"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

H makes HIS plans-whether it be his little card games, or something with SD17--a lets me know about them IF HE wants to.

Good example-two weeks ago, he got home on Thursday nite. Ate supper, watched a little TV, off to bed. He's soooo tired (and I believe he is-he'd put in a lot of hours and hadn't been home since he had 20 hours off on Christmas). Friday morning, gets up, watches more TV. Then come along about 11:00 am, he says he's going to play cards. First I'd heard of it. And he leaves. Hadn't been home in forever, and first day he's here, he leaves to play cards (obviously planned well in advance, BTW.)

Oh, and when SD's are on their way here is when he INFORMS me that they care coming. Again, obviously well planned between H & SD17. I'm just nothing.

So don't feel alone. I've been married before-and before the "cheating years" as I call them, my then H would never have treated me like this.

I, to, am just sick of it.

Time to turn the tables, Georgie. Next time he expects you to be home, just don't be there. We need to start dishing out what we've been force fed.

Make plans for yourself and give him a taste of his own medicine.If he wants to not include you live your life go out have fun and see what happens in a few weeks when you arent there to cook clean whats good for the goose is good for the gander.

I've left fh again and again but keep coming back. I get just completely drained by his crap like what you wrote. When I express my feelings, I get back a rebuttal...not active listening, but a rebuttal about how I am wrong because whatever. I also can relate to the feeling that the skids can do no wrong. Fh carts them all around gods creation for their hockey crap and bitches the whole time, makes me feel like garbage, but when he gets out in public at the events he's all super-dad. I have also heard that bs about having had such a great weekend that he doesn't want to screw it up by doing something crazy like 'communicating.' What really irritates me is how these guys expect us, whatever we are--wives, gf, etc--to dote on their spoiled brats w/o complaining or trying to improve the parenting process in our homes...and yet, we are always always wrong. If we get involved we're wrong...if we don't get involved (i.e. detach) we're wrong. There is absolutely no right way to behave to make these men not irritate us.
I personally am in the middle of a nervous breakdown...I'm trying to get help for it. Besides the recent deaths/illnesses in my immediate family, I am just exhausted from all the crap I get from the men at work and my fh...absolutely nothing I do is right, and they always manage to pick me apart and fault-find. I am absolutely emotionally bankrupt and have nothing left inside to cope with anymore. And that all stems from the fact that every person whom I'm expected to 'please' in some way (boss, fh, etc) just simply can not be pleased...believe me I've tried. I've bent over backwards and given myself an ulcer and an eating disorder over trying to please them but nothing works. So now that I'm ready for a breakdown I'm saying no more! I am not going to try to please anyone but myself because you can't make other people happy or treat you right. You need to be happy with yourself and be strong with yourself so you don't feel the need to take all this crap from guys....this is what I'm learning in therapy. I'm not sure if I'll be with fh in the future, but I do know that I am learning to be stong so I dont have to put up with his nonsense.
I hope maybe what I've been going through could be useful to your situation G.G....don't let him or anyone make you feel less-than. You're too good a person to doubt yourself.
Take care and hugs
LT

I'm so sorry to hear so many of you ladies are facing this challenge. I think the idea of "taste of your own medicine" is good one. In a relationship you should be able to trust and count on the other person. There should be some common understanding of normalcy in the relationship, and a level of trust in in each other. I don't see keeping you ladies in the dark regarding plans and expectations of 'me' time as respectful at all, but the only way that can be driven home is by illustrating. Perhaps the expectations on your man while at home are minimal? Like his time is HIS time, whether he chooses to spend it at home, or out golfing or running to the store (nevermind whether YOU might have wanted something!) and he's a grown man and he doesn't have to justify his activities to anyone? I certainly have heard this before, but for me, that's a crock.

I know where FH is every moment of every day. If he is going to be 10 minutes late, he texts me. If I am going to the store, I text him to see if he wants anything. If I am going out with friends while he's working, I text and let him know. If I arrive home earlier than planned, I let him know. Why? Because god forbid something happen to either one of us. What would happen if he just didn't come home? How would I know when to worry, or when to start looking for him dead in a ditch!? Or vice versa. And sure, it's unlikely, but you know what? A brief bit of communications gives us both the security of not worrying about each other, and that is worth it. Plus I respect him enough to allow him the opportunity to make other plans if I'm not around, and vice versa. We prefer to spend time together, but on the rare occasions when we make plans without each other, the other person should not be stuck home waiting for no reason just because one did not bother to communicate with the other.

Some people are probably more laid back about these things than I am, and that's fine, what ever works for you. But if this lack of communication is bothering you, there's a reason and it needs to be talked about. Hopefully your men can come around and show some respect for you and your feelings and needs!!

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein

I'm so sorry to hear this, Georgie...

I would go clubbing if I were you. Go crazy! Exclude him like excludes you.

Maybe then he'll see what kind of hurt his actions cause.

I'm not sure why men go places without saying anything, though. I wish we could understand them! For me, though, my DH knows that I am a worry wart. If I don't know where he is, I will get very anxious. Like, one time DH went out to have fun with his friends. Okay. Have fun, babe. Next thing, I wake up in bed alone at 6 in the morning. What the eff!?!?! DH didn't call me. DH didn't text me. I don't know if he's still at his friends or if he's in the hospital or if he's jail! When I call him, he doesn't answer. I was so nervous and scared and anxious that I couldn't go back to sleep. An hour later he comes home and I freak out on him. I guess he got so drunk... and he didn't want to come home drunk so he stayed at his buddy's. That's fine. All I wanted to know was that he was okay. Let's just say that was the last time he did anything like that.

I swear. These men have no consideration for how we feel.

Just me - and this is just my opinion but I wouldn't go out and not come home and not tell him where you are it if you have already been doing so. But that is just me - sometimes I think that just adds more fuel to the fire. Now that being said when I first started dating my FH and he was terrible, showing up 2 hrs late, etc., me thinking we have plans and I would call him and he would be out on the golf course with a oh i just assumed we would get together later. I would freak out and yell my head off. He was completely duh what did I do now. Now 3 years later, engaged, and living together, it took some effort on my part to explain to him like he was a 5 year old, and everytime he would mess up explain to him like a 5 year old again why we need to let each other know what is going on. Now I don't know about your husband but with my FH the thing that came out in one of our yelling fests was that he felt that he didn't have to tell me where he was ever second of the day because he was used to be alone and now he felt like he had to report to me and that pissed him off. So it took a while through that one - I'm talking a little over a year but it took a lot of work on my part to reinforce that every time something would happen and he got it. I know you guys have other issues going on that are stepkid related that is lying underneath all this right now to SO is this something that perhaps he just started because he is pissy? Have you guys been to counseling? Let us know what is going on GG and let us know if you have talked to him about the way he is acting. I would tell him as your wife the way you are treating me is a slap in the face and discresptful.

This is hard one. One of my dearest friends (a lot older and more experienced at relationships) told me that Men need to feel independent. The more they feel like they have to "check in" with us the more they will do the opposite. I don't really understand it but it is what it is.

The question is how much do we put up with. I think eventually if couples don't talk about what they do and once in a while involve them in their hobbies or things they enjoy the intimacy goes away. I am with second wife 19, start doing some things without your DH knowledge and see how he reacts. You aren't doing this to hurt him but rather to understand his reaction and where his head is at.

Ii don't get it either, Georgie. I work all day, teach college at night...basically, everything I do is for "us", not in a codependent way, but that's the way it's supposed to be,
you take care of your OWN career, your OWN home, your OWN bills, etc...

However, H has his butt so far up his mommy's ass now; his two 50 something brothers who live with mommy are useless, so now he's doing favors for THEM (car repairs, etc.), and he won't tell me because he KNOWS it's wrong and he knows I'll be pissed.

The kicker is, he asks me just about every week "So what's your schedule this week?...C'mon, he can remember what him his mommy needs to take a PISS, what time every frigging NCAA basketball game is on, but he can't remember that I teach Tuesday and Wednesday nights, I'm working on a thesis, so I have a mini class for that Wednesday, it never changes. But he can't remember...I swear I think sometimes he's just "checking" (but I don't think they're that SMART) to make sure I don't come home early or unscheduled and "catch him" doing things for his mommy or brothers

Hey, here's a twist...last night I ran into an "old friend" who's now teaching college the same night I am. He suggested us going for a drink some night after we're done teaching....hmmmm...someone who actually REMEMBERS that I teach Tuesday nights....wouldn't that be a kick in the butt if I start coming home rather LATE Tuesday nights. Bet that would make DH stand up and take notice....

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt