That info is in my bio, but I'll repeat it here, I've been with my husband for 15 years. We met in 1994, began living together a couple years after that, then finally married in 2005. When I met my husband in 1994 he had been divorced since 1990--the same year as my divorce. The ex married in the late 1990s--can't remember the exact year--but she has been married to her second husband for a long time, and I guess thats another thing that is so puzzling to me; how she seems to want to have things both ways.

The ex does not intervene that much in our lives, but it's more that my sister-in-law invites her to everything and gossips with her about me and my husband. Then, when the ex has the opportunity, she inserts the knife--she is very very good at that, and does it in a way that other people may not notice unless hthey are highly perceptive and/or paying atention. The ex also gets part of my husband's retirement and she has a hard time covering up her delight in that. In addition, she actually thought she would be the beneficiary in the event of my husband's death. My husband is 18 years older than me. We have a good relationship, and I feel we are soulmates (I'm a bit of an old soul and have always liked older men for their many good qualities, primary of which is that they have lived long enough to not sweat the small stuff. (I wish I could be more that way!) He even said that the ex's speech at the funeral said more about her than anyone else, and really, that's probably true.

When the sister and the ex do these things, my husband doesn't seem to get how hurtful it is to me, but when I explain it he does begin to see. Deaths and funerals are hard though, because if you talk about your own feelings it can come of as self-absorbed and callous and uncaring for his grief an loss.

Believe it or not, another family member died last week, and this time he told the sister flat out to leave his ex out of the service. He further stated to the sister that he did not like what happened at the mothers funeral, and it was uncomfortable for me. It so made my day when he did that. So yeah, my husband sees it, but he's a bit obtuse in matters of the heart. I just have to be patient to point things out and it matters a great deal HOW I explain myself. Like just about everyone, he responds better to measured, logical argument than emotional or teary-eyed complaints, but when your emotions are high, that can be a challenge!

As for the kids, their behavior is not open hostility. They can be nice to me sometimes, and other times they can be quite rude. Sometimes I think they just don't have good social graces, or, dare I say, much class. My one son (age 24--I'm 44) finds them to be loud and rather obnoxious, and the 2 daughters drink a lot and do drugs---so that kind of lifestyle brings out mood swings. The biggest trouble with the stepkids is that I never know what I'm gonna get: rude or nice. It's a total crapshoot everyime I see them, so I walk on eggshells a lot hoping things go well. The biggest stepkid problem by far is the oldest daughter who is very needy, borrows money all the time and, as I say, litterally hangs on her father. My husband caves into her and has a real blind spot for her, I think because he feels guilty for the divorce, and the stepdaughter really knows ho to work that guilt. It seems not to occer to my husband that the money he gives her may be going to the purchase of drugs.

Since my husband talked to the sister about how he didn't like the funeral and what happened, the sister has chosen to take it out on me in passive-aggressive ways. She simply will not speak to me at all, and anytime there is a gathering, when she sees the ex, she gives her a big hug and acts like they have been friends for life (which they haven't. This "friendship" mysteriously started when we got married in 2005.) The sister will not even acknowledge my presence in the room, and they ex just loves that.

Thanks so much for your responses. It really means a lot to me!

I wish those of you still dealing with this greater capacity to handles things than I did. When I married my husband, he had two step daughters from his first marriage. I had three minor children from my first marriage. My husband was not close to his step daughters, and said that they were going to recede into his past. They would not speak to me and, he said he saw this and would address it, but later said this wasn't the case. I was told we were not creating a blended family anyway and so I had hoped these things wouldn't matter. One daughter made a point of calling our house and putting me down to him. He often compared me unfavorably to the other, whom he seemed to feel was perfect. When my own daughter had such issues and struggles, it was difficult for me to live with a man who supposedly saw himself as father to her, looking at her in a negative light to his daughter who could do no wrong. I hated that I came to resent his step daughters so much. Despite several years together, I felt and was in fact told by my husband that his former family mattered more to him that I did. I regarded him as the most important person in my life, and I wanted to put the marriage first, but I was hurt always being reminded that others were more valued. I'm sure I didn't handle all of this in the healthiest ways, and I did seek counseling and was even on medication for my nerves and depression. I wanted to matter to my husband more than anyone else did. Having come from a history of abandonment by my father, this was really more than I could take. I divorced him several months ago, but I suppose I will always love him. If I thought there was a way for us to successfully deal with these conflicts, I would try to reconcile. I would be very reluctant to enter a step situation with daughters again, since I found this situation so threatening. To those of you still in the midst of it, be very careful of lines drawn in the sand. I am writing this in part to help heal the sorrow in my heart for the loss of a husband I loved, but also in hopes that anyone who reads it will somehow benefit. This was certainly not the only problem in our marriage. I felt I could have dealt with anything so long as I was first in his heart. Divorcing him to make the pain stop has not stopped the pain.