend until you know that you are leaving, and even then I would keep it causal. If you don't, believe me from someone who loved a married man once upon a time...
You will not be able to stop the affair. It will happen. And you don't want to leave that way, do you? My ex accused me of cheating with my friend (mentioned earlier- never even dated him after just like Borbor.) I could honestly say NO. Whether or not HE believed me? Who cares. But I knew. You don't want to give your H a reason to behave like a jerk. He may anyway, but you will feel better knowing you don't deserve it. Please --at least see a counselor for yourself. They will help you tremendously.
"When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to ask permission of other people or society at large. When you ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life." ~Geoffrey F. Abert
thank you
this was very insightful. thank you!