You are here

everything is falling apart

wounded mother's picture

Submitted by wounded mother on Tue, 11/04/2008 - 11:16am

ok here goes ive never done this before but i need help my husband of 3 years (dated for 5) have 5 children between us i have 3 he has 2 girls the problem started almost immediately wen i met his then 10 year old daugter she was rude and ignored me as the years went by she became mean to me and my daughter the same age as her but not the boys obviously we were the threat my husband never discilplined her only said yeah shes a bitch but what do u want me to do? i treated her like gold i took time to take her out and talk ect... the meaness to my daughter kept up to the point where my child was diagnosed whith cancer and she lauged at her and ignored her my child began to have nightmares and was finally fed up so i told my husband i can have a bad kid in this house but not one that is allowed to behve badly and hurt other people (he often apologized to my child and said i dont agree with what mb is doing to you and im sorry but dont think its right)so i got tired of my kids saying why can she do/say act that way and we cant so i told mb she was not welcom in my home until she could treat everyone with respect.His parents got involved and stopped speaking to me and now have a relationship with my husbands exwife if we go the the younger daughters events they sit with her! Well its been 2 years and mb was happy because she saw her father on her own and didnt have to accept me she will tell everyone that i am a nice person and have never done anything bad or mistreated her. her father has started lying to me (he gives her money and says dont tell sm ect..)I have lost all respect and trust for my husbnd and find that ths is a great strain on everyone in my home. Hes afraid of her! She has some hold on him I know he feels guilty but come on! i dont know what to do help!!! he would rather keep the situation as is rather than deal with her .Help!

Comments

Sia's picture

Submitted by Sia on Tue, 11/04/2008 - 11:31am

First, welcome..... Second, I hope your child with cancer is OK?
What a bunch of poo you have had to put up with. I totally know how you feel with the inlaws thing, mine don't speak to me either.
My SD16 was always mean to my boys as well as to her sister SD19. It started when she was about 9. Things just started to "happen" to my boys. They would "fall" and she would say they tripped, things like that. Finally, I just laid it out to DH.....she needed help! He relunctantly agreed and took her to a psychiatrist. She was diagnosed bipolar and borderline personality disorder. Sounds like your DH will NOT take her to a shrink, so what are you left to do? Wow, tough one. nI would say to 1st protect the other children in the house. I would then have a "talk" with DH and tell him that you need to be able to trust both of them and if that cant happen, then you will have to leave to protect your other children! I am not sure what else I can offer. Good luck to you and ou are welcome to PM me if you need to talk! HUGS!

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 11/04/2008 - 12:24pm

I have no use for toxic people. Get her out of your home and let her and DH know that she will not be welcome back until she can treat all with mutual respect and understanding.

DH needs clarity on the fact that his marriage may not survive his daughter.

I understand you want to help him, but he needs to understand that by not holding his daughter accountable for her actions and behavior he is doing her a disservice.

When I say out, I mean out. No access to family resources until she has an epiphany and begins to treat everyone appropriately.

Direct solution to a painful problem.

Good luck and best regards,

Sita Tara's picture

Submitted by Sita Tara on Tue, 11/04/2008 - 1:51pm

At least.

I'm hopeful DH won't tolerate any more than that, but after joining a "parents of borderlines" site I have found that issues last well into adulthood.

I don't know how I'll make it without telling DH at some point he will have to choose. Luckily we talk it all out and he is just as frustrated with SD as I am. I feel bad for him, because though my sons have their own kids issues, they have enough clear/maturing moments to balance it and SD does not.

I also feel bad for my kids having to deal with SD. My BS 11 has confided he's afraid of her (SD joking chased him with a knife around the time I started posting here.) and BS 14 is just disgusted to the point he no longer has any qualms telling on her (he used to) but is now nit picking on what he tells on (like I am about what irritates me with her as well.)

Our whole family life revolves around the mood and behavior of one member of the family.

I so understand your pain.

I don't know what to tell you advice wise as I am in the same situation, and short of one day packing up when enough is enough I don't seem to have an answer. DH and I had a long talk the other night about it. The good thing is we do that often, and he listens rather than just feels I'm picking on her.

So welcome here.

You'll find many of us are in the same boat. And I'm hanging right in there with you.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

stepmomineg's picture

Submitted by stepmomineg on Tue, 11/04/2008 - 2:31pm

We have the same issue in our household and I honestly think that my SD (10) is following in her mother's footsteps and is starting to develop a mental disorder. She is mean and rude to me and my BD. Can my SD develop bipolar disorder if her mom has it?

Sita Tara, what is the "parents of borderlines" website that you found? I'd like to take a look at it.

Thanks!

Sita Tara's picture

Submitted by Sita Tara on Tue, 11/04/2008 - 5:40pm

If you do a search on that, and online support it should come up. I haven't been on it much as it is a yahoo group and therefore pales in comparison to how this one is set up.

Hey Admin! There's another support group you need to start!!!!

Family/caregivers of people with Borderline PD or Bipolar disorder.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

HawaiianSK's picture

Submitted by HawaiianSK on Wed, 11/05/2008 - 10:00pm

I am sorry to hear your story. I don't have advice, but I can tell you what I had to do when my wife was parenting with guilt and letting my SS 14, be disrespectful, break things, lie, fail in school, etc.

After 6 years I had to say, let him live with his father, which he wanted, or I will leave.

She could not give up her son and now we split and going through divorce.

I am sad for all 3 of us, but I know its best because this would have gone on until his adult life and I would be miserable.

I don't recommend anything, but when people tell you to say to ask him to choose, you are right, they usually say, my child comes first.

I am better off in my case and she will have to deal with a coddled son.