Latest ramblings, and therapist gave DW both barrels today
Ive read many blogs with people with problems that seem so much worse then mine. There are frustrations with steps and husbands or wives, but many, not all, still are fighting through it because of the love they have for DH/DW? I keep wondering why my wife is staying. Maybe because she knows Im a good dad to BD? How happy can she be?
I want to address things with DW and feel we could do some good, but she cant admit that SD is doing anything wrong. She deflects all my attempts making excuses for her, or pointing out a flaw in me.
My wife took a beating in therapy today. The entire session was on how she wants to keep all autonomy regarding SD but she insists SD and I have a positive relationship.
We live in a house with no rules, only loose guidelines. Rules get ignored or over ridden regularly. SD treats her mother with complete disrespect, and she takes it. DW pushes me away more and more when I disagree with her course of action, which I am often not included on.
I left the session feeling really sick to my stomach. I don’t think DW gets it, I don’t know if she will. But therapy is focusing on the right areas, so maybe answers will start coming soon or things begin to collapse soon. As long as something happens soon. I want my marriage to work, but I cant live like this much longer.
So DW calls me at work, telling me that SD wants to stay at a friends tonight. (Feb vacation) DW has a hair appointment so she will be picked up. She called to check if this was ok with me. OK so she heard the therapist and is trying to include me. This likely lasts a week or 2 according to script. Its also usually petty things that I don’t care about, like her sleeping at a friends house, which requires nothing from me.
I was informed that DW signed her up for another indoor soccer team on Friday nights. That’s another $125 plus it means I will have to watch BD every Friday while DW takes her to these games. This is the kind of thing she has to stop. She knows I will debate these things and she doesn’t want to do anything but what she wants so I get informed.
As it is my SD resents me and feels I am irrelevant other than what she gets from me.
For me my BD is the only thing that keep me balanced. Until or I should say unless, my relationship with SD improves, I am BDs father, and nothing else in that house, I am certainly not a husband, because I have no wife.
One way or another things change this year. Ive started my exit plan. 7 months more of this and its done. Maybe it will be a different story, maybe something changes, maybe I am underestimating DW. We will see. But I will continue to try every day, for 7 more months. After that I will worry about BD and that’s it.
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Comments
Does your DW know how
Does your DW know how serious you are about an "exit plan". Maybe if she knew she would understand and make some serious long term changes. I feel for you and I know first hand how it feels to be irrelevant even though you give and give. Hang in there and do what you think is right.
nope
DW doesnt know about my 'exit plan'. There are a few reasons. Primarily, she will just take the fact that I have a contingency plan for getting out as meaning I want out anyway and wont try at all anymore.
I did let her know that I cant keep living like this. It was a somewhat emotional discussion on my part, but I said 2009 cannot continue where we went in 08, in fact it has to turn itself around substantially.
She may suspect things, but she is happy to pretend all is well rather than deal with the issues.
I agree with aka
Does your wife know about your exit plan, and if she does, does she know you're serious about it?
When things were very bad with DH and the SDs, I had an exit plan too. Even though I live in DH's house now, I kept my maiden name, my own, separate bank account, and my condo that I owned. I rent it out to people but kept (and still keep) it as a back-up just in case things got so bad I needed to move out.
I think you really need to address your exit plan with your wife in therapy during your next session. I know you're very worried about your BD, and maybe you could tell your wife that you will be taking her too if and when you leave, if she doesn't shape up and start parenting SD.
Maybe SD needs some counseling too. Is her father in the picture at all? Maybe she acts the way she does because she sees how loving you are with BD and is jealous because she doesn't have a father to treat her like that. I know that as a kid, I used to feel sad when I saw people with intact families, and people who had dads who came home to them every night.
Something else that might help you is printing out articles from the web about girls who have gotten arrested for various crimes, and showing them to your wife. It might help your wife to see what a dangerous path SD is going down and help your DW to get her parenting act together.
SD has had some counseling.
SD has had some counseling. Her BD isnt in the picture much, and sure, it might hurt to see me and my BD bond. Ive tried to be aware of it and include her in some of the things BD likes to do with me, plus she loves her sister and I alwasy encourage that.
As far as telling DW I would take BD with me, fat chance there. My wife loves and cares for her children to a fault, the fault being too lax, no rules, etc... Plus her cousin is a very successful family attorney. I cant fight a women with unlimited and free legal help. I will need to keep things civil to work out a joint custody agreement. My wife knows I adore BD and I think I am doing a very good job as a dad. I set boundries more firmly than DW and BD listens to me much better than her mom.
SD is an honor student in school. So because she does well in school DW figures there is no harm in letting her to abcd.... I agree that her good grades earn her some additional privileges and freedoms, but its her attitude, the disrespect, self entitlement and lack of personal responsibility for her mistakes that I wish my wife would react to in some way, even small.
Maybe this is what she needs
Maybe this is what she needs to hear time after time from the counselor. Maybe this is what will make the difference...not just hearing it from you...but from a stranger. I give her credit for continuing to go. My BF and I have both had this experience with outr exes. Once the counselor brought out any deficiencies on their part...the same thing happened...my ex said we don't need to go anymore...and his ex said the counselor doesn't understand her, let's see another one...same story with the second one. So if she continues going that an indication that she wants things to work. Good luck! Let us know how things are going. I find it easier somehow once you actually make yourself a plan, like you have, to then wait out the time and give it your all and see if it improves.
"Ive read many blogs with
"Ive read many blogs with people with problems that seem so much worse then mine. "
Thats just how I feel. Thats why I like coming to this site, actually. I get good advice and reading about other peoples issues not only helps me emotionally but also gives me some perspective on life. When things happen we all have the tendency to think that thinks are so bad, they couldn't get worse. Thats is not always the case and we need each other to help us see that.
I hope your DW starts to see light, so to speak. If she can't fix this will you she won't be able to fix this problem at all. I am glad she is sticking with the counseling, that shows she does want this to work.
Recording...
this may seem out there but have you ever thought about setting a recorder video or voice in your house to catch the disrespect that SD gives your wife and the way you are ran over in it all and then playing it back for them at a later date or taking it to counseling with you? Do you think that would help her or them to see? You stated your wife loves and cares for her children to a fault by be too lax and letting them get away with things. You, me and everyone on this site knows that yes the love is there but that the parents who do this are doing their child a grave diservice as life is not that way all about them. Do you think your SD has this attitude with others besides you and your wife?
I said in counseling the
I said in counseling the other day I wish I had the house wired with cameras so I could reply these things back for my wife.
SD is all peaches and cream with other family members. She is the oldest, 1st grandchild, and thus gets a bit too spoiled.
SD has the attitude with her mom more than anyone. When she pulls it on me, I react, and make it clear its not acceptable, so she more ignores my existance than give me crap.
Oh MS....
I hope if you feel you must go, that you do take BD 2 with you. She is far too young to be living with BM and SD without you there to add balance (and I fear some level of buffer, even protection if you will.) My SD loves my BD too, but there are some underlying jealousies that I see, and I think a great deal of my being knocked off my Supermom status I retained the first 2 years, was that I had a baby - especially a GIRL. I don't know that SD is that concerned over DH having another girl, but when I had a priority that had to supercede SD as my priority, SD's behavior escalated. It began when she wanted to have a sleepover b-day party, which I had done for her (sending DH and my sons out for the evening for a boy free zone) the year before. At the time I told her that level of party was not an every year event, but with SD, if you did it for her and she loved it you are required from then on to do it for her always.
Anyway, we married in March, then found out about my pregnancy in May. And in Aug (SD's b-day is 1/2) SD started in about her sleepover b-day party. I gently said, "SD, I am due any day around your b-day so I don't think we can do that kind of party." SD instantly got mad, demanding why, wanting to know if I already had the baby (we knew we would be doing a C/section) could we still have the party.
Ummm....I can't give birth, have surgery, nurse a newborn, and host a sleepover. Not to mention having 4 or 5 11 yo girls coughing and sneezing it up around both BD and myself. Well...SD went and told BM she wasn't getting a party (didn't say that actually) BECAUSE OF THE BABY. BM went off, promised she'd have it THERE, and told SD that "YOU are more important than THAT BABY and YOUR DAD better know that!!!!!"
Ugh. Btw, SD did not get a sleepover, or even a party at BM's, and we had my whole family over on New Years Day, the day after bringing BD home, to celebrate SD's B-day.
My point is though SD still shows love to BD, and stopped using her as a tool to get something from us or BM (as far as I know) SD still feels displaced. Not from her dad's love, but from mine. SD feels bio connection matters to me more (it does not, though I know it does for many people) so she decided long ago, I no longer need or love her now that I have BD.
DON'T LEAVE YOUR BD THERE.
If you leave (and I know that's still an IF) you must take her away. B/c if SD is out of control at 13, she's going to be a complete train wreck at 16 when your BD is only 4.
Go and rent "Rachel Getting Married" and you will know why I stress this. If (and I don't foresee this at all) I ever have to go b/c I can't take SD anymore, I will have FC of BD until SD is out of the house. Then I would readily give DH joint. I will not subject BD to an increasingly volatile older sibling without my presence. I would make sure DH agreed that BD would never be left in SD's care (we agree she can't be now so I believe he would honor that.)
But your DW is not tuned into SD's issues like my DH is to his daughter's. If you leave BD there, I guarantee your DW will rely on SD to babysit her. And whether SD loves BD or not is irrelevant. I will never forget SD's anger that I let my oldest son (14 and a half) watch BD but won't let her. She saw the privilege as an entitlement, and told me that she should get to watch her b/c, "It's not like I'd ever hurt her on purpose or anything." THAT was not reassuring enough for me.
Hang in there MS. I would bring SD into family counseling at the least. It's your only hope right now.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I agree with Sita
I have gone over this scenario in my mind (what would happen to BDs 5 and 2 if DH and I divorced). I already know that I would not accept overnight visits with DH when SD15 is in the house. He simply can't pay any attention to them when SD is there, and worse he thinks I'm overreacting when I refuse to let SD babysit. No way! I have seen SD watch while BDs were injured and have even seen her deliberately put them in situations where they would be (and have been) injured. As with all things related to SD, DH merely dismisses these actions, but I do not. Once SD is out of the house, or on weekend she is at BMs, I would be fine with BDs having overnight visitation with DH. But not until then.
You would be surprised how much dads get in court these days. More than 13 years ago, DH got equal (50/50) custody of SD. And he's always regretted not going for full custody, if only to give him more bargaining room and control.
I know men are getting more
I know men are getting more these days but it still varies from state to state, judge to judge. I live in MA, no idea what the odds are here but I dont know any men with full custody. Granted, many are happy to take less worries and work with visitation, but I do know some that wanted more and got much less.
I know women who got Full custody when they had all kinds of issues and the father was a well grounded person. If I try for Full Custody I am likely to cause significant negative feelings and encourage DW and family lawyer to put the screws to me and leave me with crumbs.
I also have mentioned she has a very successful family attorney in her family, who would make it impossible for me to keep up financially with court actions they could keep throwing at me.
Thanks for the
Thanks for the perspective.
If I thought I could take BD with me and have full custody, I would. I dont see any court granting a man full custody when his wife is a fully capable, loving mother. The best I could expect to do is 50% which will be a fight, but I will if it comes to it.
SD may come to counseling later, if DW and I can make some improvement on US as a couple and US as parents. Bringing her into our current mess wouldnt help. She was in counseling herself for awhile. She pretty much had the therapist convinced that she was a normal kid with no real issues. That lasted until SD was totally pissed at being forced into another session. She sat in the car and refused to go in. I had arrived to take care of BD as DW was attending this particular session. I had DW go in and let the counselor know she didnt want to come in but I was talking to her.
I then calmly told SD that she was going to go into the session or there would be consequences she really wouldnt like at all. For starters I would call Verizon right then and there and cancel her cell, it is in my name so I can do whatever I want with the account. Once I cancel it it wont be going back on. That was for starters.
So she was pissed but went into the session. She let down her guard and berated her mom in front of the counselor. That was what I thought was the beginning of improvements with my wife as finally a professional told her the same things I had been saying all along. SD is spoiled, with a huge sense of entitlement, and complete lack of personal responsibility for her actions.
It didnt last though. Thats where i need change from my wife, I need her to stick to her guns instead of always giving in.
I will look up that movie.
What about 50/50 legal, but you have more physical?
Legal custody and companionship are two different things altogether. The legal part can be 50/50 (in that you are both mutually financially and legally responsible, and both have to collaborate on decisions (like medical, school, religion, etc.) This is tough for a lot of parents as if most people could have collaborate like that well, they wouldn't be divorced. My ex and I are one of the few people I know of to successfully do this. And even as good as we have become at it, I still think we would have been better off with 50/50 legal, and 60/40 or 70/30 physical.
So maybe you can do what my DH did (because BM is Bpd- maybe bipolar as well and he knew she would fight for the sake of fighting.)
They did shared parenting, BUT BM only had SD M,W, Th, and DH had SD F, S, Sun, Tue.
It was too much transition though and causing some problems when I met them. So they agreed verbally to switch it to
BM- MTW, DH- TH,F,S,Sun
Either way, BM only had SD from after school til the next morning. Not all day on weekends with unstructured time (or time BM wanted to be out dating.)
Now I will say this SUCKED for me when we met, as DH and I had to have our dates only work nights meaning we were tired, we could never take off for a weekend etc. That's hard when you are building a new relationship. BUT it was safer for SD all around so we did it.
That might work for you, and since BM has her hands full of SD, the court may think that's a fair proposal.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra