New here... Desperate situation
Not sure how to start... I'm new to this site, and new to the idea of "a blog". But, I could use a place to vent, and talk with people who understand me. I am in a desperate situation! So, here goes 
Today I feel completely alone and misunderstood. My youngest sd ran away to her moms and my dh and I are at odds.
My dh's philosophy is... Love her, call her, jump to respond to her requests for stuff, and love her some more! Not, call the biomom, or call the police, or call the school, or call an attorney!?
My philosophy is...call the police (she is a runaway), call an attorney (her biomom has no legal rights - they were taken after she got wasted and tried to kill herself) BUT... I was willing to compromise and do the following... Call the biomom(is she really there/ask if mom is willing to care for her), and withdraw her from school (to get her off the road for TWO hours everyday)
It happened one week ago and dh has done NOTHING. We are not speaking. Our kids are confused about where their sister is and why mommy and daddy are so mad. I feel like a complete failure! My own mother came over this morning to tell me how terrible I was; and to let me know that if my dh had a heart attack from the stress it would be my fault.:O:-O:shocked:
How could things change so quickly? For the past 12 years everyone told me how great I was and what a terrific full-time stepmom I was!? Now that this has happened all I hear is.."your poor dh, how is he doing?". I am so sick of hearing this! I want to say, well, while he was at work, and his ex was off doing her own thing, I was raising their children!!!
In the good times they were referred to as "our daughters"; now he refers to them as "my daughters". Am I crazy??? Have I lost my mind????
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Comments
He seems to be blaming you
and YOU are NOT at fault. Maybe he is blaming you becuz he doesn't want to blame himself or SD. How old is SD? Teenagers run away for stupid stuff like, I don't want to do chores.
I went through
much of the same thing. I raised my SD's while BM was God knows where and DH was at work. I was the great SM too until they turned out to have mental illnesses and can't function properly, so it must be my fault.
I wouldn't normally say this, but I think you should likely disengage. If DH doesn't care, then you have to allow him to not care. Make sense? Then, you have to find a way to at least "act" like you don't care. The more you show you care, the more you will likely be hurt.
Why did she run away? How old is she? Sometimes, as I have learned, we just have to let go.
sounds awful
I am curious what the reason for your SD running away. Usually something like this follows some type of blowout. I sympathize but honestly it seems with BM's around a step mom is just a third wheel. Even if you don't disengage entirely you probably need to at least a little. Also you should talk to your other kids but try to keep things simple. They don't need to know all the details just enough to satisfy curiosity of whatever age they are.
Hello and welcome..
I am so sorry you are going thru this. I can not imagine.
I would love to respond intelligently but I feel like the amount of knowledge I have for your situation is limited???
I'm not sure as to your SD's reasons for running away. But regardless of her reasons and whether she ran away to her mom's,
she is still your DH's responsibility legally. If it was a boyfriend, would your DH be so non-involved?
I agree with previous posters as far as "disengaging" but in a more logical sense. Take your emotions out of it a little bit and look at the reality of the situation. (Again I don't know the specifics so I'm only assuming that BM is a capable adult here)Is it TERRIBLE that she ran away to her mother's house? Or is it typical teenage behavior of divorced parents to "pick" the parent they actually want to live with. It's not out of the ordinary for a 16 year old to revolt and invoke a rebellion simply because they think the other parent will be easier to live with. She needs to understand that it's not the way it works and all adults involved need to help her make that decision in a responsible way.
I agree with you...SOMETHING needs to be done though.
Is DH blaming you for SDs sudden departure? Otherwise I'm not sure as to why he would be uncooperative in locating SD and figuring out her near future????
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
Focus on your other kids
Pour into mothering them, but don't forget to take some time to take care of yourself, since no one else seems able.
I say that because I'm only now myself starting to grasp how we can only control how we respond to those who hurt us, not that they hurt us in the first place.
So dig deep into what will give you solace, peace, love, warmth. Join a yoga/dance/cooking class, or a knitting/ book/ neighborhood club. I like to think of this as checking in to yourself rather than checking out of the SD/DH drama. But be forewarned if they're used to guilting you, they won't like it when you become unavailable to serve that need for them.
It doesn't sound like your mom's worth talking to right now either. Do you have a sister? A best friend? Someone who knows you better than DH and your mom- someone who will rally around you and lift you up?
Call THAT person. NOW.
If you don't have one yet please know...she's likely right here on this site and about to walk into your life. We have all become a profound source of support, strength and friendship here. You have come to the right place.
Welcome... and breathe in and out....
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
More Information
Thanks for the comments. To answer your questions... She is 16yrs. old - the same age her sister was when she ran away. She told us that she was going to run the night before she did it. She said, "I'm not mad at you, I just want to live with my mom.
At this point I don't want her to come back... after having a taste of "freedom" -she would never come back willingly. However, if she "wants to be with her mom", then she needs to do it.
For the past week she has here been in town everyday - one hour away from mom??? I just want dh to withdraw her from school!!! Then she can really "be with" her mom, which is what she said that she wanted. But he is afraid that if he takes her out of her high school she will hate him. To me, it's not a heart issue - it's about being a parent!!!
I think you're right...
She should reap the benefits of "moving away" without consulting ALL parties involved. (Which includes DH) She needs to got to the school where BM lives or they need to obtain the waivers that allow her to go to that school. It should all be done correctly and responsibly.
Is she driving a car purchased by you? Driving under your insurance? She can't have it both ways...
Maybe she should attempt emancipation since she feels she is capable of making these types of decisions.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
More Information 2
Her mom bought the car - it was part of the bait she laid out for her! The bm doesn't really care about my sd, she just wants to win. So, when she "gets" the girls it is not so she can "mother" them!! Birthmom is a (recovering)drug addict, has bi-polar, and would do anything to hurt my dh and myself. Unfortunatley it's the girls who suffer the most!
All the more reason why we have to continue to think like parents... we're the only ones she's got.
Regarding "disengaging" - I know I should, but it is soooo hard! I have been her "mother" for 12 years. It would be easier if dh and I were on the same page.
(((HUGS)))
I am, right now, sending a million hugs your way.
If your DH has custody, he is still legally responsible for SD. He needs to be reminded of this.
I would say to talk to your attorney about what your DH can do to have her emancipated, but it doesn't sound like she knows how to stand on her own two feet and teenagers often do dumb things. He should call the BM up, just to see if she knows how SD is doing and if she's ready to take SD on for the next two years.
I think that this is a very complicated situation, to say the least, and there is no one right answer. As a minor who is not emancipated, though, I don't think she has much of a say in what happens. By law, she might have to be returned to your house. If she resists, she might have to ride in the back of a cop cruiser. That might teach her that she does not call the shots, and that the parents run the show. My question is, why is your DH so disengaged? He may think he's thinking like a parent, but he is not. I have read hundreds of stories online and seen tons of news clips about teens who run away- and what happens to them as a result is scary.
I hope and pray that your DH will wake up and start calling his attorney and the police to see what he can do about this situation and that SD will be OK. I can't even imagine how hard it is for you to disengage from this situation- you raised your SDs! I take my hat off to you. I think you have every right to be concerned and your DH should be THANKING you and kissing the ground you walk on for all you have done for the 3 of them (DH and SDs) and taking your advice.
Thank-You!
To all who have responded... thank-you soo much for your support, encouragement, and wisdom!:) I feel so much better just knowing that someone understands me!!!
It is still pretty rare to be a full-time stepmom! I don't know anyone in my small town who has already "been there, done that". It helps to know that I am not alone.
As of today dh and I are silent. We have not talked at all in two days... it is driving me crazy! Just when we need each other the most - we seem like enemies.:(