struggling with sd
How do I live 50% of my life with a sd11 who has verbalized how much she hates me and wishes I wasn't in her life? How do I continue to have compassion for a child who is mean to everyone and everything at a moment's notice? My reaction is to want to shut down and completely withdraw from her. I speak when she initiates, I make very little eye contact, and I avoid her like the plague for fear of taking on her wrath. She is an angry angry mean and selfish child who has a severely screwed up mother (borderline personlity disorder, which= highly volatile and irrational). The majority of her childhood (the first 7 years) was very disfunctional, and now 50% of her life still is when she is at bm's house. Her mother needs her to need her, so over the course of her life bm has systematically trained her to have an anxious/insecure attachment to her. Leaving this child filled with insecurities and a whole lot of anger. BM also makes an incredible effort to brainwash both skids against me, and the sad thing is it is working. I was told by sd11 that I need to stop thinking I am living a "fairytale". gee, who do you think gave her those words? I want to have sympathy and compassion, but I have been diligently working with this girl for over two years now and it does not seem to be helping her evolve at all. I am so hurt by her actions, and the thing is she is a smart kid. I don't buy the excuse that "she is just a child", my response to that is that she is not 5 years old, and she knows EXACTLY what she is doing. and then there's my husband who feels terribly torn.
I don't know what to do or how to be around her without feeling like a doormat.
- tryingtofindpeace's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Welcome to my world....I am
Welcome to my world....I am going through the same thing....
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
"Children should be seen and not heard!!"
Amen to that one, Crayon. If I EVER reacted to MY PARENTS (dad especially) the way some of these "kids" do, I'd STILL be extracting the size 12 shoe from my behind!!
As I've mentioned on many posts, I've been teaching high school for two+ decades, and some of these kids scare me. They have NO BOUNDARIES, NO SELF-CONTROL,
just "me me me". It's like we can PREDICT who will be in JAIL in the next 3-7 years because they think they RULE THE UNIVERSE. Some day when a BOSS or an OFFICER OF THE LAW says "no" to their darling little butts, they'll go ballistic!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
Amen!
I agree completely. No matter what, you need to declare and keep the upper hand in all interactions with your SD. She wants and needs leadership from some adult, to actually build some security for her, and if her parents cop out of it, you are the only one left.
I think a good sentence to repeat like a broken record is, 'I am the ADULT, you are the CHILD. How you feel about me does not matter or affect me in the least, if you are smart at all, you will treat me with complete respect at all times - including and especially your attitude toward me - muttering, talking back, eye rolling, etc. will not be tolerated.'
She may think you cannot do anything to her - but what you can do is refuse to help her with ANYTHING if she disrespects you.
If you are still new to being a step, this may sound harsh - but if you don't do this, look out ahead!!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
It only gets worse
I have disengaged from SD 13 - it that is the only way I can live in the same house with this hateful, horrible child. Last night I discovered she took some of my tampoons - I addressed this due to it being a health risk for a 13 yr old to try and use tampoons - just another thing she has stolen from me. Don't you know H is pissed off at me - what - it is a health risk, but he get's mad at me! Everytime she steals or does something bad - he gets mad at me. I really don't think I can live like this much longer. H has every other week custody - w/o SD he is a loving, sweet man - when she is here he is hateful and mean. - Your SD is young - just wait, it gets worse
It gets easier to disengage after a while of doing it
I've been doing it with SD16 for some time now. In the beginning, it was VERY difficult for both me, and my DH to watch me do it. But now, after 6 months of going through it, it's much easier. She can literally be in the room with the other four kids and I can completely act like she's not even there.
Is it terribly sad that is has come to this? Absolutely. But is it also absolutely necessary in order to save my sanity. Yes, it is!
The big test will be next week...all seven of us are going on a family trip to WDW for 5 days. But I think that I'll even be successful at totally disengaging from her even in this context as well. How? I concentrate my energies solely on the people who WANT to be a part of our family- my DH, my boys, and the other two SDs.
Quite honestly, I don't even know why she's going- all she does is fight constantly with her sisters and cause stress for everyone in the family. Even SD13 asked if there was a way we could keep her from going- yes, she's THAT BAD! But unfortunately, the kids don't have the skills or maturity level to be able to disengage from her as I have.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis