I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
oh will it ever get better? sometimes everything is great and other times i feel so hopeless!! it sucks...i have to follow number 2 of anne's step parenting guide (it's not your crazy ex and not your kids..so stay out of it)...but it's so HARD! oh so hard...dayum, dayum, dayuuuuuum!!
ahhh i need fresh air...lets see...how many of you would say you have a close to perfect relationship EXCEPT for putting up with the psyco ex's and all of the unreasonable drama she causes in your home. at this point fsd is not an issue AT ALL...but lord this woman is about to make me loose my mind!! the little of it i have left!!
A bear walks into a bar and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says "we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him "WE don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings". The bear, very angry now, says "if you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender, once again says " sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana that are on drugs." The bear says I'm not on drugs. The bar tender says yes you are, that was a barbitchyouate.
A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without
> laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
>
> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up amajor portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
> city park.
>
> The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could
> have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
>
> Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
>
> Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Monster Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
>
> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh$$, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
>
> Judge # 3 --! Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
>
> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>
> Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh$$-faced from all of the beer.
>
>
> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> Judge ! # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
>
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb
>woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
>her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
>asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
> Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.Good balance of spices and peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulphuric flames. I sh$$ myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.
>
>
> Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> Chili # 8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
>
>
> Contest Over
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced". "That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see..........where did I put the useless boob?" Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?
One day there was this farmer. He had 3 daughters and they each had a date on Saturday night.
The first date comes to the door. the farmer answers the door. The first date says, "Hi my name is Joe, I'm here to take your daughter Flow to eat some dough."
The farmer says sure. Soon the second date comes to the door, "the date says hi, I'm Freddy, I'm here to take your daughter Betty to eat some spaghetti." The farmer goes sure.
Then the last date comes to the door. "he say hi, my name is Chuc-k..."The farmer goes "Get the hell out of my house!!!
I was damn near howling by the time I finished reading this. I've always wanted to know if those OTC kits work as well as the spa. I shall wonder no more. As much as I loved reading all of the jokes, that one is better than all the jokes. I give it two thumbs up. ROFLMAO.
My new StepMother's Motto:
When life gives you lemons... Make a damn good Margarita.
I'm in tears. Sorry you had to go through sooooo much pain to make me laugh. But, I've done that and it's pretty much just as you have explained. You are funny, funny, funny!
"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it." Dorothy Parker US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)
Comments
I post one I previously posted - my fav!
Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
That was great!
Thanks
i am having a REALLY crappy day
myself, so my friend sent me this thought for the day that made cry so hard I think I wet myself....
"If a person with multiple personality disorder threatens to kill himself, is it a hostage situation?"
Hope your day gets better, I feel your pain!
I like that one too...
oh will it ever get better? sometimes everything is great and other times i feel so hopeless!! it sucks...i have to follow number 2 of anne's step parenting guide (it's not your crazy ex and not your kids..so stay out of it)...but it's so HARD! oh so hard...dayum, dayum, dayuuuuuum!!
ahhh i need fresh air...lets see...how many of you would say you have a close to perfect relationship EXCEPT for putting up with the psyco ex's and all of the unreasonable drama she causes in your home. at this point fsd is not an issue AT ALL...but lord this woman is about to make me loose my mind!! the little of it i have left!!
Are you a blonde or a brunette?
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
A bear walks into a bar and
A bear walks into a bar and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says "we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him "WE don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings". The bear, very angry now, says "if you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender, once again says " sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender says "sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana that are on drugs." The bear says I'm not on drugs. The bar tender says yes you are, that was a barbitchyouate.
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
Here's another one. Sorry it's long.
A Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without
> laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
>
> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up amajor portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio
> city park.
>
> The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could
> have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
>
> Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
>
> Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Monster Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
>
> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh$$, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
>
> Judge # 3 --! Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
>
> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>
> Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh$$-faced from all of the beer.
>
>
> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> Judge ! # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
>
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb
>woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
> Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
>her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
>asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
> Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.Good balance of spices and peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulphuric flames. I sh$$ myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.
>
>
> Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> Chili # 8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
> bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
>
>
> Contest Over
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac
That is one of my all time favorites!
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
Eve's Side of the Story
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve. And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced". "That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see..........where did I put the useless boob?" Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?
Farmers Daughters
One day there was this farmer. He had 3 daughters and they each had a date on Saturday night.
The first date comes to the door. the farmer answers the door. The first date says, "Hi my name is Joe, I'm here to take your daughter Flow to eat some dough."
The farmer says sure. Soon the second date comes to the door, "the date says hi, I'm Freddy, I'm here to take your daughter Betty to eat some spaghetti." The farmer goes sure.
Then the last date comes to the door. "he say hi, my name is Chuc-k..."The farmer goes "Get the hell out of my house!!!
you guys
are awesome!! talk about coming strong with the jokes!!
many many many THANK YOU'S!!!
LOL!!!
that was good cru! and so true! hey that rhymed...
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Too funny!
Ask my DH how that same product felt on his unibrow. Hurt like hell, but laughing at him brought me out of my funk after the first miscarriage!
♥ ANNE 8102 ♥
OMG - Hilarious
I was damn near howling by the time I finished reading this. I've always wanted to know if those OTC kits work as well as the spa. I shall wonder no more. As much as I loved reading all of the jokes, that one is better than all the jokes. I give it two thumbs up. ROFLMAO.
My new StepMother's Motto:
When life gives you lemons... Make a damn good Margarita.
LOL
That's too funny! I'm scared of waxing now!!
You had me rolling on the floor!!!!
I'm in tears. Sorry you had to go through sooooo much pain to make me laugh. But, I've done that and it's pretty much just as you have explained. You are funny, funny, funny!
"I've never been a millionaire but I just know I'd be darling at it." Dorothy Parker US author, humorist, poet, & wit (1893 - 1967)